justsaysure Posted November 26, 2016 Posted November 26, 2016 He's not my ex... we've never officially dated. We've just been mutual friends with benefits in the past. (last hook up was over a year ago) he's in his late 30s, I'm in my late 20s. All he ever says when asked is "I like you alot: always have", but eons ago, he said that he's not ready for a relationship (I read: he doesn't want me... it's cool... I made him promise not to fall in love in the begining and I... caught the feels.) he went cold for a few months... saw each other in public, he was like a lost puppy when he was drunk... we hooked up afew days later. A few months pass, and he sends me a message asking if my company was hiring because he had a friend looking for a new position... I hire friend. friends with benefits takes me out to breakfast one day to talk about friend, and asks how I am... if I'm dating anybody, etc... after that, a few chance public sightings of each other and we still text occasionally... he got hurt a month ago, so I did the caring friend thing to check in... he said he had thought I would be there, icing his foot... mild flirting on my end and sent him pictures of things he likes on shoes... unicorns... ****ing unicorns... he had positive responses so: yesterday, I sent him a picture of a pair of unicorns in a local thrift shop... he liked them and asked how much they were... roughly 70 bucks for the pair... he said he was sending a check with his friend to the office and that Santa came early... I told him he was ridiculous, but they're on my bedside tables... why did he do that? One of my guy friends said I'm just a piece of ass, but the dude is complicated and hasn't gotten any for a year... so he is stumped.
Expectmore Posted November 26, 2016 Posted November 26, 2016 Ditto Stumped! Maybe he is just the odd back burner type. Won't commit but wants to keep a potential or two on call for random times. Maybe he thinks he's half gay? I just can't pinpoint that one. And I study Human Psychology. 3
Gr8fuln2020 Posted November 26, 2016 Posted November 26, 2016 A couple of observations: 1. He simply does not see any future with you. He doesn't look at you as relationship material, so doesn't want to risk the FWB relationship to development into anything more. For now... 2. Obviously, I don't know anything about you or your FWB, but he is appreciative of the only person, apparently, he can count on when needed. Buying you the shoes may have been a gift of appreciation...nothing more. I wonder why his relationship woes continue? Why does he keep in touch? To keep you hoping? Why don't you tell him you want more?
OatsAndHall Posted November 26, 2016 Posted November 26, 2016 This is why I won't do the be friends with benefits with anyone. You can lay out all of the rules with a person ("don't fall in love with me", "we're not dating", etc..etc..) but there is an emotional attachment that goes a long with sex whether people want to realize it or not. I have only done it once, back in college, and it made for an ugly, weird situation. We'd hook up a few times, go our separate ways for awhile. Hook up again, end up "pseudo-dating" and talking about how we cared about each other, it'd get weird and again, we'd go our separate ways. It's a vicious cycle with too many variables. The last woman I dated told me that "things were moving too fast emotionally" (like I'd proposed or confessed my undying love...) but that she wanted a "physical relationship" with me. I declined, quickly. 1
Author justsaysure Posted November 26, 2016 Author Posted November 26, 2016 Ditto Stumped! Maybe he is just the odd back burner type. Won't commit but wants to keep a potential or two on call for random times. Maybe he thinks he's half gay? I just can't pinpoint that one. And I study Human Psychology. I'm going say no to the half gay. All that I know is that he went through a really traumatic divorce 10 years ago and a bad break up 3 years ago, that his friends think he isn't over. He's got three kids and manages a huge resort that eats up a lot if his time. He always texts right back, though sometimes they're short, so I know he is busy and leave him be. Part of me just wants to call him and say "hello fellow human, do you still eat breakfast? Could you join me in public for social interaction and pancakes before work?" I go to work at 7:30... I would wake up two hours early (or simply not sleep) to see him 1
Author justsaysure Posted November 26, 2016 Author Posted November 26, 2016 This is why I won't do the be friends with benefits with anyone. You can lay out all of the rules with a person ("don't fall in love with me", "we're not dating", etc..etc..) but there is an emotional attachment that goes a long with sex whether people want to realize it or not. I have only done it once, back in college, and it made for an ugly, weird situation. We'd hook up a few times, go our separate ways for awhile. Hook up again, end up "pseudo-dating" and talking about how we cared about each other, it'd get weird and again, we'd go our separate ways. It's a vicious cycle with too many variables. The last woman I dated told me that "things were moving too fast emotionally" (like I'd proposed or confessed my undying love...) but that she wanted a "physical relationship" with me. I declined, quickly. I won't hurt myself if he doesn't come around... it's just like a candle is burning inside my chest and keeps flickering because it could be something... if he wanted it. I don't have any emotional attachments to sex... It was great. It was when he opened up a little and pulled back where I ate rocks 1
