Angela3332 Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 There's this guy I met 2 months ago. The first night we met, he was very forward, asking me for my number (which I didn't have, just moved to a new country and hadn't got a phone yet). Then he repeatedly told me get his number from my friend (who knew him and had his number) because I told him I didn't have anything to write his number down (at a bar). He said I should go out with him on Tuesday (the day he'd come back from his trip). Of course, almost a week went by, he didn't reach out. Sure, he didn't have my number, but he could have asked my friend. And yes, the friend was the problem. I didn't ask her for his number because I knew she liked him (although she has a boyfriend). I then looked him up and found his work email, emailed him and gave him my number. That same day he texted me. Right away, he arranged to meet up with me at a specific place and time. Then of course I told my friend about it. She then told me what a sleazy guy he was, that he has a girlfriend for 5 years and was still trying to get together with my friend, and that he was using me to get her jealous. I didn't believe her 100% but she went psycho on me. I canceled on him (something regret) and explained him how my friend reacted. He didn't deny having an interest in her, but firmly rejected that he was using me and also explained he and my friend never had anything going on. We ended it nicely without seeing each other. A month later I couldn't help myself but reached out to him again. I told him I'd like to talk if he was comfortable with it. Arranging the meeting was a bit of a hassle as he was busy but he followed through and met up with me for breakfast. We talked about what happened with my friend. I was a bit relieved as it seemed that he was genuinely interested in me and not trying to use me. He then suggested that we see each other again and asked about my weekend plans and said he'd text me to see if we could do something together. Right after we left the cafe, he texted me with a little joke we shared during the breakfast. And then that's it, he didn't text me during the weekend. A few days later, I initiated a text. We chatted and then somehow I joked about his pix from college and said we could have had a drinking competition in college. He then asked "do you still offer that now?" When I said yes, he said "looks like we need to arrange that." And then we went back and forth about what we will get if we win, etc. The conversation ended without a specific time/date and location. Two days later, I initiated another text asking if he still wanted to, he sounded enthusiastic and said we'll play a game on Sunday. Again, going back and forth, flirting here and there, but no time and location set. Finally, on Saturday we had a time set but still couldn't confirm the location. That night we were texting while he was out drinking and I could tell he wasn't well. Of course on Sunday he got sick from all the drinking and couldn't make it to our date. Here's my problem, he said he was sick (which he really was, I could tell from the conversation on Saturday night) and that he'd like to reschedule. But again no date suggested. So I took it to mean that he didn't want to see me. I told him that he should have said so and I'm ok with it. He then insisted that "I do want to see you. I'd like to hang out and get to know you properly." I then told him that I wanted to get to know him and now it's up to him how that's going to happen. No response. It's quite clear to me that he's not all that into me, given that I initiated all the conversations, although he was the one suggested doing something together. But the question is, why did he insist that he wanted to see me when he didn't really seem so? Do men just do that to keep women around? I will not reach out to him again. The ball is in his court, but I'm just curious why he's doing this. Also, if it helps, this is the first time in my life that a man I'm talking to isn't interested in going on dates with me. Usually, things fall apart with me much later. Honestly, this is very new to me.
elaine567 Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 Then of course I told my friend about it. She then told me what a sleazy guy he was, that he has a girlfriend for 5 years and was still trying to get together with my friend, and that he was using me to get her jealous. I think your friend may be completely right. YOU chased and chased and chased and took his word against that of your friend and for what? Where did it get you? Nowhere. You should have listened to your friend. 2
ElizabethIII Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 Why are you bothering? he isnt interested in seeing you. he spent his Saturday out getting drunk and was too sick for your date on Sundany and cancelled without giving another date? Why wasnt he out with you on Saturday? Because he didnt want to be with you. Give it up. 1
Author Angela3332 Posted November 27, 2016 Author Posted November 27, 2016 I think your friend may be completely right. YOU chased and chased and chased and took his word against that of your friend and for what? Where did it get you? Nowhere. You should have listened to your friend. I did listen to her and that's why canceled on him the first time. The reason I questioned her later was because about a week later she told me to ignore her boyfriend because he was trying to use me to get her jealous (same accusation as with the other guy). And I knew for a fact that her boyfriend was not hitting on me or anything. So after she made up this story about her boyfriend, it got me wonder if she made up the story about the other guy too. And yes, I did check, he didn't have a girlfriend as she claimed. He's not interested in me, sure. But that has nothing to do with what my friend said. And why question isn't about whether he's interested or not (I've concluded that he's not). I'm just curious why he insisted that he wanted to see and get to know me. That's the question, as I'd like to understand why guys do that.
elaine567 Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 He's not interested in me, sure. But that has nothing to do with what my friend said. And why question isn't about whether he's interested or not (I've concluded that he's not). I'm just curious why he insisted that he wanted to see and get to know me. That's the question, as I'd like to understand why guys do that. Plan B? ................. 1
Author Angela3332 Posted November 27, 2016 Author Posted November 27, 2016 Why are you bothering? he spent his Saturday out getting drunk and was too sick for your date on Sundany and cancelled without giving another date? Why wasnt he out with you on Saturday? Because he didnt want to be with you. Give it up. Because I told him I couldn't go out on Saturday as I had a report to finish. So yes, I think that gave him the freedom to go out with his friends instead of sitting home. I was upset that he didn't give another date and explicitly said that I won't contact him again. There's no need to repeat what I wrote. I only asked why men do this, why he insisted that he wanted to see me when it seemed that he didn't. I was curious and I asked. And my question is not whether he's interested in me (I clearly stated that I've already assumed by now that he's not).
