6 dates, sex, and now silence

November 28, 2016

A lot of women see sex as this oath that binds the two of them to be together for life. Hint: it's not.

Sex is just that. Sex. It doesn't mean he has any obligation to keep dating you or chase you even harder and what not.

Regardless, when you take out the feelings from sex especially the first couple of times, you will drastically reduce any potential for disappointments.

It's true he has no obligation. But she still has the right to feel sad about it.

I also find it incredibly ironic that this is coming from you when you in another topic you told me (for sleeping with a guy and losing interest in him afterwards):

"Just remember how you'd feel if you went out with a guy, he had sex with you and then told you he doesn't want to see you anymore."

But I guess you will always side with the guy no matter what the circumstances are. Because womenz amirite? BRUH BRUH! *Punches chest*

November 28, 2016

A lot of women see sex as this oath that binds the two of them to be together for life. Hint: it's not.

Sex is just that. Sex. It doesn't mean he has any obligation to keep dating you or chase you even harder and what not.

Regardless, when you take out the feelings from sex especially the first couple of times, you will drastically reduce any potential for disappointments.

You know, I don't disagree with you completely. I do think it's wise for women to not expect a relationship in exchange for sex, and to try and remove some of the emotions from it. Easier said than done, of course.

Having said that, I do think in this case, and cases like it, that men don't need to lay on the cutesie relationship schtick so thick. If you're a man and you're looking for sex, then don't treat a woman like your girlfriend. Don't give her a nickname, don't put her shoes on for her, don't text everyday and call her a princess. Jesus, what do you expect will happen?

I think women are actually very good at regulating their expectations, but when a man seems to want to take things in an emotional direction, the tendency is to want to relax into that and follow.

This guy would've been much better off keeping some emotional distance from the get-go, plus signaling his intentions. It's 2016—casual sex is an accepted phenomenon. There's no need to pull the boyfriend charade if you have no intention of being a boyfriend. Even if he was interested in that initially, there's still no need to take it so far so soon.

Edited November 28, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
response to edited post ~T

November 28, 2016

I don't think this guy mislead OP just to get sex.

I think all he did and said was genuine and for some reason having sex with her made him turned around. It could be he realized he is not ready to be in a relationship or it's something about her he didn't like.

Instead of speaking up he's making a slow exit. Typical nowadays in dating.

Sh$t happens that is all, it doesn't have to be someone's fault all the time.

November 28, 2016

No it's not an investment but it's still long enough to have a big disappointment. Those 6 dates were probably over the course of 1 month. That is enough to appreciate someone, to get in a routine of hearing from them each day, looking forward to seeing them , and enough to think maybe this time it will work, etc.

oh I agree... I think the OP is fine with her reaction and her wanting to go date others.

November 28, 2016

I don't think this guy mislead OP just to get sex.

I think all he did and said was genuine and for some reason having sex with her made him turned around. It could be he realized he is not ready to be in a relationship or it's something about her he didn't like.

Instead of speaking up he's making a slow exit. Typical nowadays in dating.

Sh$t happens that is all, it doesn't have to be someone's fault all the time.

I don't think he's been nefarious, either. I just think it's something for a guy like that to be cognizant of—women are told all the time to check their emotions, but in this case, I'd tell that guy the exact same thing. Like, reign it in a bit until you're sure you like HER, and not just that new person thrill. 'Cause A) your feelings might change after sex, and B) it is confusing to the woman.

November 28, 2016

I don't think he's been nefarious, either. I just think it's something for a guy like that to be cognizant of—women are told all the time to check their emotions, but in this case, I'd tell that guy the exact same thing. Like, reign it in a bit until you're sure you like HER, and not just that new person thrill. 'Cause A) your feelings might change after sex, and B) it is confusing to the woman.

You think men are capable of going through that thought process? I find them to be more visceral than us and for them as long as it feels good 'no questions asked'.

I have never come across a man feeling guilty for accidentally misleading a woman. Have you?

November 28, 2016

You know, I don't disagree with you completely. I do think it's wise for women to not expect a relationship in exchange for sex, and to try and remove some of the emotions from it. Easier said than done, of course.

Having said that, I do think in this case, and cases like it, that men don't need to lay on the cutesie relationship schtick so thick. If you're a man and you're looking for sex, then don't treat a woman like your girlfriend. Don't give her a nickname, don't put her shoes on for her, don't text everyday and call her a princess. Jesus, what do you expect will happen?

I think women are actually very good at regulating their expectations, but when a man seems to want to take things in an emotional direction, the tendency is to want to relax into that and follow.

