Serial vs. Parallel dating

[hup]

I'm faced with this issue at the moment, whether to continue with parallel dating or really go with serial dating. This is about looking with the prospect of long term dating by the way.

 

I've seen the advice to date in parallel pretty much everywhere around the web, so I went with that. But after trying it for a while, and thinking about it, I can't see any real convincing arguments as to why it's better or more practical than dating in series. I'll try and defend dating in serial, see if there can be a back and forth on this!

 

Let's assume that all participants' preferences are equal, whether serial or parallel. E.g. when you consider parallel dating, everyone dates in parallel, and vice versa.

 

There's probably an expedience argument - let's start with that. I would counter that it's not necessarily faster to date in parallel than in series - since if you would date in series, you could have more dates with that same person in a shorter amount of time. I can see why this would be slightly slower on average, since mismatches in scheduling can hold it up, regardless if the other one is a serial or parallel dater. But I'm not convinced the difference would be that big. Most people you can see that they're incompatible after one date anyways.

 

Another argument is one where you need to compare people. You need to figure out which one is the best for you! This I don't agree with. If you need to compare ~3 people at any given time to know if they are compatible, then you simply don't know what you are looking for, or you don't trust your own opinion in selecting a partner. It's impossible to compare everyone, so comparing 3 people at the same time is absolutely insignificant, and can heavily skew your results if you actually go by such comparisons.

 

So, counter arguments, other arguments? Let's hear em!

[Gloria25]

Wow, it seems like your approach to dating is like buying a car.

 

For me, it's not that simple. If I'm understanding your definitions of "serial" or "parallel" dating correctly, I couldn't do either.

 

Why?

 

For me, both do not allow you to really get to know someone. It's like you're dating for dating's sake.

 

Like "serial" dater to me is someone who will never settle down. As soon as they bore of one person, it's "next". They invest little into the person cuz eh, there's tons of people in the world that you could replace them with. So, like a serial killer who gets off on killing and just wants to kill, for me a serial dater just dates with no end in sight.

 

Now, "parallel", I can't do either. It's hard for me to be into more than one guy at a time. When I'm really into a guy, I don't notice other men. I forget that I have an active dating profile online. Maybe, maybe I could be talking to more than one guy at the same time and even go out for coffee at the same time with each of them, but once sex happens or I knoe I want sex or that I simply am digging one of them, the rest fall off.

[hup]

Wow, it seems like your approach to dating is like buying a car.

 

For me, it's not that simple. If I'm understanding your definitions of "serial" or "parallel" dating correctly, I couldn't do either.

 

Why?

 

For me, both do not allow you to really get to know someone. It's like you're dating for dating's sake.

 

Like "serial" dater to me is someone who will never settle down. As soon as they bore of one person, it's "next". They invest little into the person cuz eh, there's tons of people in the world that you could replace them with. So, like a serial killer who gets off on killing and just wants to kill, for me a serial dater just dates with no end in sight.

No no! I'm talking strictly long term relationships here, not with the intent to move on.

 

In order to find the person you would want to settle down with, if doing it through online dating, you can do it in a serial fashion, or parallel. Serial meaning that you only see one person at a time, and see where it goes, parallel meaning that you date multiple people at a time.

 

In either situation, if you find the one you're satisfied with, then you stop dating and go into a relationship of course.

 

Now, "parallel", I can't do either. It's hard for me to be into more than one guy at a time. When I'm really into a guy, I don't notice other men. I forget that I have an active dating profile online. Maybe, maybe I could be talking to more than one guy at the same time and even go out for coffee at the same time with each of them, but once sex happens or I knoe I want sex or that I simply am digging one of them, the rest fall off.

I have this exact issue at the moment. It's why I'm thinking of leaving it to one person at a time from now on. Multiple people at once is exhausting, and leaves me with less focus. The girl I'm dating at the moment though, is doing so in parallel. Seeing it from this perspective makes me less inclined to do it in parallel either - it's a bit of a hit on my nerves at times. I guess I need to work some more on my self-esteem though.

[Gloria25]

Also, I wouldn't wanna know if I'm being "parallel" dated by a guy. At some point, I would expect him to concentrate on me. If he still is test driving me while considering others for an extended period, then I figure that there's something not there about me why he feels he has to keep his options open snd I don't wanna be with someone who has one foot outside of the door all the time.

 

Dude I'm into right now, that's sorta what's going on. I believe he likes me and I met him at a time where he's already into someone, but he's ok with flirting, touching and chatting. Not sure if he's on the outs with her and upon meeting me is checking me out before he deep sixes her or decides to stay....I don't know so it confuses me on how to be around him, cuz while I understand he doesn't wanna be a two-timer, but I feel silly spending time and attention on a guy who isn't technically "available".

[bummer]

If you don't want the pressure and passion to drop, keep it in series!

 

Parallel dating sounds dangerous. The girl you are seeing now is being more casual. Only allowing so much current to flow to each of you. If you are more invested in her than she is into you, you're going to have a bad time.

