Sunkissedpatio Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 y. It's quite hurtful that he would leave me out of his holiday plans knowing I'll be alone for NYE. That's really annoying! My ex had the same tradition with his family (he came from a big family with all his brothers and their families living across the country) so his mom would have all get together in the caribbean once a year. We'd been together for 8 months he wouldn't have dreamt of going without me even though I didn't expect an invite. It wasn't for NYE either. If you think about it it's kind of selfish of your guys' family to have that get-together at the worst time of the year where people all want to be around their family but that have to juggle splitting their time together since they will be forming their own families or having partners/spouses/g/f b/f Unless the family is all welcoming but it's your guy that is making the separation...
introverted1 Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 I would not want him to miss out on his holiday plans, but had he offered that I could join for a a day or two, I would have purchased my own tickets and accommodations as I wouldn't want to burden them in any way. It's quite hurtful that he would leave me out of his holiday plans knowing I'll be alone for NYE. I think you are being somewhat self-absorbed. These are plans that were made before you came on the scene. I don't think it's right for you to now expect the 10 of them to alter their plans for the 1 of you. Nor is it appropriate to expect your bf to let down 9 other people because his gf of six (short) months can't figure out something else to do on NYE. If you are still dating next year and this situation repeats itself, then you'll have reason to complain. 5
Sunkissedpatio Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 You should be able to deal with a 3-week absence. Perhaps you can focus on ways you and your bf can celebrate upon his return. I hardly doubt it's about "how to utilize your time while your man is away" I'm pretty sure she'll be absolutely fine and have no trouble occupying her time. It's about the feeling of exclusion from something this significant when she's already met the family. It's been 6 months that I can understand, but if this were the following year what's the rationale? I'm not sure if it was already touched on and explained but if everyone is going with their partners why on earth would you exclude your own partner?
Author astarrynight2016 Posted November 28, 2016 Author Posted November 28, 2016 That's really annoying! My ex had the same tradition with his family (he came from a big family with all his brothers and their families living across the country) so his mom would have all get together in the caribbean once a year. We'd been together for 8 months he wouldn't have dreamt of going without me even though I didn't expect an invite. It wasn't for NYE either. If you think about it it's kind of selfish of your guys' family to have that get-together at the worst time of the year where people all want to be around their family but that have to juggle splitting their time together since they will be forming their own families or having partners/spouses/g/f b/f Unless the family is all welcoming but it's your guy that is making the separation... I can see why people here would say I'm selfish/spoiled but on the flip side of the coin, if his family really loves me as they seem to and say they do (I spent all Thanksgiving with them), and I'm all alone for NYE why would my bf not invite me for a few days esp. if I am willing to pay for my own accommodations and flights? I know if I were dating someone seriously as we are dating, and I was on a long holiday with my family, I'd def extend an invite if he was alone for the holidays. He might have to another room in the same hotel but at least he's not alone. Additionally, my boyfriends mother was just here for 14 days living with him for Thanksgiving, and all his family came, he spent every single day with her and I spent 6-7 days with her too. So it's not like he never sees his family. I guess part of my frustration is that we haven't spent a lot of time together, with his family in town for Thanksgiving, and now I will hardly see him next month once again because of his family plans which I am being left out of.
elaine567 Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 Unless the family is all welcoming but it's your guy that is making the separation... That thought had crossed my mind too. But 10 family members in 2 rooms for 3 weeks sounds like Hell... Some families can't stand 3 hours together on Christmas day without World War Three breaking out.
