Just hurting. Feeling used. I did everything for her

[AustralianGuy]

Hi forum,

 

I am a 47yo Australian guy and I just wanted to share my story.

 

I met the girl of my dreams "yes really" in late 2015, we were together for almost 14 months, and just 3 days ago she told me she doesn't love me and that there is no future for us, but would like to hope we could be friends sometime in the future.

 

I am absolutely heartbroken "yes, guys hurt too, forget all this (be a man) rubbish. I loved her, and I am grieving the loss of her and our hopes and dreams"

 

Our story was very different. She was separated from her husband of 8 years and had multiple domestic violence orders against him when I met her. She also had a 5yo daughter, I don't have any kids myself and have never been married as I was still waiting for "the one" Which I thought she was!

 

Her estranged husband caused us no end of grief in our first 5 months of seeing each other, following us, stalking us, threatening to burn down her house with her and her daughter in it, threatening to kill her, and me! But I stood by her until one day the police finally caught him, and threw him in jail, where he currently still is.

 

Because of all of the above, we really couldn't spend much quality time at each others place, as a new couple should. So our vists were normally brief and enough time to barely connect, let alone be intimate, but we did our best whenever we could given the circumstances.

 

After he was thrown in jail I was really looking forward to more quality time with her, and trying to move forward with our relationship, but it just seemed she always kept me at arms length, like it was when her ex was still loose on the streets.

 

I thought it was just a natural reaction from a woman who had been mistreated and abused for so long, but it continued no matter how much I tried to endear myself to her "beautiful dinners, days out, holidays, flowers sent to work" I just wanted to be everything her husband wasn't, and she gladly accepted all my kindness and love and gifts, but still no moving forward with our relationship.

 

Out of the blue she then says she wants to try IVF with me, and she desperately wants another baby "I am 47, she is 41" I was shocked and said to her, I would absolutely love that, but after "by now" almost a year together, we still hardly spend any quality time at each others place, her daughter still doesn't know we are seeing each other, and to add to that, she went to see her ex in jail "to take her daughter to see him" But she was never, ever, the same after that jail visit.

 

Still she insisted on the IVF baby and I had to stop her and tell her that I need more from her in this relationship if we were to have a child. I need commitment, and to not be kept an arms length away. For example she never invited me to any of her friends parties or kids parties, and hardly ever let me stay over, or stay at my place, never put pics of our holidays together up on facebook or told people about me, but she wants a child with me! Wow!

 

So things went very cold after our IVF talk, she would hardly contact me, I felt like if I didn't contact her she wouldn't even bother contacting me. I was starting to hurt and was wanting answers. This went on for a little while, the rare intimacy we did have totally stopped, then just a few days ago she told me she didn't love me and there was no future for us.

 

I was, am, still, completely heartbroken as I wanted nothing more than a life with this beautiful woman and her child, but she just wouldn't commit, but I feel like I caused the end of this relationship by not giving her a child, however how could I given the circumstances? We weren't even living together or waking up together and there was minimal commitment from her side of things.

 

I just want a few peoples opinions on this as I am currently going no contact after what she said, I still have a few things in her garage I need to collect but haven't contacted her about that at all, I mean am I going crazy here? Does her point of view seem skewed? Is she just too messed up from being abused in her marriage for so long to not see how crazy that sounds?

 

The reason I am asking is I am hoping she comes back to me when she realises what she has lost, but I am not holding my breath.

 

I just cant believe how quickly this all went south on me.

 

I love her to pieces and just want her back, or is it just too much trouble? Warning signs etc?

 

Thank you for your help, and just typing this out knowing someone is listening really helps

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you were very smart not to agree to IVF. She can't reasonably have expected you to go along with that if she couldn't bear emotional intimacy with you. I think she feels her clock ticking and started grasping at straws, but it wasn't really about having a child with you. It was her attempt to have another baby, not to move the relationship forward.

 

It sounds to me like she just isn't ready for another relationship. She went though a lot with her ex, and is still dealing with the fall-out. The sad truth is that even if you were Mr. Perfect, it doesn't matter if she isn't ready to open her heart. And she wasn't.

 

At the moment, you've got her on a pedestal. I'm not saying she isn't a good person, as I imagine she is. But how fulfilling was this relationship for you? Did you feel loved and appreciated? It appears it was rather one-sided, with you showing all the love and her putting up walls. I'm a woman, but I have dated an "emotionally unavailable" man so I know how it feels to be effectively shut out of a partner's life. It's painful and draining. I think with some time you will see that while she is a good woman, it wasn't a great relationship.

[Expectmore]

She has alot going on in her head.

I was and still am in a similar sit.

After 9 yrs they don't get any better.

Having another baby wont help her get her head right.

Sadly you sound like you know what to do.

Find another great girl that wants a traditional relationship. Then you can talk children.

Its not your fault nor your job to deal with what only she can fix.

It will only get worse if you pursue her.

Mine went bad and now I look back and knew it all along but did it any way.

There are too many good ones without all the hangups and baggage.

Especially at our age.

