ciara12step Posted July 14, 2005 Posted July 14, 2005 Hi everyone, i'm a 32 year old male, My gf now ex gf (22), her and i have had a great relationship with very little arguing. Prior to her i was a confident single for 6 years. We met last year at this time and she was in a bad 'new' 2 week relationship, the guy just basically stopped calling her. I was always there for her, and she started falling for me. Me thinkin that she was on the rebound said, lets take our time. After a few weeks she wanted to be boyfriend/girlfriend, but i told her to still take our time. At that time her self esteem was pretty low, she wasn't working, she's had a bad history of relationships (abuse from her last 2 ex's), and i was like her shining light. She fell deeply in love, and after 2 months i agreed to be bf/gf. throughout the next 9 months was very smooth, not 1 problem whatsoever, no arguing, none of us are jealous types, so we can both basically go out and do whatever we want with full trust in eachother. She said i was her breathing light to living and she was so happy. in our 10th month, she came to me to tell me something has drastically changed that involved both of us. She had a doctor appointment and found out she had HPV. It's an std that can be contracted from any sexual relations within the last 3 years. With treatment tho, which she took, it dissapeared in no time, but the virus still stays with you forever. I got checked and couldnt find anything. After this she refuses to learn about hpv and her attitude towards affection took a deep dark turn. the next 2 months her affections lessoned and she became more distant. Intimacy was very important to our relationship also. Her self esteem and attitude just started deteriorating, and her affection got colder and colder. I always would ask her, and she said, im okay .. but obviously her actions showed different .. so here we are at the 1 year point, and i ask her if we need to break up because shes acting different. she says no that she still loves me and wants to try to work it out .. She continues being distant tho, and 3 weeks later, i ask again . But this time she gives me the surprise of my life, and says yea i think we do need to break up . After this i am so shocked and saddened, i didnt know what to think, we got into an argument and said some really mean things, but in all she would still always talk it out . But now she wants to be friends and be single. She said she has personal issues to deal with (her mom passed away 2 years ago, her grandma passed away 6 months ago, and been abused from her last 2 relationships). Her self esteem is back to real low again and says she just needs space. She said i didnt do anything wrong at all in the relationship and that its just her. The first 7 days of our break up , she was out clubbing, getting really drunk, 6 out of the next 7 days. Like thats her outlet to let it all go. We did hang out for a day in between, but she was pretty cold (colder then ever). I asked her if she had kissed anyone, and she said yea, but it was a meaningless really drunk kiss with someone she didnt even know.. But still of course that hurt me . So here we are 2 1/2 weeks after the break up, i hardly call her at all, maybe once every 3-4 days, but its so hard for me not to hear for her longer then that. I know the best thing is to just stay away, but sometimes i dont want her to also lose herself and just let herself go. I want her to know that im here to support her. My dream is that 1 day she decides she wants me back. But right now shes just not the same person and im so lost on this. But i know most of u will say move on and dont look back . any feedback is great .. thank u
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 14, 2005 Posted July 14, 2005 If you want to keep calling her, then nothing is stopping you. It is good you want to be there for her, but understand that she may not be back. If you are persistent, one day she might realize what it is she had with you - but that will happen only when she has exhausted every other possibility first. If you want to wait that out, you can - but I wouldn't suggest putting your life on hold for it. Set aside a part of yourself for her, but move on otherwise - eventually you will want to consider dating other people. You want to look out for her, and that's understandable, but you have to look out for yourself, too.
Author ciara12step Posted July 14, 2005 Author Posted July 14, 2005 Thank u for taking the time to reading this thread . Yes you are right, i have to move on. Im just trying to not call and i always end up doing that like on the 3rd or 4th day .. If she would ever want me back im sure she'll let me know . but for now, she needs to get things out of her system, at least she knows im there for her
phoenix333 Posted July 15, 2005 Posted July 15, 2005 The next time you want to call her, come here instead, or call someone else, or something. By continuously calling her, you are holding on, not moving on, which I'm sure you already know.
Author ciara12step Posted July 15, 2005 Author Posted July 15, 2005 Thank U phoenix, youre right this is the perfect place .. we've been broken up for 2 1/2 weeks now . . it just makes u wonder why someone doesnt care to call anymore ..
