Lights Posted July 14, 2005 Posted July 14, 2005 I met someone earlier this week by commenting on her shirt. She was surprised because apparently I was the first person to actually get the joke written on it. Attempts to further the conversation didn't really work though, and she didn't make any attempt to get to know anything about me, so I simply ended the conversation and disappeared. In one sense it's good that the approach actually got a response (where I'm from, most people of either gender don't even respond to a friendly hi and are dead terrified of speaking to anyone who's not in their little "urban tribe"), but I'm interested in actual interest. What makes for an attractive approach as opposed to merely a tolerable one?
laRubiaBonita Posted July 14, 2005 Posted July 14, 2005 in your case attractive because you got the joke that she must have gotten to get the shirt. But then after conversing it was seemingly obvious to you that this woman was not what you thought/ were hoping/ ect...... which lead to intolerable on your part, so you left. Good for you. why prolonge the inevitable?
A Fly onThe Wall Posted July 14, 2005 Posted July 14, 2005 Originally posted by Lights What makes for an attractive approach as opposed to merely a tolerable one? I think that a tolerable approach is one that comes across as non-threatening. When you approched her about the shirt that was a non-threat approach. She wasn't affraid to be open with you because your intentions didn't look like you were trying to seperate her from her panties. The key is taking it from an attractive approach to closing the deal and getting the digits
Author Lights Posted July 14, 2005 Author Posted July 14, 2005 Originally posted by LaRubiaBonita in your case attractive because you got the joke that she must have gotten to get the shirt. But then after conversing it was seemingly obvious to you that this woman was not what you thought/ were hoping/ ect...... which lead to intolerable on your part, so you left. Good for you. why prolonge the inevitable? Thanks, LaRubiaBonita. I was wondering about that because if she liked the approach I would have thought she would have actually tried to ask me something at all. But as you pointed out, hey, it's over anyways. Originally posted by A Fly onThe Wall I think that a tolerable approach is one that comes across as non-threatening. When you approched her about the shirt that was a non-threat approach. She wasn't affraid to be open with you because your intentions didn't look like you were trying to seperate her from her panties. Good thing I left her behind then...I can only imagine what a closed-minded, unadventurous woman she must have been if separating her from her panties is a big problem. For that matter, sex can be had with clothes only partially removed... As far as non-threatening goes, I don't remember having been in a situation where I needed to threaten a woman, so I don't think this is what's going on--no one around was hostile. The key is taking it from an attractive approach to closing the deal and getting the digits What makes for an attractive approach then, and what are high-percentage methods of closing the deal?
laRubiaBonita Posted July 14, 2005 Posted July 14, 2005 Originally posted by Lights What makes for an attractive approach then, and what are high-percentage methods of closing the deal? well, i just do not think that the chemistry was there....which would be why you ended it. if the convo actually DID go somewhere.....what would have ben you strategy to prolong the relationship?
Author Lights Posted July 17, 2005 Author Posted July 17, 2005 Originally posted by laRubiaBonita well, i just do not think that the chemistry was there....which would be why you ended it. if the convo actually DID go somewhere.....what would have ben you strategy to prolong the relationship? I agree with you. I'm really not into walking into rejections from someone who's not interested enough to get to know me, nor battle through two- or three-exchange "conversations" from someone who's not very socially advanced (or any combination of the two!). I'm asking simply for future reference--so for the next time I see someone I might like, I will know what approaches will actually attract them. I don't really know how I'd prolong anything if the conversation worked out. Asking her for her phone number would be the next logical step, but I don't really know how to do that in an effective manner. (It's been some years since directly asking had any effect besides yet another refusal, and offering my own number has never got a response in my lifetime so far.)
Angelina1433 Posted July 18, 2005 Posted July 18, 2005 Well, if the "conversation works out", I think what's most effective is a guy being confident. Just say, "I know you're such a social butterfly - what are you doing this weekend?" or something along those lines. Ask in a way that doesn't make you seem like you want to hang out with her if you feel like you might be rejected. If she says something like, "Why, what are you doing?" (even after she says she's doing something), then that probably means she's fishing to find out if you are going to ask her to hang out with you. If she doesn't want you to ask her to hang with you, she'll say she's going on a date, or something that makes it impossible for you to ask her to hang out with you. Belive me, I've told men that I'm not interested in that I'm going out on dates when I've actually enjoyed a nice pinot and a chick flick.
