Sunkissedpatio Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 I am the one who said if she pays a trip to Europe to spend a couple of days with him she will look desperate. It's not about who pays the trip, it's about common sense. She is in NY and he'll be in Europe. We are talking what? $3,000 trip for 2-3 days. It's ridiculous. If we had a woman on here asking how much she should spend on her boyfriend of 6 months for a gift how much do you think we would suggest? $100 ? $200? No more. Again, it's ridiculous to spend thousands of money to see a guy a couple of days when you've ONLY been dating 6 months and god knows if they'll still be dating in 2 weeks. If they had been dating a couple of years, sure! But not 6 months. First of all he's not just a guy he is her boyfriend, the man whom she just spent Thanksgiving with and met all his family and her family met his as well. Second of all, the idea that a woman looks desperate because she pays her own way is so antiquated and so incredibly irrelevant in this day in age where couples decide amongst themselves how they handle finances and spending together that it is really not our place to decide that. For all we know they could be a "going dutch" couple. Just so happens I have always had men pay for me right from the get-go but I would never not do something because I have to pay for it if it meant being with the man I love. Nor would I attach "desperation" to paying for my own trip. But that's just me.
Author astarrynight2016 Posted November 29, 2016 Author Posted November 29, 2016 I said it once, and I'm gonna say it again "he already spends 4 days out of 5 with you, so what if he drops you on the 5th day to be with his family?! " He doesn't do that. When his family is in town, he spends 10/10 days with them. 0 with me. I've never complained. When they are not in town, he spends 4 out of 5 with me. If I am a significant part of his life when his family isn't here, it would be nice to not be treated like a rag doll when they are here. 1
elaine567 Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 Why don't OP appreciate that he is a nice family oriented man, at least it means lesser chance he will cheat and throw your family away in the future if you do become a family! It doesn't tend to work like that though does it? Plenty lovely apparently family orientated men cheat on their wives and families... 1
frus69 Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 I already spent time with his entire family during thanksgiving and many times before, I would be comfortable hanging with his family. I would not take him away. All I was asking, was if he knew I was alone for the holidays, why not invite me even if it's just one or two days. I am NOT asking him to many any changes to his plan or time with his family. I don't understand why you keep saying they are "taking him away from you",as if a third girl was taking your BF away from you. Is he your possession? Isn't it his FAMILY? I don't understand this mentality,at all. I think it's reasonable, to wait till you two are more established, to worry about those things. That means, wait till next year and see if he includes you in the family trip. Right now, as a 6 month old GF, I really don't think you are any reasonable to throw a fit at this. After a year if he still doesn't include you, then you can have a talk with him! 1
Gaeta Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 First of all he's not just a guy he is her boyfriend, the man whom she just spent Thanksgiving with and met all his family and her family met his as well. Second of all, the idea that a woman looks desperate because she pays her own way is so antiquated and so incredibly irrelevant in this day in age where couples decide amongst themselves how they handle finances and spending together that it is really not our place to decide that. For all we know they could be a "going dutch" couple. Just so happens I have always had men pay for me right from the get-go but I would never not do something because I have to pay for it if it meant being with the man I love. Nor would I attach "desperation" to paying for my own trip. But that's just me. Please read my post #65. I address all of these there. 1
Sunkissedpatio Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 You cannot compare an organized trip of 3 weeks to Europe to a dinner at Thanks Giving. Who's comparing? I'm not sure what your point is. But my point is they seem to be going the serious route, he shouldn't have taken the attitude of "you are not invited, deal with it" This is one of those things that would be a bit of eye opener for me.
Author astarrynight2016 Posted November 29, 2016 Author Posted November 29, 2016 Why are you alone for the Holidays? You cannot ask him to fill in the void for your lack of family relationship and closeness. Not at 6 months dating. I am quite happy with my family relationships - I don't have a void or anything like that. I just think it's odd he doesn't WANT to spend NYE or any part of his holiday with me. I think most girls would feel equally disappointed if their BF was away for the holidays and made plans without taking into account their considerations.
Author astarrynight2016 Posted November 29, 2016 Author Posted November 29, 2016 It doesn't tend to work like that though does it? Plenty lovely apparently family orientated men cheat on their wives and families... Boy let's not even go there.. my bf HAS cheated on one of his exes (he admitted this to me, she happens to be a friend of a friend and hates his guts to this day) and his father cheated on his mother. This is another can of worms, and this post is about the holidays, so I'm not going there. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt and I 100% trust he's going on holiday with his family but I agree, family oriented men cheat just the same.
frus69 Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 It doesn't tend to work like that though does it? Plenty lovely apparently family orientated men cheat on their wives and families... well Asian countries have significantly lower divorce rate than Western countries so I'm not sure why you think "family value" has nothing to do with cheating. I didn't say it's foolproof. I said lesser chance. I don't think there is any problem with my statement there.
