6 dates, sex, and now silence

[winny]

Missed this, though my position does not change.

 

OP, did he show signs? Or did he tell you that he has been feeling sick since the 5th date? Also, since you two kissed and exchanged saliva, etc. did you feel sick at all? Probable, but if he was sick, he was infectious and you'd be sick too. Did he look sick to you? If his throat was feeling that bad, it was likely more than a cold. So, more contagious. Are you okay?

 

He was already sick on date five, apparently.

 

Yes when we met for movie on the 5th date he said he has a cold and maybe we shouldn't kiss because I will catch the cold... but we kissed nevertheless. Then when he came to my place on the 6th date he was blowing his nose and gargled salt water and was breathing heavy all night and saying he is feeling cold so he had extra blanket - still with that throat he had ice cream with me that evening after sex... which might be the reason of it aggravating.

 

One thing that I remember now is that he also said on the 5th date, he has some blood infection but I didn't know if he was kidding or was serious coz he always jokes... I took it as a joke...

 

And he had been telling me few days before our 5th date that he is taking naps in his car between classes and he is severely sleep deprived due to lot of studies and I was surprised that in spite of being sick and sleep deprived he came out for movie and then took me for a walk... so I was like.. please go home n sleep... thats when he also said his Dad wants to invite me for Thanksgiving... he was soooo affectionate...

 

And no I am not sick... I dont get colds that easy...

[Gr8fuln2020]

You have a good reason, in that he may still be sick.

 

Also, I understand that attitude, but you're going to need to find a way to work past that if you want to eventually have a good relationship. If you're going to put a worst case scenario spin on everything he does, it's gonna get old, fast. I'm not saying your fears/suspicions over this aren't warranted, but that's a pretty crap mindset to go through life with.

 

@winny. Not every guy will be jack-wagons. Some people need to learn how to communicate properly and authentically. People always say that you should trust your gut, intuition. If something is off, don't dismiss it, but don't over-think it. Some of us, or most of us, have been through some really crappy 'crap.' But we've also experienced some really nice people. Keep positive as much as you can, but be objective. You are asking total strangers about something you are experiencing in real-time and in person, take our words for what it's worth.

[winny]

Except he went for a 4-mile run right after turning down OP for more sex/making out/cuddling.

 

OP, how was the sex? Any chance that is the issue?

 

I don't think so.... we have been making out a lot in the dates prior to that... there was a lot of passion and sexual tension already... but obviously it was first time with a new partner so I was tensed and he asked me to just relax when he initiated the intercourse. There was lot of foreplay first and he came some 7-8 mins after entering me. Still I was wondering whether he liked it. But he started to tease me --- oh why are you so breathless and so I started to laugh and then he was like... you wanna go n get that ice cream now... and I said yes sure... and he was so affectionate when we went out and back home... he was just holding me n not letting me go for a sec.... I just felt totally at ease that he was happy with the sex... didn't worry at all because he was being fun, flirtatious and his normal self...

[winny]

@winny. Not every guy will be jack-wagons. Some people need to learn how to communicate properly and authentically. People always say that you should trust your gut, intuition. If something is off, don't dismiss it, but don't over-think it. Some of us, or most of us, have been through some really crappy 'crap.' But we've also experienced some really nice people. Keep positive as much as you can, but be objective. You are asking total strangers about something you are experiencing in real-time and in person, take our words for what it's worth.

 

Thanks...

[winny]

He once made this comment when we were flirting over text -

 

"Okay sweet caramel, don't melt away before I take a lick."

 

Thoughts?

[Grapesofwrath]

Winny: I have been in this boat myself and it's no fun. Ultimately, there is nothing you can do but wait for the story to tell itself. Either he will reach out to you again and you can move forward from there, or he has checked out.

There is nothing you can do right now to alter the outcome, so just try to relax and let it unfold.

 

We all have different levels/frequency of contact that feel normal to us. Some of us love to be in touch all day, every day. Other people prefer less frequent contact. Too early to tell with him what he likes, so just watch his actions and you will have your answer.

