ArcticFox Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 Hi, Two weeks ago my now ex boyfriend broke up with me and indicated the issue seemed to be the distance (we live two hours away) and that he is not sure about his feelings anymore. Looking back, we had a rough week before the breakup; we were getting emotional with the distance, we weren't following the normal routine of calling each other and there was an obvious communication breakdown. Yes there were some problems which I now realise there are solutions but we were to blind to see them. Some as simple as that if we were only available for half a day on a weekend we never bothered to see each other - why didn't we ever think to meet halfway?! Within days of the breakup he messaged me, we chatted a little then he went cold. This happened for a few days with the hot and cold treatment. Then a few days silence then he contacted me on two different days; I didn't respond to these messages. The problem I have is that we work together, not in the same office but we regularly have to call to get jobs done. Everything is fine on the phone, we can have a good chat which he always initiates, then he will go cold; rinse and repeat. The thing is on regular occasions he will call up with an excuse as he wants to speak to me. He has actually admitted this along with wanting to hear my voice and missing me. I'm confused with the mixed signals; the hot and cold, flirty one minute then the next being distant. I'm not sure if he is unsure of his decision, contacting me when he's feeling low or just falling into old habits sometimes. I have had enough of this behaviour and asked can we talk. He has agreed to meet up halfway on Saturday. I know the meet up will hurt, and some say a bad idea but I have had a long think and believe I need to know the painful truth rather than 'what ifs'. I need to know what was the real cause of the breakup, why is he contacting me like this and what I've done wrong so I won't repeat it in future relationships. I want to make him aware that contacting me is hurting and is not a good idea for either of us, at work we need to be business only. We may have agreed to be friends but I can't do it now, I need space. If he doesn't want me back I want to move on. TL;DR - boyfriend broke up with me but contacted me shortly after and is acting all hot and cold through messaging and at work. We agreed to meet up and I want to discuss why is he behaving like this and that it cannot continue. Any advice on how we should talk? How I should ask the questions? Is a video call maybe better? I do not want to sound confrontational or ruin a potential friendship months down the line.
LargoLagg Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 He likes you but not enough to put up with whatever he sees as the other problems. It's not easy for him, but that doesn't mean he wants to be with you. That's why he goes hot and cold. He finds it easy, natural to be nice and friendly with you. Then we he hangs up the phone, he kicks himself for backsliding back into your relationship, so he puts up a wall and goes cold. He's a little torn, but committed to the breakup. That's why he's acting that way. Does that make sense to you?
Author ArcticFox Posted November 27, 2016 Author Posted November 27, 2016 I understand, you believe he is occasionally falling back into the habit then realising he shouldn't. But it's more how do I speak to him during the meet up and is it actually better to do it by video call? I know it's very unlikely we will get back together but his actions are not doing either of us good.
staggerlee71 Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 He likes the companionship and sex. He is comfortable with you. When you meet him, ask him if he sees a future with you. If he waffles at all or cannot answer that ONE question directly and clearly, everything else he says will have a hint of BS. (its a yes or no question)If he cant answer that question, no other questions need to be answered and you have closure. Tell him thanks and leave. If you choose to buy into and indirect answer to that question and look for answers to other questions, you will find yourself strung along and broken in the end. He will take from you what you give him.
LargoLagg Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 I have had enough of this behaviour and asked can we talk. He has agreed to meet up halfway on Saturday. I know the meet up will hurt, and some say a bad idea but I have had a long think and believe I need to know the painful truth rather than 'what ifs'. I need to know what was the real cause of the breakup, why is he contacting me like this and what I've done wrong so I won't repeat it in future relationships. I want to make him aware that contacting me is hurting and is not a good idea for either of us, at work we need to be business only. We may have agreed to be friends but I can't do it now, I need space.Oh, that. Well, first of all, just realize that not everybody is the same. What he doesn't like about you may not be true for everybody, so unless he says something that you also feel is a problem about you, just let it go. Don't defend yourself or argue. Just chalk it up to you being different people. If you can talk to him the way you're writing here, which I view as clear and firm and determined, then I think you'll be just fine. Don't overthink it, just be yourself. Ultimately, that's the only way your relationships will ever work out, is by you being yourself. Good luck!
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