6 dates, sex, and now silence

[Mrin]

Abstracting this a bit and using the OP's story as an illustration...

 

Guys, if there is one thing we REALLY screw up it is this. Whenever the woman is in a state of vulnerability (first date, first kiss, first sex) it is imperative that you remain steady Eddie. Keep the up the exact same routine when it comes to contact. Text. Calls. Etc... Don't ramp it up or at least don't ramp it up very much. And for heaven's sake, don't ramp it down.

 

When she's in that state of vulnerability, any change in your behavior will result in unintended sending of messages. Her brain will be filled with uncertainty, doubt and worst case scenarios. It is just human nature and because of the pursuer/pursued relationship in dating, she's the one left holding the proverbial bag. Nothing good can come from this period of uncertainty. So don't let her feel uncertain.

 

Ramp it down and you get this - self doubt, shields up, contingency plans put in place. Ramp it up and you get her feeling like things are moving too quickly or she's being pressured. Saying consistent, staying steady Eddie will allow her to explore her emotions about you. Not her emotions about you not texting.

 

I'm really sorry you're going through this OP.

[joseb]

I have spent weeks in past lamenting over guys who ghosted me after some dates... and I learnt its of no use. And yes I like this guy the most and I stopped visiting the OLD site because of him... but I need to stop feeling so down. I didnt eat all day yesterday.... was in my room... so I need to go out n have some lunch... and I found some company and he knows my situation and he asked me to have lunch with him... and I am kind of crying inside right now but also trying to have something to eat.... I cant eat alone in this mood...

 

I'm not suggesting you don't eat! But do you really need a guy in order to eat?

 

Stop looking to men for validation. I used to do the same thing with women. It's a recipie for misery.

 

You are right, no point lamenting or wallowing for weeks.

Go do other things that don't involve dating guys. I think a lot of people dating get totally obsessed with dating and drop everything else.

[MarkIVSteel]

Abstracting this a bit and using the OP's story as an illustration...

 

Guys, if there is one thing we REALLY screw up it is this. Whenever the woman is in a state of vulnerability (first date, first kiss, first sex) it is imperative that you remain steady Eddie. Keep the up the exact same routine when it comes to contact. Text. Calls. Etc... Don't ramp it up or at least don't ramp it up very much. And for heaven's sake, don't ramp it down.

 

When she's in that state of vulnerability, any change in your behavior will result in unintended sending of messages. Her brain will be filled with uncertainty, doubt and worst case scenarios. It is just human nature and because of the pursuer/pursued relationship in dating, she's the one left holding the proverbial bag. Nothing good can come from this period of uncertainty. So don't let her feel uncertain.

 

Ramp it down and you get this - self doubt, shields up, contingency plans put in place. Ramp it up and you get her feeling like things are moving too quickly or she's being pressured. Saying consistent, staying steady Eddie will allow her to explore her emotions about you. Not her emotions about you not texting.

 

I'm really sorry you're going through this OP.

 

Sorry but this is such a load of crap. One has to learn to control their feelings and manage their doubts. You can't expect a man to always maintain the same level of communication and routine. It's inhumanly impossible.

 

If a woman can't control her feelings, thoughts and doubts then any action taken as a result of that is on her.

 

This idea that men are somehow responsible for a woman's actions no matter what she does is stupid.

[Mrin]

Sorry but this is such a load of crap. One has to learn to control their feelings and manage their doubts. You can't expect a man to always maintain the same level of communication and routine. It's inhumanly impossible.

 

If a woman can't control her feelings, thoughts and doubts then any action taken as a result of that is on her.

 

This idea that men are somehow responsible for a woman's actions no matter what she does is stupid.

 

Let me know how that works out for ya.

[stillafool]

I can't believe a guy can't even take time to get over an illness without someone freaking out because they aren't getting a text. This is insane.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Sorry but this is such a load of crap. One has to learn to control their feelings and manage their doubts. You can't expect a man to always maintain the same level of communication and routine. It's inhumanly impossible.

 

Humanly impossible, perhaps or perhaps not. I have been able to consistently reciprocate communications (texting) on a number of occassions when I feel that the lady is into me and I am into her. Not easy when you're just 'meh.' Mind you, I have date responsible, professional women, so the communication has been reasonable and non-intrusive.

 

@MarkIVSteel. In this case, I, too, would be bothered if, just after having sex for the first time, the communication suddenly became non-existent and a sudden claim of sickness was communicated. It takes only 15-seconds to text somehow how they are doing and I doubt that he was SO indisposed that he was unable to do so. Just my 2-cents.

Edited November 27, 2016 by simpleNfit

[elaine567]

n this case, I, too, would be bothered if, after having sex, the communication suddenly became non-existent and a sudden claim of sickness was communicated. It takes only 15-seconds to text somehow how they are doing and I doubt that he was SO indisposed that he was unable to do so. Just my 2-cents.

 

I agree, as far as we know he wasn't hospitalised on a ventilator with his sore throat so I guess he was conscious, compos mentis and had full use of his hands the whole time.

Going essentially AWOL after sex is not good in anyone's language.

