savvy2008 Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 I recently met a guy, from an online dating website, and the first meeting was good. He told me that he had ocd and anxiety, but I didn't really see it that night. I guess all the conditions were right for it to be hidden. We've talked on the phone a lot too, and I guess I just never talked to him while he was dealing with anxiety. Our second date was a disaster. We went to a pub. He was 30 minutes late, blamed it on a million different little things, like taking a shower, the dryer not fully drying his pants, running out of gas, etc. Said it like it wasn't his fault. I realize right away he's very anxious this time around. He comes up to my car and I was texting, while waiting on him, so I open my door and start to get out but he needed a hug immediately and I didn't give him one quick enough. He says he's going to get a table for us and storms off towards the pub. I stop him and ask him what's going on. He then starts saying how upset he gets if he thinks someone is mad at him. Says how stupid his ocd and anxiety is. I calm him down so we can go in. We ended up sitting at a couch that had our backs turned to much of the room. This is when I realized he gets anxiety from that. He turned around and stared at every person that came close, clearly uncomfortable. It seems like he has to walk a certain way, and when he wanted to hold my hand, it had to be a certain way. My right hand was free while my left hand had stuff, but he had to hold my left hand. Walking to my car, I walked around it the "wrong way" and had to double back around to go the way he wanted me to. He kissed me goodnight and had to redo it many times because it "didn't feel right". It had to be a certain amount of kisses and couldn't end too soon or be interrupted. There are other things as well, slamming his car door multiple times, putting something down and picking it up multiple times, etc. He was a nice guy overall, I think. But the ocd and anxiety painted him in a pretty bad light. I called him last night and was trying to tell him that I don't think I can continue dating him. He is really into me and said his heart sank when I started saying I don't know if I can handle it, and he asked if that meant I wouldn't see him anymore. He seemed genuinely upset and I felt so bad. I ended up saying I would see him again, and he said he wanted to explain what goes on in his brain. I feel awful. I know it isn't his fault he has these conditions. But am I a horrible person to say that it's a deal breaker? ☹
BlackCherry Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 No, you're absolutely not a bad person for not wanting to date someone you're not feeling it with. The reason is irrelevant, dating someone is a free choice and if only a couple dates in the thought of seeing him makes you feel bad rather than happy and excited, you're right to not see him again. You don't owe him another date and I'd recommend you don't waste either of your time by meeting him for a third time. All you owe at this point is a message saying 'it was great to meet you, unfortunately I don't see us working out romantically but I wish you well in finding the right person!' And then you don't get into it. You don't need to justify yourself or explain in depth. If he comes back with anything other than 'thanks for being honest' or 'I'm disappointed but thank you for being truthful' or he replies with a plea to meet again or tries to question your decision, you either ignore it or repeat like a broken record 'sorry, we're not a match. Take care'. If he pursues further you can block. His OCD sounds way outta control and untreated. Plenty of people can manage their OCD with therapy, and bring it to a point where it isn't as overt and damaging as this. But it's really irrelevant to you, you don't feel it with him and that's fine. Very few people would pursue a relationship with someone acting like this.
Expectmore Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 Save yourself. Its not your job to deal with it. Some people can handle being around it. Some can't. My wife has OCD Anxiety and Anger issues which creates a bipolar effect. It causes major issues for us. I am a calm easy going guy that doesn't worry about the small stuff so it isn't easy to deal with. Over time it seems to pull you apart from Them.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 No. You are not a bad person. You don't have to compromise your well-being, happiness by feeling obligated to being with someone who will not make your life more complicated. PERIOD. Tell him NOW that you are not interested and won't be seeing him again. You've already told him that you wouldn't be able handle it and you caved. Don't allow guilt to over-take you when it comes to your happiness! You did and are not doing anything wrong. Let him find someone else NOW and don't give him false hope.
