eightytwenty Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 I think I've confused myself at this point as to WHY! I think: 1) he doesn't think I'll be comfortable staying in a cramped apt with 10 people including 70 yr olds and several young kids 2) logistics are too complicated to figure out with many cities to go/tours booked/who knows 3) it's too early in our relationship for me to go on an annual family holiday trip even if it's just for a few days At the same time, I still think it's somewhat inconsiderate of him and/or his family to occupy all of their children's time for 3 weeks in Dec and not allow or make it difficult to spend time with people outside of blood relatives. And while he can argue that Christmas/NY is always spent with his family, I can argue in the past all of my New Years or some part of the holidays have been spent with SO's. I do think it's not cool to leave your SO alone for the holidays, but I suppose if everything else is going well in our relationship, I'll have to put up with this for now. And if anything good is going to come out of this, I can discuss with him that if we were to get married, I have zero interest sharing a room with 5 other people! If I saw this from someone I was dating, I would break up with them in a heartbeat. 1
Gaeta Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 At the same time, I still think it's somewhat inconsiderate of him and/or his family to occupy all of their children's time for 3 weeks in Dec and not allow or make it difficult to spend time with people outside of blood relatives. And while he can argue that Christmas/NY is always spent with his family, I can argue in the past all of my New Years or some part of the holidays have been spent with SO's. I do think it's not cool to leave your SO alone for the holidays, but I suppose if everything else is going well in our relationship, I'll have to put up with this for now. And if anything good is going to come out of this, I can discuss with him that if we were to get married, I have zero interest sharing a room with 5 other people! You and him do not share the same family values it seems. As someone that is heavily family oriented let me tell you when we organize those trips we are all 100% on board. Everyone participating is excited at the thought of being away with family. No one breaks anyone's arm to join the trip so no one is keeping family away from non-blood relationships. I spend Xmas and NYE with family. If I have to pick between spending it with my BF or my family, family wins...and I have been dating 1 year. I would never in a million year spend Xmas or NYE with friends instead of my family. It's an impossible scenario in my head. This is what you will have to deal with if you keep on dating this man. 1
frus69 Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 I think I've confused myself at this point as to WHY! I think: 1) he doesn't think I'll be comfortable staying in a cramped apt with 10 people including 70 yr olds and several young kids 2) logistics are too complicated to figure out with many cities to go/tours booked/who knows 3) it's too early in our relationship for me to go on an annual family holiday trip even if it's just for a few days! None of these sounds terribly wrong. I am not sure why you are so upset. It's not like he had another wife to go on trips with. And it IS too early for you to participate in family trips. You are not a family, not even a long term GF. At the same time, I still think it's somewhat inconsiderate of him and/or his family to occupy all of their children's time for 3 weeks in Dec and not allow or make it difficult to spend time with people outside of blood relatives. And while he can argue that Christmas/NY is always spent with his family, I can argue in the past all of my New Years or some part of the holidays have been spent with SO's. I do think it's not cool to leave your SO alone for the holidays, but I suppose if everything else is going well in our relationship, I'll have to put up with this for now. And if anything good is going to come out of this, I can discuss with him that if we were to get married, I have zero interest sharing a room with 5 other people! This part actually sounds very selfish of you and very entitled/spoiled of you. It just doesn't sound right at all 3
Ruby Slippers Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 I think 6 months is too early to be integrating you into these big family vacations or changing plans to spend holiday time with you. But this guy is obviously very close to his family, and his plans with them are always going to be a top priority. Make sure you can live with that. 1
Author astarrynight2016 Posted November 28, 2016 Author Posted November 28, 2016 None of these sounds terribly wrong. I am not sure why you are so upset. And it IS too early for you to participate in family trips. You are not a family, not even a long term GF. This part actually sounds very selfish of you and very entitled/spoiled of you. It just doesn't sound right at all Like I said before, if I thought my SO was alone for the holidays I'd extend an invite. It's his choice whether he wants to come or not for a few days. And I would not let my family tell me I can't invite my SO. I was bothered bc I wasn't invited, not even for a day or two. And from the perspective of someone that isn't as family oriented as he is, I don't think I am being selfish or entitled. My family would NEVER in a million years organize something that's longer than 3 days together (and we all need our own room), bc we just aren't THAT close. I even have a hard time understanding how they can be together for 3 weeks in a small apartment. So Gaeta nailed it - I just have different family values. I grew up with one sibling who grew up on the other side of the coast and my parents not being around as a child/in a different country, so I'm very independent whereas my BF grew up with 6 siblings, a stay at home mom, and 15 cousins.