Most mid 40s to 50 women seem to have it all worked out and just want a good guy to spend all thier free time with.

Find one and enjoy life.

[fromheart]

Wanting a baby so soon when she's clearly recovering from past traumas is not a sign of emotional stability on her part. She's just not relationship material right now, better for her to get some therapy.

 

Its actually somewhat demanding and immature on her part, to be treating you badly because you quite rightly want some stability in your relationship with her before bringing another life into this world.

 

Selfish also, a child will be messed up by an unstable relationship between parents.

 

I sympathize with what she's been through but there's a selfish and irresponsible streak in her also. I'm sure there are times when she seems like perfection walking, but bear in mind the other side to her which you are now experiencing. Don't be blinded by her good side alone.

[elaine567]

This was wrong on so many levels, she has actually done you a favour by breaking up with you.

 

Grieve, heal and move on and don't look back.

 

"Saving people" is never a great strategy in dating and often ends up in heart ache for the would be saviour.

AS

The person "in distress" does not actually want to be saved, or your method of saving them may not work for them, or they want someone else to save them or it is impossible to save them as they are too far gone.

 

Here you got involved with a person who was still emotionally attached to her abusive ex, she may love him she may hate him but he was still occupying her thoughts and so she could never give all of herself to you. Stay far away from those type of people.

[Sweetfish]

I have a friend who has a used car that breaks down all the time and leaves him stranded and requires a lot of work. The cost of owning a new car is cheaper by far. You can buy him a new car, but he will always yearn for the drama. He will always defend why owning the used car is much better and affordable.

 

You are that new car.. you proved all the comforts and reliability, but you have also stripped your gf of her native environment. She is now in a relationship that is foreign to her.

 

I can't imagine how conflicting her feelings must be.

But for you it must feel conflicting as well.

 

I'm sorry, but if this is your idea of the "one" I would start looking within instead of outside to see your own faults, while she can deal with her own.

Edited November 27, 2016 by Sweetfish

[Slimtripper]

1. She wants another kid, I don't think you were necessarily part of that deal for her so you are well out of that situation. That's the rest of you life to deal with pain over and over you missed out on.

2. I don't think she is the one. You couldn't quite get her 100% so that turned you more and more on to her until she ended it and now you believe she is some amazing woman. She likely isn't honestly.

 

3. She just broke up with a mental guy. This may not be the end for you here. But she isn't going to be with you right now. My friend met his wife when she was already married. Then he met her when she was divorced. Then they dated and she broke up with him. She just couldn't deal with being intimate and everything he did that was the opposite of her last relationship, just freaked her out. It took about two years until they did get together in the end. But he hung around for 6 months, she got another bf so that didn't work. It was actually only at the point where he moved on and went NC for 6 months that she finally decided to pursue him.

 

You need to do that. You need to have no contact with her and go live your life. You guys aren't spring chickens so she's not going to be out there on tinder. She may well realize what she has lost once she has a chance to. But you need to get your head clear, walk away and move on. That's actually the only way she would come back anyway. So do it for both reasons

[AustralianGuy]

Thanks for all your advice so far forum.

 

 

I appreciate all those who replied. I know it is always hard to judge someone from reading the posts, but I believe she genuinely is a good woman, but just too messed up at the moment to know what she is letting go of.

 

She even admitted that her leaving me "could be the biggest mistake of my life, but I will have to live with that decision"

 

 

It is just so hard. Anyhow, we are now 9 days no contact but I still have goods of value in her garage that I would like back. These are not things I want to let her keep as they are expensive "two stand up paddleboards, camping gear etc"

 

 

They are 100% mine and I was only storing them there, they are not gifts to her.

 

 

I want to break no contact and ask for these items back, what would be the best way to go about this?

[Blanco]

Ah yes, the old "But they/I still have something of mine/theirs in their/my possession!"

 

Arrange to get those things and then make the clean break if you absolutely cannot be without these items. Dragging it out is only an excuse to remain connected to her.

[5x5]

Great relationships aren't found with those that are messed up, I think you should consider yourself very lucky that it's over.

[elaine567]

I want to break no contact and ask for these items back, what would be the best way to go about this?

 

Ask a friend to contact her and pick up the stuff for you.

[oldbutcurious]

Ask a friend to contact her and pick up the stuff for you.

 

I agree. Better avoid her. She was honest, be thankful.

[Lifeissomething]

Thanks for all your advice so far forum.

 

 

She even admitted that her leaving me "could be the biggest mistake of my life, but I will have to live with that decision"

 

 

OP I'm sorry for your situation.

Words are hard to forget. It's convenient to say nice things to soften the blow of the breakup. Best, to not focus on the words, but the actions. Biggest mistake? It sounds like the baby was more apart of the equation than necessarily your relationship.

 

Not saying this was her motive, but some woman want a baby from a man more than the man. It's quite possible that had you agreed to the IVF (thank god you didn't), she would have still eventually dumped you. Either way, you would have likely lost out on the relationship regardless.

[hestheone66]

I think she's financially unstable and looking for welfare