Author savvy2008 Posted November 27, 2016 Author Posted November 27, 2016 Thanks for both of your responses. I put myself in his shoes, maybe a mistake. I thought of how bad it would suck to have disorders out of my control, and lose potential partners because of it. It was pretty bad. I'd never seen someone have OCD about the way someone else does things. I even had to get up a certain way at one point, because it would have bothered him. I mentioned that I think it would be very wearing on me long term. I am very easy going, try to enjoy the little things, try not to let things get to me. I was able to tolerate his ocd, and even comply to help him feel better. But I don't know if I could do that regularly.
Author savvy2008 Posted November 27, 2016 Author Posted November 27, 2016 Yes, I already tried telling him and I did cave. It was due to guilt. I felt so bad, hearing him that upset. The issue I'm struggling with is that the things he's doing, is out of his control. It's not like he's just being obnoxious, he can't help it. Also, aside from the anxiety/ocd issues he seems to be a really cool, sweet guy. It's sad that he has these problems.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 Yes, I already tried telling him and I did cave. It was due to guilt. I felt so bad, hearing him that upset. The issue I'm struggling with is that the things he's doing, is out of his control. It's not like he's just being obnoxious, he can't help it. Also, aside from the anxiety/ocd issues he seems to be a really cool, sweet guy. It's sad that he has these problems. I understand. There are MANY things that are out-of-our control that you certainly use as a criteria for determining whether someone is your type or not, right? Height, ethnicity, eye color, etc....but you don't feel guilty about disqualifying someone for those characteristics, right? This guy has to get control of these unfortunalities before he can find someone who is healthy enough to support him. You don't want to be with someone you will need to support, help cope on a continuous basis, do you? No.
Author savvy2008 Posted November 27, 2016 Author Posted November 27, 2016 You're right, I don't want to be with someone like that. It was sad because he was saying he doesn't expect to have those conditions his whole life. And that they seem to intensify when he is going through difficult things in life, like he is now. He was trying to reassure me that he wouldn't be like that long term. But he really could be. I know I need to just end it now. I guess I was coming here for that push.
PogoStick Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 I feel awful. I know it isn't his fault he has these conditions. But am I a horrible person to say that it's a deal breaker? ☹ The best thing you can do is be 100% honest and explain how his OCD behavior is a total roadblock to a relationship with you, and likely many women. He can either use that as motivation to get his OCD treated or he can continue with the poor life it causes him. The only failure on your part is if you go soft and don't explain honestly and completely how much of a problem it is.
OatsAndHall Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 I went out on a date with a woman once who had cancer removed from her brain. She was a nice gal but was severely cognitively delayed. I didn't realize this until we went out as her messages over the OLD were well written and concise. She was a nice gal but the date was horrendous. We agreed to go out for coffee but we got there and she said she didn't like coffee and was hungry. So, I offered to take her out to dinner, her choice. She chose Taco Bell which she said was one of her favorite places to eat. That was strange but fine on my part as I wanted her to have a good time. But, obviously, the atmosphere in a fast food restaurant was not conducive to a first date. That, coupled with the fact that her cognitive impairment made conversation difficult made for an uncomfortable few hours. I was really on edge the whole time but did my best to stay pleasant and personable. I wanted out of there within the first thirty minutes but I just didn't know what to do... I felt awful for the woman. The date lasted a grueling three hours as I waited for her to make an excuse to head home. We had an awkward hug at the door of Taco Bell and I went on my way. She shot me a few messages over the website after and I had no idea what to say other than "I'm sorry but I don't think this will work out". She shot me back a few more messages and was devastated. To this day, I still feel terrible about the whole mess. 1
mortensorchid Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 Oh Lord ... My Mom is OCD. She has behaviors similar to what you have talked about here. I can't avoid certain things because she is, after all, my Mom. But I am here to tell you that this guy no matter how nice he may or may not be is going to make you insane. There is NOTHING you can do about it, nor is it your problem. If he will not get on meds or go to a therapist or whatever else for this problem, he can't do much of anything because the OCD is that powerful. Move on. 1
Apricotjelly90 Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 The question here is, do you like him enough so that you are willing to stick around and support him if he goes to therapy in the hopes he'll get better?