Author ciara12step Posted July 16, 2005 Author Posted July 16, 2005 well today is day 3 of NC , yesterday she tried calling me but for the first time i didnt pick up , i dont know if thats right or not, but the fact is i've always been available, and didnt wanna be so 'available' this time . . i text'd her later about a sports score, one line sentence, and that was it . she didnt respond . . i was thinkin maybe she's bothered that i didnt pick up the phone earlier, am i doing the right thing ?
phoenix333 Posted July 16, 2005 Posted July 16, 2005 am i doing the right thing ? are you doing what is right for you? that depends...what do you ultimately want? do you really want to let go or not? if you want to hold on, and that's your choice, then hold on. if you want to let go, and that's another choice, then let go. only you know what is best for you at this time
phoenix333 Posted July 16, 2005 Posted July 16, 2005 last night and early this morning I spent a lot of time searching myself, looking within, and asking myself, is she really the one for me at this time in my life? is this how the one would treat me? is this really what I want? can this woman give me what I want and need at this time? (no, she cannot)...so why am I holding on? why I am hoping? are we even compatible? I came to the realization that this is not what I want at all...that the way she disappeared from my life was not respectful, and I didn't deserve to be treated that way. Her behavior towards me just is not what constitutes a loving relationship, or even a loving friendship. take the time to really probe deep into this...and ask yourself these very tough questions I love her, I won't deny that, but love isn't enough...and I deserve an equal partner...and holding on in any way to the wrong one for me at this time will only set me back our choices have to be based on more than whether or not we love a person...life just isn't that easy, there are complexities that need to be acknowledged and addressed it seems to me that you and your xgf are not on the same page...and do you really want to wait it out?
Author ciara12step Posted July 16, 2005 Author Posted July 16, 2005 Phoenix youre totally right .. i did the same thing as u , where i just analyzed and thought about the goods and the bads .. the bottom line is that they left us . . . and for them to do that kind of thing, it does make u think, that were alot better then that . . . my situation is a lil different being what has happened with her mental state, but right now, without much contact im obviously not the one she wants to turn to .. she just keeps saying she wants to be by herself, she hasnt been single much at all in her life, and i think shes doin some soul searchin . . but im basically tryin to move on day by day, stayin busy etc, right now i wouldnt wanna be with her for the fact that she is not herself, if she did change and get back to the person i was with before, then yea . . . but i know how ya feel bro , its like , u pass by all those places that u 2 had great memories and stuff . . we just have to stay busy and when we feel like contactin them , we'll just post here, lol
Author ciara12step Posted July 20, 2005 Author Posted July 20, 2005 Need some advice please ! well its been 3 1/2 weeks now, i am using no contact alot, although she caught me on IM a few days ago, but i tried to play it cool, she asked how was i , etc . . i slipped and made a compliment on that she has beautiful eyes. I feel like that made me vulnerable and that she would have control over me anytime. But it was a brief convo, and thats the only contact we've had in a couple weeks. A friend of mine had talked to her, and she had said she misses being in a relationship but she needs to try and stay single to help herself in the future. She also said that i was a sweet person, and different then other ex's, and that she knows that i wanna get back with her but she kinda likes being on her own. she still has very low self esteem issues big time, and when i've hung out with her in the last 3 months of our relationship, she has always been very quiet and depressed. She still is going out 5 nights a week at least clubbing and getting drunk like no other. She told my friend that all she wants to do is stay busy as much as possible . My question is , is she running away from her problems and trying to just drink it away ? im concerned, any advice would be great. Im still continuing NC because my hope is, that she does change on her own, and learning on her own, and maybe she might miss me just a lil. Right now i know it wouldnt be good to be together because she has to work on herself, but what do u think the chances are for future reconciliation? There is no bad vibes between us at all .
sundrop Posted July 20, 2005 Posted July 20, 2005 It really sounds like this is bothering you BAD.... I think she knows that you will be there for her, as shown in the past, but you have to draw the line in being there for her and letting her walk over you. Take it from me, a nurturer, you CAN NOT SAVE THE WORLD, don't try to save her. I know you care for her and there is nothing wrong with letting her know that, and that you will be there for her, but don't let her walk all over you. I tried to save my ex husband and only brought my self down, because people who don't see their faults or want to help themselves will end up sucking the life out of you. You have to let this go. She has to want to help herself first. DOn't get me wrong, she does think about you and she probably knows you were the best thing she had, but she has to deal with her issues herself. Live your life for you. Love yourself first, so you will be worthy of the love you want. She can't give that to you right now.
Author ciara12step Posted July 20, 2005 Author Posted July 20, 2005 thank u sundrop for taking the time to read all this .. youre so right it is bothering me bad .. i guess im one of those people who always wanna help, and cant stand to see people suffer .. it makes me wonder why she hasnt called hardly at all .. well she did once actually and i didnt pick up . maybe she sensed that and is deciding not to deal with it. Its just weird spending the last year with her on a day in day out basis, and then all of the sudden .. bam she's gone .. No ones ever made me feel the way she has, and i've been through tons of relationships. I hope one day she finds herself, and i do talk to lots of other people, but i keep finding myself thinking of her, and i cant help it. I just dont know what happened to the person she used to be .
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