Hypothetical scenario: BF going to sports game with female coworker

November 25, 2016

Just a general question unrelated to any of my previous posts/relationships/men I've dated (so please, no accusations that I have gone back to someone I've dated, as that is NOT the case), and more to get a sense of how to shape up my expectations in the future about some scenarios that some of my female friends have experienced in their relationships :

If you've been dating someone for some time (let's say over 6 months or so), and you go away on a trip, only for your BF to tell you the day before you come back, that he had gone to see a sports game with a female colleague (who has been previously flirty with him/whom he has previously had the hots for, at least as some sort of fantasy, not necessarily in an "I wanna date her or have sex with her " kind of way). It was his first experience watching a live match (something you might have wanted to experience together, even if can't afford such an expensive ticket for yourselves), and he would claim that she invited him and he couldn't refuse because the ticket was worth $300. This was on a Saturday night, and there was eating involved as well (at the game, presumably). The first you heard of this is when he texted you from the game to let you know he had been out, and at first did not tell you he had gone with that female coworker but you assumed it and he did not deny it and later confirms it.

What would your reaction be, and why?

How far would you take it? Break up? Tell him you feel hurt ? Not say anything?

And if supposedly it's true that he is NOT interested in her, but SHE might be... how would you handle this situation??? If it is to be repeated... in another (different) scenario....

Good/bad if he acknowledges that it was not the right thing to do, but says there was no real solution as he did not want to waste a $300 ticket (that he had not paid for ,nor she for that matter)? That he would've done it anyway, knowing that it would hurt you, and that he did not let you know that he was going, ahead of time, because he knew you would be upset and did not want to ruin your time away?

Player or nice guy just trying to live a little ?

Is reacting negatively = controlling and insecure?

Edited November 25, 2016 by NoMoreJerks

November 25, 2016

I would tell him it makes me uncomfortable and no more hanging out like this and let it go.

November 25, 2016

If you've been dating someone for some time (let's say over 6 months or so), and you go away on a trip, only for your BF to tell you the day before you come back, that he had gone to see a sports game with a female colleague (who has been previously flirty with him/whom he has previously had the hots for, at least as some sort of fantasy, not necessarily in an "I wanna date her or have sex with her " kind of way). It was his first experience watching a live match (something you might have wanted to experience together, even if can't afford such an expensive ticket for yourselves), and he would claim that she invited him and he couldn't refuse because the ticket was worth $300. This was on a Saturday night, and there was eating involved as well (at the game, presumably). The first you heard of this is when he texted you from the game to let you know he had been out, and at first did not tell you he had gone with that female coworker but you assumed it and he did not deny it and later confirms it.

What would your reaction be, and why?

There are many different variables that you don't address to make this a black or white scenario -- i.e. how is our relationship, does he treat me well, am I secure in the relationship, have I met the co-worker, had he hung out with the coworker as friends in the past before he met me, is it typical for him to hang out with her or other coworkers, was this preplanned and he didn't tell me or was it a last minute thing, etc.

Overall, assuming my relationship with him is going well, I don't think this would bother me. I don't really consider going to a game to be a big deal, and if he's a big fan and had never been live, I would actually probably be happy for him that he got to go to the game.

How far would you take it? Break up? Tell him you feel hurt ? Not say anything?

None of the above. You're assuming everyone would have a problem with this.

And if supposedly it's true that he is NOT interested in her, but SHE might be... how would you handle this situation??? If it is to be repeated... in another (different) scenario....

Same answer, assuming I trust him, and she knows he has a girlfriend.

Good/bad if he acknowledges that it was not the right thing to do, but says there was no real solution as he did not want to waste a $300 ticket (that he had not paid for ,nor she for that matter)? That he would've done it anyway, knowing that it would hurt you, and that he did not let you know that he was going, ahead of time, because he knew you would be upset and did not want to ruin your time away?

Player or nice guy just trying to live a little ?

Is reacting negatively = controlling and insecure?

This is N/A to my answer. I don't necessarily think it was the wrong thing to do or that he did anything wrong. (But again...too many possible variables to say for sure.) I would honestly feel terrible if a guy I was dating felt he had to hide what he was doing from me (assuming it's innocent and he just wanted to go to the game) because he thought I couldn't handle it. I personally find that behavior controlling and insecure.