Author savvy2008 Posted December 5, 2016 Author Posted December 5, 2016 I made a post about this man before, if any of you are interested in the full back story. Basically, I met this guy on a dating site. The first date was great. The second date, I got a full view of how bad his OCD and anxiety is. At that point I really didn't want to see him again. I dealt with guilt. I felt like I was a horrible person for holding it against him, for not wanting to continue because of something he couldn't control. I ended up seeing him twice more. The third time he mentioned wanting to seriously date. I avoided the question. We had a pretty good time. I still felt the same as I did after the second date, but agreed to go on a fourth with him. Partially out of guilt, pity, etc. BUT also partially because we are on the same page spiritually, and because we click really well when we are just hanging out and talking. One thing that made me feel guilt, is his weight. All of his pictures online that I saw, made him look around 200. Seeing him in person, he is actually closer looking to 300. He is 5'11. I felt shallow for silently judging. But at the same time, felt annoyed that he would post those pictures, knowing that it wasn't an accurate representation. I am roughly 155 and I have a couple pictures from when I was smaller, but it is only by about 20lbs at best. So on the fourth dat, he asked me to answer the question of being his girlfriend. We just had some serious talks. I opened up about a family member who had passed away in a horrible situation. Then he springs the question on me. I agreed and regretted it as I was saying it. He then told me that he knows it is way too soon but he loves me. What do I do?! I know I screwed up so bad. I can't take his ocd/anxiety, controlling type behavior because of the OCD. Someone help! I feel horrible.
Author savvy2008 Posted December 5, 2016 Author Posted December 5, 2016 I forgot to mention that his OCD affects me. For example when trying to get out of his car, he asked me to open and close the door multiple times. This goes for other things too. Such as which side of him to sit on (it changes sometimes) how to get up, etc. Have to hang up the phone on a certain minute, because there are numbers he deems as bad, and a conversation can't end on one of those.
olivetree Posted December 5, 2016 Posted December 5, 2016 You already know what you need to do. By the way, 20 lbs is a big difference too. When you break up with him, I suggest you post pics that are more accurate on your profile.
RecentChange Posted December 5, 2016 Posted December 5, 2016 Grow a spine already! Leading him on will hurt him worse. Exclusive? I just read your other thread, sounds like you can hardly tolerate him. He sounds like he has untreated ,/ uncontrolled OCD and is obese. These are things that can be addressed bug only HE can, you can't fix him. Do not limit your options to this guy! Really you don't have to take pity on him and sacrifice yourself 1
PrettyEmily77 Posted December 5, 2016 Posted December 5, 2016 I made a post about this man before, if any of you are interested in the full back story. Basically, I met this guy on a dating site. The first date was great. The second date, I got a full view of how bad his OCD and anxiety is. At that point I really didn't want to see him again. I dealt with guilt. I felt like I was a horrible person for holding it against him, for not wanting to continue because of something he couldn't control. I ended up seeing him twice more. The third time he mentioned wanting to seriously date. I avoided the question. We had a pretty good time. I still felt the same as I did after the second date, but agreed to go on a fourth with him. Partially out of guilt, pity, etc. BUT also partially because we are on the same page spiritually, and because we click really well when we are just hanging out and talking. One thing that made me feel guilt, is his weight. All of his pictures online that I saw, made him look around 200. Seeing him in person, he is actually closer looking to 300. He is 5'11. I felt shallow for silently judging. But at the same time, felt annoyed that he would post those pictures, knowing that it wasn't an accurate representation. I am roughly 155 and I have a couple pictures from when I was smaller, but it is only by about 20lbs at best. So on the fourth dat, he asked me to answer the question of being his girlfriend. We just had some serious talks. I opened up about a family member who had passed away in a horrible situation. Then he springs the question on me. I agreed and regretted it as I was saying it. He then told me that he knows it is way too soon but he loves me. You're going to end up marrying him at this rate... It's only been 4 dates - time to speak your mind. And don't go on any more pity dates. 1
