Lunch with a male "friend"?

[anna121]

I appreciate this as well. This is why I posted this, so I could get perspective from both sides of the table. In your opinion, when does it cross a line? Dinners? Late nights out? At what point would you draw the line?

 

This is so entirely subjective that, in my view, soliciting opinions is not that useful but here goes. My husband has absolutely no issue if I have dinner with male friends. Recently I travelled from North America to London (he joined me a couple of days later), and met up with a man I had not seen in 14 years (before I was married) and whom I had dated casually. He is now engaged and we had a lovely time catching up. My husband had no problem at all with it.

 

It goes both ways - I would have no concerns either. But that is what works for us. If one of us were markedly more jealous or uncomfortable, we would have to process it.

 

So I can tell you that by MY standards you are being unreasonable, and I would not be able to accept your wishes, but that is not what matters. There is no absolute right or wrong here. This is about interpersonal negotiation and respect.

[Conviction]

This is so entirely subjective that, in my view, soliciting opinions is not that useful but here goes. My husband has absolutely no issue if I have dinner with male friends. Recently I travelled from North America to London (he joined me a couple of days later), and met up with a man I had not seen in 14 years (before I was married) and whom I had dated casually. He is now engaged and we had a lovely time catching up. My husband had no problem at all with it.

 

It goes both ways - I would have no concerns either. But that is what works for us. If one of us were markedly more jealous or uncomfortable, we would have to process it.

 

So I can tell you that by MY standards you are being unreasonable, and I would not be able to accept your wishes, but that is not what matters. There is no absolute right or wrong here. This is about interpersonal negotiation and respect.

I see your point, but the other party is also engaged. This male friend is single, and obviously ready to mingle.

[anna121]

I agree with Gaeta - asking her to lunch on the same day she has told you about her plans is manipulative and petty. Tell her what you need from her - don't go; take me along; or whatever. Then it is up to her how to respond and up to you whether you can live with her decision.

[LD1990]

You are a crystal ball? All you do here is scare OP with your predictions. You do not address the facts here but play at extrapolating on the future.

 

Having lunch is dating now? Again you are playing fortune teller and extrapolating. You are just scaring OP.

 

That is manipulative. You would force her to break previously made plans only as a test. That is very adult, really, are you still in high school? And if she decides to honor her plans than she is a bad girlfriend, because honoring plans and sticking to our engagements is deserving of punishment in your world?

 

Cut the crap, you want to live in wonderland that's your prerogative. I'm giving the guy real world advice. Gee, I wonder what's more likely, that she'll go out with another guy once and decide "nope, never again" or that she'll keep doing it?

 

Call my method what you want, it's the best way for OP to figure out where he stands here. He's not forcing her to do anything and he's not punishing her. He's asking his damn girlfriend to go to lunch with him. If she says no, I'd rather go to lunch with some guy from middle school, he should dump her. Saying that's punishing her is ridiculous, especially considering you're also recommending he dump her. So it's a valid suggestion when you say it, but when I say it, it's punishment?

[Gaeta]

Conviction:

 

Listen, you cannot control who she is. You cannot follow her like you're the dating police. You cannot make her a mature woman that knows her place while in a relationship.

 

At first I thought this guy was a long term friend she had for years. Turned out he's just dropped on her lap and this after you met her. This changes my positions.

 

My male friends and my BF's female friends were there years before we met. There was a well established platonic friendship established well before we were in a relationship. This situation with your new girlfriend is different.

 

So, what do you have here. You have been dating 2 months. Some new dudes from her past shows up online and since then has monopolized her time with text and snap chats, now moving it to face to face time.

 

Here is what I would do if I were you. I would tell her I have nothing against her already existing male friends but once you enter an exclusive relationship you don't think it's appropriate to spend time seeking opposite-sex friendships. This is your position. You are looking for someone that is more relationship oriented and if what you have witnessed lately is how she conducts herself in a relationship than you prefer looking for a better suited partner.

 

Don't try to changer her, don't follow around as if you're the dating police and she is the only girl to date on the planet. You don't like her behavior, tell her why, tell her what is your position on new opposite-sex friendship and let her adjust or leave.

[anna121]

I see your point, but the other party is also engaged. This male friend is single, and obviously ready to mingle.

 

In point of fact, I didn't know he was engaged when we made the plans - he told me in person over our dinner (as I said, we have not seen each other in a really long time, and barely communicate on FB; he just happened to see a post about my trip and reached out). So that fact did not "alleviate" any jealously that might otherwise have been there.

 

But I don't really understand the point anyway, since this is your girlfriend who is, supposedly neither "single" nor "ready to mingle" yet you don't think it is a good enough safeguard. Right?

