I'm not sure I should give any more time

[Redhead14]

Hi. Thank you for reading my post. I really need some sound advice here. Anything to help my heart.

 

I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for two years. It's been pretty good. He's really kind, honest, and trustworthy. Those are qualities I really admire and respect and love about him.

 

However, over the last two years, I've never really felt super connected, like how I'd want a long-term life partnership to feel. Conversations are not as deep as I would like them to be-- I feel more emotionally connected outside than inside our relationship. We also have no future plans-- in two years, nothing I can look forward to beyond next week or what have you. I feel extremely unsettled. I"m at a place in my life where I'm ready to settle down and have a life partner. I'm financially and professionally stable. I'm emotionally mature.

 

I have asked him for certain things-- more emotional openness, any future plans at all. I told him a year ago that, in one year, I wanted to be talking about having kids, either with him or by myself. A year went by and we're still in the same place. I said about three months ago that by the end of the year we needed to figure out next steps about a living situation, but no further conversation.

 

I could give countless examples of me expressing a need and nothing really changing or coming up again.

 

I told him on Friday that I loved him but I needed to think about whether I could continue like this. He said everything I wanted to hear-- that he would do better, that he loved me and wanted to meet my needs as my partner, that he doesn't want to give up.

 

The hard part is that I love him so much, and he loves me. Our day-to-day is fun, but I look down the road and I see something that really scares me--a lifetime of being lonely, unfulfilled, and un-prioritized. Fun isn't really enough.

 

I'm 37 and he's 38. Neither of us has been married. He has a non-traditional job that takes him traveling around places, and I don't think he's really changed his lifestyle much for anyone (I work remotely, so I'm able to travel with him although it's not very convenient or fun for me at times.). I'm not *unhappy* per se, I just want to be happier than I am. I want to feel excited about spending my life with someone, not nervous and uncomfortable.

 

I guess my question is-- do I cut my losses and leave? Has he already proven he can't/won't be a fulfilling partner to me? Or do I trust him this time when he says he will try? I guess I should also mention I'm really scared of being alone again. Starting over at my age.

 

I've been crying for 24 hours straight trying to figure this out. I don't know what's right. Please help.

 

I'm really scared of being alone again -- There is nothing worse than feeling alone while being in a relationship . . .

 

Starting over at any age can be difficult but it also builds strength and self-confidence. I've started my life over 3 times. I am now 57 years old and if I had to, I would start over again without fear. I do not need another person in my life to "carry me" and especially not one who doesn't add to my life and the happiness I already have for myself. I don't need a man in my life to be happy. The man in your life isn't responsible for making you happy, he should only enhance and add to it. Anything less, is unacceptable.

 

After two years, the relationship you have now with your boyfriend, is the relationship you would always have if you stay with him.

Edited November 28, 2016 by Redhead14

[joseb]

He is who he is. He is not going to change. He may want to, but he can't. Not really.

 

I sense that you are not all that into him.

You say you want a baby with him or alone. To me that says you care a lot more about having a baby than about him.

[Miss Peach]

Just because someone isn't right for you doesn't mean you wasted your time IMO.

 

But if you have different goals then it's time to set a deadline and move on. I have found that when I'm getting close to walking, exes say everything I want to hear but they never do anything and we wind up at square one.

[BluesPower]

I wonder if I can make this more clear, and everyone, please chime in if you all think I am wrong.

 

Two years of a good R is not a waste of time. You had some good times, fell in love, all that. Good deal.

 

Now before you have said that you are afraid to be alone. And, you are 29 years old, not old but defiantly time to start thinking about settling down and starting your real life.

 

You said in this post that you really don't fell as connected as you think you should feel. He has trouble committing and you have laid out some very reasonable time lines.

 

I think that even in your last thread, everyone said that he is a man child, and in this one as well.

 

So I am thinking that these are the basic facts that you are dealing with through 2 threads.

 

Try to understand, if this guy wanted to marry you and settle down he would have already done it. Bottom line.

 

He is happy the way things are. You are not the one for him that will get him to get off his *** and become a man. He is in fact a man child and he wants to stay that way.

 

He is happy to be BF/GF, he has a steady supply of, hopefully good, sex. He has you for comfort, and he does not have to work very hard to keep you and he does not have to go back on the dating scene an really work the get laid.

 

He has no incentive to change, and he does not want to. He will tell you whatever you want to here in order to keep you on a string. To keep that status quo.

 

You don't feel emotionally connected to him because you are not connected emotionally to him. Inside you know that he is not the right guy for you.

 

When you meet the man you want to marry, you will know it. You will almost immediately feel a deep emotional connection, you will know he is the one.

 

So what you need to do is dump this guy, and start dating with the idea of finding the one you want to marry. Because this guy is not the one...