wanting to heal Posted July 14, 2005 Posted July 14, 2005 I am about sick and fricking tired of my wife's anger. She had the ONS. We are in counseling, and overall it is working. I often read on this board about how the cheater feels anger. It is amazing how often the victim spouse just takes it in. I know, I have done it. I never even yelled at her. Are the cheated-on's just a bunch of co-dependent wimps? We get cheated on, take them back, start MC, read the books on relationships, and want to talk. We put up with THEIR anger. The sex life for me and the wife has some good times lately, but I not satisfied. The difference is that I do not see another person as an answer. I keep my promises. I have forgiven her transgression, but I do not feel the passion in our life anymore. I would rather know that I will not have affection and lovemaking instead of hoping it will happen more often. Makes me sick at myself sometimes. I wish that I had the guts to just leave and start over.
Craig Posted July 14, 2005 Posted July 14, 2005 "Guts to leave" comes when hope is extinguished, when the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving.
RecordProducer Posted July 14, 2005 Posted July 14, 2005 Your wife feels guilty. The only thing that might help is that you tell her that you are not mad at her, you love her no matter what, and forgive her. And don't ever mention the affair. I know it's painful, but obviously that's the only thing you can do if you want to stop her anger. What is she angry about anyway? And why was she so unhappy with the marriage before?
reservoirdog1 Posted July 14, 2005 Posted July 14, 2005 To venture a different opinion... being a "co-dependent wimp", as you say, and simply putting up with her anger may actually be part of the problem. Co-dependency is totally unattractive when it's one-sided (i.e. not "co"-dependent at all). You have every right to be angry as hell at her. The fact that you've managed to avoid displaying it says a lot about your self-control. But from her perspective, in an odd way she may be hoping to see a display of anger from you. That will demonstrate that, emotionally dependent on her or not, there is some sh*t you simply won't put up with. It will help demonstrate to her that, in her mind anyway, you DO have the guts to leave if she f*cks up again. She'll never admit any of this, of course. And you shouldn't become violent or anything. But try it. You should allow your initial outburst to be triggered by one of hers -- it'll be the last thing she'll expect. And she'll suddenly feel a surge of respect for you. (I have little doubt that my serial-cheating ex-wife had a lot more respect for me when I was angry than when I seemed willing to meekly accept what she'd done.)
Sal Paradise Posted July 15, 2005 Posted July 15, 2005 I wouldn't put up with her anger. No way in hell. She should take her anger out on herself not you.
cranium Posted July 15, 2005 Posted July 15, 2005 I agree with Rdog1. MW had the affair (not just a ONS) and I did not react angrily when I found out (at least with her, at first). When I did go off on her one night, she was, in a way, relieved to see some emotion. She mentioned in MC that she knew I was angry, but if I wasn't showing it, she didn't know what was real. Don't hide your emotions or stuff them for her. Speak your mind or you'll make yourself sick. I've followed your other threads and have felt a lot like you. Ladyjane14 keeps hammering me to ask for what I want. Like you, I want my wife to initiate more intimacy. MW's A and her lack of physical initiative in our marriage has become interconnected for me. Physical touch is huge with me and if she could initiate with OM, why can't she with me. Read the last of my thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t57566/15-3. You've also mentioned trust. If you can't trust her, what have you got? Originally posted by wanting to heal - Cannot rebuild trust She deletes the dialed calls from the "redial" on the home phone. She deletes the incoming and outgoing calls and text msgs on her cell. If you need to see the calls, tell her. She should be doing everything in her power to help rebuild the trust. You need to continue checking up on her to give her the opportunity to prove herself. If it makes her angry, it makes her angry. You've been through worse.
Author wanting to heal Posted July 17, 2005 Author Posted July 17, 2005 Thanks for all the thoughts. I wanted to open a discussion. I got some free advice also, and that is nice. We learned the real, underlying problem in our marriage last week. The counselor brought it out, and now I do not know that it is going to work. That does not worry me anymore because I feel as if it is all clear now.
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