[Gloria25]

PS...

 

I made up my mind to give him a bit of time and then gonna give him the "look me up when you're single" talk cuz I was watching daytime court TV today and one dude said he met chick when he was still married, but she made such an impact on him that upon his divorce, he went straight to her. So, I'm thinking if dude is really smitten by me, I'm not gonna invest much cuz if he really wants me, he'll come to me.

[hup]

Also, I wouldn't wanna know if I'm being "parallel" dated by a guy. At some point, I would expect him to concentrate on me. If he still is test driving me while considering others for an extended period, then I figure that there's something not there about me why he feels he has to keep his options open snd I don't wanna be with someone who has one foot outside of the door all the time.

Hm, I would prefer to know - you would at least know that if it takes longer, the person is indecisive about you, and perhaps not worth your time.

 

Dude I'm into right now, that's sorta what's going on. I believe he likes me and I met him at a time where he's already into someone, but he's ok with flirting, touching and chatting. Not sure if he's on the outs with her and upon meeting me is checking me out before he deep sixes her or decides to stay....I don't know so it confuses me on how to be around him, cuz while I understand he doesn't wanna be a two-timer, but I feel silly spending time and attention on a guy who isn't technically "available".

He's dating the other girl exclusively?

 

The girl I'm into, we've only seen each other for a week now, two dates. We hit it off really well. We talked a _lot_ over chat, no sex, but kissing and cuddling. Not sure if what to think of the fact that she's undecided still, it is somewhat soon to make a clear judgement I guess - though for me, in her position, it would be an easy choice to make. I'm thinking of asking her about it in the following date, unsure if that would be a good idea.

 

If you don't want the pressure and passion to drop, keep it in series!

 

Parallel dating sounds dangerous. The girl you are seeing now is being more casual. Only allowing so much current to flow to each of you. If you are more invested in her than she is into you, you're going to have a bad time.

A lot of people seem to be doing this. The advice to date multiple people at the same time is everywhere, tons of articles on it!

[hup]

PS...

 

I made up my mind to give him a bit of time and then gonna give him the "look me up when you're single" talk cuz I was watching daytime court TV today and one dude said he met chick when he was still married, but she made such an impact on him that upon his divorce, he went straight to her. So, I'm thinking if dude is really smitten by me, I'm not gonna invest much cuz if he really wants me, he'll come to me.

I'm considering this as well. I think it's on the precipice of starting to feel like a waste of my time, I guess I'll have a third date and if she doesn't want to go exclusive, she can contact me when she's willing to.

 

Quite difficult though, I'm very smitten at the moment. Only one week, I know, but boy is it hard to contain.

[basil67]

Perhaps it's because I'm old and we only ever dated one person at a time back in the day.... But I could never imagine participating in parallel dating. And I couldn't imagine being OK with a guy who was doing that either.

[Shining One]

I prefer parallel dating until I reach exclusivity. Here are some advantages of parallel dating as I see them:

• Less Missed Opportunities - If I'm dating Woman A in series (thus not open to dating others) and Woman B walks into the picture, I would lose the opportunity with Woman B because I'm choosing to only date one woman at a time.
  
• Comparing options - While I know what I'm looking for and require in a relationship, this is more about comparing the "would be nice" things a woman brings to the relationship.
  
• Decreased tolerance for "bad behavior" - This may be specific to me. I've found that I tolerate less "bad behavior" from women when I'm parallel dating than when I'm serial dating.
  
• Faster progress - I've found that my time from "Start Looking for Relationship" to "In Relationship" is much shorter when parallel dating.
  

I'm sure I'll think of some others, but this is what comes to mind for now.

[hup]

I prefer parallel dating until I reach exclusivity. Here are some advantages of parallel dating as I see them:

Yes, thank you!

• Less Missed Opportunities - If I'm dating Woman A in series (thus not open to dating others) and Woman B walks into the picture, I would lose the opportunity with Woman B because I'm choosing to only date one woman at a time.

The problem here is, you will miss the opportunity to date 99.999999% of women anyways - you can never hope to date a significant amount of potential women. The same goes if you're dating 3 at a time, a fourth comes up, and then you simply don't have the time to date her. You miss 'opportunities' every minute of every hour, I feel this is only in your head.

 

• Comparing options - While I know what I'm looking for and require in a relationship, this is more about comparing the "would be nice" things a woman brings to the relationship.

I don't understand what this means. You're comparing options, but you know what you want? I kind of feel that if you know what you want, you can find one, what's the comparison for then?

 

• Decreased tolerance for "bad behavior" - This may be specific to me. I've found that I tolerate less "bad behavior" from women when I'm parallel dating than when I'm serial dating.

Hm, you're more on your stripes when dating multiple women? You could apply this just as well to serial dating though - what's holding you back?

 

• Faster progress - I've found that my time from "Start Looking for Relationship" to "In Relationship" is much shorter when parallel dating.
  

So you've tried serial dating as well before other relationships?

