Thanksgiving after infidelity

[road]

I'm late to this thread, Thanksgiving has come and gone, but I can give you the perspective from the other point of view. Unlike women, who seem to want to protect their WH, men throw the women to the wolves. From the very beginning, my H delighted in telling everyone under the sun what I did (leaving out his own transgression) and it continues to this day.

 

My inlaws know for a year now, so I am used to that, but the extended family did not know. However, Thanksgiving ended with him telling his cousin. I told his cousin that yes, we each had affairs but it was long ago now, over a year. Fun stuff. It got so bad that his cousin wanted to call the cops on him and insisted on paying for a separate hotel room for me, and I spent that night alone.

 

We made up the next morning and went on like nothing happened. That's how it is after affairs. Nothing is ever the same. Eventually you just don't give a crap who knows or what anyone thinks at all - and the truth is, people really don't care and if they judge you, you don't care. Call me names, nothing I have not heard before and will continue to hear for eternity. As the WS, it is the only way to survive in the marriage. You just have to shut down completely. Go numb.

 

 

 

 

A good post BUT one year ago IS not a long time ago. Recovery is a two to five year process.

Edited December 3, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[elaine567]

From the very beginning, my H delighted in telling everyone under the sun what I did (leaving out his own transgression) and it continues to this day.

...Thanksgiving ended with him telling his cousin. I told his cousin that yes, we each had affairs but it was long ago now, over a year. Fun stuff. It got so bad that his cousin wanted to call the cops on him and insisted on paying for a separate hotel room for me, and I spent that night alone.

 

Call me names, nothing I have not heard before and will continue to hear for eternity. As the WS, it is the only way to survive in the marriage. You just have to shut down completely. Go numb.

 

It may take a long time for people to get over affairs, but you can't be expected to live like that. That is abuse. YOU have shut down and gone numb as you are being abused.

There will be some who be crowing, "Ah but she deserved it she has to take her punishment", but that is not good for anyone's mental health and by your response to it, you are already suffering.

 

Anyone else with a husband shouting the odds enough for others to want to call the police and denigrating her to all and sundry would be out the door the next day, but you calmly spent the night alone then made up with him in the morning.

YOU are now in a detached and frozen protection mode.

Is this marriage really worth it?

Edited December 3, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Raena]

I'm late to this thread, Thanksgiving has come and gone, but I can give you the perspective from the other point of view. Unlike women, who seem to want to protect their WH, men throw the women to the wolves. From the very beginning, my H delighted in telling everyone under the sun what I did (leaving out his own transgression) and it continues to this day.

 

My inlaws know for a year now, so I am used to that, but the extended family did not know. However, Thanksgiving ended with him telling his cousin. I told his cousin that yes, we each had affairs but it was long ago now, over a year. Fun stuff. It got so bad that his cousin wanted to call the cops on him and insisted on paying for a separate hotel room for me, and I spent that night alone.

 

We made up the next morning and went on like nothing happened. That's how it is after affairs. Nothing is ever the same. Eventually you just don't give a crap who knows or what anyone thinks at all - and the truth is, people really don't care and if they judge you, you don't care. Call me names, nothing I have not heard before and will continue to hear for eternity. As the WS, it is the only way to survive in the marriage. You just have to shut down completely. Go numb.

 

Noooo... you shouldn't have to shut down and go numb. You both made mistakes yes but him running around telling people what you did and not owning up to his own part in it is not ok. Running his mouth to other people to the point of needing the police called and you needing to stay alone for the night is NOT ok. That's not reconciliation. That's just downright abusive. Making up and moving on without dealing with it is what we call "rug sweeping". I did it for many years so I have a feeling I know where you are emotionally right now. At some point soon you really need to sit down and take a long hard look at where your relationship is with him right now. Is this how you really want to live?

Edited December 3, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Noirek]

MidnightBlue - I always say WS need to put boundaries in this place for this very reason. If you allow verbal abuse of any kind it can escalate and there is no excuse for that. In light of a double betrayal it's just hypocritical. No one wants to listen to him spread your dirty laundry either. At least no one decent. This isn't the same as someone confiding in a close friend or what not. This is taking a family occasion and using it to shame you. While trying to appear the saint.

 

Just because someone cheated doesn't mean they need to silently accept verbal abuse. There is a difference between "I can't believe you did this to our family" and "you are nothing but a ______"

[Whoknew30]

MidnightBlue - I always say WS need to put boundaries in this place for this very reason. If you allow verbal abuse of any kind it can escalate and there is no excuse for that. In light of a double betrayal it's just hypocritical. No one wants to listen to him spread your dirty laundry either. At least no one decent. This isn't the same as someone confiding in a close friend or what not. This is taking a family occasion and using it to shame you. While trying to appear the saint.

