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Dealing with humans on holidays...


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Ohhh the holidays. On one hand it was good to come out of the cave, see some new surroundings, and most of all to see loved ones. This is good.


At the same time it's exhausting. The trying to be a normal human thing, I don't know how you do it. Do you not notice how you never quite know what to do with your hands, or how the air seems to be being sucked from the room? Or how every time you say something, it seems like the more wrong it is the less power you have to shut up?


Indeed, I have actually fantasized about having my own tongue cut out just to stop it from doing whatever it wants. This is not a rare fantasy.


I survived it, and indeed, it was good. There was love. That's good.


I went to see Auntie, I can't help myself. I assure her so, though her disapproval is palpable. I said the wrong thing of course, so she did that thing, where she just says "Okay, and changes the subject..." And I'm like... Oh. I talked about the wrong thing again.


She asked how I was doing. I said "let's not." She said where are you living, I said a bus. She's wealthy, so this to her is incomprehensible. Her face. Oh my. Her face.


Youngest was there though. Sweet, loving youngest. We left. I smoked a bowl and felt almost alive again.


Even among my children, I spent half of my time on the porch, or in the bathroom, trying to find a safe space away from the noise. Trying to think.


How do you think around people? How?


As soon as possible, I had to run back to my cave. I shall rest for a day or two, it shall be at least a week before I am ready to deal with humans again.


Except of course my wild man, but he understands. He will stay in his space and leave me in mine. He'll let me reach out when I'm ready, and in small doses.


I couldn't sleep last night though, he touches me so much while we sleep. He rubs, and squeezes, and I so him but it's too late. Too late. I am already awake. Already alert. Already my head is in a bad place.


So we went share a bed again... For awhile...


I wonder so much, what it would be like to be a human too... To not have to arrange my whole life around safety, security, a safe space.


I am back in my cave alone. Away from the humans. Safe.


This is good.


I have a month to get ready for the next dose of humans. I hope it's enough time.


Happy Holidays to those who struggle with humans.


I hope you survived Black Friday without having to get too close to strange humans.



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i've read your poast three times and they only thing that comes to mind is xanax.


you might need some. i use a half of one when ever i have to visit my sister and her family at xmas.


i love them, don't get me wrong, but their expectations of me are too much. i can't bring the whole of christmas with me, all the fun and laughter and i can't take their constant judgmental bull****. their favorite pastime is self righteous indignation with a side of over developed sense of right and wrong.


smoking pot doesn't help because then they are aware that i'm under the influence, which one ups them, plus, i'm "breaking the law" and "setting a bad example".


half a little blue, (as long as i don't start to drool or fall asleep) and a time limit of three hours and it's done for another year.


good luck

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