[stillafool]

Guys, I am in a new city and I have no girlfriends here. One of the reasons I joined the dating site was also to make new friends and I have made it clear on my profile. So I do meet other people as friends too. I don't see anything wrong with that.... and yes I do get 10 messages everyday from different guys on the site asking me out or just for a chat. I have been ignoring all of that since I was focusing on this guy. But I am not going to lose out on an opportunity to meet a new person. Until and unless someone has actually asked me to be their GF I can meet more people. Yes I like this guy the best till now... enough to have that level of physical intimacy.. but what is a girl to think if you go all quiet a day after having sex? I spent one whole day yesterday in my room on my bed waiting for a text... sometimes crying... didn't have anything to eat... no mood to cook or go out...not a soul to talk to... till this new male friend asked me to take me out for lunch and I said yes. I just returned home after lunch. And it was just that. No flirting kissing or anything else. I am not a machine to turn my feelings on and off, but I want to take care of myself and help myself move on too.

 

Btw, I responded to his first text saying - "Glad to hear". An hour or so later he responded - "How are you". Please tell me what to respond...

 

If you want to meet girls as friends a dating site is not the place to do it.

Also, are you in love with this guy? Are you two officially in a relationship and had that talk? It seems a bit over top at this point to go all day without food and cry over this. The guy sounded genuinely sick. Obviously I'm the hard ass here because everyone else on this thread agrees with you but for me this is just too much too soon.

[Gaeta]

He once made this comment when we were flirting over text -

 

"Okay sweet caramel, don't melt away before I take a lick."

 

Thoughts?

 

What did you say previously to his comment? He was warning you you were too much into him.

[JoeSmith357-1]

How? I only responded to his texts which he initiated on Friday and asked him how his throat was. I didnt text him at all yesterday and this morning dropped a text to check how he is feeling. Guess I want some more light on how not to look clingy if this is clingy..... help... and should I respond to this text now or not?

 

You are flipping out because he didn't respond to your texts in what you deem to be a reasonable amount of time.

 

That to me seems clingy/needy.

[Gaeta]

You are flipping out because he didn't respond to your texts in what you deem to be a reasonable amount of time.

 

That to me seems clingy/needy.

 

It's not cligniness. She just cares. She invested time in him and she wishes this relationship to take off the ground. She is concerned. Cligniness is texting 100 times.

[VeveCakes]

and here again is a woman being deemed "clingy" because communication has changed.

 

That is the factor here - he normally responds quicker but he is fading.

 

OP keep your distance and give him time to get better. In the mean time you are right to be out dating others. My therapist actually recommended multi dating to those who get anxious easily from things like say - delayed texts etc.

 

You were not exclusive and there is no reason to not still meet others.

 

If your sick guys wants to see you he knows where to find you.

[fenix]

Edited to moderate myself before I get moderated...

 

I guess if you have a replacement date after 2 days when the guy has been sick and is not answering you at the pace your want then I understand why guys ghost on you...

Edited November 28, 2016 by fenix

[dreamingoftigers]

and here again is a woman being deemed "clingy" because communication has changed.

 

That is the factor here - he normally responds quicker but he is fading.

 

OP keep your distance and give him time to get better. In the mean time you are right to be out dating others. My therapist actually recommended multi dating to those who get anxious easily from things like say - delayed texts etc.

 

You were not exclusive and there is no reason to not still meet others.

 

If your sick guys wants to see you he knows where to find you.

 

I don't think six dates is enough to declare "normal."

 

And I don't think one day is enough to start questioning.

 

Maybe I'm old school.

[VeveCakes]

Edited to moderate myself before I get moderated...

 

I guess if you have a replacement date after 2 days when the guy has been sick and is not answering you at the pace your want then I understand why guys ghost on you...

 

It's not a replacement if you are dating more than one person.

 

They had 6 dates, they weren't even exclusive.

 

It's different if you are in a relationship.

 

Your comment is just mean. No one deserves to be ghosted.

[VeveCakes]

I don't think six dates is enough to declare "normal."

 

And I don't think one day is enough to start questioning.

 

Maybe I'm old school.

 

yeah I agree one day is nothing, but sometimes it is coupled with that 'gut' feeling.

[fenix]

It's not a replacement if you are dating more than one person.

 

They had 6 dates, they weren't even exclusive.

 

It's different if you are in a relationship.

 

Your comment is just mean. No one deserves to be ghosted.

 

I didn't say she deserves to be ghosted... I say that I understand why she is being ghosted...

 

She only took the decision to date another guy when this one wasn't answering to the pace she wanted...so no... it is not that she is just dating other guys... she is dating another guy just because she thinks this one is not answering her texts fast enough... If I am sick and I get this crap... she would not hear from me....ever again...