November 25, 2016

There is a part of everyone that takes issue with a significant other hanging out with a member of the opposite sex. It's basically an ingrained survival skill as we're geared towards looking at the worst case scenario and trying to control it in order to avoid being hurt.

From what you have said, I don't believe that he had any ill intentions when he went to this game. He got a free ticket, it was a rare chance for him to see the game and he went with the female co-worker. Maybe things would have been different if you had the chance to express your discomfort with this outing but I don't know that it would have been fair to him to broach the subject, given the circumstance.

These situations are rarely black and white as there are many variables involved here. You've stated that you trust him but that you do not trust her as she has been "flirty" in the past. This is a hard subject to broach with a significant other as it's a Catch-22. You'll tell them that you're uncomfortable because you don't trust the friend or co-worker but that still puts your boyfriend on the spot. He could feel like his judgment is being questioned and will wonder if you actually do trust him. There's nothing wrong with saying that it bothers you but you need to be careful about how you go about it:

"Hey, I know that you really wanted to see this game but there is a part of me that isn't comfortable with your co-worker. I know that you don't have ill-intentions but it seems like she flirts with you at times and that is upsetting for me. I don't know if how you feel about itt but could you include me when if you are spending time together? I would feel better about your friendship with her if I could see how she acts around you."

As you can see, nothing in the above statement is accusatory, it doesn't set ultimatums and you've presented the problem and along with a reasonable solution. Now a mature partner with good judgement will either include you when they hang-out with the female co-worker or they will hear that it's bothering you and limit their contact. You may open his eyes a little bit with with regards to how she interacts with him. He may not recognize that her behavior with him is inappropriate given that he's in a relationship.

I would say that you have a problem on your hands if they react badly to how you communicated your feelings. Because that is what this is all about: him understanding that their friendship puts you on edge and putting those feelings and your relationship before his co-worker.

November 25, 2016

gone to see a sports game with a female colleague (who has been previously flirty with him/whom he has previously had the hots for...

...and he would claim that she invited him and he couldn't refuse because the ticket was worth $300.

So he went because he fell into a free ticket and it was an awesome opportunity, notwithstanding the fact that he was invited by a hot female colleague who has the hots for him, and who he think is hot and fantasizes about, yada, yada.

If I were in your position and a girlfriend did the same thing, I'd not be happy about it. Basically he accepted a date with a woman that he works with and has sexual chemistry with... and claims it was because the ticket was so valuable.

If you let this go (or perhaps even if you don't) you can probably expect them to find reasons to go on more dates, and you know what will happen eventually, right? Yes, she's a threat to your relationship.

If your relationship is strong otherwise and he has always been trustworthy, the maybe it's a one-time thing that won't happen again (if you express you intolerance well). But if it's been hanging by a thread and causing you distress then maybe this is the straw that broke the camel's back.

Up to you how you handle it. So the point is that while the $300 value of the ticket might mean something to him, it makes no difference to you how much it cost or where they went... it all just feels like he went on a date with someone who is more than just a colleague.

November 25, 2016

yeah, i'd expect to be out of a GF if I ever pulled a stunt like that.

Seriously.

I would never do that to a woman I was dating that I wanted to stick around and I'd expect the same from any woman I was dating.

The only place it seems appropriate for people in relationships to go on dates with people of the opposite sex is LS.

Even if the people involved lack the self-respect to not tolerate that crap the people around them along with friends and family will raise eyebrows and lose respect for the person going out with other people and the person tolerating it.

The free expensive tickets is just an excuse to justify putting yourself in a situation where sex can happen.

Both men and women do this.

Usually women have more opportunities because there are more men out there who have money to burn.

I knew a woman who was meeting a guy she had just started dating at a bar after work.

One of the executives approached her and bought her a few drinks.

She completely ignored her date and he left.

Her excuse "well he's one of the top guys in the company, i couldn't just brush him off"

then she said she felt bad for her date and reached out to him and he told her off by telling her he thought she was a better person than that and she decided he was a "creep".