This guy would've been much better off keeping some emotional distance from the get-go, plus signaling his intentions. It's 2016—casual sex is an accepted phenomenon. There's no need to pull the boyfriend charade if you have no intention of being a boyfriend. Even if he was interested in that initially, there's still no need to take it so far so soon.

Furthermore, I disagree with your assertion that it has to somehow be the woman's fault if a guy doesn't stick around after sex. She smells bad; she's ugly; she's messy. Oh please. The man could also just be a creatin.

No doubt. There are many cases where the man sucked at sex, the woman wasn't attracted to his naked body, he smelled down there, she preferred shaved but he had a forest down there, her ex came back etc.

After sex, the woman will likely also do something like slow fade out just break up with him point blank.

I wasn't trying to say only women smell down there or are ugly. I was just talking in respect to this specific post.

Yes, it can be hard for a woman not to get attracted when a man courts her but it is really important to rein one's expectations.

There is something called Outcome Independence. If you don't know what it is, look it up. Basically, always remove your expectations and be satisfied regardless of what happens.

For example, guy disappears after first time having sex? Cool. Well, at least I got some nice dinners and some sex.

Guy doesn't disappear after sex? Cool. Someone to date and have sex with.

When one masters outcome independence especially in regards to dating, they will rarely be disappointed.

November 28, 2016

For example, guy disappears after first time having sex? Cool. Well, at least I got some nice dinners and some sex.

Then why are you questioning my decision to meet someone else after lamenting for one and a half day's over this guy's weird behavior?

November 28, 2016

It's true he has no obligation. But she still has the right to feel sad about it.

I also find it incredibly ironic that this is coming from you when you in another topic you told me (for sleeping with a guy and losing interest in him afterwards):

"Just remember how you'd feel if you went out with a guy, he had sex with you and then told you he doesn't want to see you anymore."

But I guess you will always side with the guy no matter what the circumstances are. Because womenz amirite? BRUH BRUH! *Punches chest*

Lol at punches chest.

She does have a right to feel sad about it. It hurts when you have certain expectations and it doesn't quite pan out that way.

What I was getting at is when one removes these expectations of something happening after or before sex, it removes the potential for disappointment.

I don't know who it is but there's a poster here, I think it's Gaeta who tells people to always see sex especially for the first time as nothing but a one night stand. It's a good way to protect your feelings and temper any potential disappointments.

Regarding your post, I would tell the guy you ghosted on the exact same thing I told this OP. I would tell him to be more outcome independent.

November 28, 2016

You think men are capable of going through that thought process? I find them to be more visceral than us and for them as long as it feels good 'no questions asked'.

I have never come across a man feeling guilty for accidentally misleading a woman. Have you?

I have not either. Great point. It's always the woman who misunderstood...

Everything should always be casual till the guy decides that he wants to be serious... he can say anything and do anything... but the woman should take everything casual...okay then fine... I will go and date 10 men... LOL... it's all casual right... ha ha ha

I am actually in a much better mood today guys... thanks for being there with me thru all this. I really appreciate all your comments and inputs and I felt I have someone to listen... *Big Hugs* to all...

November 28, 2016

Winny: You know the best advice I got once. Well for me it has been the best advice for my professional life and my personal life. The person told me to think more like a man. Yep! and that is how I survived 3,5 years online dating and 200 dates till I found current bf.

November 28, 2016

I don't know who it is but there's a poster here, I think it's Gaeta who tells people to always see sex especially for the first time as nothing but a one night stand.

Those are the words of a very experienced, intuitive and intelligent woman on here named Redhead.

I advice with that same logic. Women should have sex because they want to have sex and view it as an experience shared, not some price to give in exchange for love.

When a woman gets into bed she should ask herself: He won't be there tomorrow do I still want to do this.

November 28, 2016

Then why are you questioning my decision to meet someone else after lamenting for one and a half day's over this guy's weird behavior?

I think people are questioning your decision because

a. You sounded totally smitten - unable to eat, etc - to most people that means you are really into the guy, and if so you would not want to or be able to see someone else so quickly.

b. You know he was sick, but can't even give him the benefit of the doubt for 36 hours?

As I said, you may well be right in that he's not that into you. I guess we will find out in a few days. But personally I would have given it a week at least (not of pining, just doing other stuff, not dating definitely) if I liked someone.

November 28, 2016

I think people are questioning your decision because
a. You sounded totally smitten - unable to eat, etc - to most people that means you are really into the guy, and if so you would not want to or be able to see someone else so quickly.
b. You know he was sick, but can't even give him the benefit of the doubt for 36 hours?

