Boyfriend wants to spend the holidays without me

[astarrynight2016]

I've been dating my current boyfriend for 6 months. Our relationship is great for the most part - we spend 4-5 days together out of a week, he's said "I love yous", taken multiple trips together, met his family etc etc in fact I just spent Thanksgiving with him and his family. His family has met my family too.

 

Yet he is going away for 3 weeks on a family vacation for the holidays (Dec 12 - Jan 1) and is not inviting me. When I bring up that 3 weeks is a long time to be away he says this is an annual family tradition of going away during the holidays and we're not married so he should be able to join his family by himself and I can't complain. I'm upset that I'm not invited but at the same time not sure if I am over reacting? He has a large family and they are very close. I can understand perhaps they planned the trip early on without knowing whether I'd even be around, plus we've only been together 6 months, but I also think if he is really serious about me and our parents have already met and I've spent Thanksgiving with them, he should extend an invite for a few days (so I don't interfere with their tradition) or compromise somehow to spend part of the holidays with me.

 

Please let me know if I am being totally crazy here !

[Hopeful30]

Let this one go.

 

I also used to go away for a month with my family every year. It's the only time you get to still be a family, and none of us would invite our significant others.

 

I don't think you should worry about this. You aren't part of his family yet, so inviting you to a family holiday that happens every year isn't a requirement right now.

 

On the flip side, it sucks spending the holidays alone, but maybe you should spend it with family or friends also. You aren't priority enough for him to stay back, but don't be offended by this. Family is family. You should be grateful he holds to these values, it can serve you quite well in the future if you end up starting a family.

[DarrenB]

Of course it'd be nice to spend that time with your partner, but you both have families and you both have separate lives outside of the relationship, right? What you have to understand is there's going to be times and events where you can't be together for whatever reason, and you're simply going to have to respect that or you'll be portrayed as selfish and that is all.

 

I feel personally that it's fine that he spends it without you. He shouldn't feel obliged to invite you to every single event him and his family have planned. Of course this can be argued from your behalf but really, what's the problem that he spends it with his family, without your presence? all the more time for you to spend some time with your family yourself right?

 

I think you're over-exaggerating slightly and need to not over analyze this like you're currently doing. There's nothing wrong going on here, it's just a way of life. We're all entitled to live our own lives and do things without the person of whom we're with.

[MarkIVSteel]

You are totally, totally overreacting.

[Gaeta]

I've been dating my current boyfriend for 6 months. Our relationship is great for the most part - we spend 4-5 days together out of a week, he's said "I love yous", taken multiple trips together, met his family etc etc in fact I just spent Thanksgiving with him and his family. His family has met my family too.

 

I think he has given you a lot in terms of commitment and this after only 6 months. Why not cut him a break? He has given you half the pie but you're crying because you want it all.

 

Have your own plans and let him miss you.

[Larryville]

Interesting: Maybe many might disagree but in all my adult life while in relationships I have always been invited to “holiday” family gatherings and a few I had been dating less timewise.

 

Heck this goes back to even high school.

 

If I were near my family and I was really into whoever I was dating I would always at least ask.

 

IMHO leaving you out clearly means he does not value you as anything more than a close acquaintance.

[Gaeta]

Interesting: Maybe many might disagree but in all my adult life while in relationships I have always been invited to “holiday” family gatherings and a few I had been dating less timewise.

 

Heck this goes back to even high school.

 

If I were near my family and I was really into whoever I was dating I would always at least ask.

 

IMHO leaving you out clearly means he does not value you as anything more than a close acquaintance.

 

Depending on the type of trip.

 

Maybe it's a trip that has been reserved ahead of time and there is no room for additional people. Maybe it's very expensive and boyfriend can't afford it. Maybe boyfriend does not want to spend 3 weeks straight with his girlfriend because he's not 'there' yet in this relationship.

 

People have different reasons, different priorities, different values.

 

I have introduced my ex-boyfriend to my parents at 6 months dating only. I would not have invited him to spend 3 weeks with me abroad with my family. We were not 'there' yet in our relationship. And guess what? I was crazy about that man.

[eightytwenty]

He took you to Thanksgiving thats a good sign. Maybe he wants to just be around his family, it's still a new relationship to be asking you to go that long with HIS family. Maybe one of his parents said no to you coming and they want to spend time with him?

 

 

I wouldn't be bothered by it because you aren't in the "circle" yet. Circle I mean y'all are still in the early parts, no engagement, so no reason for him to take someone that's still new to even him.

 

 

Yes you are over-reacting.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you're over-reacting.

 

It sounds like it's a family tradition and to be fair, you haven't been together very long. Let him go and enjoy his time with his family, and perhaps plan something special for just the two of you after the holidays.

[astarrynight2016]

Thanks everyone. To provide more context, this is a trip that has been planned for a while and involves going to three cities in one European country. He's mentioned that to save money they squeeze into 2 bedrooms (a family of 10 people) so I'm thinking it could be the logistics/cost. But he hasn't told me that verbatim so I'm just assuming and it still hurts I'm left out.

[Larryville]

Depending on the type of trip.

 

Maybe it's a trip that has been reserved ahead of time and there is no room for additional people. Maybe it's very expensive and boyfriend can't afford it. Maybe boyfriend does not want to spend 3 weeks straight with his girlfriend because he's not 'there' yet in this relationship.

 

People have different reasons, different priorities, different values.

 

I have introduced my ex-boyfriend to my parents at 6 months dating only. I would not have invited him to spend 3 weeks with me abroad with my family. We were not 'there' yet in our relationship. And guess what? I was crazy about that man.

 

G I agree with you, again another example of not knowing all the facts, we can only comment on what we know.