The thing is she 100% knew she was in the wrong but decided to pretend she had no clue in order to justify her actions.

The truth is she just didn't care if she lost the guy she was with.

November 25, 2016

yeah, i'd expect to be out of a GF if I ever pulled a stunt like that. Seriously. I would never do that to a woman I was dating that I wanted to stick around and I'd expect the same from any woman I was dating.

Exactly. This whole notion of platonic, opposite sex friends is almost always bull$h!t. It doesn't matter if they're colleagues or were friends before you started dating. It's extremely rare for these so called platonic friendships to actually be platonic. It's not coincidental that these platonic friends happen to be attractive and meet the criteria for a romantic interest. That's because they're actually backup/upgrade options (women), or extracurricular/upgrade options (men).

Often the one in the bush is deemed worthy of risking the one in hand, but for those who tend to employ this strategy, if they can have both at once all the better. How it makes their partner feel is way down the list. It's a risk-benefit equation for them (perhaps not consciously). My suggestion is don't waste your time on people who have no boundaries in this regard. It's always going to cause you to be uneasy, and it limits the potential depth of any relationship they have... it's always at the expense of the relationship and their partner.

November 25, 2016

The hypothetical guy was honest and told the hypothetical girlfriend all about it. If she is going to make his life hell over it she might as well just go ahead and break up, because she will have trained him to NEVER tell her of anything like that again in their relationship. That said, she certainly can speak for herself, saying something along the lines of "I feel uncomfortable with you going out one on one with another woman;" ONE time, clearly, and let him do with it what he will. If he keeps doing it, he doesn't really care that much about how it makes her feel and it's probably not a good relationship for her.

Does she trust him in general or have their been issues in the past? If he already knows that she wouldn't be ok with this, it's a different story.

The fact that it was Saturday night, food, the cost of the ticket, etc. etc. etc. are not important.

Going to "player or nice guy wanting to live a little" is just out of left field.

For the record, I don't agree that men and women can't have friendships. I have experience with friendships with people of a different gender; however, if you don't believe that they're possible you'll be sadly incompatible with someone who thinks that they are.

November 25, 2016

he is not devoted to the girlfriend, he might love her in a way, but is not devoted

if my boyf did this, I would quietly look elsewhere, but I am cynical

November 25, 2016

I don't agree that men and women can't have friendships. I have experience with friendships with people of a different gender; however, if you don't believe that they're possible you'll be sadly incompatible with someone who thinks that they are.

I don't think it's impossible, it's just rare that it's actually a friendship as opposed to a backup strategy, titillation, or grooming for whatever sexual fantasy they happen to be indulging.

I guess it's probably true that opposites on this perspective are incompatible. I definitely don't want to be dating anyone who's dating others under the guise of friendship. However, someone who actually knows the difference, maintains boundaries and makes me the priority... that could work. But still, I'd rather be the only guy she goes on dates with.

I think it's funny to watch people trying to wordsmith their rationalizations to make it all sound perfectly acceptable, when all they're doing is dating several and calling it platonic because they're not having sex with them (yet).

November 25, 2016

If my boyfriend did something like this I'd definitely rethink that relationship. That's inconsiderate of him and just inviting unnecessary drama into the relationship. I don't know anyone that would be ok with that.

As negative of an emotion as jealousy is there's definitely a time and place for it and this is it.

November 25, 2016

I think it's funny to watch people trying to wordsmith their rationalizations to make it all sound perfectly acceptable, when all they're doing is dating several and calling it platonic because they're not having sex with them (yet).

That must be a serious problem in an alternate reality where I don't live. Or maybe it's that I'm old and left that kind of insecurity behind me decades ago.

In some relationships and circumstances the hypothetical scenario between the two hypothetical people in the OP would be fine. OP - clearly not fine for YOU. Even though this is not your relationship, if it didn't bug you tremendously you would not have posted it in the way you did. For YOU, it should be a deal breaker, but not necessarily for everybody.

November 25, 2016

The hypothetical guy was honest and told the hypothetical girlfriend all about it

Are you implying that because he was upfront about going that there is no ill intent? Because affairs start all the time with people who are right under our noses, in the open, as well.

