BoatsBoatsBoats Posted November 25, 2016 Posted November 25, 2016 Been on 4 dates with this guy for a month (both in our 20s). They have all been good actually, great guy. We've slept together and I've spent the night at his place once. We've been texting daily during this time. Unfortunately while I like him, I feel like I don't like him enough for it to ever become a relationship. I feel like something is missing and I've been finding myself less and less interested everyday that passes since the 4th date. My initial plan was to go on a few more dates to give it a chance, but when he asked if I wanted to hang out yesterday, I felt no excitement towards it whatsoever and turned it down even though I had no other plans. Given that I got a lot of things going on the following weeks (moving into a new apartment, plans with friends etc.) I feel like scheduling dates just isn't worth it when my interest is kinda "meh". Now I've been in this situation after 4 dates before with another guy but that was a bit different. That guy was very confident, experienced and had a more laid back attitude so when I lost interest and he asked for a 5th date I straight up told him that I didn't feel enough connection with him and he took it like a champ with no hard feelings whatsoever. This current guy however is very careful, insecure and inexperienced and just feels a lot more attached to me than the other did. He has already hinted that he wants a relationship by talking about future plans with me. I know I don't want to take things further with him. The problem is that I'm not sure about how to go on about this. He seemed to take it pretty hard that I didn't want to see him yesterday and hasn't texted me since (he is usually quite a frequent texter). I haven't texted him either since I don't want to give him any false hope. Now I'm kind of not sure where to go from here. If he doesn't text me, should I just leave it be? It seems a bit douchey to break the silence just to tell him I don't want to see him anymore, especially when we're not in a relationship. At the same time, I don't want to be one of those people who goes mute out of nowhere and ghosts someone without any explanation. Stupid me has unfortunately been pretty good at hiding my uninterest and pretend like all is well up until yesterday. If he just texts me a random comment or sends me a random snapchat, I would also feel like a douche for suddenly bringing up that I don't want to date him anymore, but once again I don't want to give him false hope and simply ignoring those messages is just plain rude. I realize I should have just told him yesterday when he asked me out that I wasn't interested anymore, but I was still a bit unsure by then. I'm probably overthinking this a lot but I feel so bad. He is a really sweet but fragile guy who has just had some bad luck with his dating life so I don't want him to think that there is anything wrong with him.
ElizabethIII Posted November 25, 2016 Posted November 25, 2016 He has only met you 4 times. He will get over it. I wouldnt text him unless he does first. It is a bit rude of him to be grumpy with you for saying no to meeting.
Shining One Posted November 25, 2016 Posted November 25, 2016 OP, if a guy you were interested in went on four dates with you and slept with you decided he no longer wanted to pursue a relationship with you, what would you want him to do? Would you prefer he ghost you or would you prefer he communicate his lack of interest?It is a bit rude of him to be grumpy with you for saying no to meeting.Where are you getting that he is grumpy? I see no mention of this in the original post. 1
OatsAndHall Posted November 26, 2016 Posted November 26, 2016 Rip off the band-aid and tell him that you don't see a future with him. He's going to be upset one way or another but I figure it's best not to leave him in suspense by ghosting him. 1
ElizabethIII Posted November 26, 2016 Posted November 26, 2016 Where are you getting that he is grumpy? I see no mention of this in the original post. He took it hard that she didnt want to see him and hasnt bothered to text her at all when he normally texts her alot. That suggests he is annoyed enough to ignore her for a while which suggests he is grumpy about it.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted November 26, 2016 Posted November 26, 2016 Well, he's pouting right now and/or planning his own escape. Text him back and tell him that it was nice, but you don't feel that your feelings are progressing as you had hoped and that you hope he finds something more suitable. Good-bye and take care. 1
fred123 Posted November 26, 2016 Posted November 26, 2016 (edited) in his defense um he is probably not gonna text or chase a girl who has shown disinterest. Edited November 26, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator rude ~T 6
lana-banana Posted November 26, 2016 Posted November 26, 2016 I only have three hard and fast rules: 1) Do it in public. Every breakup should be in public, whether it's been four dates or four years. At best they will try to keep their composite and at worst you won't be stuck on the couch for six hours trying to talk it out. 2) Make it clear there is no wiggle room. Don't talk about how it's just timing or how great they are or how you wish things were different. "This isn't working for me", "I don't feel the way I know I should" or "I know this isn't right" are all fair game. Whatever reason you give, put it on you and do not give them an opportunity to talk you out of it. 3) Under no circumstances should you give any date for contacting them again. Don't say "maybe in a few months" or "we can be friends later" or anything, period. Giving even the vaguest amount of hope can set people's healing back months, and although you are not responsible for anyone's healing, you don't have to make it harder. Just excuse yourself and be on your way. Be compassionate but firm. Good luck! 2