 

Just because someone cheated doesn't mean they need to silently accept verbal abuse. There is a difference between "I can't believe you did this to our family" and "you are nothing but a ______"

 

Agreed to a point...but her husband has done this before. So maybe the family sees this as a pattern. Also, by reading OP other posts, she seems to be an enabler & coming from a family that had plenty of them, watching enabling behavior towards someone that has hurt your family member, can be really hard to watch. He left, not just her but their kids too, when someone crosses that line, how can her family possibly like him? I had lots of cheating in my family but no matter what (culturally) the kids come first...if anyone in my family threw their kids to the side, they would be called out by everyone at the next family function. It's hard to watch a family member be weak, be taken advantage of & to continue to be nice to the person that's doing it to them.

 

So is it abuse to call out an emotional abuser?

[Noirek]

Agreed to a point...but her husband has done this before. So maybe the family sees this as a pattern. Also, by reading OP other posts, she seems to be an enabler & coming from a family that had plenty of them, watching enabling behavior towards someone that has hurt your family member, can be really hard to watch. He left, not just her but their kids too, when someone crosses that line, how can her family possibly like him? I had lots of cheating in my family but no matter what (culturally) the kids come first...if anyone in my family threw their kids to the side, they would be called out by everyone at the next family function. It's hard to watch a family member be weak, be taken advantage of & to continue to be nice to the person that's doing it to them.

 

So is it abuse to call out an emotional abuser?

 

I'm not sure I understand your post? Or maybe you misunderstood mine. Her story took place at her in laws, his family, not hers. I was encouraging her not to accept verbal abuse from her husband which is what this is no ifs, ands or buts.

 

However if you mean because a ws "emotionaly abused" there bs they can't say no to verbal abuse I say h e double hockey sticks no. That is like saying because someone was verbally abusive they have to accept physical abuse. And one can "call out an affair" without doing what Midnightblue's husband did. You can do it without name calling and verbal insults. No one would be okay a BS beating the crap out of their WS (okay some people would be but no one who is decent) and no one should be okay with a BS being verbally abusive. Understanding? Of course, but one can be understanding without giving a green light to the behaviour.

[aileD]

Just to clarify dinner was at my side of the family.

 

I wasn't worried about anyone being abusive towards me or H because my family is not like that and neither is his. But I knew there would be awkwardness....and I know we would be judged --with good reason because as someone said my H did have a prior affair about 12 years ago. Silently judged. In my own head I hate this type of stuff. I hate being scrutinized even silently...it makes me uncomfortable and I don't like being the center of attention or drama....which has been my whole life not just because of this situation.

 

My H doesn't abuse me. Yes he did leave me and the kids this past year and we all went through a lot...but that's in the past and we are dealing with it as a family. The first affair he didn't leave me, I kicked him out.

 

No one is being mean so there's no need to stand my ground and say he's my husband and if you don't like it goodbye...my family would never do that. He just lost their trust and i felt it would be awkward to have the first time we are all together again as a holiday so close to our reconciliation. Also I know that H wasn't looking forward being the big elephant in the room either. But I know that's his problem that he created....

 

It worked out fine. Recovery is a weird thing. There's so much that comes up and so many feelings here and there and it's nice to have somewhere like here to come and journal those things off my chest and get advice from others. Everyone's got an opinion though and sometimes they're more hurtful than helpful. But I try to take what I can take from each one. Am I an enabler? I think so but I'm aware of it and it's something I'm working on....not just in marriage it in life. When he came home we said we would both need to grow personally and also together and we actually have need doing that ....but it doesn't mean it's easy and just because hard questions come up doesn't mean we are doomed either .

 

Thanks for the advice

[cocorico]

 

 

Yesterday my father comes to talk to me to find out what's going on and why I took H back and is he still cheating on me and the whole family is worried about me. says that he lost respect for my H and he won't be mean to him but isn't going to start conversations with him and H is going to have to do a lot to get my dad to feel good about him again.

 

 

Does your father know it was more than one affair, that the latest one was 18 months long and your H was living with the OW? If so, it's unsurprising he's concerned for you. If, in a few years, your daughter's H did that to her you'd also be worried about her.

[aileD]

Does your father know it was more than one affair, that the latest one was 18 months long and your H was living with the OW? If so, it's unsurprising he's concerned for you. If, in a few years, your daughter's H did that to her you'd also be worried about her.

