SarahAngel Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 Backstory: We dated in total 4 years. At the 2nd year mark, I broke up with her because the relationship was toxic due to my gender depression. Shortly after we broke up, I started transitioning from male to female (she knew all of these gender issues I had). 6 months later (and me solid into my transition) we reconnected and pretty much started doing all the things that we were doing as a couple, just happier and completely no fights at all. We just never called it a relationship. We called it "friends-with-romantic-benefits". The next year & half we traveled several times, slept almost every day together. We pretty much were in love. At one point she had to move back to her home state to finish off some studies so it became LDR. And I guess she started seeing it more as a friendship. She told me she got a new boyfriend and I was devastated. I thought we were back in a relationship. She even kept saying I love you to me after she had a new boyfriend. I started NC to get over her since she is no longer my partner and I was lead on by her words and actions. What happened I've been doing NC for 35 days. She sent me a "I really miss you" breadcrumb at the 2-week mark. But pretty much zero contact beside that. I knew she was going to fly to my state for thanksgiving but I did not expect her to show up with flowers. I was on my morning run and I received a phone call from here which I ignored. My phone accidently auto-replied "Can I call you later?. She kept asking me by text where I was, that she wanted to surprise me. I was very confused about it. On my walk back home I responded: "I'm sorry, that was my iPhone auto responding. I'm not ready to talk to you. To which she replied almost instantaneously: "I love you, will you ever forgive me?". I was planning to just ignore that last text. When I got home, I noticed that there was a bouquet of flowers at my door. She must have been at my front door with flowers in her hand, but luckily I was not home. What does this even mean? This seems more than a breadcrumb ugh. We can't be together because she is not gay, she is not attracted to women! I decided to respond "The flowers were really inappropriate when you are in a relationship and I try to get over you". She replied "I wanted to talk to you about it." and I finally replied: "Unless you want to get back together with me, there is nothing I want to talk about". That was all 2 days ago and she hasn't texted me anything else anymore. I feel like I'm back at day zero. I have the urge to ask her what she wanted to talk about. Keep wishing I was home when she was at my door so I could kiss her. I still am deeply in love with her, but my brain knows that our relationship would have a very small chance to work out in the long-run. Breakups are hard. Breakings where nobody did anything wrong and a gender transition stands in the way is harder! I feel like this will never end
ExpatInItaly Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 Block her on your phone. Then she will have no way to make waves in your life. Her lack of a response indicates that she in fact didn't want to discuss reconciliation. 4
lauri Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 Sorry you're going through this. I went through some of this type of behaviour before and hopefully I can shed some light on it for you. She's doing this because she does not want to be hated by you. She feels guilty that she hurt you and she's having a hard time coping with that. The flowers don't mean nothing and even her actions of reach out to you don't mean much either. She's using manipulation tactics to relieve herself of this guilt she is feeling even though it's at the expense of your own feelings. If you want her to go away, tel her you forgive her and see how fast she turns into a ghost once she feels she has you right where she wants you. EVEN if she is talking to you with some romantic intentions it shouldn't really matter. I think (as hard as this will be to do) you need to start thinking about who is really the prize here. Why would you even entertain having her back in your life? You're her plan B (maybe C or D) if she comes back and you'll always have an uphill battle to even make it work. She left you for another man before and she will do it again if she feels she can do better. I know it's hard - but youve done good holding off and protecting yourself with NC so far. All you can do is keep protecting yourself and avoiding any further contact with her. Good luck. 1
Author SarahAngel Posted November 27, 2016 Author Posted November 27, 2016 Thanks lauri! That makes total sense. I also think she still doesn't see me as a woman yet. And she is just feeling guilty for that too and tries to win me back as a friend. I'm not ready yet for that.
lauri Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 Thanks lauri! That makes total sense. I also think she still doesn't see me as a woman yet. And she is just feeling guilty for that too and tries to win me back as a friend. I'm not ready yet for that. Yeah, that could be the case. But are you willing to be someone's friend at the expense of your own feelings? Especially when they're with someone else? It's not fair. I think it's very selfish of a dumper to do this. Focus on yourself for now. Do some things that you enjoy to do and try to keep your mind busy. Eventually, when you heal more, you'll realize these small things you missed that aren't as clear to you now. You sound like you're not spinning out of control (which most people would in your situation) and you should be proud of yourself for that!
turnera Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 What does it mean? It means she got dumped and she figured you were an easy backup to make her feel better.
Author SarahAngel Posted November 27, 2016 Author Posted November 27, 2016 Yeah, that could be the case. But are you willing to be someone's friend at the expense of your own feelings? My plan is to forget about her so I lose all romantic interest so we can reconnect as friends if the opportunity surfaces. She always supported my transition and I can see us being friends. But definitely not in the next 6 months.
Hoosfoos Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 I agree, she is trying to alleviate her guilt by performing these "good deeds". And OP, you have handled things PERFECTLY in words and actions.
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