ElizabethIII Posted November 26, 2016 Posted November 26, 2016 (edited) in his defense um he is probably not gonna text or chase a girl who has shown disinterest. Exactly. If I had a man turn me down for a date so early on, I wouldnt chase him and would leave it alone. He can probably tell you arent interested. He will be fine. Just leave it. He already knows you arent interested and if you tell him as such it will be worse. Edited November 26, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
MarkIVSteel Posted November 26, 2016 Posted November 26, 2016 Just remember how you'd feel if you went out with a guy, he had sex with you and then told you he doesn't want to see you anymore. 2
winny Posted November 26, 2016 Posted November 26, 2016 I think the guy is doing right thing by not texting you. And frankly he deserves your honesty.... 1
fred123 Posted November 26, 2016 Posted November 26, 2016 I only have three hard and fast rules: 1) Do it in public. Every breakup should be in public, whether it's been four dates or four years. At best they will try to keep their composite and at worst you won't be stuck on the couch for six hours trying to talk it out. 2) Make it clear there is no wiggle room. Don't talk about how it's just timing or how great they are or how you wish things were different. "This isn't working for me", "I don't feel the way I know I should" or "I know this isn't right" are all fair game. Whatever reason you give, put it on you and do not give them an opportunity to talk you out of it. 3) Under no circumstances should you give any date for contacting them again. Don't say "maybe in a few months" or "we can be friends later" or anything, period. Giving even the vaguest amount of hope can set people's healing back months, and although you are not responsible for anyone's healing, you don't have to make it harder. Just excuse yourself and be on your way. Be compassionate but firm. Good luck! Just blame it on religion. Thats what my girl said so ucsnt say anyting back
ElizabethIII Posted November 26, 2016 Posted November 26, 2016 Just blame it on religion. Thats what my girl said so ucsnt say anyting back That might work if they hadnt slept together. Most devoutly religious people dont have sex before marriage. Those that say they are religious and do it are hypocrites....IE everyone.
Author BoatsBoatsBoats Posted November 26, 2016 Author Posted November 26, 2016 So half of you think I should remain silent and half of you think I should message him. I guess there is no right answer here and simply comes down to his personal preference. I agree that he already understands I'm not interested. What worries me about not saying anything is that he might think he did something wrong and overanalyze his actions when it really was just a spark missing. It is a bit rude of him to be grumpy with you for saying no to meeting. He doesn't feel like the kind of guy to get grumpy and resentful due to rejection. If anything it seems more likely he just doesn't want to come on too strong or is afraid he'll bother me. OP, if a guy you were interested in went on four dates with you and slept with you decided he no longer wanted to pursue a relationship with you, what would you want him to do? Would you prefer he ghost you or would you prefer he communicate his lack of interest? I think it depends how into the guy I was tbh. But if I really liked him I would prefer him to tell me so that I wouldn't sit around and wait for him. in his defense um he is probably not gonna text or chase a girl who has shown disinterest. what is wrong with you women? lol. you rejected him and turne down his offer for a date yet still expect him to text and chase as normal? man what has happened to this world?! Calm down. Never once did I say I wan't him to chase me. I am simply asking if I should send him a message for closure or leave it be. Don't just assume things about all women just because you've had bad experiences. I only have three hard and fast rules: Love these rules! Alltough I wasn't planning on doing it in person. I feel like a message might be better when it's only been 4 dates? Seems kind of mean to set up a date with him just to tell him I don't want to see him anymore. Just remember how you'd feel if you went out with a guy, he had sex with you and then told you he doesn't want to see you anymore. Well, we had sex on the third date and just had dinner on the fourth date. But even if we didn't I don't see why anyone should keep seeing someone against their will just because they've had sex. If I would have done that and then dumped him a few dates later I would get trashed for leading him on and wasting his time
lana-banana Posted November 26, 2016 Posted November 26, 2016 Yeah, four dates is right at the border of a breakup message being appropriate. Go with your gut. If you do end it in person, do it at a coffee shop somewhere close by him.
