lonely1129 Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 (edited) Hello, Just recently, I had 2 break ups and I started to feel that I am doing something wrong. In the very beginning of october my long distance relationship girl left me for seeing love differently than me but wanted to remain friends, which I couldn't do so I removed her from my life completely. I was feeling totally down and started studying/working from library in order to occupy my mind but it was basically impossible, I was hanging out with friends and talked to everyone I practically could. While studying in the library I started hanging out with a girl that was totally into me around June 2014 when I wasn't interested. I gave short replies to her messages, I indicated that I show no interest in her. However, when we were partying together in July 2014 at mutual friend's birthday, we got drunk and she insisted on kissing me and later that night we were sleeping together. Next day was little awkward I think, maybe not so much since we smoked a cigarette together and then she left. Back to middle of october I started hanging out with her to occupy my mind from my ex. We started hanging out every now and then during smoke break while studying/working in the library and she kept giving me these nice compliments, how nice, genuine and friendly I am and she kept mentioning that people like to hang around me because I am funny and very joyful and I bring smile to people's faces. I never found her very pretty so I thought nothing will come from this, maybe an occasional sex but thats it. I started inviting her out to lunch and hanging out with her more and more, she never turned me down, I event went to her dormitory a few times and we chatted a lot. I started to really like her as she was coming off as a very well educated and sophisticated person, which I really like in a girl. But we kept contact to minimum as her exam was coming up on november 15th. Before november 15th, she I once slept at her place but we didnt have sex as we got stoned. While lying in bed I tried to pursue sex but she said she doesn't feel like it. So i slept next to her and seeing I have nothing to lose, I said that I prefer to take things slow with girls. She said that Im very rare as most guys would just force to have sex with girls. A few days later I invited her over to my place after watching movie together in cinema and I made her very horny, she told me she doesnt want to disappoint me as she expected sex but that she has period and that Im totally turning her on and then proceeded to have sex (without penetration). After sex she told me Im very paranoid when I smoke and we came to conclusion that while we get together, we dont smoke anymore. She seemed very open and honest and we could discuss everything. I really started falling in love for her. That night she told me that even if she fails exam on 15th of nevember, she will thank the professor as this exam brought us together and that after she is done with the exam, she is gonna come over to my place for a week and we are going to have wild sex for very long. We remained hanging out in the library and sometimes sleeping over at her place. Everything was good except that she didnt like to reply on my messages very often, however she always stuck to her plan. She also mentioned that she wants to take things slow and build trust because of her past relationship and that guys keep rejecting her and she build a wall to protect herself. After exam on 15th of november she flaked and didnt come over to my place. I was very sad and confused. However next day everything went fine, I told her why she cancelled plans to come over to my home to have sex but she said she wants us to take things slow, however she still replied to my messaged in her manner (waiting minutes or hours to reply). That week we saw eachother 2 or 3 times and had sex, I told her she is very pretty and she said she likes me a lot and likes to be around me a lot since im nicer than other guys. She kept giving me compliments how nice I am, how built I am etc. She told her friends about me and also her mom and was making lots of plans in advance for us, how she is going to come to my home town to sightsee stuff etc. Around 20th november she texted me that she sees that Im falling in love with her and that she doesnt want to lead me on and that she needs time. She told me she feels "strangled" in a relationship and having title "girlfriend" and isnt ready to commit. I told her okay I wanna take them slow as well and see how it goes. However I started to become very clingy, arranging plans and kept sleeping over at her place but it didnt seem to bother her, she agreed with everything and when I was at her place she kept cuddling with me and complimenting me. However, on the last day of sleeping over at her place everything seemed normal, we watched a documentary together, she asked me if i wanna smoke or drink some wine but I refused. When we got to bed i said i just wanna cuddle and maybe not have sex that night and she laughed and said thats not a statement she'd ever hear from a guy. The next day we went to faculty together as she is 1 grade lower than I am and arranged lunch together. We parted ways as she went to her classes and I went back to library. While I was at the library I sent her a short message: "heart, where will we eat today" And I got a reply: "I dont want to lead you on but I think I cant love you as much as you love me and what I am doing to you is very selfish of me" To that I replied with "Okay, too bad, however I would love to pursue a relationship with girl like you, wanna go grab a coffee togetehr and talk?" 1 hour later we met at the bar and talked things through. I told her I want a stable relationship or end things, however that I am willing to work on her previous fears of rejection as I find its worth working on her problems. We