ElizabethIII Posted December 5, 2016 Posted December 5, 2016 I forgot to mention that his OCD affects me. For example when trying to get out of his car, he asked me to open and close the door multiple times. This goes for other things too. Such as which side of him to sit on (it changes sometimes) how to get up, etc. Have to hang up the phone on a certain minute, because there are numbers he deems as bad, and a conversation can't end on one of those. What is wrong with you? I feel for anyone with mental health issues but I couldnt live with that and it has only been 4 dates. I would have got out the car and walked away, never to contact him again rather than agreeing to open and close the door multiple times. Just end it. 2
Sunkissedpatio Posted December 5, 2016 Posted December 5, 2016 It's nobel of you to want to be considerate of his feelings and to not want to hurt him by rejecting him but just because someone likes you and wants to date you does in no way make you accountable to them or their expectations. It's OK not to want to date him. It's OK not to find him attractive or a good match for you. And it's OK, not easy by any stretch, but ok to tell him "I'm sorry but I don't see a future for us" you don't need to explain every nitty gritty of your decision just let him know you don't see you guys as a match and that he deserves to be with someone who does, as you do. You can do it! 1
Author savvy2008 Posted December 5, 2016 Author Posted December 5, 2016 I should explain the pictures/weight thing as someone mentioned 20 lbs was a big deal. I don't ever post any full body pictures. The two pictures of me that show my body are 10 and 15-20 lbs off from what I am now, and my whole body isn't in view, but both times being mostly blocked by a dog. Either way, it's an accurate picture of me. The thing is, I'm not purely dating him out of guilt. I really do like him. We have a lot in common, our chemistry is great. I told him my fears and he responded by saying he wouldn't always be like that. That this is just a stressful time in his life and that everything is worse because of it. I know I should break up with him, but part of me doesn't want to because i do like him and enjoy his company, when he isn't being anxious/showing ocd problems. His weight really isn't an issue. If he were OCD and anxiety free, it probably wouldn't mean much at all to me that he is that overweight. The part that bothers me is that I am am active person and when I am dating someone overweight,
Author savvy2008 Posted December 5, 2016 Author Posted December 5, 2016 my main concern is that our lifestyles are too different.
RecentChange Posted December 5, 2016 Posted December 5, 2016 The chemistry is great? Did you find yourself lost in passion while doing those re-do kisses? Are you sexually attracted to him? Do you enjoy the fact that he makes you conform to his OCD behaviors? Has he mentioned what he is doing to address his mental and physical health problems? If he is under a lot of stress right now, ans feeling out of control - perhaps it's not the best time for him to be dating? And lastly, you said you don't see a long term with him, but after a handful of dates you agreed to be exclusive and he "loves you"? Do you not find that alarming? Does he even KNOW you at all? If you can't speak up now, do you think you will be after misleading him for an extended period of time?
Author savvy2008 Posted December 5, 2016 Author Posted December 5, 2016 We'd spoken for hours upon hours on the phone prior to meeting, and exchanged many messages. So by the time we met, we both had an emotional connection and liked each other. I think he has a great smile, very nice eyes, and I think his face is cute in general. The issue with his weight is not having the same lifestyle as me. I dated someone like that before. Used to get up, take my dog for a run, come back and he would still be snoring in bed. It created a sort of disconnect.
Author savvy2008 Posted December 5, 2016 Author Posted December 5, 2016 As far as chemistry being great, he goes back and forth with me very well, he gets my sarcasm/personality and can come right back with a response. Our conversations are never dull. I did mention getting treatment. I don't enjoy doing those OCD things with him, I follow along to not make him freak out, and usually I am trying to leave when these things happen. So I'm also just trying to go home. He acts like it will just go away on it's own, eventually. He does try to self treat, by trying to ignore his brain. But that always ends in him having a panic attack.
olivetree Posted December 5, 2016 Posted December 5, 2016 This is hard for you because while there are things you like about him, there are deal breakers here. Compatibility in lifestyle is very important. And the OCD/anxiety thing really bugs you. That's not going away any time soon. I also think things are moving too fast for you. He is wanting to lock you down before you're ready and has already told you he loves you. That would scare me. At the very least, you should tell him that you need to slow down and you're not ready to commit. However, I do think that the compatibility issue makes this a no-go. Thanks for explaining the pics. Seems fine to me if the weight doesn't affect how your face looks (you're lucky). 2
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