Author justsaysure Posted November 26, 2016 Author Posted November 26, 2016 A couple of observations: 1. He simply does not see any future with you. He doesn't look at you as relationship material, so doesn't want to risk the FWB relationship to development into anything more. For now... 2. Obviously, I don't know anything about you or your FWB, but he is appreciative of the only person, apparently, he can count on when needed. Buying you the shoes may have been a gift of appreciation...nothing more. I wonder why his relationship woes continue? Why does he keep in touch? To keep you hoping? Why don't you tell him you want more? but at this point, he hasn't gotten any for a long time. how do I coast? Is it ever cool to treat a guy you're not dating to breakfast or lunch... or is it not appropriate? I would pick a spot away from my flat to keep it business.... or is that too obvious that I want more?
thecrucible Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 I wonder if the shoes were a gift of appreciation due to you helping his friend with the job or just appreciating you behind around him and a good friend? I had a male friend buy me a gift once for this reason. But it's a tough one. You'll have to look at other aspects of his behaviour, rather than focus on the shoes, a kind gesture though it is. I don't know him personally and not criticising him for the lovely gesture but I have dated guys before who bought me things and it was really just a matter of course for them and something they had done for other women. I don't think I was particularly special to them.
smackie9 Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 Instead of assuming, or having others guess.....just talk to him. You have known him for so long and have danced around the subject, not engaging out of fear....time to just lay those cards on the table so you can at least have closure. If he isn't going to want more than a few friendly text messages, then you can really move on and find someone who actually wants to be a part of your life. You have held your breath long enough, time to exhale.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 but at this point, he hasn't gotten any for a long time. how do I coast? Is it ever cool to treat a guy you're not dating to breakfast or lunch... or is it not appropriate? I would pick a spot away from my flat to keep it business.... or is that too obvious that I want more? Okay, so you do want more? It's okay to go out, but just don't expect anything more than friendship. You should either tell him you would like more or make the friendship completely platonic, no more FWB. Just my 2-cents. 1
spiderowl Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 (edited) I think perhaps he looks upon you fondly, that's the impression I get. That you are the girl he's always liked who is always there in the background for him. He appreciates you, no doubt about it, but I get the feeling he sees no need to rush to make you his. How do you respond to him? Do you always respond quickly? Does he have to make an effort to find you and get time with you? If he does not, he will take you and your time for granted. He knows he can call you any time and you'll be there for him. Jolly nice for him, especially as he's such a busy guy, but it leaves you on the backburner. If you want to be more than that to him, then become less available. Be less predictable and less responsive. If he wants your time, he has to work for it. It's surprising how much more appreciative he is likely to be to know he has obtained some of your precious time. I'm getting the impression that you think you are lucky to get any of his precious time. You need to turn the tables a bit here. Having said all the above, if he has been through other relationships and has been hurt by them, it is less likely he will be open to emotional involvement, simply because he has enough on his plate. HOWEVER, emotional involvement can start to seem a jolly good idea when you have to work hard to get to get someone's attention. Edited November 27, 2016 by spiderowl
OatsAndHall Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 Instead of assuming, or having others guess.....just talk to him. You have known him for so long and have danced around the subject, not engaging out of fear....time to just lay those cards on the table so you can at least have closure. If he isn't going to want more than a few friendly text messages, then you can really move on and find someone who actually wants to be a part of your life. You have held your breath long enough, time to exhale. This is very good advice. You two have a connection so maybe it's time to see if that connection is more substantial. I would imagine that he is acting strange because you two do have a connection, you've been sleeping together and he feels more deeply for you. However, you two have agreed to just be FWB which has him conflicted. He doesn't want to truly open up to you as he still wants to be a part of you life but doesn't want to screw it up by bringing up his feelings as you've both established the "rules" of FWB. I really liked the last woman that I went out with: we clicked in a lot of ways. But, as I posted above, she stated that she was getting emotionally attached but wanted to just have casual sex with me. Those two attitudes are conflicting as there's a good chance that sleeping together (even with ground rules) was going to draw us closer together. It's not like we were going to meet, jump into bed and then go our separate ways until the next round. We'd end up chatting, enjoying each others' company even more and those feelings would grow.
