cat Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 Hi. Thank you for reading my post. I really need some sound advice here. Anything to help my heart. I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for two years. It's been pretty good. He's really kind, honest, and trustworthy. Those are qualities I really admire and respect and love about him. However, over the last two years, I've never really felt super connected, like how I'd want a long-term life partnership to feel. Conversations are not as deep as I would like them to be-- I feel more emotionally connected outside than inside our relationship. We also have no future plans-- in two years, nothing I can look forward to beyond next week or what have you. I feel extremely unsettled. I"m at a place in my life where I'm ready to settle down and have a life partner. I'm financially and professionally stable. I'm emotionally mature. I have asked him for certain things-- more emotional openness, any future plans at all. I told him a year ago that, in one year, I wanted to be talking about having kids, either with him or by myself. A year went by and we're still in the same place. I said about three months ago that by the end of the year we needed to figure out next steps about a living situation, but no further conversation. I could give countless examples of me expressing a need and nothing really changing or coming up again. I told him on Friday that I loved him but I needed to think about whether I could continue like this. He said everything I wanted to hear-- that he would do better, that he loved me and wanted to meet my needs as my partner, that he doesn't want to give up. The hard part is that I love him so much, and he loves me. Our day-to-day is fun, but I look down the road and I see something that really scares me--a lifetime of being lonely, unfulfilled, and un-prioritized. Fun isn't really enough. I'm 37 and he's 38. Neither of us has been married. He has a non-traditional job that takes him traveling around places, and I don't think he's really changed his lifestyle much for anyone (I work remotely, so I'm able to travel with him although it's not very convenient or fun for me at times.). I'm not *unhappy* per se, I just want to be happier than I am. I want to feel excited about spending my life with someone, not nervous and uncomfortable. I guess my question is-- do I cut my losses and leave? Has he already proven he can't/won't be a fulfilling partner to me? Or do I trust him this time when he says he will try? I guess I should also mention I'm really scared of being alone again. Starting over at my age. I've been crying for 24 hours straight trying to figure this out. I don't know what's right. Please help.
Larryville Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 I guess my question is-- do I cut my losses and leave? Has he already proven he can't/won't be a fulfilling partner to me? Time is a terrible thing to waste. Choosing to waste time says more about you than him.
Author cat Posted November 28, 2016 Author Posted November 28, 2016 Please say more about this. Not following, but open to any insight. I don't necessarily consider my time with him a waste. It's been fun, and I have grown and loved. That's not a waste. But... what now?
Larryville Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 You said: "Has he already proven he can't/won't be a fulfilling partner to me?" I can't go on anything more than that. Why be with someone who WON'T be a good partner. Settling just isn't very smart. This site if full of people who describe situations where they are wasting their time with wrong people and I frankly don't get it. Unless you believe you don't deserve better, then that is a different story/issue.
Author cat Posted November 28, 2016 Author Posted November 28, 2016 No that actually does help, thank you. So what you're saying is that the writing is on the wall. My question was-- do I believe him when he says he wants to work and change? Your answer is NO. He's had to years to prove it. You marry a man for who he IS, not for who he says he will become.
Larryville Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 I don't necessarily consider my time with him a waste. It's been fun, and I have grown and loved. That's not a waste. But... what now? The question is why did you post what you did? When people post on here there is always more to the story.
Larryville Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 What do you want out of life, love a relationship? You have to ask yourself that question.
Author cat Posted November 28, 2016 Author Posted November 28, 2016 Why DO people post on here? I guess in some ways I'm looking for 1) permission to leave, 2) confirmation that I will survive the pain, 3) Understanding of why I might stay or go, 4) Hope it might get better? It's not BAD. I'm not *unhappy*. I'm just not quite as happy as I want to be for marriage.
Larryville Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 Why DO people post on here? I guess in some ways I'm looking for 1) permission to leave, 2) confirmation that I will survive the pain, 3) Understanding of why I might stay or go, 4) Hope it might get better? It's not BAD. I'm not *unhappy*. I'm just not quite as happy as I want to be for marriage Many people do that as well, nothing wrong with that, but if we the audience try to examine the situation we can only go by what you tell us. We don't know both sides.
Author cat Posted November 28, 2016 Author Posted November 28, 2016 I guess I can try to give his side, as we talk about this a lot. He is a free spirit, a nomad. Extremely kind in every single moment, but lives in the present ALL the time. So planning ahead is really difficult for him. He also is really fun, and funny, but hides emotional vulnerability through humor. I think he feels closer to me than he has to anyone, ever, and doesn't want our relationship to end, but I think it's also hard for him to feel like I don't accept him for the man that he really is-- which is totally fair. He has a great setup. He doesn't make all that much money (his career is pursuing his passion) but his girlfriend owns a house that he comes and goes to as he pleases. Also, she's attractive, kind, intelligent, and funny herself. And she doesn't require all that much. It's been great for him. Not as much for me. I honestly wish I knew more about what I could do better in our relationship. At least I'd know then that we were more open emotionally with one another. When I ask him he says there's really nothing.
justsaysure Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 It sounds like you've made up your own mind. I've been there and I'm glad I got out alive. They say if you love something, let it go... Some times things need to come apart so they can come back together... Either he'll take you seriously and prove himself or you upgrade to the real man 4.0...
