Lunch with a male "friend"?

[Conviction]

Hi everybody, need some perspective here.

 

I've been seeing this girl for about 2 months. Last night she dropped the "oh by the way, I'm going to lunch with a guy on Friday. He's just an old friend though" my warning bells went off. I'm the type of guy that once I'm committed to a girl, I have the respect to not do anything with the opposite sex that could be taken as "fishy" which includes going on lunch dates. I understand I'm in the minority here, but hey I am who I am.

 

Anyway, her and this particular guy have been texting/snapchatting pretty frequently, at first I just blew it off because I understand she can have male friends that she keeps in contact with. However, now that it's starting to escalate into lunches now I'm starting to get a little annoyed. I'm worried that "hey, now we're going to do dinner" is next.

 

What do you guys think?

 

TIA

[Herbalist]

Sounds like the two of you are incompatible then, you have very different boundaries over something that can be a very sensitive topic in a relationship.

 

I mean if you ask around the web, you should receive some pretty good advice about how it's normal and harmless for people in relationships to have some opposite-sex friends. This is true.

 

But you're paranoid, which means you're probably emotionally damaged and haven't healed yet. And emotionally damaged people tend to attract emotionally predatory people. So then what happens more often than not, is that someone in your position receives pretty rational advice, but your paranoia still spirals out of control regardless, then real or imagined you find evidence of cheating and completely lose your mind. Sucks.

 

So in my honest opinion you should probably just find someone who feels the same way you do.

[Redhead14]

Hi everybody, need some perspective here.

 

I've been seeing this girl for about 2 months. Last night she dropped the "oh by the way, I'm going to lunch with a guy on Friday. He's just an old friend though" my warning bells went off. I'm the type of guy that once I'm committed to a girl, I have the respect to not do anything with the opposite sex that could be taken as "fishy" which includes going on lunch dates. I understand I'm in the minority here, but hey I am who I am.

 

Anyway, her and this particular guy have been texting/snapchatting pretty frequently, at first I just blew it off because I understand she can have male friends that she keeps in contact with. However, now that it's starting to escalate into lunches now I'm starting to get a little annoyed. I'm worried that "hey, now we're going to do dinner" is next.

 

What do you guys think?

 

TIA

 

Have you two declared exclusivity? I mean, have you had an actual conversation to clarify where you stand with her. It's only been two months and if there is no clarity from you, she may feel as though she is free to date others.

 

If there is clarity, all you can/should do is let her know that this makes you uncomfortable and then observe whether or not she care's enough about your feelings to tone it down with this guy.

[Conviction]

Have you two declared exclusivity? I mean, have you had an actual conversation to clarify where you stand with her. It's only been two months and if there is no clarity from you, she may feel as though she is free to date others.

 

If there is clarity, all you can/should do is let her know that this makes you uncomfortable and then observe whether or not she care's enough about your feelings to tone it down with this guy.

 

We did have the exclusive talk, and we both agreed we're exclusive. I explained to her that I'm not really comfortable with the situation. It's not her that I don't trust, it's him. I'm sorry, but most guys who give that much attention to a girl are looking to escalate. She then assured me that she has no intention of anything more than friends with this guy. She was understanding of my view, but not enough to cancel lunch apparently which is what annoyed me most about it.

 

I'm torn between taking her word for it and calm down and just see if it progresses, or put my foot down and say this is too uncomfortable for me and I can't continue this relationship if you're going to continue on with this guy.

[SpicyLife]

Hi everybody, need some perspective here.

 

I've been seeing this girl for about 2 months. Last night she dropped the "oh by the way, I'm going to lunch with a guy on Friday. He's just an old friend though" my warning bells went off. I'm the type of guy that once I'm committed to a girl, I have the respect to not do anything with the opposite sex that could be taken as "fishy" which includes going on lunch dates. I understand I'm in the minority here, but hey I am who I am.

 

Anyway, her and this particular guy have been texting/snapchatting pretty frequently, at first I just blew it off because I understand she can have male friends that she keeps in contact with. However, now that it's starting to escalate into lunches now I'm starting to get a little annoyed. I'm worried that "hey, now we're going to do dinner" is next.

 

What do you guys think?

 

TIA

 

 

 

Conviction, this could really go either way. Let me ask you something: Have you met this guy? Most girls will introduce you to their friends when they are really into you, both male and female. Have you met her other friends?

 

The other factor at play here is that you've only been exclusive for 2 months now. I know it may feel like you've known each other forever, but in reality you're still feeling each other out and just getting to know her. It's possible that this early in your relationship she may not be ready to mix you up with her friend groups since its so brand new.