[VeveCakes]

Fair enough!

[losangelena]

If you want to meet girls as friends a dating site is not the place to do it.

Also, are you in love with this guy? Are you two officially in a relationship and had that talk? It seems a bit over top at this point to go all day without food and cry over this. The guy sounded genuinely sick. Obviously I'm the hard ass here because everyone else on this thread agrees with you but for me this is just too much too soon.

 

Yes. Something about all this doesn't add up to me.

 

Waiting around all day for a text and not eating sounds like it was a very serious thing, whereas this willingness to nab another date so quickly suggests a patent lack of seriousness.

 

But based on OP's own self-described mindset, though, I wonder if her bad feelings have less to do with the potential loss of this particular guy, and more to do with the fact that they reinforce her beliefs that her worst fears always come true. I don't want to psychoanalyze too much, but that's what it seems like to me.

 

For the record, I agree that it all sounds like a bit too much too soon. He certainly laid it on thick and fast (nicknames; wearing the color she like for chrissakes).

[winny]

yeah I agree one day is nothing, but sometimes it is coupled with that 'gut' feeling.

 

I know one day and delayed texting is okay.... Once again guys its the timing... Just after we had sex first time n he avoided making out in the morning... And then suddenly silence and change in texting patterns...

 

And I am not sorry for seeing other guys... I will see as many guys as I want to till someone has proved them good enough. I had stopped seeing guys when this guy seemed worthy. Now until he comes back n proves that he was actually sick and not ignoring me coz we had sex.... I am not apending more than 2 days lamenting.

[winny]

I didn't say she deserves to be ghosted... I say that I understand why she is being ghosted...

 

She only took the decision to date another guy when this one wasn't answering to the pace she wanted...so no... it is not that she is just dating other guys... she is dating another guy just because she thinks this one is not answering her texts fast enough... If I am sick and I get this crap... she would not hear from me....ever again...

 

Wrong.

 

I didnt want that pace. He set that pace over the last weeks... I only learnt to expect that pace from him.

I didnt take a decision to date another guy.... I had lunch with someone coz I needed some company n some fresh air n food. And I am so glad I did that coz it made me feel better driving n going out.

He has no control at this point of time on who I meet till he has asked me to be exclusive or his GF. Yes I met someone else... whats the guarantee he isnt?

[NuevoYorko]

In the mean time you are right to be out dating others. My therapist actually recommended multi dating to those who get anxious easily from things like say - delayed texts etc.

 

You were not exclusive and there is no reason to not still meet others.

I don't disagree, in theory - but what your therapist surely means is to multi-date consistently until one chooses to invest in an individual. This would be a safeguard against that anxiety.

 

NOT to deeply invest, and then react to a change in communication and possible fade by immediately going on a date with somebody.

 

I agree with others on this thread that this doesn't bode well - I'm sorry, OP, and I hope it's just because he's sick but I would still have reservations. A sick person doesn't get a free pass to leave someone hanging like this.

[VeveCakes]

I don't disagree, in theory - but what your therapist surely means is to multi-date consistently until one chooses to invest in an individual. This would be a safeguard against that anxiety.

 

NOT to deeply invest, and then react to a change in communication and possible fade by immediately going on a date with somebody.

 

 

Absolutely and that is how I carry on with this. OP only had 6 dates, its hardly an investment.

[stillafool]

He has no control at this point of time on who I meet till he has asked me to be exclusive or his GF. Yes I met someone else... whats the guarantee he isnt?

 

I would say the same to you that you have no control either at this point of time as to expect him to keep daily communication (especially when he is sick) as you are not his gf. Good you met someone else and it very well could be that he has too and that's why he isn't around.

[Gaeta]

OP only had 6 dates, its hardly an investment.

 

No it's not an investment but it's still long enough to have a big disappointment. Those 6 dates were probably over the course of 1 month. That is enough to appreciate someone, to get in a routine of hearing from them each day, looking forward to seeing them , and enough to think maybe this time it will work, etc.

[MarkIVSteel]

A lot of women see sex as this oath that binds the two of them to be together for life. Hint: it's not.

 

Sex is just that. Sex. It doesn't mean he has any obligation to keep dating you or chase you even harder and what not.

 

Regardless, when you take out the feelings from sex especially the first couple of times, you will drastically reduce any potential for disappointments.

Edited November 28, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude~T