ElizabethIII Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 Men do this to keep you as a side piece, on the back burner, back up f*ck, etc. It doesnt mean they like you. 3
thecrucible Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 Men do this to keep you as a side piece, on the back burner, back up f*ck, etc. It doesnt mean they like you. Yes OP, it will hurt to walk away but it will be worth it. If he liked you enough, he'd be trying to do something more to impress you. I'd trust your friend's opinion. She's obviously heard something from someone else or she knows from experience. 1
winny Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 OP - This sounds like too much drama. Please stay away. 1
Author Angela3332 Posted November 28, 2016 Author Posted November 28, 2016 Men do this to keep you as a side piece, on the back burner, back up f*ck, etc. It doesnt mean they like you. Actually, this is what puzzling me because I thought he knew that this would only be a fling. I'm not staying in the city for long. We both know that. The only thing I'm looking for is a respectful fling. And from my understanding, he isn't looking for anything long term either since he too is here for a work assignment (not permanently). And we are in a small city where you can't really date locals. So the options are very limited, which is why I doubt he has anyone here. Also, given our small circle, having a girlfriend isn't something he could hide. On our first date, he picked a cafe where he's a regular and knew would run into people, which we did. I know he doesn't like me, at least not enough to do anything about it. But it's still puzzling to me why he would even bother to begin with.
ExpatInItaly Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 This is an easy one. He wants you there when it's convenient for him. It hasn't been convenient for him so far, so he hasn't seen you. He doesn't shut you down completely because he knows you're interested and wants to keep the door open for a time when he can slot you in between his drinking sessions and hangovers. If you're looking for a fling, forget this guy. He's not interested enough. And his idea of a date is a drinking competition? Pass. 2
Author Angela3332 Posted November 28, 2016 Author Posted November 28, 2016 Yes OP, it will hurt to walk away but it will be worth it. If he liked you enough, he'd be trying to do something more to impress you. I'd trust your friend's opinion. She's obviously heard something from someone else or she knows from experience. There's a long story with my friend. Before I met him, my friend had told me about him, how he was cute and nice. I told her to stop fancying him since she has boyfriend (this was before I met him). She later admitted to me that she lied to her boyfriend about dating this guy to get her boyfriend jealous (also before I met him). So the night I met him, she talked as if she was introducing me to him (as in a potential setup). She told him (in front of me) that I liked British guys (he's British) and joked that "we should find her a British guy." After all of these, I really thought that was a green light until later in the night when she said to me that this guy wasn't in a good mood because she didn't like him while he appeared to be in a normal mood to me. She also claimed that his female friend who was there that night told her that he was interested in her. This was all very strange, because that female friend told me that I should go out with him (this was after he suggested that I go out with him on Tuesday). My friend also claimed that he made out with his female friend that night. Both my friend's boyfriend (was also there) and I didn't see. After I told her the first time that I was going for a drink with him, she said that she had gone for a drink with him too. I asked him and he said it was true but that it wasn't a date because 1) she has a boyfriend whom he knows and 2) there was another mutual friend who also joined them. I checked with the mutual friend, and he confirmed he was there. So you can see how it's hard for me to take her opinion seriously.
ExpatInItaly Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 I get why you don't take your friend seriously, but it's also clear from this guy's actions that he doesn't take you seriously either. He is demonstrating that your friend isn't entirely wrong about his character. 1
stillafool Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 I did listen to her and that's why canceled on him the first time. The reason I questioned her later was because about a week later she told me to ignore her boyfriend because he was trying to use me to get her jealous (same accusation as with the other guy). And I knew for a fact that her boyfriend was not hitting on me or anything. So after she made up this story about her boyfriend, it got me wonder if she made up the story about the other guy too. And yes, I did check, he didn't have a girlfriend as she claimed. He's not interested in me, sure. But that has nothing to do with what my friend said. And why question isn't about whether he's interested or not (I've concluded that he's not). I'm just curious why he insisted that he wanted to see and get to know me. That's the question, as I'd like to understand why guys do that. He was just blowing smoke because you continue to reach out to him he thought he would throw you a crumb. Nothing more. Why did you reach out to him so many times when he was never getting back to you?