As I said, you may well be right in that he's not that into you. I guess we will find out in a few days. But personally I would have given it a week at least (not of pining, just doing other stuff, not dating definitely) if I liked someone.

And how does waiting a week make you a better person than waiting 2 days? Someone may say you should have waited a month to each his own. Why is it so difficult for men to accept that a woman can move on fast after sex... don't they do it all the time? Behave totally smitten before sex n then gone after it's done?? And why is it soooo difficult to accept that I want to keep dating other men when the one who I liked acts weird.

I am sorry but I am not wasting more than 2 days on any guy who starts acting weird. That's my new rule. Life is too short to give 1 week to each guy who ghosts you... can you imagine how much of wasted time it is... someone here had 200 dates before she got a BF...

November 28, 2016

Anyways... I am going to take a break and come back in 2 days if I have any new updates to share on this particular matter

I hope I have something good news but who knows...

Work, studies, exams, guys ---- the gal needs some me time real bad... LOL

November 28, 2016

I have never come across a man feeling guilty for accidentally misleading a woman. Have you?

To be fair, I haven't met a woman who felt guilty for accidentally misleading a man. Heck, I know a few who don't feel guilty for intentionally misleading men.

November 28, 2016

And how does waiting a week make you a better person than waiting 2 days? Someone may say you should have waited a month to each his own.

I don't think it's about being a better person. It's about a risk/benefit choice. Personally, if I'm really into a woman and we've already had sex (thus confirming sexual interest), I'd give her some time to recover in this situation. I wouldn't want to risk burning the bridge with her just to build up some more options a few days earlier. That's just me though.

I'm not judging you for multi-dating though. I once left a woman's bed and decided she wasn't the one for me on the drive home. I proceeded to go on date with another woman that evening and we ended up in her bed. The difference in my scenario is that I had already decided the first woman wasn't relationship material.

November 28, 2016

You think men are capable of going through that thought process? I find them to be more visceral than us and for them as long as it feels good 'no questions asked'.

I have never come across a man feeling guilty for accidentally misleading a woman. Have you?

I think they are capable, many just choose not to. Boys will be boys, after all. I've met a few men who had the self control to say, "actually, this isn't fair to you, let's not continue" before things got too steamy. To them, I give my respect.

Generally speaking, and in my experience, I'd say women do have to do more of mental and emotional gymnastics, at least up front. That's partially biological, but also societally imposed. I mean, you see that dynamic reflected in this very thread. OP is getting guff for appearing needy, when this guy could just have easily texted her to say, "hey I'm sick, I'll get back to you in a few days," or "I'm no longer interested, sorry." No, she's the one expected to accommodate, to calm down, to manage her emotions. That's eff-ed up, and I say that as part of the chorus who was telling her those things. The woman gets to sit and ruminate and wonder, all because why? The man's too cowardly to be truthful? He doesn't want to come off like the bad guy? She's completely gone from his mind? Who knows.

Which is not to say that women don't also do this, they do. Awfulness is a gender-neutral trait, unfortunately. However, it also seems like the more invested party is always left holding the bag.

November 28, 2016

I have never come across a man feeling guilty for accidentally misleading a woman. Have you?

I had a man apologize for leading me on. I doubt there was any sincerity to it though!

November 28, 2016

At the risk of being a broken record (because I've said this on these boards lots of times) . . .

The first time a woman sleeps with a man, whether it's the 1st, 3rd, 6th date, she should assume it will be a one-night stand until he shows her otherwise . . . she does it, she enjoys it, she owns it as right to choose and she waits it out. If he calls you again soon, great. If he doesn't, you accept that and move on. He owes you nothing by virtue of the fact he was intimate with you because you chose to have sex with him. Own it, don't blame or shift responsibility. It's a two-way street. Lots of women bail on men after sex as well.

For now, what you know is that the guy is sick. Everything else you're "thinking" is conjecture and projecting. Let him tend to his needs. A cold/flu is usually 3 days coming and 3 days leaving. So, he could call after about 5 or 6 days. If he used it as an excuse, so be it. It is what it is.

November 29, 2016

And how does waiting a week make you a better person than waiting 2 days? Someone may say you should have waited a month to each his own. Why is it so difficult for men to accept that a woman can move on fast after sex... don't they do it all the time? Behave totally smitten before sex n then gone after it's done?? And why is it soooo difficult to accept that I want to keep dating other men when the one who I liked acts weird.
I am sorry but I am not wasting more than 2 days on any guy who starts acting weird. That's my new rule. Life is too short to give 1 week to each guy who ghosts you... can you imagine how much of wasted time it is... someone here had 200 dates before she got a BF...