frus69 Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 But this guy is obviously very close to his family, and his plans with them are always going to be a top priority. Make sure you can live with that. On what ground are you assuming plans with family will always be a top priority and OP would always be a second for him? He spends 4 days out of 5 with the OP, does he spend nearly as much time with her family? If he spends 4 days with his family then 1 day with OP, then I'd agree with you. But it's nothing like that. Maybe when she becomes a long term GF (after a year, maybe?)he will tag her alone? This assumption is so very irresponsible. 1
Author astarrynight2016 Posted November 28, 2016 Author Posted November 28, 2016 On what ground are you assuming plans with family will always be a top priority and OP would always be a second for him? He spends 4 days out of 5 with the OP, does he spend nearly as much time with her family? If he spends 4 days with his family then 1 day with OP, then I'd agree with you. But it's nothing like that. Maybe when she becomes a long term GF (after a year, maybe?)he will tag her alone? This assumption is so very irresponsible. His family is from Asia as are mine. When they are in town he drops everything for them and I'm basically a ragdoll, so that part is somewhat true. He doesn't spend that much time with my family when they visit bc my own family only wants to see me ONCE for dinner when visiting (lol) unlike his who wants to be with him every second of the day. 1
Sunkissedpatio Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 Obviously I will not do that (I have my own fun plans already with my gfs) but I am questioning why he's not inviting me for even a few days or wanting to spend part of the holidays with me knowing I am alone (he doesn't know what I have planned without him). I think it's premature to discuss what you expect from marriage -- it's only been 6 months! -- but the point of dating is to determine compatibility. Your f's actions when it comes to family is information for you to take on board and evaluate in the context of your own desires and needs. She has a point though. It may be premature to wonder what will happen "when we marry," but without even thinking that far ahead what will happen the following years if they aren't engaged yet? It's a pretty selfish tradition to all the spouses of the the kids and their respective families. It's one thing to have this tradition when you have single adult kids, and another when they are all grown up in respective relationships. Then what? so if she is to heed what is to come ahead in terms of compatibility and future planning this is a consideration for years to come at least. And he totally could have invited her to spend NYE with him, planned trip or not, a flight to wherever before the 31st is totally doable. If he really wanted to he could have invited her. It doesn't matter if she wants to pay her own way or not, that's her business and stop discouraging her feelings by bringing money into the equation of "oh you'll look desperate if you pay your own way" It looks more desperate if your sole intent is to freeload a trip. The money is the least of the worries. Since they are only together for 6 months, which at that point couples are totally in love and inseparable, you'd think he would be desperately wanting her to join him for NYE. That would be a fair take on the situation. Who pays and who can or will not fork out the money is totally irrelevant. If it were me and my family I'd want him to join me for a portion of the trip for sure. 1
Sunkissedpatio Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 Unless the whole family is attending some event on NYE that has limited invitations or sold out?
frus69 Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 And from the perspective of someone that isn't as family oriented as he is, I don't think I am being selfish or entitled. My family would NEVER in a million years organize something that's longer than 3 days together (and we all need our own room), bc we just aren't THAT close. I even have a hard time understanding how they can be together for 3 weeks in a small apartment. . Just because you aren't that close to your family, you don't think other people should. Just because you aren't as family oriented, you think it's rude that other people are, and think they neglect you. And this--is what makes you selfish. 1
elaine567 Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 So this festive season it is 10 people visiting Europe in cramped accommodation, what happened last year or the years previously? That may give you an insight into what will be expected of you going forward. I know you are upset now, but you may look back on this year as one of your best, you are free to spend it how YOU want, you don't need to listen to 70 yos snoring in the next bed, or little kids being sick... Look on the bright side.
frus69 Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 His family is from Asia as are mine. When they are in town he drops everything for them and I'm basically a ragdoll, so that part is somewhat true. He doesn't spend that much time with my family when they visit bc my own family only wants to see me ONCE for dinner when visiting (lol) unlike his who wants to be with him every second of the day. OMG, he drops everything when his family is in town probably because they are hardly ever in town! What is the problem with that? You don't need to be his first priority 24/7 non stop right? As you said, he already spends 4 days out of 5 with you, so what if he drops you on the 5th day to be with his family? You cant deal with it?? 1
Sunkissedpatio Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 None of these sounds terribly wrong. I am not sure why you are so upset. It's not like he had another wife to go on trips with. And it IS too early for you to participate in family trips. You are not a family, not even a long term GF. That's a ridiculous analogy. So unless someone has a partner who is being unfaithful they don't have a right to be annoyed or upset by some other action? She was family enough to spend all Thanksgiving with all his family and days that they were in town....
Author astarrynight2016 Posted November 29, 2016 Author Posted November 29, 2016 Just because you aren't that close to your family, you don't think other people should. Just because you aren't as family oriented, you think it's rude that other people are, and think they neglect you. And this--is what makes you selfish. No, it makes me narrow minded and judgemental (and I'm humble enough to admit you have a point there) but not selfish. Selfish would be if I demanded him to make changes for me with this holiday trip. I'm questioning this situation online in private but with him, I haven't said anything except that I'm disappointed we won't be spending a lot of time next month together.