 

Now, on the other hand, as a man who shares your same "convictions" (pun intended) - As men, we have to dance back and forth with women. If you think she is pulling away, I would suggest investing less of yourself into her while she exhibits that behavior until you see exactly where it's going. Play the cards in your favor, basically... if she IS seeing some ex or other love interest and it escalates, then at least you distanced yourself and will be more ready to move on. If it happens to be nothing at all, just a friend, and all is well then you will naturally build a closeness over time.

 

Just watch how she handles it, your gut will tell you whatever you need to know.

[Conviction]

Sounds like the two of you are incompatible then, you have very different boundaries over something that can be a very sensitive topic in a relationship.

 

I mean if you ask around the web, you should receive some pretty good advice about how it's normal and harmless for people in relationships to have some opposite-sex friends. This is true.

 

But you're paranoid, which means you're probably emotionally damaged and haven't healed yet. And emotionally damaged people tend to attract emotionally predatory people. So then what happens more often than not, is that someone in your position receives pretty rational advice, but your paranoia still spirals out of control regardless, then real or imagined you find evidence of cheating and completely lose your mind. Sucks.

 

So in my honest opinion you should probably just find someone who feels the same way you do.

 

Thanks for the input. I do tend to be an overthinker and paranoid, but I don't like that I am and am trying to work on that. Which is why I wanted to get some non biased opinions here. I just don't know if I'm being completely unreasonable or not.

[Conviction]

Conviction, this could really go either way. Let me ask you something: Have you met this guy? Most girls will introduce you to their friends when they are really into you, both male and female. Have you met her other friends?

 

The other factor at play here is that you've only been exclusive for 2 months now. I know it may feel like you've known each other forever, but in reality you're still feeling each other out and just getting to know her. It's possible that this early in your relationship she may not be ready to mix you up with her friend groups since its so brand new.

 

Now, on the other hand, as a man who shares your same "convictions" (pun intended) - As men, we have to dance back and forth with women. If you think she is pulling away, I would suggest investing less of yourself into her while she exhibits that behavior until you see exactly where it's going. Play the cards in your favor, basically... if she IS seeing some ex or other love interest and it escalates, then at least you distanced yourself and will be more ready to move on. If it happens to be nothing at all, just a friend, and all is well then you will naturally build a closeness over time.

 

Just watch how she handles it, your gut will tell you whatever you need to know.

 

This was very helpful and I appreciate it. Also enjoyed the pun lol.

 

No, I haven't met this guy yet, but I have met a few of her friends and most of her family. Oddly enough distancing myself was actually a thought of mine as well. I just have a fear that doing that will, in her eyes, leave more time to pursue this other guy. But I suppose if she's going to do that, she wasn't worth my time in the first place.

 

It's frustrating too because I would be willing to bet she would be furious if I went to hang out with another girl, even if I labeled it a "friend". I'm tired of the double standard in today's dating world. Same double standard existed with an ex of mine too.

[lana-banana]

This is completely unreasonable to me. She even told you about it; she's not hiding anything from you. Part of being an adult involves having friends who are both single and taken. I grab lunch with opposite sex friends when they're in town, as does my fiance. It would never occur to me to tell him he shouldn't. Are you sure she would be furious or are you just assuming?

 

Honestly, this level of insecurity and obsessive overthinking after two months seems like a big red flag.

[Gaeta]

I've been seeing this girl for about 2 months. Last night she dropped the "oh by the way, I'm going to lunch with a guy on Friday. He's just an old friend though" my warning bells went off. I'm the type of guy that once I'm committed to a girl, I have the respect to not do anything with the opposite sex that could be taken as "fishy" which includes going on lunch dates. I understand I'm in the minority here, but hey I am who I am.

 

Anyway, her and this particular guy have been texting/snapchatting pretty frequently, at first I just blew it off because I understand she can have male friends that she keeps in contact with. However, now that it's starting to escalate into lunches now I'm starting to get a little annoyed. I'm worried that "hey, now we're going to do dinner" is next.

 

What do you guys think?

 

TIA

 

I think you are controlling.

 

* First he is an old friend so he was there way before you. If something had to happen it would have happened already.

 

* Second if he is an old friend than nothing is escalating because they are having lunch, I doubt it's their first lunch.

 

* If she had a thing for him you think she would announced it to you!

 

* She is offering you an open and transparent relationship and you use it to shed distrust all over it. How long you think that's gonna last.

 

* So if you have old friends, lets say friends you've known for 10 years you will drop them at the drop of a hat for a girl you've been dating 2 months? Let me doubt it.

[Conviction]

This is completely unreasonable to me. She even told you about it; she's not hiding anything from you. Part of being an adult involves having friends who are both single and taken. I grab lunch with opposite sex friends when they're in town, as does my fiance. It would never occur to me to tell him he shouldn't.

