Lunch with a male "friend"?

[Gaeta]

We did have the exclusive talk, and we both agreed we're exclusive. I explained to her that I'm not really comfortable with the situation. It's not her that I don't trust, it's him.

 

You know that's a bunch of baloney right? You trust her but not him? In the world of seduction it's women that give the go-ahead. This guy can huff and puff all he wants the final decision to let him touch her is hers. Therefore you trust her or you don't. He is an outside player you do not need to trust or not. He is out of the equation.

 

If my BF gave me that line I'd be very offended. It would be like him laughing at my intelligence and my integrity. As if I am not smart enough to recognize a man is hitting on me and it's time to reject him.

[LD1990]

Good advice, and I think this is how I will proceed. She did say that she went to middle school with this guy, then lost contact and they've just connected again and want to catch up. We'll see if that's all it leads to.

 

Warning, do not proceed!

 

So friendly Johnny and your girlfriend recently "reconnected," which has involved texting and snapchatting each other all the time. Now, since they're using Snapchat, that means they like trading pics, and something tells me those pics aren't the type you'd like you're girlfriend sending. And now they're going on a lunch date, how nice.

 

Don't listen to any of the bozos calling you controlling or saying you're damaged. You're absolutely not. Controlling is a word women use to get what they want. When a woman says you're controlling, what she really means is that only she should be allowed to dictate the terms of the relationship, not you. People tell their partners what bothers them, that's not controlling, that's how relationships work.

 

This guy is trying to screw your girlfriend, and she's not shutting him down. Find the hottest girl you know, and casually mention to your girlfriend how you're going out for drinks with an "old friend" and you just wanted her to know. Ideally, this "old friend" has an amazing body and dresses like a stripper. See how fast that old friends sh*t ends.

[Miss Peach]

I am of the mindset that if someone isn't committed to me then I can't control the outcome. They will cheat or they won't.

 

If you want to find out more about this friend, ask a bit of history. How does she know him? How long? Etc. This are valid questions IMO.

 

I think you are controlling.

 

* First he is an old friend so he was there way before you. If something had to happen it would have happened already.

 

* Second if he is an old friend than nothing is escalating because they are having lunch, I doubt it's their first lunch.

 

* If she had a thing for him you think she would announced it to you!

 

* She is offering you an open and transparent relationship and you use it to shed distrust all over it. How long you think that's gonna last.

 

* So if you have old friends, lets say friends you've known for 10 years you will drop them at the drop of a hat for a girl you've been dating 2 months? Let me doubt it.

 

Totally agree with this. If a man did any of this to me I would run.

[JoeSmith357-1]

I'm sorry, but women in exclusive relationships have no business excessively snapchatting with guys, then meeting up with them for lunches

 

Snapchat serves ONLY as a communications mechanism for people with something to hide.

 

This just does not pass the smell test to me.

 

I think it's funny that most women are lining up on the "he's controlling you" side

 

If the shoe was on the other foot, and it was a guy doing this, they would all be like "he's cheating on you, break up with him" side

[Gaeta]

This guy is trying to screw your girlfriend, and she's not shutting him down. Find the hottest girl you know, and casually mention to your girlfriend how you're going out for drinks with an "old friend" and you just wanted her to know. Ideally, this "old friend" has an amazing body and dresses like a stripper. See how fast that old friends sh*t ends.

 

So what if this guy tries to screw her? Don't you think she has a mind of her own to say yes or not to his offer? and a mind of her own to end the friendship? Or you're one of those men that thinks women are just brainless raggydolls and need a man to show them what is right or wrong?

 

Do you really think you can control a girlfriend in being faithful ? If she cheats than she cheats! and he breaks up with her and it's end of the story.

[JoeSmith357-1]

Start going for lunch with other women and tell her they're"old friends".

 

Exactly, like that would fly...

[CommittedToThis]

You're two months into this, you both claim you're an "exclusive" couple, and yet she's texting, snap-chatting and wanting to have lunch with this "old friend."