 

I’m just throwing in that I have always been asked, family gatherings, trips, big dinners ect.

 

I will throw in this: I work in a high profile place, and I was dating this lady where I invited her to a BIG work related program/event with a high level VIP. I'm just say if I'm into you I want you there. I get this will vary with most folks.

[anna121]

This is about family dynamics so there is no right or wrong. I'd say it's fine to be disappointed - especially as this would have been your first Christmas together. But it's really ok for him to spend the time with family.

 

Fill up the weeks with fun outings, don't text him too much, and then plan a really special intimate "second Christmas" for when he gets back.

[Larryville]

To provide more context, this is a trip that has been planned for a while and involves going to three cities in one European country.

 

Ok just saw, that solves that mystery:) Yup G

[Gaeta]

Thanks everyone. To provide more context, this is a trip that has been planned for a while and involves going to three cities in one European country. He's mentioned that to save money they squeeze into 2 bedrooms (a family of 10 people) so I'm thinking it could be the logistics/cost. But he hasn't told me that verbatim so I'm just assuming and it still hurts I'm left out.

 

There you go. Asking him to squeeze you into such a trip is asking too much. Wish him a wonderful trip. Sure he could have verbalized all this to you but considering women say 10,000 more words a day than men...maybe to him it's obvious you'd know why.

[basil67]

How old is he?

 

If he's 17, I understand what his family is doing. If he's 27, I find it really odd that he's not sharing the holidays with you.

[astarrynight2016]

He's 36 and I'm 28

[elaine567]

OK it is a family trip but who does get invited?

I get that a 6 month gf is probably not going to be invited, but what about once you are engaged or married?

Seems like a lovely family tradition but if it only involves blood family or no kids for instance or only "special" or close family members, then you may be spending many Xmas's alone or looking after the kids whilst your now husband enjoys his great annual family tradition...

[smackie9]

Nothing wrong with how you feel...most anyone would feel rejected BUT you have only known each other for 6 months...that's hardly anything. Your relationship is just too new to be going to what is a family reunion vacay.

 

I can see it if you two were together for sometime, engaged or married....then you would pretty much be a part of his family respectively. You two are still getting to know one another and not there yet as a solid committed relationship.

[elaine567]

He's 36 and I'm 28

 

Oh...

 

................................

[joseb]

Thanks everyone. To provide more context, this is a trip that has been planned for a while and involves going to three cities in one European country. He's mentioned that to save money they squeeze into 2 bedrooms (a family of 10 people) so I'm thinking it could be the logistics/cost. But he hasn't told me that verbatim so I'm just assuming and it still hurts I'm left out.

 

Seriously you expect to go along to that?

 

Even if this wan't the case, and they had loads of room, I don't really think you should expect to be going on three week all expenses paid vacations with you bfs family. Ive been in relationships most of my life, and I've never once gone on a "family" vacation. The most I've done is spend a couple of days at my "inlaws" place.

 

And don't you want to spend that time with your family anyway?

[astarrynight2016]

If I were going away for the holidays for three weeks I'd talk to my partner in advance and see if he'd like to join for a day or two (not the entire trip) or offer to fly back early a day or two to spend time with him. He's unwilling to do that and is telling me to just deal, that is what makes it difficult.

[Gaeta]

If I were going away for the holidays for three weeks I'd talk to my partner in advance and see if he'd like to join for a day or two (not the entire trip) or offer to fly back early a day or two to spend time with him. He's unwilling to do that and is telling me to just deal, that is what makes it difficult.

 

You are being a spoiled child now.

 

Do you know how much it cost to change flight dates? And why would he stop enjoying his trip and miss their last family dinner together just to please you a couple of days ahead?

 

I come from a family that does 'family vacations'. I know what it involves. When you're away you don't think of back home. Your days are all scheduled, and last day is usually a special family dinner. You'd want him to miss that?

[Sunkissedpatio]

Three weeks is a long time considering you already met his family. You easily could have joined them for part of the trip. The fact he just didn't want you there would annoy me too, I see your point but it's only been 6 months. If this tradition continues on years during your courtship and he is doing the same then different story.

[astarrynight2016]

You are being a spoiled child now.

 

Do you know how much it cost to change flight dates? And why would he stop enjoying his trip and miss their last family dinner together just to please you a couple of days ahead?

 

I come from a family that does 'family vacations'. I know what it involves. When you're away you don't think of back home. Your days are all scheduled, and last day is usually a special family dinner. You'd want him to miss that?

 

I would not want him to miss out on his holiday plans, but had he offered that I could join for a a day or two, I would have purchased my own tickets and accommodations as I wouldn't want to burden them in any way. It's quite hurtful that he would leave me out of his holiday plans knowing I'll be alone for NYE.

[introverted1]

Thanks everyone. To provide more context, this is a trip that has been planned for a while and involves going to three cities in one European country. He's mentioned that to save money they squeeze into 2 bedrooms (a family of 10 people) so I'm thinking it could be the logistics/cost. But he hasn't told me that verbatim so I'm just assuming and it still hurts I'm left out.

 

Seems pretty obvious that there would not be any room for you, even if you only showed up for a few days. Or are you expecting that you and your bf would rent your own room for the duration of your stay and then he'd return to his family after you left? Surely you can see that would disrupt their gathering, which appears to include more than just your bf's immediate family.

 

Not sure what you hope to gain by making an issue of this. You've been dating for 6 months and have already made significant progress in the relationship. Unless this is the hill you want to die on, I would accept that the logistics of this trip do not include you. You should be able to deal with a 3-week absence. Perhaps you can focus on ways you and your bf can celebrate upon his return.