Author cat Posted November 28, 2016 Author Posted November 28, 2016 Either he'll take you seriously and prove himself or you upgrade to the real man 4.0... How will he prove himself if we're not together? I also do feel like I've given him chances to prove himself.
Larryville Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 but hides emotional vulnerability through humor. When I ask him he says there's really nothing. Not being open and poor communication will always be the death or any relationship. 1
O'Malley Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 I don't think that your two years with him were a waste of time, but it sounds like you've come to the crossroads. He enjoys his life the way that it currently is - he doesn't sound excited, interested or invested making the significant changes that becoming a parent would entail. It sounds like he feels settled and content, but he's waffling and afraid of being honest with you because he knows it likely will mean the end of your relationship. You want someone who shares the same goals as you, who's just as excited about those goals as you are. Someone who has their stuff together in a similar fashion to you. It's not wrong for him to feel differently than you, but there's no reason to string you along with someday or for you to continue to settle for uncertainties. If you're ready to have children, then it's time to make the decisions that you feel are the best for your life, not the relationship.
Author cat Posted November 28, 2016 Author Posted November 28, 2016 He enjoys his life the way that it currently is - he doesn't sound excited' date=' interested or invested making the significant changes that becoming a parent would entail. [/quote'] So, when I say that, he says "Of COURSE I'll rise to the occasion when there are kids involved. Why would you think I wouldn't do that?" Which makes me feel insane, because there's pre-planning that goes into kids, especially financially. So, no. He'd parent in the moment, but not before. That is true. QUOTE=O'Malley;7141018] You want someone who shares the same goals as you, who's just as excited about those goals as you are. Someone who has their stuff together in a similar fashion to you. So this is my deal about the future plans part. I feel if he were excited about me and invested, I wouldn't have to beg him to make plans with me. He'd want to. He'd be thinking all about the fun things we could do together. He's always 100% willing for me to tag along with whatever he's doing, but not to be proactive.
Larryville Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 but there's no reason to string you along with someday or for you to continue to settle for uncertainties. I will only add if you feel uncertain or unfulfilled, move on don't string him along either. If you communicate how you feel and he does not comply walk away. I guess you can still be "friends" 1
justsaysure Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 How will he prove himself if we're not together? I also do feel like I've given him chances to prove himself. I dated a guy who was only out for himself.... manchild.... I knew we had a connection, but he wasn't ready to put a value in it. We broke up. Several months later, he came back after having a lot of time to himself because he realized how special I was because I saw something in him and in us.... and he had to fight to get me back. Long story short, we got married and he was perfect... still is perfect... the fact that we divorced because I could not forgive who he was is on me, because I could never forgive him for who he was before. He because somebody else's perfect man (and they can write me a check for that later) I say that, because I don't know your whole dynamic... the right person at the wrong time is still the wrong person. I wish I knew that, but who knows.... what happened to me is not your fate.
Sweetfish Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 Hmmm. I read your thread... I read it 3 times. I have a point of veiw It will be honest and brutal opinion. (Which ppl here in LS will not like) But can you answer a question honestly. You said you can connect emotional outside than inside. What does that mean? Because if it is what I think.. you may have to come to terms with something about your self and I will tell you what it is. Are you finding other men attractive or talking to other men currently?
Author cat Posted November 28, 2016 Author Posted November 28, 2016 I look at other men I know and wonder if they'd be better matches for me long-term. But that's not what I meant. I meant I sometimes have conversations with friends or even people I don't know well and a deep, introspective side of me comes out, and I think to myself "Wow, he and I don't talk liike this" or "I'd never think to tell him this," because that's our dynamic. We don't share deeply together. Some people don't think that's important inn a partner, but I am not sure I can live that way, which is why I ask him for more emotional connection. But I'm still interested in your insight. Because one thing I have thought of is maybe I"m sabotaging this intentionally because I"m afraid to commit. Or maybe there some other dark reason why I've committed to someone for two years who isn't a great match for me.