Gaeta Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 I would not want him to miss out on his holiday plans, but had he offered that I could join for a a day or two, I would have purchased my own tickets and accommodations as I wouldn't want to burden them in any way. It's quite hurtful that he would leave me out of his holiday plans knowing I'll be alone for NYE. You said they are visiting 3 cities in an European city. Where are you located? if you are in the US you mean you'd be ready to pay thousands of dollars to purchase a ticket during Holidays season an pay top hotel fees just to be with him 2 or 3 days? Don't you think it's a bit over-doing it?
introverted1 Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 I hardly doubt it's about "how to utilize your time while your man is away" I'm pretty sure she'll be absolutely fine and have no trouble occupying her time. It's about the feeling of exclusion from something this significant when she's already met the family. It's been 6 months that I can understand, but if this were the following year what's the rationale? She said, "It's quite hurtful that he would leave me out of his holiday plans knowing I'll be alone for NYE." In any case, these plans were made before they met. Any trip that involves 10 people sleeping in 2 bedrooms sounds like something reserved for intimate family. I can't imagine it wouldn't be awkward for everyone, including the OP, if she were to be there. Even if she stayed in her own accommodations, I am sure she'd expect her bf to stay with her, which changes the whole dynamic of the family vacation. m not sure if it was already touched on and explained but if everyone is going with their partners why on earth would you exclude your own partner? I don't think we've been told who is going, although in any earlier post it was implied that only family and spouses attend. I think it's safe to say that, at six months, you may feel great potential with a partner, but it is too soon to determine that this person is going to be in your life on a permanent basis. 1
Author astarrynight2016 Posted November 28, 2016 Author Posted November 28, 2016 That thought had crossed my mind too. But 10 family members in 2 rooms for 3 weeks sounds like Hell... Some families can't stand 3 hours together on Christmas day without World War Three breaking out. I'm sure part of the reason is that there just isn't room for me. Still, he could offer to have me stay in another room (which I will pay for) . I guess I'll just have to get over this one like most of you are saying. Just sucks!
Author astarrynight2016 Posted November 28, 2016 Author Posted November 28, 2016 She said, "It's quite hurtful that he would leave me out of his holiday plans knowing I'll be alone for NYE." In any case, these plans were made before they met. Any trip that involves 10 people sleeping in 2 bedrooms sounds like something reserved for intimate family. I can't imagine it wouldn't be awkward for everyone, including the OP, if she were to be there. Even if she stayed in her own accommodations, I am sure she'd expect her bf to stay with her, which changes the whole dynamic of the family vacation. I don't think we've been told who is going, although in any earlier post it was implied that only family and spouses attend. I think it's safe to say that, at six months, you may feel great potential with a partner, but it is too soon to determine that this person is going to be in your life on a permanent basis. You are right, staying with 10 people in 2 rooms is not something anyone would feel comfortable with. And only spouses attend, no gfs/bfs. We are located in NY. I haven't looked up flights, I am sure it'll be expensive. But money aside, it's more the principle of the matter that bothers me.
introverted1 Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 might have to another room in the same hotel but at least he's not alone. Additionally, my boyfriends mother was just here for 14 days living with him for Thanksgiving, and all his family came, he spent every single day with her and I spent 6-7 days with her too. So it's not like he never sees his family. I guess part of my frustration is that we haven't spent a lot of time together, with his family in town for Thanksgiving, and now I will hardly see him next month once again because of his family plans which I am being left out of. I think one thing you've learned from all of this is that your bf comes from a tight-knit family, and that's not likely to change. Yes, if you end up marrying, you will be included, but you should realise that family plays an important role for him. Are you ok with that? 1
Sunkissedpatio Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 You said they are visiting 3 cities in an European city. Where are you located? if you are in the US you mean you'd be ready to pay thousands of dollars to purchase a ticket during Holidays season an pay top hotel fees just to be with him 2 or 3 days? Don't you think it's a bit over-doing it? Was going to ask the same question. If you are in Europe it is super cheap to get flights to join them in any country. But if you are in NA and around the holidays ya it could get quite pricey. @Elaine yes I saw the 20 in a room post, no thank you very much! Plus me personally, I would want to spend x-mas with my own family I'd have no issue splitting up during that time for the first few years because having that time with my own family is way more important if the relationship plans calls for a split during x-mas. But a good middle ground is to agree to spend NYE together then the holidays get divided up nicely and everyone is happy. But that wasn't even a consideration.