ElizabethIII Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 Actually, this is what puzzling me because I thought he knew that this would only be a fling. I'm not staying in the city for long. We both know that. The only thing I'm looking for is a respectful fling. And from my understanding, he isn't looking for anything long term either since he too is here for a work assignment (not permanently). And we are in a small city where you can't really date locals. So the options are very limited, which is why I doubt he has anyone here. Also, given our small circle, having a girlfriend isn't something he could hide. On our first date, he picked a cafe where he's a regular and knew would run into people, which we did. I know he doesn't like me, at least not enough to do anything about it. But it's still puzzling to me why he would even bother to begin with. I dont get it either. I had a guy recently where he told me he didnt want a serious relationship. I believed him and accepted that and I wasnt that bothered about him either and decided I was ok with casual dates / fling or whatever. He did the same your guy did. Speaks of making dates and then asks last minute. If he wants a fling with me he can at least be respectful about it. I guess as we are just flings to them, they arent going to allocate any real time to us. I havent bothered to my guys last text. He isnt worth a fling if he cant be respectful. 1
preraph Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 His ideal situation is probably a girl to have sex with on the side. Guys I've known who acted like him, couldn't quite close the deal, it was either drug or alcohol dependency or already is in a relationship or both.
Author Angela3332 Posted November 29, 2016 Author Posted November 29, 2016 He was just blowing smoke because you continue to reach out to him he thought he would throw you a crumb. Nothing more. Why did you reach out to him so many times when he was never getting back to you? He always replied to my messages in a timely manner. Also each time we planned to meet up, he was the one who asked. I never asked him out. I did initiate the conversations, but never asked him to go out with me.
Author Angela3332 Posted November 29, 2016 Author Posted November 29, 2016 I dont get it either. I had a guy recently where he told me he didnt want a serious relationship. I believed him and accepted that and I wasnt that bothered about him either and decided I was ok with casual dates / fling or whatever. He did the same your guy did. Speaks of making dates and then asks last minute. If he wants a fling with me he can at least be respectful about it. I guess as we are just flings to them, they arent going to allocate any real time to us. I havent bothered to my guys last text. He isnt worth a fling if he cant be respectful. Yes, that's the thing. I mean, sure this is just a fling, but we should still be respectful to each other like you would to your friends. In the end, I did tell him that it would be ok for him to let me know and I wouldn't bother him. Yet he kept insisting that he wanted to see me. I think at this point it's just his freaking mind game.
Author Angela3332 Posted November 29, 2016 Author Posted November 29, 2016 His ideal situation is probably a girl to have sex with on the side. Guys I've known who acted like him, couldn't quite close the deal, it was either drug or alcohol dependency or already is in a relationship or both. I'm sure something is up with him. But drugs and alcohol can't be it. He has a job that wouldn't allow such things. Sure, he drinks a lot like most Brits do, but not to a point of dependency. Girlfriend may be the only possible thing I could think of although I did check with other friends and no one knows of any possible girlfriend. The only person who claimed he has a girlfriend is my friend, who has only met him three times. And she claimed it's a girlfriend of 5 years, which is an almost possible timeframe for him given his job history when he was posted in Iraq. Also, if he was so sleazy to a point where he'd cheat on his girlfriend (who, if exists, must be living in another country), then what stopped him from fooling me into having sex with him. Not that I want to be fooled, but I really don't get it. I know he must be up to something, I just don't know what. And in case anyone wonders why it bothers me so much, I find myself strangely attracted to him like I never was with anyone before. Like, I have a date coming up with another guy who's way better looking, nicer and cooler (anyone would see that), and yet I can't stop thinking of this British jerk. Something is wrong with me maybe. Lol
ElizabethIII Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 I'm British : enough of the nasty comments! A jerk is a jerk no matter their nationality. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 I don't think he has a girlfriend, but I assume he has other girls on his roster that he sees. You're likely one of a few, OP. It isn't complicated. He's a young guy looking for some fun, but he doesn't feel a big attraction to you so he's not that bothered to actually see you. If the timing works out, he'll do it. But he's not about to go out of his way to make it happen. I would forget about him. He's too much work for essentially zero reward. 3
Author Angela3332 Posted November 29, 2016 Author Posted November 29, 2016 I'm British : enough of the nasty comments! A jerk is a jerk no matter their nationality. Not sure if I made any nasty comments about the Brits. I called him a British jerk because he is a jerk and British. The adjective describes the noun, not the other way around. If I call him a handsome jerk or metrosexual jerk, that's not a nasty comment about handsome people or metrosexual people. And I brought up the fact that he's British because one the comments suggests that he may have alcohol problem. I was trying to clarify that he drinks a lot just like most Brits do, but not to a point of dependency. If anything, I was saying that most Brits don't have alcohol dependency issues. That's not a nasty comment.
Miss Peach Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 If his words and actions aren't matching up then believe his actions. Let him go. 1
Author Angela3332 Posted November 30, 2016 Author Posted November 30, 2016 So he just sent a couple of texts: "Let me say this again, I do want to see you. When I said I'd like to get to know you properly, I meant spending proper time with you when I'm not throwing up all over you. I don't know who's been feeding you all these stories to make you think I'm a player. As you seem to suggest yourself, I don't even know how to ask you out properly. What makes you think I do so well with other women? Wouldn't they all be upset with me and refuse to talk to me like you? But if you don't think they would, wouldn't that mean you're overreacting? I know I'm not helping my case here, so I'm going to shut up now. Whenever you're ready to talk again, I'm here." And the a few hours later: "Or just tell me what to do." A part of me says ignore; another part is tempted to reply.
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