Hypothetical scenario: BF going to sports game with female coworker

[phineas]

Well, I've been around the block a few time myself, so don't think age is the reason. Alternate reality? Perhaps, but I wonder which of us is actually in the alt reality and which the primary. But yea, two diametrically opposed perspectives, both having evolutionary explanations

 

If you go over and browse the infidelity forum you'll find thread after thread where coworkers, best friends, and first degree relatives have encroached, women having babies by affair partners and tying to decide whether to tell the husband or let him believe, you know... this $hit happens every day.

 

Humans are not inherently monogamous. If you've figured out a way to ensure that you aren't proliferating the milk man's genes, then please do share the magic formula. Or perhaps you're one of those who just doesn't mind sharing your mate? I realize there are all varieties, but I think they're the in the alt reality, not those of us who expect exclusivity.

 

yessir.

I love all the people who call others "controlling" and "clingy" and "insecure" because they don't want their BF or GF going on dates with other people.

 

women especially seem to love to toss those labels around as a defense mechanism for their poor behavior.

 

Men tend to just lie about it.

 

Either way it happens.

[thefooloftheyear]

yessir.

I love all the people who call others "controlling" and "clingy" and "insecure" because they don't want their BF or GF going on dates with other people.

 

women especially seem to love to toss those labels around as a defense mechanism for their poor behavior.

 

Men tend to just lie about it.

 

Either way it happens.

 

 

From what I have read on this site, it seems like if anyone disagrees with(and its mostly women) the opinion that its just AOK to "hang" or go grab drinks, or whatever, with male exes, male coworkers, etc. then there is clearly something wrong with the guy, he has severe insecurity or trust issues, or what have you...

 

I just thought it would be common courtesy for a man or a woman to an existing partner to not make them feel uneasy or that they had to "test" their capability to handle it, or some other shyt...I just could never see any issue with politely refusing to go out with the opposite sex person, using the reasoning that you don't want to create a problem for the current mate...

 

Makes no sense to me, but I have seen it a lot-not so much in real life, but on here plenty...

 

TFY

[phineas]

From what I have read on this site, it seems like if anyone disagrees with(and its mostly women) the opinion that its just AOK to "hang" or go grab drinks, or whatever, with male exes, male coworkers, etc. then there is clearly something wrong with the guy, he has severe insecurity or trust issues, or what have you...

 

I just thought it would be common courtesy for a man or a woman to an existing partner to not make them feel uneasy or that they had to "test" their capability to handle it, or some other shyt...I just could never see any issue with politely refusing to go out with the opposite sex person, using the reasoning that you don't want to create a problem for the current mate...

 

Makes no sense to me, but I have seen it a lot-not so much in real life, but on here plenty...

 

TFY

 

See, the above just does not happen in the real world when you are in a relationship without someone questioning your integrity.

I'm not out of the norm here either.

 

I know very few people personally and even casually who wouldn't think this kind of thing is disrespectful or even cheating.

 

I know very few people in relationships who go to parties or happy hr or out to see bands without their significant other's even when it's work related.

 

Those few that do, do it to get away from their BF's and GF's so they can get some strange or they just don't like their significant other all that much and are out looking for something better.

[road]

It was a date. No matter how it is spun it is still a date.

 

 

The old she/he had an extra ticket, it was a same to waste such an expensive ticket. That is just piling on the excuses. Another words false justification.

 

 

She had no same sex friends to ask, no sisters, no brothers, cousins, mom, dad, same sex co-workers to ask?

 

 

Oh I'll just ask the male co-worker that I fancy and he fancy's me to go and pretend there is no other motive then to not waste a ticket.

[central]

If it was dinner and the event, I wouldn't be upset, nor would my wife. If it is a recurring kind of thing, it would be a problem if I wasn't included. It wouldn't matter if there was prior interest - I trust that boundaries can be observed and I know that I can maintain them. Yes, express your discomfort, but unless there is more going on, let it go. It may have been that someone else cancelled last minute so she asked him for lack of anyone else who'd be really interested.

[elaine567]

It was a date. No matter how it is spun it is still a date.

 

I agree and the fact she didn't know he was attached, means she wasted the ticket, a ticket she could have given to some single guy who was actually interested in the game, instead of some attached guy who didn't have the balls to tell her he had a gf.

[Timshel]

I agree and the fact she didn't know he was attached, means she wasted the ticket, a ticket she could have given to some single guy who was actually interested in the game, instead of some attached guy who didn't have the balls to tell her he had a gf.

 

Hypothetically, he did not tell gf because he is in the game...

[Miss Clavel]

maybe you should go on a date and see how he likes it. esp. if you two are not living together.

 

i would not talk to him about it all. it's all been "said". he is free to go wherever with whomever.

 

and so are you.

 

you are worth more than a ticket to an event he is not even into, let him see how it feels.

 

i would say that if it were his team playing in the big game, i might understand, the once. but it's not.

 

he knows full well that his coworker is interested in him and he doesn't care.

 

i could even understand if they had gone in a group.

 

i do not believe that single members of the opposite sex can be "friends" with people in relationships.