 

I'm not judging here by the way - just discussing to get some insight. I've been doing this as well up till now.

Edited November 26, 2016 by hup

[Shining One]

The problem here is, you will miss the opportunity to date 99.999999% of women anyways - you can never hope to date a significant amount of potential women. The same goes if you're dating 3 at a time, a fourth comes up, and then you simply don't have the time to date her. You miss 'opportunities' every minute of every hour, I feel this is only in your head.

While it's true I'm missing opportunities with the vast majority of women, I want to make the most of the opportunities I have. Dating is often a "feast or famine" thing for me. Sometimes I'll have several women interested in dating me at one time and others I'll have none. It doesn't seem advantageous to unnecessarily burn bridges by choosing to only date one woman at a time. If I had a consistent flow of women, serial dating might be more appealing in this case.

I don't understand what this means. You're comparing options, but you know what you want? I kind of feel that if you know what you want, you can find one, what's the comparison for then?

Let's say two women have all of the things I'm looking for in a relationship. One woman may be more physically attractive. One woman may be more advanced in her career. One woman may be a better chess player. None of these criteria are requirements for me, but they fall into the "would be nice" category that can push one woman ahead of another.

Hm, you're more on your stripes when dating multiple women? You could apply this just as well to serial dating though - what's holding you back?

I wish I knew the answer to this. I honestly don't know why I'm this way, hence why I said it may be specific to me.

So you've tried serial dating as well before other relationships?

Yes. I used to serial date and have only been parallel dating within the last 4 years. I'm in a 2+ year relationship, so I haven't been doing either recently.

[Gloria25]

Hm, I would prefer to know - you would at least know that if it takes longer, the person is indecisive about you, and perhaps not worth your time.

 

 

He's dating the other girl exclusively?

 

The girl I'm into, we've only seen each other for a week now, two dates. We hit it off really well. We talked a _lot_ over chat, no sex, but kissing and cuddling. Not sure if what to think of the fact that she's undecided still, it is somewhat soon to make a clear judgement I guess - though for me, in her position, it would be an easy choice to make. I'm thinking of asking her about it in the following date, unsure if that would be a good idea.

 

 

A lot of people seem to be doing this. The advice to date multiple people at the same time is everywhere, tons of articles on it!

 

The guy I'm into? He hasn't said if it's exclusive with the person he's seeing. I just asked him if he's seeing anyone and he said 'Yes, I'm seeing someone'...BUT, then he says 'But you're ok. I like you cuz you're X'. So I'm like, what does 'But you're ok' mean? Does he mean that although he's dating someone he likes me as a female friend? But, then again, the flirting has gotten physical where he said he's ok with me like rubbing his shoulders or giving him a peck kiss. So, maybe he's not exclusive if he's allowing things to get physical with him?

 

In your case? If I'm correct she's the one parallel dating? One week is kinda too soon to expect her to make up her mind as to wanting to be exclusive with you. But, like my dude, how can she be kissing and even "cuddling" with a guy while seeing another guy ?

[hup]

The guy I'm into? He hasn't said if it's exclusive with the person he's seeing. I just asked him if he's seeing anyone and he said 'Yes, I'm seeing someone'...BUT, then he says 'But you're ok. I like you cuz you're X'. So I'm like, what does 'But you're ok' mean? Does he mean that although he's dating someone he likes me as a female friend? But, then again, the flirting has gotten physical where he said he's ok with me like rubbing his shoulders or giving him a peck kiss. So, maybe he's not exclusive if he's allowing things to get physical with him?

That does sound confusing. Why don't you just straight up ask? Have you only been on a date or two? It seems like it would be a normal question if he wasn't dating the other woman exclusively.

 

In your case? If I'm correct she's the one parallel dating? One week is kinda too soon to expect her to make up her mind as to wanting to be exclusive with you. But, like my dude, how can she be kissing and even "cuddling" with a guy while seeing another guy ?

The last bit confused me too. The kissing I can understand, but the cuddling seems too intimate for me to keep.. keeping your options open. I'm curious now to know if that's a normal thing for her, or that it's just with me. No idea how to broach that subject without coming across as jealous or insecure though.

[Gloria25]

That does sound confusing. Why don't you just straight up ask? Have you only been on a date or two? It seems like it would be a normal question if he wasn't dating the other woman exclusively.

 

 

The last bit confused me too. The kissing I can understand, but the cuddling seems too intimate for me to keep.. keeping your options open. I'm curious now to know if that's a normal thing for her, or that it's just with me. No idea how to broach that subject without coming across as jealous or insecure though.

 

Well, in your case, I think it's a normal question to ask. Just be like, 'Ok, we were cuddling the other day, but you're seeing someone. So, are you exclusive with him?' That way you aren't like "Oh, although it's only been a week of dating, I wanna be exclusive with you", but you're trying to figure out what her deal is.

 

In my situation, gonna give him the "see me when you're officially single" talk. Not gonna ask if he's exclusive with her or not.