 

Tell her lunch is fine but you want to be there, too; see how she handles it and take it from there.

 

If she's hesitant to let you join them, my advice is to leave right now. If she's cool, then go with them and have a nice time.

 

You don't sound like you're controlling, you are following what your gut is telling you.

 

I feel any woman who responds to honest questions about opposite sex friends or exes with, "you're insecure" or "you're controlling" is a cake-eater and as such needs to be immediately dumped.

[Gaeta]

I'm sorry, but women in exclusive relationships have no business excessively snapchatting with guys, then meeting up with them for lunches

 

Snapchat serves ONLY as a communications mechanism for people with something to hide.

 

This just does not pass the smell test to me.

 

I think it's funny that most women are lining up on the "he's controlling you" side

 

If the shoe was on the other foot, and it was a guy doing this, they would all be like "he's cheating on you, break up with him" side

 

 

What you fail to understand is.....

 

OP cannot control her. He cannot tell her what she can or cannot do. In life you can only control yourself.

 

That being said if he doesn't like her friendship with this particular guy he is free to break up with her but he has no power to dictate her how she should act.

 

Here is the difference between a male posting and a female posting:

 

A female posts a similar story and females will suggest she accepts it or breaks it.

 

A male posts a similar story and males will suggest he controls her or acts passive-aggressive to teach her a good lesson.

 

That's the difference.

[Gaeta]

I feel any woman who responds to honest questions about opposite sex friends or exes with, "you're insecure" or "you're controlling" is a cake-eater and as such needs to be immediately dumped.

 

This is lunch. If she had not mentioned this to OP he would have NEVER known about this lunch. If she is interested in this man in any way than WHY tell him about it ???

[CommittedToThis]

If she is interested in this man in any way than WHY tell him about it ???

 

I dunno, some call it a ***** test. See how much your new bf will take, etc.

[LD1990]

A female posts a similar story and females will suggest she accepts it or breaks it.

 

A weak, passive solution. Great if you enjoy ending all your relationships.

 

A male posts a similar story and males will suggest he controls her or acts passive-aggressive to teach her a good lesson.

 

Controlling doesn't exist. No one is suggesting he "control" her. We're suggesting that he either explains his issue to her so she has the opportunity to correct her out-of-line behavior, or he simply follows the same standard as her. Two reasonable, realistic solutions. But of course, the "I am woman, hear me roar" crowd have to throw out the word "controlling" whenever they can.

[Marc878]

At two months in you know nothing. Time will tell.

Everyone is correct you can only control you. Take it slow see what happens and if it's not for you then just move on.

 

Long term opposite sex friends especially with alone time doesn't work out well for most. A large amount of affairs start out that way. Ignorance is bliss until it isn't.

 

However, for your future reference pick up a copy of "Not Just Friends".

[Gaeta]

A weak, passive solution. Great if you enjoy ending all your relationships.

Dating is about finding a suitable long term partner. Yes you will have to break unfit relationships asap when you figure you are not compatible and move to a better suited partner. It has nothing to do with being passive. It's about understanding we cannot change people at the core and to seek people with common values.

 

 

Controlling doesn't exist. No one is suggesting he "control" her. We're suggesting that he either explains his issue to her so she has the opportunity to correct her out-of-line behavior, or he simply follows the same standard as her. Two reasonable, realistic solutions. But of course, the "I am woman, hear me roar" crowd have to throw out the word "controlling" whenever they can.

 

He has already expressed to her he is not too keen on her going to that lunch. She decided she will go anyway. So, what are his options now?

 

A) accept it and see how things unfolds from here

B) break it and search for a better suited partner

[RecentChange]

Well you have gotten a lot of advice.

 

Personally I was never the sort to claim exclusively at 8 weeks, unless I was head over heels, just absolutely in deep limerence with someone.

 

Because at 8 weeks you still don't know them very well, and it's hard for me to say "okay, this is the one, all others are now invisible to me".

 

Curious what is your prior dating experience and what is hers?