Bacardi Silver Posted July 18, 2005 Posted July 18, 2005 Originally posted by Angelina1433 Belive me, I've told men that I'm not interested in that I'm going out on dates when I've actually enjoyed a nice pinot and a chick flick. Why can't you girls just tell us the TRUTH. Are you afraid of hurting our feelings or something. We can take it. I'd rather get a straight answer than you feeding us false hope.
Angelina1433 Posted July 18, 2005 Posted July 18, 2005 Sorry, I don't make it a habit of "lying", but I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings that may be persuing me. If a guy told me he had a date when I asked him what he was doing this weekend, I'd stop asking him, and get the hint. If he told me "I'm not interested in you," I'd be embarrased to see him, let alone ever speak to him again.
Bacardi Silver Posted July 19, 2005 Posted July 19, 2005 But sometimes when you give certain excuses like "I'll be busy that night" these guys get false hope and still chase you. Then you end up breaking their heart and you end up looking bad in his eyes and his friends. Then you could get a bad rep. But if you would have been honest with them in the 1st place, then he will get the point and you dont have to worry about all that other stuff.
scratch Posted July 19, 2005 Posted July 19, 2005 Originally posted by Bacardi Silver But sometimes when you give certain excuses like "I'll be busy that night" these guys get false hope and still chase you. Then you end up breaking their heart and you end up looking bad in his eyes and his friends. Then you could get a bad rep. But if you would have been honest with them in the 1st place, then he will get the point and you dont have to worry about all that other stuff. If she flat out tells a guy that she cannot get together with him because she has a date, it shouldn't create false hope. You're right in that "I'd love to, but I can't this Friday because I have work, maybe some other time" is cowardly and manipulative, but it is possible to be kind without lying, e.g. "I have a boyfriend" or "I don't date guys I meet at [wherever we met]. To the OP, there is no such thing as a universally attractive approach. The best you can do is be non-threatening and create an environment in which the woman feels comfortable. She will make up her mind as to whether you are attractive, and her comfort is one key factor in that. Your shirt comment was excellent, as are comments about a book she has or things that happen in front of you. Generally, they funnier the opening is, the better. But if your shirt opener didn't work, it's unlikely that anything would have. Keep doing what you're doing.
loony Posted July 19, 2005 Posted July 19, 2005 Originally posted by Lights Good thing I left her behind then...I can only imagine what a closed-minded, unadventurous woman she must have been if separating her from her panties is a big problem. For that matter, sex can be had with clothes only partially removed... But you are open-minded and adventurous? Were you not the one who complained that he didn't get approached by any modern attractive woman? Don't you think you set your standards a little bit, a teeny-weeny tiny little bit, too high?
Author Lights Posted July 19, 2005 Author Posted July 19, 2005 Everyone, thanks for the responses. Originally posted by loony But you are open-minded and adventurous? Were you not the one who complained that he didn't get approached by any modern attractive woman? Don't you think you set your standards a little bit, a teeny-weeny tiny little bit, too high? I never worry about whether my standards are low or high, only whether they are just. It would be pure hypocrisy and stupidity if I were to have expected the approaches and never have done any approaching myself, but that's far from being the case--I do plenty of approaching in both dating- and non-dating-related contexts, and involving both genders for the latter. Likewise with modernity as well--since I do not have any reason to suspect myself to be old-fashioned, in my opinion modernity as a preference is equally legitimate for me to hold as a standard. But this is a matter for another post thread--let's prevent any thread hijacking and keep any further discussion of this out of here.
crazy_grl Posted July 19, 2005 Posted July 19, 2005 Originally posted by Lights I was wondering about that because if she liked the approach I would have thought she would have actually tried to ask me something at all. I might not have been your approach at all, but the person you were approaching. She might have been preoccupied, not a social person, just not interested in getting to know someone at that moment, or just didn't find you attractive. Perhaps if you'd tried that kind of approach with someone else or even the same person on a different day, you might have gotten a better response. I don't think you can get much better of an approach than what you described, so don't second guess yourself because this one girl wasn't into opening up to you at that moment. When you approach people, sometimes the conversation works out. Sometimes it doesn't. Just don't try to push it when it doesn't by asking people who are showing no interest for their numbers. It'll only damage your ego. In this case, you did well by recognizing that she wasn't asking about you or showing interest and you walked away without trying to push. I think you're doing fine. You just have to approach more people to have more success.
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