Gaeta Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 I am quite happy with my family relationships - I don't have a void or anything like that. I just think it's odd he doesn't WANT to spend NYE or any part of his holiday with me. I think most girls would feel equally disappointed if their BF was away for the holidays and made plans without taking into account their considerations. If my boyfriend was in town and would not accompany me during the holidays It would hurt me yes. If my boyfriend decided to go spend the Holidays with his family in France (I am in Canada, he lives here but he's from France) I would wish him a good trip and to have fun. I would not make a big deal about not being with me or not asking me to join him there. Him and I have been dating 1 year, not 6 months and I would be perfect with that. I am trying really hard to understand why at 6 months you feel so offended he is going away with family. 2
lana-banana Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 It sounds like he is taking a major, multi-person excursion that probably requires as much coordination as a small wedding. You have been his girlfriend for all of six months. I'd get it if you guys were engaged or married, or if he was just going on a road trip, but this is absurd. You need to ratchet back your expectations until you're actually part of the family. 1
Author astarrynight2016 Posted November 29, 2016 Author Posted November 29, 2016 If my boyfriend was in town and would not accompany me during the holidays It would hurt me yes. If my boyfriend decided to go spend the Holidays with his family in France (I am in Canada, he lives here but he's from France) I would wish him a good trip and to have fun. I would not make a big deal about not being with me or not asking me to join him there. Him and I have been dating 1 year, not 6 months and I would be perfect with that. I am trying really hard to understand why at 6 months you feel so offended he is going away with family. Because he just spent 2 weeks with them for Thanksgiving, I hardly saw him, and now is leaving for 3 weeks again for Christmas/Xmas. I am not offended, I am disappointed that we aren't spending that much time together esp for the holidays, a time I am used to spending with boyfriends, and it doesn't seem like he cares about it the same way I do, that I want to spend part of my holidays with him. I am not demanding ANYTHING, but it would be nice if he cared a little and showed me he wants to spend it with me to (even if he can't!)
frus69 Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 Boy let's not even go there.. my bf HAS cheated on one of his exes (he admitted this to me, she happens to be a friend of a friend and hates his guts to this day) and his father cheated on his mother. This is another can of worms, and this post is about the holidays, so I'm not going there. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt and I 100% trust he's going on holiday with his family but I agree, family oriented men cheat just the same. If he has cheated on you.......I'm not sure why you are even with him still .....but If for whatever reason you want to start over with him then this incident alone, is just NOT something you need to worry. I would not read it as he doesn't "want to" spend it with you, it's just a tradition with only bloody family and he didn't think you'd get to hurt and didn't know he needs to cater your feelings towards it too.
Sunkissedpatio Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 Indeed, she is family enough for Thanksgiving and all, so why butthurt over Xmas? They invited her for some holidays, it means she IS important to the family. Isn't it enough? Does it have to be literally every holiday, every family event? Because NYE is a nice time to spend with your lover? Because since she was important enough to allow her to cook for 30 people (all family from both sides) at Thanksgiving you would think she would be important enough to at least consider in your plans for the x-mas holidays? Even if you don't plan to follow through with it, it's pretty selfish if him to say this was planned, you are not family yet, Im going, you're not, deal with it. Why don't OP appreciate that he is a nice family oriented man, at least it means lesser chance he will cheat and throw your family away in the future if you do become a family! You don't want to date a man who doesn't value family much! Because unfortunately the two aren't necessarily a pre-cursor to each other. Family values is indeed a very important quality to have but means squat when it comes to infidelity. I see a tendency in your reasoning here to reference things back to infidelity as a bargaining chip like "well he didn't spend x-mas holidays with you but at least he won't be unfaithful" like she should be happy with that. Infidelity and monogamy is not the only reference point to determine a man's/person's value as a romantic partner. There are many people who are completely loyal but are abusive and selfish and inconsiderate in relationships and "at least they won't cheat either" 2
Author astarrynight2016 Posted November 29, 2016 Author Posted November 29, 2016 If he has cheated on you.......I'm not sure why you are even with him still .....but If for whatever reason you want to start over with him then this incident alone, is just NOT something you need to worry. I would not read it as he doesn't "want to" spend it with you, it's just a tradition with only bloody family and he didn't think you'd get to hurt and didn't know he needs to cater your feelings towards it too. He hasn't cheated on me. You keep misreading my posts. He cheated on an ex girlfriend.
basil67 Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 I think that it's not so much that he "wants to spend the holidays without you" - but that he'd already made plans to spend the holidays with his family when you met him. At the moment your choice of language makes it sound like you see yourself as a victim and he's the bad guy...but the reality sounds like it's actually bad timing. Yes, could be true that he may be worried about sticking you in a crowded room with his family. However, it's more likely that his family don't really want to add non-family into an already overcrowded situation. Seriously, for you to join them, it would mean ALL of them would need to agree. Yes, it would be nice if you were able to visit for a few days. If you're already living in Europe, it's probably quite feasable if you were able to manage it. However, if you're living on another continent, that's a lot more money to drop on air fares for just a few days. I think it's worth letting this one go. But I wouldn't continue with him if he makes the same plans for next year. 3
Gaeta Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 Because he just spent 2 weeks with them for Thanksgiving, I hardly saw him, and now is leaving for 3 weeks again for Christmas/Xmas. I am not offended, I am disappointed that we aren't spending that much time together esp for the holidays, a time I am used to spending with boyfriends, and it doesn't seem like he cares about it the same way I do, that I want to spend part of my holidays with him. I am not demanding ANYTHING, but it would be nice if he cared a little and showed me he wants to spend it with me to (even if he can't!) You are learning about him. How were things between June and now? Was he heavily involved with family then? When in the game did you meet his parents? This man is 36, did he jump from another girlfriend to you?