 

Honestly, this level of insecurity after two months seems like a big red flag.

 

I appreciate your input, and respect your opinion.

 

Lunch alone isn't what's magnifying this. It's that, coupled with the constant contact the two have via text and snapchat. Would you be good with your fiance snapchatting and texting women constantly?

[Conviction]

I think you are controlling.

 

* First he is an old friend so he was there way before you. If something had to happen it would have happened already.

 

* Second if he is an old friend than nothing is escalating because they are having lunch, I doubt it's their first lunch.

 

* If she had a thing for him you think she would announced it to you!

 

* She is offering you an open and transparent relationship and you use it to shed distrust all over it. How long you think that's gonna last.

 

* So if you have old friends, lets say friends you've known for 10 years you will drop them at the drop of a hat for a girl you've been dating 2 months? Let me doubt it.

 

I appreciate this as well. This is why I posted this, so I could get perspective from both sides of the table. In your opinion, when does it cross a line? Dinners? Late nights out? At what point would you draw the line?

[MarkIVSteel]

Start going for lunch with other women and tell her they're"old friends".

[Gaeta]

I appreciate this as well. This is why I posted this, so I could get perspective from both sides of the table. In your opinion, when does it cross a line? Dinners? Late nights out? At what point would you draw the line?

 

Lunch is fine with me. I do have lunch with male friends on occasion when they have business downtown and my boyfriend does grab the occasional lunch with a female friend that is from his country of origin. So I am not saying this our of my hat, I am living it too.

 

That being said dinners, late nights out, drinks are activities for couples. This is where I draw the line in my relationship. If my male friend wants to grab a drink than his girlfriend is there and so is my boyfriend, we make it a double date and we catch up that way.

[Conviction]

Start going for lunch with other women and tell her they're"old friends".

 

Lol. It would be a good "proving point" because judging by the fact she "doesn't like the thought of me with my exes" bothers her, she would blow a gasket. Again, it's a double standard that I've seen with several GFs that I'm getting tired of.

 

However, it's just not in my moral compass to do that.

[Conviction]

Lunch is fine with me. I do have lunch with male friends on occasion when they have business downtown and my boyfriend does grab the occasional lunch with a female friend that is from his country of origin. So I am not saying this our of my hat, I am living it too.

 

That being said dinners, late nights out, drinks are activities for couples. This is where I draw the line in my relationship. If my male friend wants to grab a drink than his girlfriend is there and so is my boyfriend, we make it a double date and we catch up that way.

 

Fair enough. I appreciate the feedback. My initial thought was to just roll with it, trust her, and see where it goes from there, maybe I'll follow through on that. Admittedly though, I'm just sitting here stewing over "what if". I hate when I do that.

[lana-banana]

We don't use Snapchat but my fiancé texts his friends (male and female) from time to time about various things. It doesn't bother me because I trust him. He's never once tried to hide what he's doing. Besides, I text my male friends quite a bit too---often to rage about politics, discuss books we're reading, and so on.

 

I agree that you sound controlling. At two months you barely know her. She has a closer relationship with her doctor. It is ridiculous to make any impositions at that point. Moreover, if she does decide she's going to date this guy, it's going to happen whether she has lunch with him or not. Either someone's committed or they aren't.

[Conviction]

We don't use Snapchat but my fiancé texts his friends (male and female) from time to time about various things. It doesn't bother me because I trust him. He's never once tried to hide what he's doing. Besides, I text my male friends quite a bit too---often to rage about politics, discuss books we're reading, and so on.

 

I agree that you sound controlling. At two months you barely know her. She has a closer relationship with her doctor. It is ridiculous to make any impositions at that point. Moreover, if she does decide she's going to date this guy, it's going to happen whether she has lunch with him or not. Either someone's committed or they aren't.

 

Agree with you there.

[MarkIVSteel]

However, it's just not in my moral compass to do that.

 

Well, your "moral compass" will get you walked all over and cheated on.

 

A double standard will only be perpetrated so much as you allow it.

[SpicyLife]

This was very helpful and I appreciate it. Also enjoyed the pun lol.

 

No, I haven't met this guy yet, but I have met a few of her friends and most of her family. Oddly enough distancing myself was actually a thought of mine as well. I just have a fear that doing that will, in her eyes, leave more time to pursue this other guy. But I suppose if she's going to do that, she wasn't worth my time in the first place.

 

It's frustrating too because I would be willing to bet she would be furious if I went to hang out with another girl, even if I labeled it a "friend". I'm tired of the double standard in today's dating world. Same double standard existed with an ex of mine too.