Gaeta Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 "oh you'll look desperate if you pay your own way" It looks more desperate if your sole intent is to freeload a trip. The money is the least of the worries. I am the one who said if she pays a trip to Europe to spend a couple of days with him she will look desperate. It's not about who pays the trip, it's about common sense. She is in NY and he'll be in Europe. We are talking what? $3,000 trip for 2-3 days. It's ridiculous. If we had a woman on here asking how much she should spend on her boyfriend of 6 months for a gift how much do you think we would suggest? $100 ? $200? No more. Again, it's ridiculous to spend thousands of money to see a guy a couple of days when you've ONLY been dating 6 months and god knows if they'll still be dating in 2 weeks. If they had been dating a couple of years, sure! But not 6 months. 3
Author astarrynight2016 Posted November 29, 2016 Author Posted November 29, 2016 That's a ridiculous analogy. So unless someone has a partner who is being unfaithful they don't have a right to be annoyed or upset by some other action? She was family enough to spend all Thanksgiving with all his family and days that they were in town.... I also cooked half of the Thanksgiving dinner for 30 of his relatives. That was not easy. And then I had to wash all the dishes bc they were older, guests and I didn't want my potential mother in law to lift a finger. 30 people is a lot to cook and clean for --- I don't think I'm THAT bad of gf.
Author astarrynight2016 Posted November 29, 2016 Author Posted November 29, 2016 OMG, he drops everything when his family is in town probably because they are hardly ever in town! What is the problem with that? You don't need to be his first priority 24/7 non stop right? As you said, he already spends 4 days out of 5 with you, so what if he drops you on the 5th day to be with his family? You cant deal with it?? No, if you read what I stated earlier, they are in town all the time. For family that is based in Asia, they are here once every two months. That's a lot.
frus69 Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 She was family enough to spend all Thanksgiving with all his family and days that they were in town.... Indeed, she is family enough for Thanksgiving and all, so why butthurt over Xmas? They invited her for some holidays, it means she IS important to the family. Isn't it enough? Does it have to be literally every holiday, every family event? Why don't OP appreciate that he is a nice family oriented man, at least it means lesser chance he will cheat and throw your family away in the future if you do become a family! You don't want to date a man who doesn't value family much!
Gaeta Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 Selfish would be if I demanded him to make changes for me with this holiday trip. I don't want to be a pest but....Asking him to include you in a trip scheduled months ahead or asking him to split from his family to go spend a couple of days with you, isn't asking him to change his plans for you? 2
Author astarrynight2016 Posted November 29, 2016 Author Posted November 29, 2016 I don't want to be a pest but....Asking him to include you in a trip scheduled months ahead or asking him to split from his family to go spend a couple of days with you, isn't asking him to change his plans for you? I already spent time with his entire family during thanksgiving and many times before, I would be comfortable hanging with his family. I would not take him away. All I was asking, was if he knew I was alone for the holidays, why not invite me even if it's just one or two days. I am NOT asking him to many any changes to his plan or time with his family.
frus69 Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 No, if you read what I stated earlier, they are in town all the time. For family that is based in Asia, they are here once every two months. That's a lot. I said it once, and I'm gonna say it again "he already spends 4 days out of 5 with you, so what if he drops you on the 5th day to be with his family?! "
Gaeta Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 She was family enough to spend all Thanksgiving with all his family and days that they were in town.... You cannot compare an organized trip of 3 weeks to Europe to a dinner at Thanks Giving.
Author astarrynight2016 Posted November 29, 2016 Author Posted November 29, 2016 Indeed, she is family enough for Thanksgiving and all, so why butthurt over Xmas? They invited her for some holidays, it means she IS important to the family. Isn't it enough? Does it have to be literally every holiday, every family event? Why don't OP appreciate that he is a nice family oriented man, at least it means lesser chance he will cheat and throw your family away in the future if you do become a family! You don't want to date a man who doesn't value family much! No, it doesn't have to be every family event. But in this context, he just spent 2 weeks with his family for Thanksgiving where I hardly saw HIM (I hung with his family a lot though) and now he's gone for 3 weeks with his family again when I'll be alone (as far as he knows) it seems a little odd he didn't want to invite me for a few days even, that is all.
elaine567 Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 Again, it's ridiculous to spend thousands of money to see a guy a couple of days when you've ONLY been dating 6 months and god knows if they'll still be dating in 2 weeks. It's also a lot of money to spend on a bf who told her he wants to spend time with his family. It would be a lot different if he was a guy who said "Look I have to do this for my family but can you PLEASE come over to Europe for a while as I would love to spend some time WITH YOU." He didn't say that, he said she shouldn't complain. 1
Gaeta Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 I already spent time with his entire family during thanksgiving and many times before, I would be comfortable hanging with his family. I would not take him away. All I was asking, was if he knew I was alone for the holidays, why not invite me even if it's just one or two days. I am NOT asking him to many any changes to his plan or time with his family. Why are you alone for the Holidays? You cannot ask him to fill in the void for your lack of family relationship and closeness. Not at 6 months dating. 1
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