No_Go Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 My last relationship was similar to yours - over 1.5 years, we haven't progressed, I wanted kids... He - I'm not sure. In our case he wanted marriage - but I think more because of family / religious pressure than anything else I could be wrong... In any case, thinking back he basically set me up to have a huge fight with him one night, I broke up with him (he was messaging on a dating site), then thought I may get him back and forgive him, but he refused. Now we're separated but not quite, I'm wasting my time and pitying that I could have had married him and had kids next year... although when I think more objectively - we were not the right match for each other, too many differences... I don't know:/ Do you see yourself with him in 3 years? 10 years? 30 years? Are your lifestyles compatible? Are you attracted to him? If you think yes to all these - maybe have a few sessions couples therapy and talk through what each of you wants.
Larryville Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 over the last two years, I've never really felt super connected how I'd want a long-term life partnership to feel Conversations are not as deep as I would like them to be- I told him a year ago that, in one year, I wanted to be talking about having kids, either with him or by myself. A year went by and we're still in the same place Our day-to-day is fun, but I look down the road and I see something that really scares me--a lifetime of being lonely, unfulfilled, and un-prioritized Neither of us has been married. I want to feel excited about spending my life with someone, not nervous and uncomfortable I guess I should also mention I'm really scared of being alone again. Starting over at my age. I"m sabotaging this intentionally because I"m afraid to commit. Ok after you posted this based on what you initially posted now I'm confused. What do you want in a relationship or do you actually want one? Are you indeed eyeing another dude?
Author cat Posted November 28, 2016 Author Posted November 28, 2016 Ok after you posted this based on what you initially posted now I'm confused. What do you want in a relationship or do you actually want one? Are you indeed eyeing another dude? I said I WONDERED if I was intentionally sabotaging this because I'm afraid to commit. Not that I AM. I'm looking at all angles here. I'm really good at thinking I'M the problem. I want too much, ask too much, can't compromise enough. Can't "pretzel myself" into being happy. There is no other dude. Not in a real sense. But I have wondered if there are other men who would be better matches for me--men who are more my emotional and lifestyle equal. Where it would feel easier. But there is no other man that is contributing to these questions I have been having. Would it be more telling if there were? Like, then I should DEFINITELY get out?? And, I do want a partnership. At least, I feel consciously like i do, and I'm doing the best I know how to be a good partner without totally losing myself in the process. I am totally willing to go to counseling to work on any issues that I have that are causing problems. I have an appointment on 12/19.
Sweetfish Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 I said I WONDERED if I was intentionally sabotaging this because I'm afraid to commit. Not that I AM. I'm looking at all angles here. I'm really good at thinking I'M the problem. I want too much, ask too much, can't compromise enough. Can't "pretzel myself" into being happy. There is no other dude. Not in a real sense. But I have wondered if there are other men who would be better matches for me--men who are more my emotional and lifestyle equal. Where it would feel easier. But there is no other man that is contributing to these questions I have been having. Would it be more telling if there were? Like, then I should DEFINITELY get out?? And, I do want a partnership. At least, I feel consciously like i do, and I'm doing the best I know how to be a good partner without totally losing myself in the process. I am totally willing to go to counseling to work on any issues that I have that are causing problems. I have an appointment on 12/19. I'm conflicted because while your right about how you feel you are also wrong and need to come to terms with somethings. I think many women in this forum will agree with how you feel and will relate. Which is fine. But this relationship is 80% you and 20% him. You claim he isn't committed, but it's you from the start who couldn't fully commit to him. I will touch on what I see and think later tonight and you can confirm my view points solely on what you've told us.
Author cat Posted November 28, 2016 Author Posted November 28, 2016 But this relationship is 80% you and 20% him. What do you mean here? You claim he isn't committed, but it's you from the start who couldn't fully commit to him. And this-- I actually think is right. If I'm totally honest. I think I've wondered from the very beginning about whether this is a good match. Which SUCKS-- for him. He does not deserve that. I also think that's why I have stayed. I see a good person, and I see me choosing to wonder about whether it's right. It makes me wonder if 1) there's something wrong with me or 2) it's just not the right match. I've tried to talk myself into it, and gone periods where I am committed and happy. The last 6 months have been pretty good. But then I still find myself not moving forward toward what I want, and I get scared about losing myself and wonder if I should walk away. I really do want a relationship where I feel settled. So, does that mean a change in me or a change in my partner?
Sweetfish Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 What do you mean here? And this-- I actually think is right. If I'm totally honest. I think I've wondered from the very beginning about whether this is a good match. Which SUCKS-- for him. He does not deserve that. I also think that's why I have stayed. I see a good person, and I see me choosing to wonder about whether it's right. It makes me wonder if 1) there's something wrong with me or 2) it's just not the right match. I've tried to talk myself into it, and gone periods where I am committed and happy. The last 6 months have been pretty good. But then I still find myself not moving forward toward what I want, and I get scared about losing myself and wonder if I should walk away. I really do want a relationship where I feel settled. So, does that mean a change in me or a change in my partner? I believe you'd answered your own question. I believe both (1 and (2 are both your problems. I'm assuming you think it can either be one of two only and not both?
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