Should I run? If so how do I forget and move on?

[itsjustme84]

This is going to be a super long post, so I am sorry for that, and thanks anyone who takes the heart to read the whole thing. Please understand I am not intentionally or secretly seeking to be told that I have a chance here even though I do hope that I would have a chance with this guy. I came here even hoping to be told how stupid I am, that the guy is on a rebound mode, that I should run, that there is definitely no hope so I can open my eyes, shut down my heart with him and move on. However, to have your inputs to help me see things through, I need to try to provide as many details as possible.

 

I am sorry for any bad grammar/typos, I am in a mess right now and English is not my first language.

 

I am finding myself falling for an emotionally unavailable man, who a few months ago had a breakup with his ex of 7 year (she broke up with him) so it's obvious he is not over her. I never got involved with and would never see myself seeing a man who isn't completely available but here I am having my heart crushed.

 

I strongly believe that we were each other's crush when he was still with his ex, but we never acted on it. Our crush thing was going on for about a year. We work with each other, in different departments but shared projects so we work quite regularly with each other, however only met briefly each time there was work to discuss.

 

When they broke up, he reached out and we started talking more via our company's chat and quickly we exchanged phone numbers and it became everyday from morning to when either of us fell asleep, he initiated most of the time. I didn't think much from the start, and definitely no hope for anything more than friends. In all honesty, despite the crush I had, I was talking with him because I cared for him as I would for any friends if they were in the same situation. He was going through very tough time, not only the breakup but everything else was also going bad for him. And of course I also really enjoy talking with him. We rarely discussed his breakup, our conversations were just flowing over everything and anything. It felt like we clicked and 'get' each other. Please keep in mind again, I had no hope in the beginning, I had hardly known him anyway, but the more we talked, the more we got to know each other, our interest grew, our conversations changed to involve more-than-friends kind of topics, we were definitely showing interest.

 

The more positive bits:

 

He always wants to meet more (even now) saying he prefers to talk in person so we would make excuses to see each other at work, it's 90% his initiation. He always prioritizes spending time with me, even at his busiest time during the day, including canceling or delaying meetings even though he is a workaholic, and told me he'd prioritize me over everything. He would do that with enthusiasm, and said I make him happy. On a side note, he found excuses to talk to me before as well, but it's far less and very subtle due to him having a girlfriend at the time.

 

From time to time, he kept asking indirectly but quite obviously if I have a boyfriend or seeing anyone.

 

He suggested we go out quite a few times (sometimes with definite date, sometimes just suggesting in general), but I often turned down gently thinking he is not over his ex and I didn't feel right going out with him on a date. It's also because of something else, which is hard to explain but there was something missing in the way he planned things with me as if he was confused and inconsistent. I supposed it's because he isn't over his ex, and actually not ready to date even though he might think he was.

 

He was once drunk calling me to say it's the first time he is doing something silly for a girl (I can't tell more details) and he was miserable that I didn't go out with him. He apologized when he was sober.

 

He told me a few times he would not get back together with his ex if given the chance. He said that immediately without hesitation when I asked.

 

He indirectly said the relationship between them can't be fixed and he has accepted that.

 

The things that are confusing and eating at me:

 

We are both not the type who would play game at all, except for one thing: we would press that the other person admits feelings, but never let our own guard down and confess first. We admitted we are both very stubborn. So it's like deep inside, we know what the other feels, but never admitted it.

 

It's obvious he isn't over his ex. He never told me that directly but 7 years was a very long time, they should be like family, he only had her as close friend and they did almost everything together, so immense emotional attachment. Additionally, the breakup is raw and he would imply he is taking time to get over it. He wasn't ready or didn't want to tell me more details saying I shouldn't be burdened with his own issues, that I would be affected emotionally because he knows I care. This is not necessary a bad thing. I sincerely don't want to rush into anything with him. I actually want him to take time to heal and figure out for himself what he wants, to enjoy being single for some time until he is really ready to date, and I told him so.

 

Here is the worst part that is crushing my heart. Recently after no contact for a couple months, they started talking again regularly (he didn't know that I knew, but without revealing too much details, I am sure of this, and no I didn't check his phone or personal things). They even hung out in group once (or maybe more I wouldn't know). He didn't tell me, I found out through a mutual friend, but that's an event I was supposed to attend, just couldn't make it so I knew he didn't mean to hide it from me. He told me before being friendly or friends with exes is a mature thing to do. I could be ok with that, but this is way too soon, he isn't over her, and this makes me think he is actually hoping to get back with her, just doesn't want to admit it, to me, or to himself. He is basically in denial. Even after they talked again, he still told me he would not turn back, and would want to continue with what he is having right now, but it still speaks 'denial' to me.

 

We are not dating, so of course I am not in the position to confront him or to tell him what I do and do not appreciate. What I am seeing right now is that there is high chance he still loves his ex, or at least hoping to get back together with her, and what we have had isn't real, that I actually should wake up, forget about him and move on completely. I know with time I can get over this, but it's just so hard right now and I could really use some advice.

 

Thank you so much in advance.

[smackie9]

Ya back off and leave him alone. All you are is a rebound to soften his heartache.....stop hoping, it's not going to happen. Save your feelings for someone else.

[justsaysure]

If you like him, I would put him on your back burner... see other people, have fun, but no sex with this guy until he is ready for a new chapter and a clean start... See him every few weeks as a friend for lunch and go from there.

Maybe tell him, "I do like you a lot, but I'm not a rebound kind of girl" give yourself a value...

I'm in a similar crisis. It sucks, but my heart sees something in this one... it will probably explode in my face.

[itsjustme84]

Ya back off and leave him alone. All you are is a rebound to soften his heartache.....stop hoping, it's not going to happen. Save your feelings for someone else.

 

Thanks Smackie! This is exactly what I needed to hear. I gave much thoughts into this yesterday, and prepared a 'talk' with him on what I am ok with and what I am not, and I did. I know I cannot just leave him alone completely, I am that girl who cannot simply walk away from someone who is going through difficulties, be it him or anyone else. But I told myself there is obviously no hope, and told him I am not ok dating someone who is still not over his ex, and that he really needs to take time, which I guess will be a long time. Surprisingly, establishing that with him made me feel really relieved.

 

However, there is one thing I will need to also tell him, we didn't have enough time to talk much today so I will tell him when I can. I feel like he is unintentionally giving me mixed signals and that is leading me on. For example, today he told me he would like to take me out to nice places, take me to travel with him and that he will make me happy, he also said he would want me to be around forever. I don't know yet how to tell him I won't appreciate any mixed signals or flirting while he is still healing.

[itsjustme84]

If you like him, I would put him on your back burner... see other people, have fun, but no sex with this guy until he is ready for a new chapter and a clean start... See him every few weeks as a friend for lunch and go from there.

Maybe tell him, "I do like you a lot, but I'm not a rebound kind of girl" give yourself a value...

I'm in a similar crisis. It sucks, but my heart sees something in this one... it will probably explode in my face.

 

I am sorry to hear you are going through similar crisis as mine, it's tough. I feel you.

 

I kind of told him a similar line you suggested, just didn't admit I like him, I know for myself it's doing no good for me personally if I did that. I also established within myself that I am keeping no hope, even in the future. I simply put him in the friendzone. It did make me feel so much better, it was like I have accepted that we can be nothing more than friends. I hope I will keep feeling this way, even though I am prepared to have some ups and downs.