[Gaeta]

Call my method what you want, it's the best way for OP to figure out where he stands here. He's not forcing her to do anything and he's not punishing her. He's asking his damn girlfriend to go to lunch with him. If she says no, I'd rather go to lunch with some guy from middle school, he should dump her. Saying that's punishing her is ridiculous, especially considering you're also recommending he dump her. So it's a valid suggestion when you say it, but when I say it, it's punishment?

 

And your method has been successful at keeping yourself happy in a healthy relationship. Right...

 

She has plans for Friday, he knows it already, she knows that he knows. If he comes up with an invitation it's right-in-your-face-manipulative.

[LD1990]

Very good point in bold. I didn't think of it that way, but I do feel I'm being put in the backseat.

 

I also like your suggestion of asking her to lunch, basically giving her the choice. But here's what she's going to say "you already know I have lunch plans, went would you ask" what do you think my action plan at that point should be? Clear as day that she's not willing to put her boyfriend first?

 

She probably will say that. Honestly man, with all the texting and the Snapchat, I think your relationship is headed south already. I wouldn't start a huge argument here. If she says what you think she will, I'd probably just tell her I found out I was free in the afternoon and decided to ask her to lunch. I'd also say "this is just some guy from middle school right, can't you just cancel?"

 

If she isn't receptive, either ask her how she'd feel if you chose hanging out with a female friend over her, or tell her that you only date women who make you a priority and end it. Your call. Flipping the script on her may make her realize the error in her ways. But regardless, be willing to walk away. It show you're a man who doesn't put up with any sh*t, and there's nothing more attractive to a woman than that.

[olivetree]

This is all way too much for a 2 month relationship. And you're only "exclusive" not bf/gf. It takes time for someone to get into relationship mode where we (often) start to taper down our time with our friends of the opposite sex.

 

You're getting some advice here on how to come across as controlling/needy/insecure... leading to being single for a long time.

[Poutrew]

Just drop a VAR in her purse before she goes out that day, and tell her to have fun reminiscing...

[niji]

Hmmm, this is very interesting, as it's quite in the grey area and not black and white like many other threads.

 

When I first read your post, I had similar thoughts to others: if they've been friends long before you entered the picture, you have to respect it. If they've been (supposedly) platonic in the many years when you weren't there, there's no reason to doubt that there will be sexual feelings now. Of course things can always change, but that's my rule of thumb. I have a male best friend, love him pretty much like a sibling, we've been friends for 8 years and I can never imagine being "together" with him (I have a brother too, so ew ). If he ever developed something more than platonic friendship for me (in a theoretical world, as he never has), I would be very hurt but would have to distance myself until he no longer has this type of feeling (again, because he's like my sibling).

 

My point is, it takes 2 to tango. If your GF is committed to you, no one will be able to take her away. Or more accurately, she will never let herself go to another guy.

 

Another interesting point is that she didn't invite you to go to lunch with them, despite knowing you're free. My SO hangs out solo with female friends all the time when I'm not free, but all of them have been there before there was me. And if I'm free, I will be invited. I think it's just common courtesy when you're committed (he'll invite me to hang out with his male friends too). If a situation comes up where said female friends need to tell him something they don't feel comfortable telling me and request "alone time" with him, I'll probably let it slide once, but it certainly can't be excessive. Again, that has never happened and it'd better be a drastic situation.

 

If they lost touch over the years and just happened to catch up recently, I doubt he's an important friend to her in the pure platonic "friend" sense. People don't usually lose those they consider important. Rather, they try to introduce their SOs to those people.

Edited November 24, 2016 by niji

[phineas]

We did have the exclusive talk, and we both agreed we're exclusive. I explained to her that I'm not really comfortable with the situation. It's not her that I don't trust, it's him. I'm sorry, but most guys who give that much attention to a girl are looking to escalate. She then assured me that she has no intention of anything more than friends with this guy. She was understanding of my view, but not enough to cancel lunch apparently which is what annoyed me most about it.

 

I'm torn between taking her word for it and calm down and just see if it progresses, or put my foot down and say this is too uncomfortable for me and I can't continue this relationship if you're going to continue on with this guy.

 

please.

You don't trust her.

Not him.

What exactly is he going to do?

Put the voodoo whammy on her and bang her in the bathroom?

Drug her and have his way in the parking lot?

 

Highly unlikely.

If something happens between a woman and a man it's because she CHOOSES to let it happen.

 

So she is the one you really don't trust.

 

Your GF is going on dates with other men boyo.

 

The women friends I have, they make sure their new BF's meet me and i make an effort to get along with them.

Even if they are giant d-bags i still pretend they're my new bro's for them.

