Lunch with a male "friend"?

[OatsAndHall]

I don't think that it's fair to jump to the conclusion that the guy she is chatting with has any intentions outside of being friends. And, I don't believe that this is a deal-breaker situation. I, personally, would take a step back and see how it progresses without trying to control anything. Let how SHE handles this friendship guide how you move forward. One of a few things happens:

 

1. The relationship is completely harmless and they're just good friends. You may need to establish a boundary when it comes to when she is communicating with him. Make sure that your time together is your time together and that the phones are put away.

 

2. The guy is out for something more and your girlfriend either recognizes it and kicks him to the curb or she doesn't. You have a serious conversation with her if it becomes clear that the middle school Romeo is being a tool. She either sees the light or she doesn't. If she doesn't then you don't need to be with her.

 

3. She decides she's madly in love with this guy, screws around on you and the relationship is done anyway. In that case, you can do better and the hell with her. You deserve better.

 

Now, obviously two out of these three scenarios could result in a break-up. But, your relationship with this girl will be great footing if you can take a step back, let her have her social life (as long as it's not impeding on your together) and you will build a foundation of trust. I know that much of this comes down to not wanting to get hurt. But there's a simple reality here: a girl can go out and cheat on you behind your back without you ever seeing it coming. Don't end what could be a good relationship over potential "what-ifs". People forget that life is more difficult in this aspect because of technology. It's much easier for a significant other to have contact with a member of the opposite sex because of texting, social media, etc..

 

I guess I say this because one of my best friends is a woman. Her and I are as close as any of my male friends but there is no romantic attachment there. We're just not compatible in terms of our lifestyles or our personalities. I will continue to have contact with her, regardless of how a girlfriend feels because there is nothing there for them to be insecure or jealous over.

[niji]

@OatsAndHall: I too have a male best friend, my SO actually has more than one female best friends. Our friends have been in our lives far longer than we have been in each other's. If we stopped seeing our friends because we are now together, that's like us leaving our siblings because of a relationship. It makes no sense.

 

But yours and my friendship with the opposite sex doesn't apply to the OP's situation. Barring unusual circumstances, people don't lose contact like that if they genuinely wanted the friendship. And when something out of the ordinary happens, it's a cause for concern. Nothing may come of it, but I just find it bizarre. My SO does lunches with female friends all the time without me, but that's because he's either away or I'm working. If I were here, free, and didn't even get a casual invitation, I wouldn't be able to help feeling offended.

[neowulf]

OP, despite what others might have you believe, you can not keep your girlfriend on a leash.

 

It's simply not possible. If she wants to bang another guy, she's going to. There is *absolutely NOTHING* you can do about it.

 

So what can you do?

 

Be cool, be confident. Be willing to trust her and be willing to be WRONG about trusting her. That's what a real man does.

 

Seriously, play it out. She cheats on you. You get hurt... and.. what? The world doesn't end. It's been two months. She's not your life. You don't have children or shared property. What exactly do you think the stakes are here?

 

Hell, at 2 months I'm barely committed to someone. Sure, I can agree I won't be sleeping around on her, but I'm hardly picking out curtains or pretending like I have a say over who she's seeing.

 

Trust me, *nothing* turns off a woman faster than insecure, controlling behavior.

 

Take a deep breath, man up and get on with it. If she cheats on you, so be it. You just dodged a bullet. If she's playing you off other men, guess what? She wasn't that into you.

 

You've got to believe you're bringing something to the table that makes *you* worth holding onto. Maybe *she's* lucky to have you. Maybe *she'll* be the one who misses out if she passes you up. Have some damn confidence in your own self worth man.

[frus69]

OP, despite what others might have you believe, you can not keep your girlfriend on a leash.

 

It's simply not possible. If she wants to bang another guy, she's going to. There is *absolutely NOTHING* you can do about it.

 

So what can you do?

 

Be cool, be confident. Be willing to trust her and be willing to be WRONG about trusting her. That's what a real man does.

 

Seriously, play it out. She cheats on you. You get hurt... and.. what? The world doesn't end. It's been two months. She's not your life. You don't have children or shared property. What exactly do you think the stakes are here?

 

Hell, at 2 months I'm barely committed to someone. Sure, I can agree I won't be sleeping around on her, but I'm hardly picking out curtains or pretending like I have a say over who she's seeing.

 

Trust me, *nothing* turns off a woman faster than insecure, controlling behavior.

 

Take a deep breath, man up and get on with it. If she cheats on you, so be it. You just dodged a bullet. If she's playing you off other men, guess what? She wasn't that into you.