Gaeta Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 I'm not sure if it was already touched on and explained but if everyone is going with their partners why on earth would you exclude your own partner? He told her already. They are 6 months dating. She will come along when they are engaged or married. I would never expect a boyfriend of 6 months to take me along a 3 weeks vacations with his family. Frankly I would not want to tag along the in-laws for that long. OP Have you ever spent an entire week together? These things need to be done gradually. You don't go from dating a few days a week to spend a full 3 weeks together with the in-laws. That would be enough to ruin your relationship.
Sunkissedpatio Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 I think one thing you've learned from all of this is that your bf comes from a tight-knit family, and that's not likely to change. Yes, if you end up marrying, you will be included, but you should realise that family plays an important role for him. Are you ok with that? Excellent point and one to take on board as those early lessons about what the relationship will call for. Gaeta He told her already. They are 6 months dating. She will come along when they are engaged or married. Oh he did? Hmmmmm Them are the cards then....
introverted1 Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 You are right, staying with 10 people in 2 rooms is not something anyone would feel comfortable with. And only spouses attend, no gfs/bfs. We are located in NY. I haven't looked up flights, I am sure it'll be expensive. But money aside, it's more the principle of the matter that bothers me. But isn't the principle of the matter that only spouses attend? It's not as though they created a new rule in order to exclude you. Rather, you are asking them to create a new rule in order to include you. I imagine that, at age 36, your bf has had many relationships that lasted 6 months. It's likely that no one sees the same significance of you two being apart as you do. 2
Author astarrynight2016 Posted November 28, 2016 Author Posted November 28, 2016 He told her already. They are 6 months dating. She will come along when they are engaged or married. I would never expect a boyfriend of 6 months to take me along a 3 weeks vacations with his family. Frankly I would not want to tag along the in-laws for that long. OP Have you ever spent an entire week together? These things need to be done gradually. You don't go from dating a few days a week to spend a full 3 weeks together with the in-laws. That would be enough to ruin your relationship. We have taken long trips (longest one being 2.5 weeks) together. I would not want to be with my in laws that long either (heck, I couldn't wait for them to leave after Thanksgiving!). This is not about me actually wanting to spend 3 weeks with them in a cramped little apartment (that's hell), it's more so the fact that I am being kept out when he knows I'll be alone for the holidays AND we just spent 2 weeks with his family. It seems most of you here agree I should let it drop this year and hope next year I am included somehow.
introverted1 Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 We have taken long trips (longest one being 2.5 weeks) together. I would not want to be with my in laws that long either (heck, I couldn't wait for them to leave after Thanksgiving!). This is not about me actually wanting to spend 3 weeks with them in a cramped little apartment (that's hell), it's more so the fact that I am being kept out when he knows I'll be alone for the holidays AND we just spent 2 weeks with his family. It seems most of you here agree I should let it drop this year and hope next year I am included somehow. And next year's post will be: Help, how do I get out of spending 3 weeks in a bedroom with 6 other people while I go on vacation with my fiance! :laugh: 5
Gaeta Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 We are located in NY. I haven't looked up flights, I am sure it'll be expensive. But money aside, it's more the principle of the matter that bothers me. Honey, if you do that, if you buy a round trip from NY to Europe + hotel + meals, just for a couple of days with him YOU will come across as a desperate woman, to him and to his entire family. I promise you that will be the day you started killing the love between him and you. 2
Author astarrynight2016 Posted November 28, 2016 Author Posted November 28, 2016 But isn't the principle of the matter that only spouses attend? It's not as though they created a new rule in order to exclude you. Rather, you are asking them to create a new rule in order to include you. I imagine that, at age 36, your bf has had many relationships that lasted 6 months. It's likely that no one sees the same significance of you two being apart as you do. I get this but that's quite selfish for the family to not realize holidays should include gfs/gfs/fiances/financees no? Plus, I'm a little concerned with this annual 3 week holiday tradition what if we do get married will our children see my family for the holidays at all or is this always the way it'll be?