 

Also, my chick friends wouldn't go to lunch with me unless we worked together before their BF actually met me and knew who I was.

 

That kind of thing is called respect. by the way.

Edited November 24, 2016 by phineas

[frus69]

This "friend" is her middle school mate. They only just reconnected not long a ago and started frequent Snap chatting and messaging now meeting. I'm sorry but he really is not "just an old friend". This situation is no different than her meeting a new guy and started chatting and hanging.

And he definitely wants her otherwise no man will put so much energy in chatting with a woman. And she enjoys him enough to keep frequent contact.

How is OP controlling ? Some posters are ridiculous.

 

 

OP you should go meet the guy definitely. I would not be ok with this. My man can not keep frequent contact with any woman unless he has a damn good reason. You have every right to be annoyed by this too. She doesn't need to cut contact with him but it's inappropriate that she chats with him TOO OFTEN

[frus69]

This is all way too much for a 2 month relationship. And you're only "exclusive" not bf/gf. It takes time for someone to get into relationship mode where we (often) start to taper down our time with our friends of the opposite sex.

 

You're getting some advice here on how to come across as controlling/needy/insecure... leading to being single for a long time.

 

What you are saying is 2 months is too short to take anything too serious and she's still pretty free to change her mind. Alright, OP just take it easy and hang out with other women too. Don't get too fixated on her cuz you aren't really in a committed relationship. Anything can change from now on you know

[dumbass2]

I don't think I read this anywhere.

 

OP, How do you know she has been texting and snap-chatting him?

[MarkIVSteel]

Stop worrying about this woman.

 

Go hit up other women for lunch dates and drinks. When your gf asks where you are, tell her you're meeting up with an old female friend of yours for lunch and drinks.

[phineas]

Stop worrying about this woman.

 

Go hit up other women for lunch dates and drinks. When your gf asks where you are, tell her you're meeting up with an old female friend of yours for lunch and drinks.

 

While I dislike this type of stuff i sadly do know women it works on.

You cannot explain to them what they are doing is wrong you have to show them and make them feel what you feel by doing the exact same thing they are doing.

 

Especially when you are "exclusive". which by the way unless the definition changed means you are not to be exploring other options like OP's woman is.

 

Time to let the woman know you have options also and choose not to explore them because you were "exclusive" but now that "exclusive" means pulling anyone from your past and going to lunch with them to catch up...

[Gaeta]

And then what, he plays police with her every friend? He looks through her phone? demand her FB password? What else? He follows her around?

 

If she is not into him enough than he might as well get rid of her now but I suggest he gets rid of her and keeps his integrity at the same time.

 

Demanding to meet this man, demanding she cuts contact, or playing little games like some suggests isn't acting with integrity, it's acting like an insecure arse. A man with integrity just moves on from a woman that doesn't offer him the type of respect he is looking for.

[phineas]

And then what, he plays police with her every friend? He looks through her phone? demand her FB password? What else? He follows her around?

 

If she is not into him enough than he might as well get rid of her now but I suggest he gets rid of her and keeps his integrity at the same time.

 

Demanding to meet this man, demanding she cuts contact, or playing little games like some suggests isn't acting with integrity, it's acting like an insecure arse. A man with integrity just moves on from a woman that doesn't offer him the type of respect he is looking for.

 

Don't be obtuse.

 

This guy isn't a friend.

He is a guy she went to middle school with.

 

Middle school.

 

someone she hasn't had contact with since her pre-teen's.

That she is now snap chatting and texting and going to lunch with after agreeing to be exclusive with OP.

 

This man is absolutely positively no friend of hers or this relationship.

He is a man who wants to have sex with her and she knows it.

 

He may not even know she is supposed to be with someone.

He is not some guy she has known for years before she met the op.

HUGE difference.

 

I find it ridiculous how people want to ignore this fact and just call OP "controlling" because he doesn't like the fact his GF is meeting new men and going to lunch with them.

 

The only thing OP is doing wrong is not demoting this woman to FWB and finding a new GF or just dumping her out-right because she is following perfectly the formula for monkey-branching.

[Gaeta]

Don't be obtuse.

 

This guy isn't a friend.

He is a guy she went to middle school with.

 

Middle school.

 

someone she hasn't had contact with since her pre-teen's.

That she is now snap chatting and texting and going to lunch with after agreeing to be exclusive with OP.

 

This man is absolutely positively no friend of hers or this relationship.

He is a man who wants to have sex with her and she knows it.

 

He may not even know she is supposed to be with someone.

He is not some guy she has known for years before she met the op.

HUGE difference.