 

You've got to believe you're bringing something to the table that makes *you* worth holding onto. Maybe *she's* lucky to have you. Maybe *she'll* be the one who misses out if she passes you up. Have some damn confidence in your own self worth man.

He can't prevent her from cheating but he can prevent himself from being a fool and being lied to. He has every reason to meet that guy and see for himself if there is any weird vibe between them. If there is not then he can relax and let her do her thing. But if there is, he can avoid wasting his time.

And this is not insecure and controlling, this is called setting boundaries and having a backbone. Because having frequent contact with a guy you just reconnected, is NOT OK

[neowulf]

He can't prevent her from cheating but he can prevent himself from being a fool and being lied to. He has every reason to meet that guy and see for himself if there is any weird vibe between them. If there is not then he can relax and let her do her thing. But if there is, he can avoid wasting his time.

And this is not insecure and controlling, this is called setting boundaries and having a backbone. Because having frequent contact with a guy you just reconnected, is NOT OK

 

No, he can't. If she wanted to cheat on him, she wouldn't be this obvious about it.

 

Look, let me share a personal story.

 

I dated a woman once, whom I loved very much. I remember her going out to lunch with "a friend", whom it was extremely clear to me was interested in being more than friends.

 

So what did I do? I brought up the fact I was getting strange vibes off this guy. She disagreed. So I said, "Ok, cool. I trust you".

 

Some time passes. She moves into a share house with this guy and a few other friends. Again, I feel uncomfortable, but again, I let it go.

 

So this guy eventually *does* make a move on my girl. You know what she does? Tells him to **** off, immediately tells me about it and cuts off contact with him.

 

Now, sure. She could have been cheating behind my back. Maybe I had her all wrong. But that's the *nature* of trust.

 

People get trust all wrong. They think it's "trusting" when there's actually little to no reason to be suspect. REAL trust is when you have very real cause to doubt and you *choose* to believe in that person anyway. You risk "looking the fool". You have faith.

 

Can you get burned? Absolutely. But that's the gamble you take. If you don't trust her, fine. Don't trust her. But don't lie to yourself that you do.

 

As I said, there are worst things in life than "being played the fool". It won't kill him. He's not going to lose his house over this.

[LoverofWrestling]

I have lunch sometimes with a male friend from my schooldays as we got back in touch several years ago via my ex boyfriend. I generally mention this to my husband as soon as we're considering meeting and he's never tried to stop me seeing this guy.

[olivetree]

Here is the thing about insecurity and control:

 

When you try to manage a situation such as the one you are in, by inviting yourself along, playing games or questioning her, all you do is make yourself look unattractive and the person you're worried about look all the more attractive.

[OatsAndHall]

@OatsAndHall: I too have a male best friend, my SO actually has more than one female best friends. Our friends have been in our lives far longer than we have been in each other's. If we stopped seeing our friends because we are now together, that's like us leaving our siblings because of a relationship. It makes no sense.

 

But yours and my friendship with the opposite sex doesn't apply to the OP's situation. Barring unusual circumstances, people don't lose contact like that if they genuinely wanted the friendship. And when something out of the ordinary happens, it's a cause for concern. Nothing may come of it, but I just find it bizarre. My SO does lunches with female friends all the time without me, but that's because he's either away or I'm working. If I were here, free, and didn't even get a casual invitation, I wouldn't be able to help feeling offended.

 

I agree, I would have an issue with someone popping up out of the blue like this. However, the OP has no control over what their significant other does or doesn't do and they have not been unfaithful. It takes more emotional energy to try and control the situation versus sitting back and seeing what transpires, especially given that they have only been together a few months. You really don't know where someone stands in a relationship after two months of dating, regardless of what they may say or do.

 

Now, bear in mind, that this advice is coming from someone who has had a bad habit of being a control freak in relationships. I have worked hard to avoid being so because it's unattractive and I am tired of the emotional toll that it takes on me. If I were in the OP's shoes, I would let this situation be a sign as to whether or not I wanted to continue dating this woman. I would either call things off or express my concern if things if the friendship got to the point where I was questioning her judgement or whether or not she truly wanted to be with me. On the flip side of the coin, I could be laying down the foundation of a trusting, caring relationship if her friendship with this guy doesn't turn out to be one of bad scenarios I have gone through in my head. I will say, I would expect the best but prepare for the worst by backing off a bit emotionally. But, I wouldn't be too emotionally attached after only two months of dating.

[Marc878]

Apply common sense. At only two months This is short term so far. Treat it as such.

 

If there are compatible issues you move on. I think you'll find in a lot of cases if the shoe is on the other foot it may not be so acceptable.