[winny]

Guys, I am in a new city and I have no girlfriends here. One of the reasons I joined the dating site was also to make new friends and I have made it clear on my profile. So I do meet other people as friends too. I don't see anything wrong with that.... and yes I do get 10 messages everyday from different guys on the site asking me out or just for a chat. I have been ignoring all of that since I was focusing on this guy. But I am not going to lose out on an opportunity to meet a new person. Until and unless someone has actually asked me to be their GF I can meet more people. Yes I like this guy the best till now... enough to have that level of physical intimacy.. but what is a girl to think if you go all quiet a day after having sex? I spent one whole day yesterday in my room on my bed waiting for a text... sometimes crying... didn't have anything to eat... no mood to cook or go out...not a soul to talk to... till this new male friend asked me to take me out for lunch and I said yes. I just returned home after lunch. And it was just that. No flirting kissing or anything else. I am not a machine to turn my feelings on and off, but I want to take care of myself and help myself move on too.

 

Btw, I responded to his first text saying - "Glad to hear". An hour or so later he responded - "How are you". Please tell me what to respond...

[winny]

I can't believe a guy can't even take time to get over an illness without someone freaking out because they aren't getting a text. This is insane.

 

It's just the timing of it.

[ElizabethIII]

Guys, I am in a new city and I have no girlfriends here. One of the reasons I joined the dating site was also to make new friends and I have made it clear on my profile. So I do meet other people as friends too. I don't see anything wrong with that.... and yes I do get 10 messages everyday from different guys on the site asking me out or just for a chat. I have been ignoring all of that since I was focusing on this guy. But I am not going to lose out on an opportunity to meet a new person. Until and unless someone has actually asked me to be their GF I can meet more people. Yes I like this guy the best till now... enough to have that level of physical intimacy.. but what is a girl to think if you go all quiet a day after having sex? I spent one whole day yesterday in my room on my bed waiting for a text... sometimes crying... didn't have anything to eat... no mood to cook or go out...not a soul to talk to... till this new male friend asked me to take me out for lunch and I said yes. I just returned home after lunch. And it was just that. No flirting kissing or anything else. I am not a machine to turn my feelings on and off, but I want to take care of myself and help myself move on too.

 

Btw, I responded to his first text saying - "Glad to hear". An hour or so later he responded - "How are you". Please tell me what to respond...

 

Answer the question.

 

Tell him you are fine / ok or whatever and ask him something so i gives him something to respond to.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I can't believe a guy can't even take time to get over an illness without someone freaking out because they aren't getting a text. This is insane.

 

Insane? Or far too typical that it warrants equal scrutiny and possibility. Again, I doubt the guy was so sick that he couldn't have texted something...and just after having sex?! I don't blame the OP. It happens far too often....including lying about being sick, etc.

 

We live in an age of increased insecurities. Vastly b/c we don't have to be held directly responsible for what we say or do. We text 'anonymously', email, message, etc. W/o the other party knowing exactly what we are doing at the time of communication. You go from communicating regularly, consistently and right after you get your sex, you stop?????! How can that not be peculiar in the least?

Edited November 27, 2016 by simpleNfit

[hippychick3]

Guys, I am in a new city and I have no girlfriends here. One of the reasons I joined the dating site was also to make new friends and I have made it clear on my profile. So I do meet other people as friends too. I don't see anything wrong with that.... and yes I do get 10 messages everyday from different guys on the site asking me out or just for a chat. I have been ignoring all of that since I was focusing on this guy. But I am not going to lose out on an opportunity to meet a new person. Until and unless someone has actually asked me to be their GF I can meet more people. Yes I like this guy the best till now... enough to have that level of physical intimacy.. but what is a girl to think if you go all quiet a day after having sex? I spent one whole day yesterday in my room on my bed waiting for a text... sometimes crying... didn't have anything to eat... no mood to cook or go out...not a soul to talk to... till this new male friend asked me to take me out for lunch and I said yes. I just returned home after lunch. And it was just that. No flirting kissing or anything else. I am not a machine to turn my feelings on and off, but I want to take care of myself and help myself move on too.

 

Btw, I responded to his first text saying - "Glad to hear". An hour or so later he responded - "How are you". Please tell me what to respond...

 

I see nothing wrong at all about accepting the lunch date. You were not exclusive with this guy, and I would lose interest pretty quickly with someone who goes off the radar for 2 days after having sex for the first time.

 

Take care of yourself and live your life as you want. You don't owe this guy anything. I would respond to him with just "I'm doing very well. Thanks."

[winny]

I texted him saying -

 

"I am good and are you planning to go to class tomorrow or just take rest?"

 

Guess that will throw some light on his illness, if he responds.

 

FYI - We both work and go to school - although different schools.

[Frozensushi]

Personally, if I were 'into' a woman in a big way and we had sex, nothing would stop me from expressing how amazing she was afterward. Especially if I was sick like a dog. Getting a text or phone call checking up on me would be highly comforting.

 

An hour or so later he responded - "How are you"

 

No words of affection? Just "How are you"? Lame!