 

I find it ridiculous how people want to ignore this fact and just call OP "controlling" because he doesn't like the fact his GF is meeting new men and going to lunch with them.

 

The only thing OP is doing wrong is not demoting this woman to FWB and finding a new GF or just dumping her out-right because she is following perfectly the formula for monkey-branching.

 

Not sure what you didn't like about my post. I don't think she is girlfriend material and he should break up with her. I suggest he does it like a grown man and terminate it right here and not act like a little boy and play passive aggressive games like follow her to this lunch, date other women to take revenge or control her into not going, etc.

[OatsAndHall]

I take no issue with a significant other having male friends and that is that is what your situation sounds like. However, this can be a grey area for me in many ways.

 

For example I dated a woman who had a close, childhood friend who she would chat with consistently and meet on occasion. I didn't know the guy but their interactions were always platonic: they chatted via social media, texts, and went out to coffee once in a blue moon. They had been friends throughout all of her previous relationships and it truly was a platonic relationship.

 

Now, on the other hand, when my ex wife and I were first dating, she had only been single for about six months. Her and I were exclusive but we didn't paste it all over social media the way some folks do. Guy "friends" started popping up left and right at this point. She met up with a guy that was a "high school friend" but she told me she hadn't had much contact (i.e. ANY contact) for years. I was kind of on edge with it because of this but I didn't say anything as it wasn't my place to do so. However, I did have something to say about this guy after I found out what transpired when they met.

 

He took her out to dinner (paid for it) and then was pushing to take her out for drinks after. He kept pushing it until she told him that she was seeing me. I didn't get angry with her afterward but told her that it appeared to me as if this guy was looking for a date and that she needed to be mindful of that when interacting with him from there on out. She really didn't view it that way which bothered me. I don't think she looking for male attention, she was just naive about it. She had a good time talking about the "glory" days with this guy as they were friends in high school.

 

He asked her to go again a few weeks later and I told her that it was making me uncomfortable. It had nothing to do with jealousy or anything else but I was frustrated at what I thought she was putting herself in a bad situation. Yes, she was friends with this guy but it was clear that he had intentions other than friendship. It turned into a fight where I was told that I didn't trust her, that I was insecure, etc..etc.. I just backed off and told her to do as she pleased. He went away when he once again asked to go out drinking and she just wanted to do coffee.

 

I have friends that are female and we have platonic relationships. I went out to coffee with an old friend awhile back under the assumption that it was a platonic deal (she had a boyfriend..) but she asked me to come over and watch a movie at her place after and I declined. I knew that her boyfriend wasn't in town and I had the strong impression that she was looking for "Netflix and chill".. I haven't talked to her since.

 

So, I believe that this is a subjective, situational issue. There are men and women out there that truly have platonic friendships and that is great. But, there are folks out there that are looking for more and use the veil of friendship to try and get it. But, that's really not my problem; it's up to them to establish the boundaries between themselves and these male counter parts. If I'm dating a woman and she cannot (or doesn't want to) tell the clear difference between a guy looking for a friend or a guy looking for a date, then I will question her judgement. If I question her judgement than I won't end up trusting her. In that case, I will not continue to date her.

[Grey40]

Not sure what you didn't like about my post. I don't think she is girlfriend material and he should break up with her. I suggest he does it like a grown man and terminate it right here and not act like a little boy and play passive aggressive games like follow her to this lunch, date other women to take revenge or control her into not going, etc.

 

Agreed. Going out with other girls to make her jealous is so stupid, immature and a waste of time. She either likes you, or doesn't. Just forget her, try and move on, get stuff going in your life and maybe she'll come back. If she doesn't you'll have someone else by then, and you may end up liking her even more than this girl. If she cares about you and knows it bothers you, she'll fix it. Otherwise she just doesn't value what you have.

[carolann]

About 3 years ago I was in a similar situation as your gf. A guy I hadn't spoken to in 10 years friended me on FB, wanted to "catch up", asked me to meet up for lunch, blahblahblah. I was dating my now husband at the time and I didn't feel it was appropriate and I told the guy so. I did that because 1) I knew in my gut that he was interested in me as more than a friend and 2) I respected and valued my relationship enough to stop something before it even got started. You two aren't on the same page in the relationship and whether you're together 2 months or not you need to have the same boundaries if it's going to work long term.

[Lorenza]

One thing to go and grab lunch with a friend you've been continuously having a platonic relationship with and another is to meet some guy who suddenly popped up in your life. I would not be amused if my bf would decide to "catch up" with some girl who hasn't been in his life before.

[Gaeta]

OP how old is your girlfriend? Is it possible you are dating much younger? I don't know anyone around me that would be interested in reconnecting with someone from middle school unless middle school was over a year ago.