gcp Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 I need some insight, I'm at a loss here. Here's the back story. Myself and my girlfriend have been together 10 months. She has a 3 year old daughter and right now it is 50/50 custody (currently in custody battle). The father lives 2 hours away. So every other sunday we drive together to pick her up. I understand this whole situation is very stressful for her at this current time and I 100% understand that and support her and her daughter in any way I can. On weeks she has her daughter I am at here house anywhere from 3 to 5 nights a week. We live 25 min apart and my commute to work is an hour one way. So my days get pretty long, but I dont mind because I love her and that little girl and I understand she wants to be home with her daughter in the precious time she does have with her. The issue is the weeks when she does not have her daughter. It is almost impossible to get here to come see me. The long days of driving 120 miles total a day start to wear on me and then you add another 25 min in the car to see her when she could come see me. Her work is a 10 min drive from my doorstep. My house isnt a complete mess, and we've talk about his, even recently and she said she would make an effort. Well, due to the holiday and parenting plan she did not have her daughter for the last 2 weeks. In those 2 weeks she came to my house... once. The only other times we saw each other in that period was me driving to see her, spending thanksgiving with her family, and so on. And when she does actually come to see me she stays for maybe an hour, or just long enough for us to make dinner, eat, then she will leave. I don't feel like im being irrational here when I say this isn't very fair to me. She gets off work an hour before me on week nights, and even when she does not have her daughter she still chooses not to come over and spend time with me. It is really starting to wear on the relationship in my eyes and honestly it makes me feel very unimportant to her. I understand she is under stress, but i feel like im putting in all the effort and getting nothing back.
basil67 Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 No, it's not fair to you. If I had a boyfriend who I loved and who lived near my work, I'd relish the times when I was able to go to his place for the night. Spending lovely nights together AND no commute. Win/Win. She's not carrying her weight. And you're not being unreasonable. 1
Marc878 Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 In a relationship it should be balanced ar @ 50/50. If you do too much you get taken advantage of and will lose respect. It appears she feels she's worth more than you. This wont end well. I wouldn't invest anymore time in this. You're in a one sided relationship and I'd bet she'll drop you at some point. 1
TheTraveler Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 I know what I would do...I'd dump her But, how about this? Reverse it. Let her go pick up her daughter and you go do your own thing whether it's working out, hanging with friends, playing video games, and/or whatever you like to do on a Sunday. Cut down 3-5 nights per week spent at her place to one maybe 2. You mention time this is affecting your life not in a positive way. So when she doesn't have the kiddo, she cannot swing by and stay a few hours and overnight? This ain't good my man. Too me it sounds like this is her freedom time and she doesn't want to waste it on you 3
MarkIVSteel Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 You are over investing while she is under investing. Stop driving her to go pick up her daughter. That's gas money, car wear and tear and time that could be better spent. Start talking to and dating other women. 2
elaine567 Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 YOU have to talk it out with her and put forward your POV. If she won't listen or dumps you then you know where you stand. Sometimes parents can be so focussed on themselves and their children that there is no room for any-one else, they can be very selfish where other people are concerned. It often needs a very "special" single person to accommodate that.. This is not just a temporary arrangement, the ex will most likely always live 2 hours away and you will always have to do all the running and driving unless you start making some ground rules and sticking to them. I get that she just wants "me" time when the child is with her father, but that is unfair on you, and you have to let her know that. YOU also have to ask yourself, is this what YOU really want out of life?
ChatroomHero Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 I agree with pretty much everything said on here. The only thing I wonder is what she does when she is not seeing you? It's one thing if she is at home, dealing with custody issues, working on her house, doesn't have a lot of money...but if when you see her she talks about how she went out win her friends, partied with her sister, went to a new restaurant etc., then she is not invested as much as you. It's one thing if she doesn't see you much, it's another if she has time for everyone and everything but you I think.
Gaeta Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 Did you ask her why she doesn't stay longer or over night? Is your home comfortable? if it's not than it's time to make it lady friendly. My bf spend all of his time here because I would not spend more than 1 hour at his place. It's small, no Internet, no cable, it's cold, and no pots and pans to cook. Is there something calling her back home? I have a dog. If I go to my boyfriend I can't stay all evening. My dog stayed alone all day I can't leave him alone all night too. In my case I have a responsibility waiting for me at home. Maybe it's her case too? 1
Art_Critic Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 Is this about her not wanting to pay the gas to travel ? She may not feel comfortable is your home.. When I started dating my now wife I spent most night over her house for the first 4-6 months, she had a cat and a dog and she just felt more comfortable doing it that way.. as time went on she spent more time at my house but would have to bring her dog in order to spend the time with me.. I don't agree with the idea that it all has to be equal but I do agree that BOTH people should be in agreement with the dating scenario. By chance are you seeing her not wanting to spend time at your house as a rejection ?