Never meant to suggest anything about being a better person. Simply explaining that if I was interested in someone, I would not give up so quickly.

Unless you have held stuff back, I don't see his behaviour as that weird at all, as he is sick.

If you really are not into this guy, then that's completely different. No need to wait, go multi date.

I'm just going by what you said first...you were crying, unable to eat. If I was in a state like that, I'd probably have to stay away from dating for a long time. This is why I find it hard to understand.

November 29, 2016

Never meant to suggest anything about being a better person. Simply explaining that if I was interested in someone, I would not give up so quickly.
Unless you have held stuff back, I don't see his behaviour as that weird at all, as he is sick.

If you really are not into this guy, then that's completely different. No need to wait, go multi date.

I'm just going by what you said first...you were crying, unable to eat. If I was in a state like that, I'd probably have to stay away from dating for a long time. This is why I find it hard to understand.

I totally understand OP. I do the same. The best way to get over something is to get back to dating ASAP. OP didn't sleep or make out with the new guy, she just had lunch. Big deal.

November 29, 2016

I totally understand OP. I do the same. The best way to get over something is to get back to dating ASAP. OP didn't sleep or make out with the new guy, she just had lunch. Big deal.

Well I disagree strongly that the best way to get over someone is to immediately date. That's a recipe for never learning anything.

It's also unfair on the person you date.

Also, in this case there isn't anything to get over yet, the guy is sick.

It everyone is so impatient to move on to the next shiny thing it's no wonder the whole dating scene is such a mess. 36 hours now is considered an eternity.

The whole thing is a total knee jerk reaction.

November 29, 2016

And how does waiting a week make you a better person than waiting 2 days? Someone may say you should have waited a month to each his own. Why is it so difficult for men to accept that a woman can move on fast after sex... don't they do it all the time? Behave totally smitten before sex n then gone after it's done?? And why is it soooo difficult to accept that I want to keep dating other men when the one who I liked acts weird.
I am sorry but I am not wasting more than 2 days on any guy who starts acting weird. That's my new rule. Life is too short to give 1 week to each guy who ghosts you... can you imagine how much of wasted time it is... someone here had 200 dates before she got a BF...

It is not about you moving on fast after sex... there is nothing wrong with anyone moving on after sex if that was your primary goal... the problem here is that your reaction was (I quote)

Met a guy on an online dating site... dorky, a bit clumsy, cute looking, funny, playful and super into me from date 1. He would wear my favorite color, ask me a lot of questions about myself, my work, my friends, family, tell me about his, ask me out on dates, pay, keep in touch every day thru texts... call me his princess and behave very gentlemanly.... once even put my shoes on my feet for me... gave me a cute nickname as well.

We had 6 dates in total. 2 (4th and 6th) of which he spent at my apartment. The first time (4th date) he was at my place, we had dinner that I cooked and then kissed and made out all night and then all morning... didn't sleep....too much passion and frankly I had never stayed awake kissing someone all night before this. We didn't have sex that night... but I knew it will happen soon and I felt it is right time to do it before getting into a relationship I should know this aspect as well.

I am not feeling bad about the sex cause I wanted to do it but I am disappointed because I felt such a connection with him.... it was like being with a close friend always teasing n being playful a

Like a person who is beginning to develop feeling for someone who has been genuinely nice to you and who you like more than just for friends. Then that person gets sick and acts out of character and you take 1.5 days to date another guy... if you don't see the red flag there... I can try to explain it to you but I can't understand it for you...

Edited November 29, 2016 by fenix

November 29, 2016

Well I disagree strongly that the best way to get over someone is to immediately date. That's a recipe for never learning anything.
It's also unfair on the person you date.

Also, in this case there isn't anything to get over yet, the guy is sick.

It everyone is so impatient to move on to the next shiny thing it's no wonder the whole dating scene is such a mess. 36 hours now is considered an eternity.

The whole thing is a total knee jerk reaction.

I'm returning after some time away. Has it been confirmed that he is/was sick? Has he sent her a text or some other message since this 'illness?'

@OP. Why don't you offer to bring him some soup? You'll see how he responds to that. Again, if he has a cold, no way he is SO incapacitated that he cannot communicate in turn.

Again, his timing ought not be ignored. This kind of behavior happens far too often to ignore the possibility.

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6 dates, sex, and now silence

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