 

As for the "old friend" may be innocent, might not me (if it was me, it probably wouldn't be innocent) - but then again, I wouldn't pledged exclusively.

 

Reminds me how I had been dating a guy for a short time - went on a trip to visit some girlfriens, and ended up unexpectedly visiting an "old friend" as well - broke up with the "back home guy" when I returned.

 

We hadn't declared exclusively, but my attraction to the old friend made it clear that back home guy wasn't the one for me.

[Conviction]

So many good posts! I can't reply to them all (on mobile) but I've read them all and appreciate them all.

 

I have to admit I'm naturally in the mindset of the posters saying it's inappropriate and can only lead to a not so good situation. Hence why I have the willpower to cut off female contact when I'm committed to someone, it's easy for me to do. I value my romantic relationships more than a "snapchat buddy" to stroke me ego.

 

With that said, that's why I posted the question because it's nice to hear opinions from different perspectives because it can make me realize something I had not before and maybe I need to work on my way of thinking.

 

I read someone suggest me going with, I didn't think of that before, but I am off work that day and available to do so, she knows this, and I wonder why she didn't offer that? Kind of makes me even more suspicious.

 

I think, if this is a one time deal and they truly are just wanting to catch up and it ends at that I won't have a problem with it. But if it continues into a regular thing (which I fear it will), it's pretty safe to say I'm going to have to tell her it's not in my comfort level. To me that seems fair. The guy sparked communication with her AFTER I came along, eventhough they went to middle school together it's been years since they've talked. In my opinion he has no right to interfere, no?

[Conviction]

Dating is about finding a suitable long term partner. Yes you will have to break unfit relationships asap when you figure you are not compatible and move to a better suited partner. It has nothing to do with being passive. It's about understanding we cannot change people at the core and to seek people with common values.

 

 

 

 

He has already expressed to her he is not too keen on her going to that lunch. She decided she will go anyway. So, what are his options now?

 

A) accept it and see how things unfolds from here

B) break it and search for a better suited partner

 

Herein lies my dilemma.

[Gaeta]

The guy sparked communication with her AFTER I came along, eventhough they went to middle school together it's been years since they've talked. In my opinion he has no right to interfere, no?

 

You left that very important information out. You said he was an old friend. This is a completely different dynamic here than what you originally presented to us.

[Mystique01]

[/b]

 

Herein lies my dilemma.

 

I'm sorry, but I agree with you OP.... I think something fishy is going on indeed.

 

If she's in an exclusive relationship, and her "friend" knows this, he should be respectable and either ask that you also come along on their "lunch date", or reserve an outing out with a bunch of friends where you too can come along (if you're available).

 

But this whole one-on-one lunch date thing seems pretty suspect to me, and I'm a woman. I don't think I would like the reverse happening with my bf and his "girl pal". I'm just being honest.

 

NOw if you two were NOT exclusive I would say she's a free bird. But now that you two are exclusive, I say she should at the very least take into consideration YOUR feelings about the issue. The fact that she's not is very telling imo.

 

 

If they were just chums from way back and haven't seen or talked to each other in years and they just wanted to hang out briefly before he flies back out of town, then that's ONE thing. But the fact that they REGULARLY talk and snapchat each other and are now meeting up for lunch looks pretty fishy I'm sorry.

 

Her intentions might be pure, but I don't trust him....

 

It's up to you what you want to do about this...

[LD1990]

I read someone suggest me going with, I didn't think of that before, but I am off work that day and available to do so, she knows this, and I wonder why she didn't offer that? Kind of makes me even more suspicious.

 

So given the option of having lunch with her boyfriend or some dope from middle school who randomly got in touch with her, she chose the latter. What's that tell you about where you stand with her?

 

I think, if this is a one time deal and they truly are just wanting to catch up and it ends at that I won't have a problem with it. But if it continues into a regular thing (which I fear it will), it's pretty safe to say I'm going to have to tell her it's not in my comfort level. To me that seems fair. The guy sparked communication with her AFTER I came along, eventhough they went to middle school together it's been years since they've talked. In my opinion he has no right to interfere, no?

