I'm broken.

[CavesOfIce]

So this is kind of a long story. So Back in 8th grade of middle school I met this guy (he was my first boyfriend) and we clicked really well. He was 3 years older than me. We started dating and it worked really well. A few months in, like 4-5 he breaks up with me out of the blue. I found out through a friend that he broke up with me to "see what would happen" and if I would "try to save our relationship". So I got very upset. Later that month he comes back begging and I accept him back fully. But a few days later he tells me the truth. He broke up with me because he cheated on me with this girl at his school. I was very angry but I DID NOT argue with him or get really mad. Again I accepted him back with open arms.

 

Throughout this relationship which lasted about four years, it was full of lies, arguments, and cheating. He even brought me when I was only 14 and got me to smoke pot with him. It was peer pressure at the time and thats when I found out how big of a pot head he was. He'd spend every day after school at his pot dealer's house. Then at 15 he had me drink alcohol at the time. Keep in mind i've never had a boyfriend before. I thought to myself "oh this happens all the time just go along with it" etc. Eventually he started having some mental issues, he actually broke down one day and begged me to ask his mom for him to get him a therapist. Of course I asked her and he started therapy a week later. He was diagnosed with depression and started anti depressants. After about 2 months of taking them we got into this big fight and all I remember is him yelling at me "It's all your fault that my dosage was increased for my meds. It's all because of you and It's your fault". That still haunts me to this day. Ever since then it's never been the same. He has insane anger issues and he would get so mad with his parents, he would purposefully pick fights with me so he could take his anger out on me. Very few times yes, he did hit me. He continued to emotionally abuse me and blame me for his problems. But our relationship wasn't always hateful. We had such beautiful times, we'd go take walks and just enjoy eachother, it was beautiful.

 

Then recently after the new year, it was nothing but fights. Fights and sex is all he wanted. In March I had enough. I asked him if we could take a break for one week. I wanted to see how we would stand and to reflect on my feelings for him. It wasn't a break up, more like a week vacation. During that time was my best friend of 3 year's birthday party. She asked me if he could go and I said I didn't care, which was a big mistake. We ended up playing spin the bottle and she made out with him, infront of me, several times. I got very angry. After the party was over he went to leave and she gets up to "walk him out". She was gone for ten minutes, came back into her house, walked around pretending to look for something and she goes: "oh I think he lost something.". Then she walks back out empty handed and comes back five minutes later super happy. She then proceeds to tell me and anothr mutual friend how they made out outside and how he called her this and she called him that and now they were going to date. KEEP IN MIND SHE FULLY KNEW MINE AND HIS SITUATION. I got very upset and started crying in her bathroom. I should of called my mom at that moment. I regret not calling her telling her to come get me.

 

After that incident, being the stupid person I am, I took him back again. I was very jealous, angry and depressed. Nothing changed from staying home, never leaving his house. It was a repeat of going to his house, talking for an hour, having sex, sleeping then going home. Every. Single. Time. Eventually I was done and we broke up. Not long after he hooked up with my best friend. My best friend is not bright at all. I ran into her during summer break. She gave me a hug and started telling me all about her summer, her job, all the people she sees, what shes been doing and then tells me about the five men she's been *******. One of them being my Ex. She does this with every boyfriend/sex toy she sleeps with. This is normal for her to tell every detail about her sex life to me whether I tell her not to tell me or not she does it anyways. So she starts telling me about 2 black dudes she slept with that she met at her work, one 19 year old (keep in mind we're 16), a 21 year old with a girlfriend and my ex.

 

Now it is November. During the time since the summer, they're still together. He has called me and messaged me since then. We tried being friends and it was so great. But then he kissed me and did other things with me for about three months while he was still dating her. I didnt feel right about it since the beginning but he assured me it was okay. We got into a fight about it and he left me alone. Then he messaged me again asking how i was. I told him i was about to head to the mall and he then self invited himself and even left work early to go see me. We met up, had a nice talk, and after a few hours went to go leave. Turns out he locked his keys in his car. I then had to drive him back to his house. His house keys were on the keys that were locked in his house so he had to break in his own house. He made me food to try to be nice. We then started talking. I asked about her, how they were, how his life was. We had a deep conversation which resulted in him expressing his love for me again but the day before I had gotten into a new relationship. He then got angry, started crying. I tried to console him. I told him its okay, i wiped away his tears and said stuff like please dont cry, everything happens for a reason, etc. He then slapped my hand really hard away and yelled "DONT YOU ******* TOUCH ME" and he stormed off to his room and started throwing stuff. I started to cry and I didn't know what to do. I was stuck in his house and he had no car. After 20 minutes I went into his room, tried to cheer him up and suggested he look for his car key spares. he looked but couldnt find them and that made it worse. Then he demanded i bring him back to the mall and to just drop him off at his car. I did that and he thanked me, mumbled a "sorry", closed the door and i drove off. I started to cry because i was so relieved he was gone.

 

Fast forward to now. He is still with her, i'm not with anyone. I messaged him this time trying to apologize for getting mad last time with the mall incident and to see if we could be friends. He agreed and also apologized. He then at 7pm one night decided he would drive down to where i live and come smoke weed with me. I met him and we joked around and had a few laughs. He then started getting deep with me and I started to say things about my life like he is my therapist. He listens and i'm crying. I then express my love for him still. He kisses me and we do stuff in the back of his car. The next day he starts up an argument which resulted in me feeling extremely suicidal and him emotionally abusing me again. I blocked him and he blocked me. I just dont get it, why does this keep happening again and again? Also why did he deny me after i told him i missed him and he kisses me and does stuff? Doesnt that imply similar feelings? He tried to tell me he felt "off" after he saw me that night. Also his gf doesnt know about this, should I tell her? We stopped being friends when she chose him over me, and now she has no friends because of it. She talks to me sometimes. What do I do about her too? I'm still mad that she knew all of this was happening and seduced him and took him away from me. I hate talking to her but we go to the same school so it is hard not to talk to her and see her. But honestly I hate her and everything she does, but the same time i feel s**tty when she doesnt talk to me like its my fault so i feel obligated to fix it. Is there something wrong with me mentally? Expecialy for trying to get back with my abusive ex. I know i have depression and anxiety but maybe im insane. Any advice would be amazing, I'm having trouble doing this on my own.. Thank you.

[CavesOfIce]

It probably doesn't help also that I am self medicating with drugs and alcohol. I do not take meds for my depression nor my anxiety. I self medicate. So this is honestly I feel like I'm being a baby over this. I'm extremely, unbelievably hurt over this. I've tried moving on but I can't stop comparing him to the guys I find. Plus It doesn't help when all the relationships you try to be in last under a month. *ALSO*: I did love him. When we broke up for the final time I just couldn't take the abuse and sitting there doing nothing but having sex was terrible. I did it because I thought I was helping myself out. I feel like I made such a huge mistake. I miss him terribly and he's done nothing but rub it in my face that I could of had him but It's my fault for trying to move on when he told me he still liked me.

Edited November 25, 2016 by CavesOfIce

[l8estnews]

Both of you needs so much therapy. Don't be in a relationship for now. You are not mentally healthy.

[ExpatInItaly]

You need to stay away from this guy, forever.

 

He is toxic, your relationship was toxic, and it's going to bring you nothing but more pain. You are being used in a major way.

 

Yes, there is something wrong if you are continuing to cling to an abusive man. Please, for your own benefit, speak to a counselor. This isn't healthy. And it's certainly not love.