Apricotjelly90 Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 Hey guys, I recently got dumped because my boyfriend of 7 months wasn't feeling the "magic". I'm a bit confused as to what all that means. I've been very strongly infatuated in the past but that only lasts a couple of months and it's normally in unhealthy push pull relationships. The thing with this relationship was that we met online, clicked straight away and we were together ever since so there was no hunt. Do you think that's the reason? What does it take for you to feel the butterflies with another person? 1
Sunkissedpatio Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 The butterflies is anxious excitement (dopamine, endorphins) . It's is a physiological response to fear of loss, excitement of newness and physical attraction. That's it. Everyone loses it, and it disappears for everyone. But if you are in the right relationship that translate to a feeling of safety while the attraction persists. The thing about butterflies, attraction, infatuation and falling in love is that it is particular to each individual. Whatever his personal criteria is for falling in love, it sounds like he may have thought he was falling in love but actually realized it was more of an infatuation. 6-12 months is about the time where we start to see the people we are with warts and all. We've had disagreements by that point, we have learned about how they handle certain life situations and we've had enough discussions to get a glimpse of how we view life and approach things. So all those things can affect our attraction for the other person. There is also the idea that some people get really carried away building up their partner in their heads believing they are a certain way and then when they see it was just a fantasy reality hits and the "talk" happens. 1
Satu Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 Read up on 'Limerence' OP; that seems to be what you're talking about. Take care. 1
Sunkissedpatio Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 Even if there had been hunting and chasing the end result, or what you come to find out after the dust settles, is the same. So no, that doesn't make a difference. 1
neowulf Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 I often struggle with this one myself. A lot of people discourage the feeling of "limerance" and it's influence over the long term viability of a relationship. I tend to look at it this way; I love my parents. I love my pets. I love my girlfriend. These three loves are *not* the same. So what is it that separates those three? Sexual desire and attraction. If your boyfriend doesn't feel a unique sexual desire and attraction for you, then he isn't experiencing the "right" kind of love for it to lead to a long term relationship. That's all the "magic" means. He may care for you very much. But just caring for you doesn't make you his lover. 2
stillafool Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 Maybe he never felt butterflies with you and that concerned him so he broke it off. 1
thecrucible Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 He could be the type who likes the beginning stages if he has a lot of shorter relationships. Maybe he just got ahead of himself and lost touch with reality than realised his feelings weren't as strong as he wanted them to be. It isn't your fault.
Eternal Sunshine Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 I often struggle with this one myself. A lot of people discourage the feeling of "limerance" and it's influence over the long term viability of a relationship. I tend to look at it this way; I love my parents. I love my pets. I love my girlfriend. These three loves are *not* the same. So what is it that separates those three? Sexual desire and attraction. If your boyfriend doesn't feel a unique sexual desire and attraction for you, then he isn't experiencing the "right" kind of love for it to lead to a long term relationship. That's all the "magic" means. He may care for you very much. But just caring for you doesn't make you his lover. Exactly. Many people have a negative take on butterflies because they decided to settle. Reality is, butterflies and magic can be felt together with other important compatibility qualities. That's what love is and it's sad that butterflies are generally dismissed as unhealthy anxiety. 2
frus69 Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 Don't be naïve OP, while all that butterfly excuse sounds very reasonable, but most likely, he just met someone else
Leigh 87 Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 Exactly. Many people have a negative take on butterflies because they decided to settle. Reality is, butterflies and magic can be felt together with other important compatibility qualities. That's what love is and it's sad that butterflies are generally dismissed as unhealthy anxiety. People just like to tell themselves that butterflies and infatuation are not necessary, and offer up advice such as "life isn't a fairytale " or " infatuation and butterflies is a sure sign that they are bad for you":sick: The truth is, true passion makes you feel alive and MOST PEOPLE would prefer to fall crazy in love with a highly compatible life partner. Then there are the unhealthy anxiety driven butterflies. They are real lol. For sure. I felt them several times. But there are also true butterflies in absence of anxiously awaiting "does he/she like me as much as I like them" crap. I have felt true butterflies twice. It is really special to actually feel infatuated and fall head over heels for someone who you know it equally into you as you are into them. 1