Author justsaysure Posted November 28, 2016 Author Posted November 28, 2016 I think perhaps he looks upon you fondly, that's the impression I get. That you are the girl he's always liked who is always there in the background for him. He appreciates you, no doubt about it, but I get the feeling he sees no need to rush to make you his. How do you respond to him? Do you always respond quickly? Does he have to make an effort to find you and get time with you? If he does not, he will take you and your time for granted. He knows he can call you any time and you'll be there for him. Jolly nice for him, especially as he's such a busy guy, but it leaves you on the backburner. If you want to be more than that to him, then become less available. Be less predictable and less responsive. If he wants your time, he has to work for it. It's surprising how much more appreciative he is likely to be to know he has obtained some of your precious time. I'm getting the impression that you think you are lucky to get any of his precious time. You need to turn the tables a bit here. Having said all the above, if he has been through other relationships and has been hurt by them, it is less likely he will be open to emotional involvement, simply because he has enough on his plate. HOWEVER, emotional involvement can start to seem a jolly good idea when you have to work hard to get to get someone's attention. I respond back to him usually as fast as he writes to me... How am I going to make him want to fight for my time, when I think I have to invite him to eat this week? What do you say at breakfast when you're trying to remind yourself to breathe and look as unrapid as possible (not a morning person) "Thank you for meeting me in public, I can't jump your bones here... our kids would be cute.... marry me?"
Grey40 Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 (edited) I respond back to him usually as fast as he writes to me... How am I going to make him want to fight for my time, when I think I have to invite him to eat this week? What do you say at breakfast when you're trying to remind yourself to breathe and look as unrapid as possible (not a morning person) "Thank you for meeting me in public, I can't jump your bones here... our kids would be cute.... marry me?" You just tell him that you really like him and would like to hang out more often and potentially pursue a relationship, see how he reacts. From my perspective, it sounds like you're kind of his back burner. He likes having someone when things go awry or someone he can fall back on, but he doesn't see you as a #1 option, and he might still be searching for that. But what's the point of letting this just keep going at this pace..if you like the dude, just address it. You have nothing to lose, you haven't had sex with him for a year so you're not that emotionally invested right now. Just make sure he gives you a straight answer before doing anything sexual with him, otherwise your emotions will cloud your judgement. Edited November 28, 2016 by Grey40
Author justsaysure Posted November 28, 2016 Author Posted November 28, 2016 I left him voice message about doing lunch Wish me luck 1
Author justsaysure Posted December 1, 2016 Author Posted December 1, 2016 Ugh... So I left him the voice message Tuesday and said I hadnt seen him in forever and would love to take him to lunch to pick his brain... and never heard back So Wednesday afternoon, I sent him a silly text about his friend, and he wrote right back. (Less than a minute, like he does sometimes) Ten minutes later, I remember he never got back to me about the voice message, so I just said "hey, I totally left you a voice message the yesterday, but you didn't reply, I figure you either never got it or you hate me *smiley face*" No response. Clearly, all of his fingers fell off, he's super busy and couldn't check his calender and forgot or most likely, he doesn't care. Why can't he just say no? But, end of the night, he watched all my snapchats... like he does every day for the last few months.
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