 

Yes he knows about the first one. He doesn't know how long this recent one lasted, he knows H left to live in car with OW (H aunt told him all this).

 

I don't blame him for being concerned. Especially because I basically told him I didn't want to talk about it and I was handling things and that if / when I was ready to talk to people I would. And then I never said anything to dad and H was back home. So I understand and don't blame anyone for being concerned about me....I changed a lot in the last 18 mos....I was an empty shell and it was noticeable to people even if they didn't know why.

 

Like I said before and in another post that's not showing yet due to moderation, I just thought things would be uncomfortable and I dont like being the center of attention or concern. I just wanted to get my feelings out there and kind of work through them as part of recovery.

 

I also want to say that it's not that I didn't want to tell my family.....but things were so back and forth that I just wanted to figure things out in our marriage first. I didn't want to drag family into anything until I had an answer for myself and a decision on what we were doing to do. That option was taken away from me when my H aunt gossiped to my father about what was going on in my house (we let her live here free for a few months because her H committed suicide and she lost her home and couldn't work and was living in her car). And of course my dad told my aunts who are very gossipy too. I know it's just concern and don't feel bad toward anyone because it was a concerning situation. But Dealing with things externally when I wasn't ready to was just not easy for me at all and the anxiety of dealing with the holidays so close to beginning R.

 

Thank you all for letting me vent.

 

@midnight blue...... you shouldn't have to live like that. If Your H agreed to R, calling you names and degrading you in front of family is just a disgusting thing to do. he is not doing his part in the reconciliation process

[merrmeade]

Just to clarify dinner was at my side of the family.

 

I wasn't worried about anyone being abusive towards me or H because my family is not like that and neither is his. But I knew there would be awkwardness....and I know we would be judged --with good reason because as someone said my H did have a prior affair about 12 years ago. Silently judged. In my own head I hate this type of stuff. I hate being scrutinized even silently...it makes me uncomfortable and I don't like being the center of attention or drama....which has been my whole life not just because of this situation.

 

My H doesn't abuse me. Yes he did leave me and the kids this past year and we all went through a lot...but that's in the past and we are dealing with it as a family. The first affair he didn't leave me, I kicked him out.

 

No one is being mean so there's no need to stand my ground and say he's my husband and if you don't like it goodbye...my family would never do that. He just lost their trust and i felt it would be awkward to have the first time we are all together again as a holiday so close to our reconciliation. Also I know that H wasn't looking forward being the big elephant in the room either. But I know that's his problem that he created....

 

It worked out fine. Recovery is a weird thing. There's so much that comes up and so many feelings here and there and it's nice to have somewhere like here to come and journal those things off my chest and get advice from others. Everyone's got an opinion though and sometimes they're more hurtful than helpful. But I try to take what I can take from each one. Am I an enabler? I think so but I'm aware of it and it's something I'm working on....not just in marriage it in life. When he came home we said we would both need to grow personally and also together and we actually have need doing that ....but it doesn't mean it's easy and just because hard questions come up doesn't mean we are doomed either .

 

Thanks for the advice

wow, this is first class, aile. You have your eyes open and feet on the ground. You're ready, hopeful yet realistic.

 

I wanted to add that I would think some part of you needed that moment of support and concern from your father. You did as much as you could to keep from imposing your personal problems with your husband on the rest of your family. It was selfless and considerate, but I'm glad your father showed you that you can still lean on him. Maybe you didn't, but that show of support probably meant a lot.

 

I know when my brother expressed indignation on my behalf, one part of me worried aboutthe future between him and my husband, but mostly I finally relaxed and letgo ofa LOT of angst that my best interests were foremost for someone. That is what family is for.

[BTDT2012]

wow, this is first class, aile. You have your eyes open and feet on the ground. You're ready, hopeful yet realistic.

 

I wanted to add that I would think some part of you needed that moment of support and concern from your father. You did as much as you could to keep from imposing your personal problems with your husband on the rest of your family. It was selfless and considerate, but I'm glad your father showed you that you can still lean on him. Maybe you didn't, but that show of support probably meant a lot.

 

I know when my brother expressed indignation on my behalf, one part of me worried aboutthe future between him and my husband, but mostly I finally relaxed and letgo ofa LOT of angst that my best interests were foremost for someone. That is what family is for.

 

My family are decent people. For the most part all of us are pretty private. Some were told the full details of the infidelity, others were not. My prents are elderly, and in bad health, so I didn't tell them anything. I let my WH deal with whatever the fallout is regarding his behavior.