TheTraveler Posted November 26, 2016 Posted November 26, 2016 Love these rules! Alltough I wasn't planning on doing it in person. I feel like a message might be better when it's only been 4 dates? Seems kind of mean to set up a date with him just to tell him I don't want to see him anymore. I definitely wouldn't do it in person. Total waste of time. I think you're overthinking this as it's only been 4 dates. I wouldn't bother with a text. If he does reach out again, you can tell him then
Gr8fuln2020 Posted November 26, 2016 Posted November 26, 2016 So half of you think I should remain silent and half of you think I should message him. I guess there is no right answer here and simply comes down to his personal preference. I agree that he already understands I'm not interested. What worries me about not saying anything is that he might think he did something wrong and overanalyze his actions when it really was just a spark missing. That's why you contact him by text and tell him clearly that you are no longer interested in dating him. 1
Sunkissedpatio Posted November 26, 2016 Posted November 26, 2016 Text is best option. You can try ghosting him but some guys just try even harder when you go silent (so bizarre). I'm fundamentally against the whole "meet in a coffee shop to dump him" that's almost cruel. Make a date to dump someone? Lame. Phone, or if you happen to be together somewhere if it's someone in a short-term rel, text if it's a few dates, and each other's house is fine with me if it's long-term. So ya, everyone has different expectations. But I liked the question how would you like to be dumped, that someone asked earlier. (I'm paraphrasing) 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted November 26, 2016 Posted November 26, 2016 Text is best option. You can try ghosting him but some guys just try even harder when you go silent (so bizarre). I'm fundamentally against the whole "meet in a coffee shop to dump him" that's almost cruel. Make a date to dump someone? Lame. Phone, or if you happen to be together somewhere if it's someone in a short-term rel, text if it's a few dates, and each other's house is fine with me if it's long-term. So ya, everyone has different expectations. But I liked the question how would you like to be dumped, that someone asked earlier. (I'm paraphrasing) Yeah, if just dating for a short(er) period of time, call or text the break-up. I just don't get the "don't be a coward' attitude when breaking-up with someone who you really don't know. I think ghosting is a little weird, but meeting someone, wasting your and, especially, his/her time to tell them you're breaking up is....just non-sensical. 2
thecrucible Posted November 26, 2016 Posted November 26, 2016 I think it would be good to call him because he'll be able to tell from your tone that you actually care about his feelings and nothing will come across badly or inferred wrongly from the tone of your text. I think a phone call is also a good idea because you've been intimate. I think I will always try to have phone calls in the future. When you call him, you could check that he's in a private place. Ghosting is not a good idea imo because he's been a good person to you and you've also been intimate. 1
Erik30 Posted November 26, 2016 Posted November 26, 2016 Just tell him as soon as possible. He probably already knows something is up, that's why he stopped texting you. I don't think you have to do it in person after 4 dates, a text would be fine. Yeah you might hurt him, but it will be worse if you'll keep cancelling dates in the future and slowly fade. At least you can spare him that uncertainty
ElizabethIII Posted November 26, 2016 Posted November 26, 2016 (edited) I just think, wait for him to get in contact. If he asks you out again, then you say to him that you dont think you should meet again, you are sorry and wish him well. He has been turned down for a date by the OP and for all we know he may take the hint and leave it there. If he never contacts her again, why drive the knife in even harder by saying by the way, I never want to see you again, when he hasnt even tried to get in contact or showed the OP any attention at all. I dont think it will devastate him. He has seen her 4 times. On 4 days of his life, consisting of thousands of days, has the OP been a presence. People do overestimate their worth alot. Thinking someone will be THAT upset over not seeing them again after only 4 dates. Edited November 26, 2016 by ElizabethIII
Sunkissedpatio Posted November 26, 2016 Posted November 26, 2016 . I think ghosting is a little weird, but meeting someone, wasting your and, especially, his/her time to tell them you're breaking up is....just non-sensical. Seriously! I mean if you have to go meet someone in a public place to tell them it's over, for fear that they will have a meltdown or worse yet, attack you because they are being rejected then you should be getting a restraining order. Never mind having a "we need to talk" discussion face-to-face.
winny Posted November 26, 2016 Posted November 26, 2016 Not in person. Send a text. Do it asap. Even if he isnt texting he may have hope n waiting. Your text will help him move on n date other women. 2
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