Does she trust him in general or have their been issues in the past? If he already knows that she wouldn't be ok with this, it's a different story.

Personally, I don't buy the whole "if you trust" thing as immunity to putting yourself in tempting situations.

If you give up booze and make a promise to stay sober, why would you go sit at your favourite pub every weekend watching others get **** faced? You're either a sucker for punishment or want to break your promise.

This is less about having friends of the opposite sex and more about going out on a "harmless outing" with someone that has a history of flirting with you and that you have confessed to also find them sexually exciting, and that can prove to be quite harmful.

It's common sense to avoid a situation like that like the plague. There is no excusing it for the simple reason that your partner already has justified fears around that situation/person. It's disrespectful to your partner in the very least.

November 25, 2016

Wow, thanks for the responses, and interesting discussion and different insights!

The scenario as I put it, assumes that the guy is not interested in the sport, but just wanted to go because it's something he's never done (go to a live sports game), plus the ticket was free ($300 ticket). It's not like he adores the sport and had always wanted to go. He's not a sports type of guy, for starters. Would the whole argument that "it was free, and I wanted to see what it was like" fly, and justify the fact that he went on a very date-like activity with the flirty co-worker? I mean, I can understand if the guy was super into the sport... and who would say no to a $300 ticket to their favorite sport/team? (OK, I would have, if I knew I would be going out with a man who was flirty with me, and it was an activity that would open the way to more flirting/sexual advances, etc. if I were with my BF and especially if I knew that my BF was out of town and I was kinda like the mice that play when the cat's away) -- but let's assume that most people would not have turned down such an offer if they were interested in the sport... but he wasn't, in this scenario... what explains his willingness to still go? Is the whole "I want to experience a live match," a legit excuse?

Also, the co-worker does not know he has a gf, in this scenario.

November 25, 2016

Are you implying that because he was upfront about going that there is no ill intent? Because affairs start all the time with people who are right under our noses, in the open, as well.

Indeed, I am in agreement with this, based on my experiences -- the best hidden thing is that which is not hidden at all. It's a psychological thing -- where if you provide half the truth, it will throw sand in the eye of the person, who will then think you've got nothing to hide.

November 25, 2016

Wow, thanks for the responses, and interesting discussion and different insights!

The scenario as I put it, assumes that the guy is not interested in the sport, but just wanted to go because it's something he's never done (go to a live sports game), plus the ticket was free ($300 ticket). It's not like he adores the sport and had always wanted to go. He's not a sports type of guy, for starters. Would the whole argument that "it was free, and I wanted to see what it was like" fly, and justify the fact that he went on a very date-like activity with the flirty co-worker? I mean, I can understand if the guy was super into the sport... and who would say no to a $300 ticket to their favorite sport/team? (OK, I would have, if I knew I would be going out with a man who was flirty with me, and it was an activity that would open the way to more flirting/sexual advances, etc. if I were with my BF and especially if I knew that my BF was out of town and I was kinda like the mice that play when the cat's away) -- but let's assume that most people would not have turned down such an offer if they were interested in the sport... but he wasn't, in this scenario... what explains his willingness to still go? Is the whole "I want to experience a live match," a legit excuse?

Also, the co-worker does not know he has a gf, in this scenario.

Ok so let me get this straight, my guy goes to a sporting event he's not even remotely interested in, with a work babe he has been sizing up in his head, who flirts with him all the time, and who doesn't even know I exsit? And I know this?

Hellz to the NO!

Does this guy only work with Fantasy Work Babe Barbie? he has NO other friends at work that would/could accompany him instead?

November 25, 2016

Ok so let me get this straight, my guy goes to a sporting event he's not even remotely interested in, with a work babe he has been sizing up in his head, who flirts with him all the time, and who doesn't even know I exsit? And I know this?

Hellz to the NO!

Does this guy only work with Fantasy Work Babe Barbie? he has NO other friends at work that would/could accompany him instead?