Author astarrynight2016 Posted November 28, 2016 Author Posted November 28, 2016 Honey, if you do that, if you buy a round trip from NY to Europe + hotel + meals, just for a couple of days with him YOU will come across as a desperate woman, to him and to his entire family. I promise you that will be the day you started killing the love between him and you. Obviously I will not do that (I have my own fun plans already with my gfs) but I am questioning why he's not inviting me for even a few days or wanting to spend part of the holidays with me knowing I am alone (he doesn't know what I have planned without him).
introverted1 Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 Plus, I'm a little concerned with this annual 3 week holiday tradition what if we do get married will our children see my family for the holidays at all or is this always the way it'll be? This is what I was alluding to above. Your bf clearly values family time. Has he been married before? Is he looking to get married now? I think it's premature to discuss what you expect from marriage -- it's only been 6 months! -- but the point of dating is to determine compatibility. Your f's actions when it comes to family is information for you to take on board and evaluate in the context of your own desires and needs. 2
frus69 Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 Obviously I will not do that (I have my own fun plans already with my gfs) but I am questioning why he's not inviting me for even a few days or wanting to spend part of the holidays with me knowing I am alone (he doesn't know what I have planned without him). And why do you think he did that?
Gaeta Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 I get this but that's quite selfish for the family to not realize holidays should include gfs/gfs/fiances/financees no? Plus, I'm a little concerned with this annual 3 week holiday tradition what if we do get married will our children see my family for the holidays at all or is this always the way it'll be? Personally I do not find this year being selfish. Trips like these need to be organized and booked months ahead. You were probably not in the picture yet. You don't know but maybe this family had a very bad experience with a short-term girlfriend coming along in the past and they decided never again and from there it was a trip for fiancés and spouses. This is why you are dating, to evaluate if you are compatible. This current situation is an excellent opportunity to talk about families and what is expected on both sides. You will see how flexible he is and maybe you'll realize this is not your cup of tea. 2
Gaeta Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 Obviously I will not do that (I have my own fun plans already with my gfs) but I am questioning why he's not inviting me for even a few days or wanting to spend part of the holidays with me knowing I am alone (he doesn't know what I have planned without him). Because it's a ridiculous expense for only a couple of days unless you are all rich and round trips to Europe is just pocket money to you all.
introverted1 Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 I am questioning why he's not inviting me for even a few days or wanting to spend part of the holidays with me knowing I am alone (he doesn't know what I have planned without him). Because: 1. This is their tradition - holidays are spent with family + spouses. Don't overthink this - there could be lots of reasons for this tradition that have nothing to do with you or even with your bf. 2. Even if it wasn't their tradition, most guys would not think of asking you to spend a boatload of money to join them in a cramped family holiday vacation. If I were you, I'd be a whole lot less worried about this year and a lot more worried about what my future with this guy would be like. I cannot imagine wanting to spend 3 weeks in a hotel room with 5 other people. 2
Author astarrynight2016 Posted November 28, 2016 Author Posted November 28, 2016 (edited) And why do you think he did that? I think I've confused myself at this point as to WHY! I think: 1) he doesn't think I'll be comfortable staying in a cramped apt with 10 people including 70 yr olds and several young kids 2) logistics are too complicated to figure out with many cities to go/tours booked/who knows 3) it's too early in our relationship for me to go on an annual family holiday trip even if it's just for a few days At the same time, I still think it's somewhat inconsiderate of him and/or his family to occupy all of their children's time for 3 weeks in Dec and not allow or make it difficult to spend time with people outside of blood relatives. And while he can argue that Christmas/NY is always spent with his family, I can argue in the past all of my New Years or some part of the holidays have been spent with SO's. I do think it's not cool to leave your SO alone for the holidays, but I suppose if everything else is going well in our relationship, I'll have to put up with this for now. And if anything good is going to come out of this, I can discuss with him that if we were to get married, I have zero interest sharing a room with 5 other people! Edited November 28, 2016 by astarrynight2016
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