Author astarrynight2016 Posted November 29, 2016 Author Posted November 29, 2016 (edited) You are learning about him. How were things between June and now? Was he heavily involved with family then? When in the game did you meet his parents? This man is 36, did he jump from another girlfriend to you? Things have been good. I met his mom maybe 2 months into the relationship when she visited him. He's always been very family oriented. He ended things with his last gf 2 months before we met, bc he found out she was lying about her profession and was actually doing something illegal. Edited November 29, 2016 by astarrynight2016
Gaeta Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 Things have been great. I met his mom maybe 2 months into the relationship when she visited him. He's always been very family oriented. He ended things with his last gf a few months before we met, bc he found out she was lying about her profession and was actually doing something illegal. How long did he date her? Did he include her in his family trips?
introverted1 Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 This thread is starting to remind me of the morning lark/night owl debate, which devolved into an argument of which was morally superior. OP, your bf is dedicated to family. This is a priority of his. He has had these plans since before he met you and he does not see why his short-term girlfriend would not understand that he is taking a once every x years trip with his close family. You may be just as dedicated to your family, but your manifestation is quite different. Three days together is plenty and you'd prefer to each have your own room. You would gladly forfeit some time with your family in order to spend it with your bf. Putting aside for the moment the fact that you've only been dating for 6 months -- which, at 28 and 36 yo is barely a drop in the bucket -- it's not a matter of him or you being right/wrong, but of different values. And that's the part you should be thinking about. He's not any more likely to become someone who only needs 3 days a year with his family any more than you are likely to become someone who wants to spend 3 weeks in a hotel room with 5 other people. So... if these values are a deal-breaker, it's good that they are surfacing early on. Good luck, OP. 3
Redhead14 Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 It's also a lot of money to spend on a bf who told her he wants to spend time with his family. It would be a lot different if he was a guy who said "Look I have to do this for my family but can you PLEASE come over to Europe for a while as I would love to spend some time WITH YOU." He didn't say that, he said she shouldn't complain. he said she shouldn't complain -- Which may mean that she came across as "complaining". At 6 months, that kind of trip is a little "pre-mature". What's more important at this stage of the dating scenario is quality time spent with just each other. The foundation of the relationship needs to be strong before it is exposed to dealing with that kind of family pressure, etc. What she could/should have said is "I want you to enjoy the trip. I'd love it if I could come with you but I understand that this has been planned for some time. I'd like it if we could have our own special holiday celebration before you go or when you get back. Let's choose a nice place to go and maybe take in a show". I promise you that until a relationship really has legs under it, spending that much time with a partner's family can cause a lot of difficulty. It may not, but why take that risk. 4
Author astarrynight2016 Posted November 29, 2016 Author Posted November 29, 2016 How long did he date her? Did he include her in his family trips? He's never included any gfs in his family trips - with the last two gfs they all broke up before Christmas. I'm also his most serious relationship -- the last few relationships he's had were all very short term and their families didn't meet.
Gaeta Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 He's never included any gfs in his family trips - with the last two gfs they all broke up before Christmas. I'm also his most serious relationship -- the last few relationships he's had were all very short term and their families didn't meet. A man of 36 with only short (under 6 months) relationships?? No marriage ever? no long term ever? I am seeing a flashing red neon here. 5
frus69 Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 Because NYE is a nice time to spend with your lover? Because since she was important enough to allow her to cook for 30 people (all family from both sides) at Thanksgiving you would think she would be important enough to at least consider in your plans for the x-mas holidays? " What? So because she was invited to Thanksgiving, it means she's only important enough for Thanksgiving? And since she's not invited to ONE Xmas/NYE, it must mean she's not important enough for Xmas and NYE? Seriously? I see a tendency in your reasoning here to reference things back to infidelity as a bargaining chip like "well he didn't spend x-mas holidays with you but at least he won't be unfaithful" like she should be happy with that. Infidelity and monogamy is not the only reference point to determine a man's/person's value as a romantic partner. There are many people who are completely loyal but are abusive and selfish and inconsiderate in relationships and "at least they won't cheat either" Are you implying not inviting a 6-months GF to Xmas/NYE is being abusive/selfish/inconsiderate? 2
Author astarrynight2016 Posted November 29, 2016 Author Posted November 29, 2016 A man of 36 with only short (under 6 months) relationships?? No marriage ever? no long term ever? I am seeing a flashing red neon here. Yep, I know. It is red flag to me as well. But to answer your question - nope, no marriage or other long term relationship besides me. I do get the sense that he really wants to make it work with me and he wants to settle down.
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