 

A one-time deal, that's adorable. No, you can expect many more lunches with "old friends," along with your girlfriend spending more and more of her free time with guys who aren't you.

 

Personally, when she brought up that lunch nonsense, I probably would've said something like "Oh, cool, so we're dating other people?" And if she protests, explain to her that dates are for single people, so if she wants to act single she can be single. The key is being man enough to walk away from the relationship if necessary.

 

Now, you've already missed that opportunity, so here's what you should do - in the next day or so, ask her to lunch on Friday. Tell her you just found out you're free. If she's a girlfriend worth keeping, she'll either accept and break off her plans with dumbass, or invite you to her lunch with dumbass. If she's a lousy girlfriend, she'll tell you she can't because she has plans with dumbass. At that point, you can tell her you didn't sign up to be her second priority next to every loser she knew in middle school, and dump her ass.

[No_Go]

Depends. Is he single? Do they know each other from a long time?

 

E.g. I have many gay friends and I'm having dinners with them while in a RL - obviously not an offense.

 

But - I also have 'friends' that I met on dating sites and rejected. Some are resurfacing from time to time. One of them I do go out on friendly events with but he always, always follows up with more 'date-like' invites afterwards... And this is now hitting 3rd year, in which time I have had 2 serious boyfriends - my 'friend' is not getting it. I hang out with him knowing that he'll never make a move and I enjoy his company... But I do realize it is not fair to him.

 

Ask your gf what the friendship base with the lunch guy is and go from there.

 

Hi everybody, need some perspective here.

 

I've been seeing this girl for about 2 months. Last night she dropped the "oh by the way, I'm going to lunch with a guy on Friday. He's just an old friend though" my warning bells went off. I'm the type of guy that once I'm committed to a girl, I have the respect to not do anything with the opposite sex that could be taken as "fishy" which includes going on lunch dates. I understand I'm in the minority here, but hey I am who I am.

 

Anyway, her and this particular guy have been texting/snapchatting pretty frequently, at first I just blew it off because I understand she can have male friends that she keeps in contact with. However, now that it's starting to escalate into lunches now I'm starting to get a little annoyed. I'm worried that "hey, now we're going to do dinner" is next.

 

What do you guys think?

 

TIA

[LargoLagg]

We did have the exclusive talk, and we both agreed we're exclusive. I explained to her that I'm not really comfortable with the situation. It's not her that I don't trust, it's him. I'm sorry, but most guys who give that much attention to a girl are looking to escalate. She then assured me that she has no intention of anything more than friends with this guy. She was understanding of my view, but not enough to cancel lunch apparently which is what annoyed me most about it.

 

I'm torn between taking her word for it and calm down and just see if it progresses, or put my foot down and say this is too uncomfortable for me and I can't continue this relationship if you're going to continue on with this guy.

Don't fool yourself. You don't trust her. It doesn't matter how amorous he is. Just imagine it for a minute. You go out with a girl, you have no romantic interest, and you expect it to be perfectly platonic.

 

Under which circumstances do you cave in and give her sex:

 

1) She flirts mildly.

2) She flirts heavily.

3) She touches you and kisses you.

4) She puts her hand on your parts.

5) She puts your hand on her parts.

6) She gets under the table and starts to service you.

7) She pulls you into the coatroom and invites you to **** her right then and there?

 

Now, imagine your GF in each of these scenarios. Under which circumstance does she cave in and give herself away? Or does she walk out when it gets to be too much.

 

Don't fool yourself. You're not worried about him. She's the firewall.

[Conviction]

I'm sorry, but I agree with you OP.... I think something fishy is going on indeed.

 

If she's in an exclusive relationship, and her "friend" knows this, he should be respectable and either ask that you also come along on their "lunch date", or reserve an outing out with a bunch of friends where you too can come along (if you're available).

 

But this whole one-on-one lunch date thing seems pretty suspect to me, and I'm a woman. I don't think I would like the reverse happening with my bf and his "girl pal". I'm just being honest.