had a long talk but she insisted she cant drag me into this as I deserve someone stable and not ON and OFF person who switches mood all the time. I told her most relationship I see around me are mind games and I dont want to play that. We kept hugging and kissing until I brought up the fact about our sex 2 years ago and that I shut her down back then because I was chasing another girl (i forgot to mention that more than chasing I was going over the sadness of getting over that girl), after I told her this she moved a little away and got cold. She told me she has fear of being abandoned again as she was in love in 2015 with a guy who cheated on her and doesnt want to experience that pain again and that she became very independent person and that all her previous exes really abused her trust. And that the only thing she didnt tell me during our "meetings" is that she was still sometimes chatting with that ex even if it wont result in anything - however she keeps her phone unlocked but I never really checked it as I do think everyone of us has their secrets. I said I am willing to work on this fear if she gives me a chance but she said no. We chatted for another 10 minutes then we parted our ways, I asked for one last kiss but she refused no matter how hard I tried. That day I wrote to her that Im leaving for my home down and that she should let me know if she wants me to stop by for a cigarette but she replied "im not in the mood right now.. next week". Friday; I sent her a message: "This break up is harder than I thought, call me" Her: "dont be grumpy, its your birthday, happy birthday" On saturday I wrote her message "I was at the doctor and he told me everything is alright with my balls, buy some condoms as I am stopping by next week" Her: "good for you but no, I wont be having sex for a while now" Me: "Dont be silly, I didnt get checked for nothing" Her: "it was for your own good, im not gonna change my mind" Me: "I have bigger worries than you now, since my car was confiscated yesterday" Her: "really, why?" Me: "My license expired and I didnt see when police stopped me" Her: something i cant remember Me: " lets have fun together until we can or find someone better" Her: " oh you wanna have fun until you find someone else" Me: "True, I am willing to work on it if you give me chance but I cant go through all the **** again" Then I got no reply from her. She then messaged me on sunday around midnight saying Her: "where are you tomorrow so I give you back 10 euro for ticket that u gave me" Me: "Another time, just wait" Her: " thanks for removing me from facebook" Me: "at least I didnt block you" Her: "if it suits you" Me: "You can write nice things to me anytime you want but I wont listen to your nonsense" Her: "ok." And we didnt speak since. Ive had some experience with girls in my life but I came to conclusion that maybe I come off as too sensitive guy and that relationships are all about games. Usually I block and remove girl from my life once she breaks up with me but with this girls it seems different as I grew fond of her because of her intelligence and not so much because of the looks and I think its worth playing her game a little so I am seeking for your advice on what to do next. I genuinely like to spend time with her and I also think that she likes to spend time with me. All of my friends told me that I should let her go and that shes so undecided like a freaking teenager. But another friend who really understands people told me that I should try to pursue but act more cold as he thinks that I got too clingy and she got the power in this "relationship". Its the same with everything girl in my situation, so why not try doing things differently now? Thanks for all the help, I can write more if needed Edited November 28, 2016 by lonely1129
spiderowl Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 (edited) It sounds like she's interested in dating others and doesn't want to commit herself to you. It may be that you are being too clingy (without intending to be). I think maybe she's not worth the effort if she has already mentally moved on from you, but if you are determined to try and make it work with her, then: Stay out of contact for a while, let her come to you Respond nicely but appear busy a few times if she does contact you If the conversation ever gets round to the subject again, let her know you were interested in an exclusive and lasting relationship with her, but that you don't think she is consistent enough for that. Then leave it. The idea is to state what you need without pushing it and also showing her you are not going to be clingy or desperate. It is quite scary to feel someone is falling in love with you if you are not in the same place. She is more likely to get to that place if she feels respect for you. If you seem happy to do your own thing and not too concerned about whether she wants to be with you or not, then she may start to look at you in a new light. The above might seem like playing a game, but I don't see it like that. I see it as taking the pressure off her and letting her know you deserve respect too. Edited November 28, 2016 by spiderowl
Author lonely1129 Posted November 28, 2016 Author Posted November 28, 2016 (edited) Thanks! She messaged me tonight Her: Did you get your car back (i can be nice see) Me: I arranged trial so im getting it back within a week Her: Why do they take your car if you dont have a license Me: In cases where your license expires because of medical reasons, they take your car until trial ends, they are crazy. Good night now im still hungover from weekend Her: What medical reasons Her: Ok ill be quiet now. Good night Ill reply in the morning... Why do people work like that, i dont understand Why do I have to play someone that is not me Please help me out guys Edited November 28, 2016 by lonely1129
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