 

 

Morning when we woke up... I wanted to make out but he didn't seem in the mood. Red flag.

 

If the woman I had sex with the night before wanted to be frisky in the morning, that would be my cue to initiate sex. I don't know many guys who would pass up that opportunity.

 

He got his jollies now he's "meh". You're no longer a priority.

[winny]

Insane? Or far too typical that it warrants equal scrutiny and possibility. Again, I doubt the guy was so sick that he couldn't have texted something...and just after having sex?! I don't blame the OP. It happens far too often....including lying about being sick, etc.

 

Exactly. While till now I was being ghosted on for not having sex by 3rd or 4th date... this is the first time someone became quiet after having sex... but it is so typical that --- suddenly family emergencies happen, work gets too busy or some other stuff and excuses as soon as they know this gal is not going to put out soon.... and this time he gets terribly sick a day after sex.... its really hard to think that this is an exception situation.. although I am trying to stay positive but .... *sigh* at least I am not shedding tears right now...

[Gr8fuln2020]

Personally, if I were 'into' a woman in a big way and we had sex, nothing would stop me from expressing how amazing she was afterward. Especially if I was sick like a dog. Getting a text or phone call checking up on me would be highly comforting.

 

An hour or so later he responded - "How are you"

 

No words of affection? Just "How are you"? Lame!

 

 

Morning when we woke up... I wanted to make out but he didn't seem in the mood. Red flag.

 

If the woman I had sex with the night before wanted to be frisky in the morning, that would be my cue to initiate sex. I don't know many guys who would pass up that opportunity.

 

He got his jollies now he's "meh". You're no longer a priority.

 

His not being in the mood is certainly a RED flag. He got what he wanted and wanted to get out. I'm sorry to say, if the woman I just had sex with wanted more, AND I found her totally hot, I would be asking for seconds, thirds, until I, we were exhausted. :-D

[winny]

 

 

Morning when we woke up... I wanted to make out but he didn't seem in the mood. Red flag.

 

(

 

Thats when I started to bother.... you nailed it my friend... thats when my gut told me ... something is not right.

[losangelena]

I can't imagine that how you respond to him now will make much of a difference. Are you even interest after all this?

[winny]

I can't imagine that how you respond to him now will make much of a difference. Are you even interest after all this?

 

It will take me few days to process that the happy, funny, playful, positive, caring person I met can be so thoughtless about me and my feelings.... a part of me is hoping that all his actions have some good reason behind it... but then my brain tells me... hey its you... always the worst fears of yours come true... how can you even imagine something different will happen this time.... :'(

 

hurting...

[basil67]

Exactly. While till now I was being ghosted on for not having sex by 3rd or 4th date... this is the first time someone became quiet after having sex... but it is so typical that --- suddenly family emergencies happen, work gets too busy or some other stuff and excuses as soon as they know this gal is not going to put out soon.... and this time he gets terribly sick a day after sex.... its really hard to think that this is an exception situation.. although I am trying to stay positive but .... *sigh* at least I am not shedding tears right now...

 

Were there signs of him being/becoming sick on the night you had together?

[losangelena]

Were there signs of him being/becoming sick on the night you had together?

 

He was already sick on date five, apparently.

[basil67]

He was already sick on date five, apparently.

 

Yes. Which leads me to wondering why all the mistrust about him succumbing to illness after date six. Perhaps the OP thinks he invented his illness??

 

For what it's worth, if my throat is starting to feel like razor blades, I will say no to sex. Even in the start of a relationship. If he's genuinely ill, it's not anything to raise a red flag.

[introverted1]

Yes. Which leads me to wondering why all the mistrust about him succumbing to illness after date six. Perhaps the OP thinks he invented his illness??

 

For what it's worth, if my throat is starting to feel like razor blades, I will say no to sex. Even in the start of a relationship. If he's genuinely ill, it's not anything to raise a red flag.

 

Except he went for a 4-mile run right after turning down OP for more sex/making out/cuddling.

 

OP, how was the sex? Any chance that is the issue?

[Gr8fuln2020]

He was already sick on date five, apparently.

 

Missed this, though my position does not change.

 

OP, did he show signs? Or did he tell you that he has been feeling sick since the 5th date? Also, since you two kissed and exchanged saliva, etc. did you feel sick at all? Probable, but if he was sick, he was infectious and you'd be sick too. Did he look sick to you? If his throat was feeling that bad, it was likely more than a cold. So, more contagious. Are you okay?

[losangelena]

It will take me few days to process that the happy, funny, playful, positive, caring person I met can be so thoughtless about me and my feelings.... a part of me is hoping that all his actions have some good reason behind it... but then my brain tells me... hey its you... always the worst fears of yours come true... how can you even imagine something different will happen this time.... :'(

 

hurting...

 

You have a good reason, in that he may still be sick.

 

Also, I understand that attitude, but you're going to need to find a way to work past that if you want to eventually have a good relationship. If you're going to put a worst case scenario spin on everything he does, it's gonna get old, fast. I'm not saying your fears/suspicions over this aren't warranted, but that's a pretty crap mindset to go through life with.