 

 

Although we use the word "distancing" it's not so much distancing yourself as it is just focusing on yourself and keeping sight of your independence; which has two effects in my experience: They leave you (perhaps for this guy, as you said)... or, they want you more. A guy who does his own thing confidently is sexy to women. Insecurity and jealousy isn't sexy to anyone male or female... whether it's real or simply perceived that way from your partner. Whether or not you care about this, you'll probably get a lot farther with this girl by acting like it's no big deal and you dont give a you know what. She'll show you her true colors one way or another - in these situations all you ever have to do is just sit back and watch what happens. Focusing on yourself and your own independence will just make it easier if it goes sour.

 

Another option would be to ask her how she knows this guy (HOW is he an old friend? neighbor growing up? classmate? what?) - ask her if they ever dated. Just be candid, and confident, and positive. Tell her he sounds like a cool guy and you'd like to meet him sometime. If she keeps you two separate forever then it's definitely a huge red flag.

 

Then again, my girlfriend's sister keeps "old friends" she's slept with around and introduces them to her boyfriend(s) like it's nothing, so that might not mean much either. Ultimately only you can decide with your gut and what your lines are in the sand.

 

Me personally? At 2 months, I would inquire for some background info, tell her to have fun, and make a mental note of this guy in my head for the future.

[Redhead14]

If someone decides they want to be with someone else, you can't build a fence high enough to keep them from doing that, so why bother to try.

[Gaeta]

"what if". I hate when I do that.

 

What if she cheats on you with him....well then you break up and move on to a better girlfriend.

 

Understand that you cannot control women into being better girlfriends. It's in them or it's not. You let people being themselves and if at the end of the day it's not enough than you move to a better partner.

[Redhead14]

Fair enough. I appreciate the feedback. My initial thought was to just roll with it, trust her, and see where it goes from there, maybe I'll follow through on that. Admittedly though, I'm just sitting here stewing over "what if". I hate when I do that.

 

"what if"

 

If you are enjoying spending time with her overall, you just need to sit back and relax. The fact is you've only been seeing her for 2 months, you don't trust because you don't know her well enough yet. That's part of the process.

 

If you live your life by "what ifs", you are missing the "what's now". What if nothing else comes of it? You've been stressing over nothing now and kinda taking away from your enjoyment with her. You can't control her, all you can do is control you and how you let this affect you. For now, you don't know what's what with all this, so chill until you do know and let things fall was they may and deal with it when/if it happens.

[Conviction]

Although we use the word "distancing" it's not so much distancing yourself as it is just focusing on yourself and keeping sight of your independence; which has two effects in my experience: They leave you (perhaps for this guy, as you said)... or, they want you more. A guy who does his own thing confidently is sexy to women. Insecurity and jealousy isn't sexy to anyone male or female... whether it's real or simply perceived that way from your partner. Whether or not you care about this, you'll probably get a lot farther with this girl by acting like it's no big deal and you dont give a you know what. She'll show you her true colors one way or another - in these situations all you ever have to do is just sit back and watch what happens. Focusing on yourself and your own independence will just make it easier if it goes sour.

 

Another option would be to ask her how she knows this guy (HOW is he an old friend? neighbor growing up? classmate? what?) - ask her if they ever dated. Just be candid, and confident, and positive. Tell her he sounds like a cool guy and you'd like to meet him sometime. If she keeps you two separate forever then it's definitely a huge red flag.

 

Then again, my girlfriend's sister keeps "old friends" she's slept with around and introduces them to her boyfriend(s) like it's nothing, so that might not mean much either. Ultimately only you can decide with your gut and what your lines are in the sand.

 

Me personally? At 2 months, I would inquire for some background info, tell her to have fun, and make a mental note of this guy in my head for the future.

 

Good advice, and I think this is how I will proceed. She did say that she went to middle school with this guy, then lost contact and they've just connected again and want to catch up. We'll see if that's all it leads to.

 

Also appreciate the rest of your post as well, very helpful. Thank you.

[Conviction]

"what if"

 

If you are enjoying spending time with her overall, you just need to sit back and relax. The fact is you've only been seeing her for 2 months, you don't trust because you don't know her well enough yet. That's part of the process.

 

If you live your life by "what ifs", you are missing the "what's now". What if nothing else comes of it? You've been stressing over nothing now and kinda taking away from your enjoyment with her. You can't control her, all you can do is control you and how you let this affect you. For now, you don't know what's what with all this, so chill until you do know and let things fall was they may and deal with it when/if it happens.

 

Thank you for this. I agree, I think I just need to let it evolve and take a "it is what it is" approach

[Conviction]

Well, your "moral compass" will get you walked all over and cheated on.

 

A double standard will only be perpetrated so much as you allow it.

 

You unfortunately may be right. I've been burned in the past over something similar.