Well, she was the one who had the ticket, not him. She invited him, and he accepted the invite. If she had not invited him, he would not have gone and bought a ticket. The question is, does she not have any female or other male friends to invite? Of all the people, her choice falls on the BF? And that does not seem sketchy to the BF, who denies that this is an indication of interest, at least from HER part. Apparently , it is perfectly normal for him to get invited by the girl.

November 25, 2016

Ya same difference. The fact she didn't have other friends to take isn't your guy's responsibility. Of course he'll be all over going to that, any guy would be, but to act on it is another story.

Knowing what he knows about her his part was to say "thanks but I'm busy that night" Out of respect to you, the relationship, and out of respect to himself being and inviting a sketchy situation.

November 25, 2016

I would not be happy at all. It's just a matter of respect and consideration. If it was a totally platonic opposite sex friend then it wouldn't be such a big deal, but the fact that not only has she expressed interest in him, but he in her (regardless of whether it was 'in the past' or not) makes it a definite no go. Particularly having done it while she's out of town without revealing who he was going with straight away. My best friend is male so i'm not even adverse to platonic opposite sex friendships, but this particular situation crosses a bit of a line.

Since it's still a fairly new relationship I don't think she can be terribly.. angry. But it's an indicator of his level of seriousness and respect for her feelings. Has she expressed an irritation with this particular girl in the past? Does he know that she feels uncomfortable with her already? Was it just the two of them alone?

November 25, 2016

Also, the co-worker does not know he has a gf, in this scenario.

OK so not only does he go to the match with this girl behind his gfs back, he omits to tell this girl that he has a gf.

I am sure she would rather have given the ticket to someone else had she known he was not single.

He sounds like a lovely guy....

November 25, 2016

Oh.. I missed a couple of things. The fact that he hasn't said that he has a girlfriend and the fact that they were alone are two major strikes against him...

I don't think I'd continue dating him. Not that that amounts to cheating per se, but all of that behaviour just amounts to a lack of respect and consideration for both girls feelings. Seems immature or unsure of what he wants.

November 25, 2016

Great that he was upfront and honest but probably was because he's smart enough to know that it would eventually come out.

He should have declined and said he has a GF and should be planning on doing something like that with his GF. If his GF is not willing to do things that interest him, then the relationship should be ended.

He's in the wrong, this coming from a guys point of view

November 25, 2016

Great that he was upfront and honest but probably was because he's smart enough to know that it would eventually come out.

He should have declined and said he has a GF and should be planning on doing something like that with his GF. If his GF is not willing to do things that interest him, then the relationship should be ended.

He's in the wrong, this coming from a guys point of view

Waiting until the girlfriend was about to hop on a plane to tell her is not up front & honest in my book unless he just found out before he told her.

He waited till the last min. because he knew she'd have a conniption.

November 26, 2016

That must be a serious problem in an alternate reality where I don't live. Or maybe it's that I'm old and left that kind of insecurity behind me decades ago.

In some relationships and circumstances the hypothetical scenario between the two hypothetical people in the OP would be fine. OP - clearly not fine for YOU. Even though this is not your relationship, if it didn't bug you tremendously you would not have posted it in the way you did. For YOU, it should be a deal breaker, but not necessarily for everybody.

Well, I've been around the block a few time myself, so don't think age is the reason. Alternate reality? Perhaps, but I wonder which of us is actually in the alt reality and which the primary. But yea, two diametrically opposed perspectives, both having evolutionary explanations

If you go over and browse the infidelity forum you'll find thread after thread where coworkers, best friends, and first degree relatives have encroached, women having babies by affair partners and tying to decide whether to tell the husband or let him believe, you know... this $hit happens every day.

Humans are not inherently monogamous. If you've figured out a way to ensure that you aren't proliferating the milk man's genes, then please do share the magic formula. Or perhaps you're one of those who just doesn't mind sharing your mate? I realize there are all varieties, but I think they're the in the alt reality, not those of us who expect exclusivity.

November 26, 2016

If the guy hasn't told the co-worker about the girlfriend after 6+ months, then he is obviously not invested in the relationship and is keeping his options open, if not already cheating. I would question why the girl in your hypothetical is even wasting her time with this guy in the first place. Him attending a sporting event is the least of her problems.

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Hypothetical scenario: BF going to sports game with female coworker

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