OatsAndHall Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 Ask her why she isn't staying longer. Tell her that you don't feel it's an equitable relationship at this point. Emphasize that you are about her and want to see her more but that it needs to be reciprocated. Maybe she has just fallen into a comfort zone within the relationship and feels everything is alright. Maybe she is distancing herself because she doesn't have the same feelings. Gauge whether or not you want to stay in this relationship based on that conversation. Stick it out with her if she works on it. Say good-bye if she doesn't or if the conversation turns into a bunch of excuses. But, either way, don't spend your time or money hauling them around anymore. I feel that she is just taking advantage of that if she isn't spending time with you.
mortensorchid Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 What does she say when you have brought this up to her?
Author gcp Posted November 27, 2016 Author Posted November 27, 2016 When I bring it up she usually tells me that the weeks she doenst have her daughter are very tough on her and she needs to keep busy to keep her mind from wandering. She's off work at 4PM, I dont get home until 5:30-5:45. We talked this morning and she seems to realize how unfair it has been and can see where I am coming from, but I will believe it when I see her put in some effort. We have known each other since we were 10 years old, were very good friends all thru college, after college life took us different directions but last year brought us back in contact and things went from there, so we have a very long history (we are both 28yrs old now). If this doesnt work I will not only be losing a lover, but a best friend. And I have grown very fond of that little girl and she has grown very fond of me, breaks my heart thinking about it.
Marc878 Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 You can't make some one care about you. You do to much you're just setting yourself up. Get and stay at 50%. She'll reciprocate or she won't. If you can't then this will be on you.
leogirl876 Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 Here's a better idea, pull back and she'll come forward.
Gaeta Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 How old is her daughter? Does she have any reason to worry while her daughter is at her dad? Is your girlfriend just coming out of this relationship? At 13 my daughter has asked me to go live with dad. For me it was like the end of the world at first and contrary to your girlfriend I appreciated not being home looking at her empty bedroom.
Art_Critic Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 Is your relationship an intimate one and one involving sex ? It almost sounds like you are friend zoned and she is keeping you at an arms distance on the issue of taking it to the next step, she mentioned "she she has it tough and has to keep busy to stop her mind from wandering" sounds like she is still grieving the marriage and not looking to date 1
Author gcp Posted November 27, 2016 Author Posted November 27, 2016 It is intimate and she has actually been talking about marriage with me, which sounds crazy i know. She is actually telling me she wants to marry me but her actions or lack of effort terrifies me. She doesn't have anything to worry with about the father, while they may not have gotten along I do not think he is a bad parent. That relationship ended almost 2 years ago. And the daughter is 3 years old. *Note: she brought up the subject of marriage*
Author gcp Posted November 27, 2016 Author Posted November 27, 2016 So what is her mind wandering about? She is very scared of the custody trial. Neither of them are budging on being the resident parent. And being ordered by court to be away from her daughter every other week really bothers her, which again I understand, at least as much as I can considering I am not in her shoes so I dont think I will every FULLY understand.
Gaeta Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 I assume you are in the US. Here in Canada we can each be the resident parent so each year we alternate putting the child on our income taxes. When is her trial?
Author gcp Posted November 27, 2016 Author Posted November 27, 2016 I assume you are in the US. Here in Canada we can each be the resident parent so each year we alternate putting the child on our income taxes. When is her trial? Trial is set for sept. of 2018
Gaeta Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 OMG WHAT! So she'll be this miserable till 2018 ! Honestly I think she is using this as an excuse. 2
Gaeta Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 So her mind is wandering when she is at your place but it is not when it's you visiting her? There is another reason underneath it all. Is your place comfortable? Is it clean? do you have all the commodities she has at her place? I think there is something uncomfortable at your place but she doesn't say to not hurt your feelings.
Author gcp Posted November 27, 2016 Author Posted November 27, 2016 My house is clean, but I am a 28 year old man living alone with his dog, so no it is not as cozy as her home. Update: Today was the day we were supposed to go pick up her daughter, I decided to take a step back after our talk and stay home, thinking it would be best if I didn't go this time. Well, she took to social media and posted one of those Quote Meme things, this is what it said, "I'M NOT A PERFECT PERSON, I MAKE A LOT OF MISTAKES; BUT STILL, I LOVE THOSE PEOPLE WHO STAY WITH ME AFTER KNOWING HOW I REALLY AM." Then left the comment below it "In a world full of critics" Maybe Im being overly sensitive but i could only assume this was about me telling her I do not think our relationship is very fair or balanced.
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