 

NOw if you two were NOT exclusive I would say she's a free bird. But now that you two are exclusive, I say she should at the very least take into consideration YOUR feelings about the issue. The fact that she's not is very telling imo.

 

 

If they were just chums from way back and haven't seen or talked to each other in years and they just wanted to hang out briefly before he flies back out of town, then that's ONE thing. But the fact that they REGULARLY talk and snapchat each other and are now meeting up for lunch looks pretty fishy I'm sorry.

 

Her intentions might be pure, but I don't trust him....

 

It's up to you what you want to do about this...

 

Yeah apologies for not making the "old friend" part more clear. They went to middle school together but haven't talked since then, now he's back in the picture.

 

I appreciate what you've said, and am relieved to see that it's just not me that sees something fishy going on here with the snapchat/texting/and now lunch. At this point, do you think it's reasonable to ask that I go along, being that I'm free that day? Or reasonable that I communicate tonight my objection to a one on one lunch?

[Gaeta]

A one-time deal, that's adorable. No, you can expect many more lunches with "old friends," along with your girlfriend spending more and more of her free time with guys who aren't you..

You are a crystal ball? All you do here is scare OP with your predictions. You do not address the facts here but play at extrapolating on the future.

 

Personally, when she brought up that lunch nonsense, I probably would've said something like "Oh, cool, so we're dating other people?" And if she protests, explain to her that dates are for single people, so if she wants to act single she can be single. The key is being man enough to walk away from the relationship if necessary.

Having lunch is dating now? Again you are playing fortune teller and extrapolating. You are just scaring OP.

 

in the next day or so, ask her to lunch on Friday. Tell her you just found out you're free. If she's a girlfriend worth keeping, she'll either accept and break off her plans with dumbass, or invite you to her lunch with dumbass. If she's a lousy girlfriend, she'll tell you she can't because she has plans with dumbass. At that point, you can tell her you didn't sign up to be her second priority next to every loser she knew in middle school, and dump her ass.

That is manipulative. You would force her to break previously made plans only as a test. That is very adult, really, are you still in high school? And if she decides to honor her plans than she is a bad girlfriend, because honoring plans and sticking to our engagements is deserving of punishment in your world?

[Gaeta]

I appreciate what you've said, and am relieved to see that it's just not me that sees something fishy going on here with the snapchat/texting/and now lunch. At this point, do you think it's reasonable to ask that I go along, being that I'm free that day? Or reasonable that I communicate tonight my objection to a one on one lunch?

 

ABSOLUTELY NOT.

 

Are you the police????

 

If you are not pleased with her new-found-friend, with the snapchat, the texting and the lunch than BREAK UP.

[Conviction]

So given the option of having lunch with her boyfriend or some dope from middle school who randomly got in touch with her, she chose the latter. What's that tell you about where you stand with her?

 

 

 

A one-time deal, that's adorable. No, you can expect many more lunches with "old friends," along with your girlfriend spending more and more of her free time with guys who aren't you.

 

Personally, when she brought up that lunch nonsense, I probably would've said something like "Oh, cool, so we're dating other people?" And if she protests, explain to her that dates are for single people, so if she wants to act single she can be single. The key is being man enough to walk away from the relationship if necessary.

 

Now, you've already missed that opportunity, so here's what you should do - in the next day or so, ask her to lunch on Friday. Tell her you just found out you're free. If she's a girlfriend worth keeping, she'll either accept and break off her plans with dumbass, or invite you to her lunch with dumbass. If she's a lousy girlfriend, she'll tell you she can't because she has plans with dumbass. At that point, you can tell her you didn't sign up to be her second priority next to every loser she knew in middle school, and dump her ass.

 

Very good point in bold. I didn't think of it that way, but I do feel I'm being put in the backseat.

 

I also like your suggestion of asking her to lunch, basically giving her the choice. But here's what she's going to say "you already know I have lunch plans, went would you ask" what do you think my action plan at that point should be? Clear as day that she's not willing to put her boyfriend first?