Sunkissedpatio Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 Sexual desire and attraction is not butterflies. Sexual desire, passion and attraction is what is left after the butterflies are long gone. Butterflies are not sustainable because they are a physiological reaction to the newness of the situation. Saying I have to leave this relationship because the butterflies are gone is like saying I cant date you again because the anxiety I felt before our first date isn't there anymore because I now know what to expect when I meet you for a date. It's ridiculous to think that's going to last forever. It's like comparing the first time kiss vs kissing them 2 years later, or first time making love, touching etc. It isn't going to be as electric and charged because the newness factor is gone. If you are still in love with the person then it's still going to feel really great, and the desire is there, but it won't have the electric charge it did as the first time. If you leave someone because the electricity isn't there after a year you are chasing unicorns. Good luck to you. That's what chasing butterflies is. Believing in this notion isn't that you "settled" or "aren't experiencing it," it's being mature enough to understand each feeling for what it is. 1
neowulf Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 Believing in this notion isn't that you "settled" or "aren't experiencing it," it's being mature enough to understand each feeling for what it is. It's the difference between being in love and loving someone. As I said, I love my parents, but that's a very different love to that I feel for a romantic partner. I think people know when they're in love and know when they're not. If you don't feel "in love" with your partner, then is it really being fair to stay with them? What if they feel "in love" and you don't? 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 To me, anxiety isn't butterflies at all Anxiety = sick feeling at the pit of your stomach, trying to guess if someone is into you. Thinking of that person is overshadowed by the feeling of impending doom. Butterflies = that electricity you feel as soon as your partner looks at you or touches you. The excitment and pure joy you feel when you think of them. 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 As for the OP, butterflies are gone within 7 months only if they were never there in the first place. 2
Sunkissedpatio Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 Believe me I know what butterflies are and every time I have fallen in love I have felt them. I look into his eyes or I have daily flashbacks at wok of us making love and I feel like that feeling you feel when you are on a roller coaster or a ferris wheel. The point is it isn't sustainable. Loving a parent or a dog is non-sexual love, romantic love is sexual. Whatever your interpretation of "butterflies" is it isn't sustainable. They go away always. So if you are going to bail every time that fades you will be chasing unicorns. I think in the OPs case the passion, desire and excitement to be with this person disappeared. That is likely a more accurate description of what is missing. Not "the magic" the magic (or chemical reaction) fades and then there is a deeper more stable love. But that magic can still be recreated over and over again when that deeper love is established. You never forget how you fell in love with that person. 2
Leigh 87 Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 Believe me I know what butterflies are and every time I have fallen in love I have felt them. I look into his eyes or I have daily flashbacks at wok of us making love and I feel like that feeling you feel when you are on a roller coaster or a ferris wheel. The point is it isn't sustainable. Loving a parent or a dog is non-sexual love, romantic love is sexual. Whatever your interpretation of "butterflies" is it isn't sustainable. They go away always. So if you are going to bail every time that fades you will be chasing unicorns. I think in the OPs case the passion, desire and excitement to be with this person disappeared. That is likely a more accurate description of what is missing. Not "the magic" the magic (or chemical reaction) fades and then there is a deeper more stable love. But that magic can still be recreated over and over again when that deeper love is established. You never forget how you fell in love with that person. But this guy may no have felt the butterflies to begin with (with the OP), and he may feel like something is missing if he has felt the butterflies with prior partners. 1
Sunkissedpatio Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 Sure that's definitely possible. The fact he said the magic is gone though would lead one to think that at some point he did feel that rush of excitement but now feels only a flat "meh" sort of feeling and it could be it simply wasn't love or that he doesn't know what to do with the shift. I mean we don't know much about the OP's situation but generally speaking when people break up out of the blue like in the OP's case and everything is seemingly copacetic it means that something in that relationship isn't fulfilling them.
NuevoYorko Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 But this guy may no have felt the butterflies to begin with (with the OP), and he may feel like something is missing if he has felt the butterflies with prior partners. Maybe he doesn't give a s*&@ about butterflies and simply didn't have a strong enough attachment to the OP to hang around. Painful. I'm sorry, OP. I do advise you to take some posts about how "MOST PEOPLE" need eternal butterflies with some large grains of salt. 1
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