 

it's not happening. no way i'm staying home while my committed monogamous boyfriend goes anywhere at night alone with a member of the opposite sex that's single. flirty or otherwise.

 

good luck

[NuevoYorko]

Quote:

Originally Posted by NuevoYorko View Post

The hypothetical guy was honest and told the hypothetical girlfriend all about it

 

Are you implying that because he was upfront about going that there is no ill intent? Because affairs start all the time with people who are right under our noses, in the open, as well.

 

No, not at all. None of us can have a clue about his intent, and neither can the OP. All we know is that he chose to tell his girlfriend that he did this, and she can easily train him to never ever tell her anything like that again. It's in her own best interests not to do that, unless she is ready to dump him here and now for this transgression.

 

 

 

Personally, I don't buy the whole "if you trust" thing as immunity to putting yourself in tempting situations.

 

If you give up booze and make a promise to stay sober, why would you go sit at your favourite pub every weekend watching others get **** faced? You're either a sucker for punishment or want to break your promise.

That would be a fine analogy if the guy went to games with other women every weekend. Evidently this was a one time thing.

 

This is less about having friends of the opposite sex and more about going out on a "harmless outing" with someone that has a history of flirting with you and that you have confessed to also find them sexually exciting, and that can prove to be quite harmful.

 

It's common sense to avoid a situation like that like the plague. There is no excusing it for the simple reason that your partner already has justified fears around that situation/person. It's disrespectful to your partner in the very least.

Well and good. So you are advocating that the hypothetical woman should dump this guy? If not, what do you think she should do?

[phineas]

 

Well and good. So you are advocating that the hypothetical woman should dump this guy? If not, what do you think she should do?

 

Considering he waited until the last minute to tell his GF and he admitted he wanted her?

 

Well i cant tell others what to do but i can tell you i was seeing someone over the summer.

They wanted to be exclusive.

I told them my terms.

 

No Exes.

No going out alone with her guy friends who just want to sleep with her (she is hot and allows them to pay every time and then they of course hit on her).

 

Normally i don't date women like that but she was hot and I enjoyed her company.

 

Things were fine until she decided she wanted to go out to dinner with an ex.

an ex she claimed she had once loved and who had done drugs and ended up hitting her. He also abused her mentally always telling her she had to lose weight, putting her down ect.

 

She decided to do this on the one night we both didn't have kids and always did something.

 

i didn't tell her she couldn't go.

She already new my terms for exclusive relationship and tried to explain why she wanted to go without me even saying anything.

Said he had a new GF he was moving away with and she wasn't interested in getting back together with him.

Blah,blah,blah.

 

apparently she had been talking to him for a while.

 

I said nothing, she went and I cut her off.

 

No way am I going to tolerate that kind of thing.

It's disrespectful.

Dinner with an ex who hit you and treated you like crap?

Really? LOL!

 

And she had a hissy fit every time a woman i used to hangout with would hit me up wanting to come over and hang out or go see a band.

 

I told those women I was taken and couldn't every time.

Willing to bet she never told ex she was with someone.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Quote:

No, not at all. None of us can have a clue about his intent, and neither can the OP. All we know is that he chose to tell his girlfriend that he did this, and she can easily train him to never ever tell her anything like that again. It's in her own best interests not to do that, unless she is ready to dump him here and now for this transgression.

 

The OP stated clearly that in this hypothetical scenario the guy has confessed to having fantasies about this co-worker who has been outwardly flirting with him and showing interested. Plus he when he accepted to go to this thing with her he refrained from telling her he is already in a relationship. Plus he did this while the OP was away travelling.

 

Yes you are right, we are not in his head nor can we say with certainty what his intent is but since we are all speculating on a hypothetical situation:

 

What do you supposed this guy was doing at a sporting event (which he has 0 interest in ) with "Flirty Work Babe Barbie?" There for the hotdogs?

 

C'mon!!

 

 

That would be a fine analogy if the guy went to games with other women every weekend. Evidently this was a one time thing.

 

You're right maybe that was a bad analogy.

 

How about a guy gives up drinking because he's an alcoholic and decides to go hang out at his favourite pub on a night where the pub is hosting and open bar for the all regulars all night long?

 

My point is, why go out of your way to put yourself in the arms of temptation?

 

 

Well and good. So you are advocating that the hypothetical woman should dump this guy? If not, what do you think she should do?

 

For me, that would definitely be grounds for saying this isn't what I signed up for you seem to have no issue concealing our relationship the minute I have to be away travelling, and going on a date with your office crush. You might as well be single. Ya I would break up with him!!

 

This isn't a fight worth fighting for. If he can't see what is wrong with that picture then we are not compatible and have different morals. I would never subject a man to that kind of situation. Heck I've even turned down drives home from male coworkers who I felt had special interest in me while in a relationship. I try not to do anything that could be construed as giving someone the green light when I don't intend on following through with it. But that's not the question nor does it matter what I would do. Maybe best to ask the OP what she would do in that scenario.

[preraph]

It is what it is. If you want more of this from him, then don't break up and just stay there and put up with anything he throws at you. If you don't want a relationship where you're the only faithful one, then break up and find someone who wants to be with just you.