whatwhit Posted November 23, 2016 Posted November 23, 2016 So I'm sure some of you have followed my relationship story. I was in a very toxic relationship and my boyfriend for once confirmed that he did something unfaithful. Tried reaching out to his ex girlfriend who lives in his hometown - he'll be there next month. Told her he's single and asked her if they have a chance of ever getting back together. I found out cause she told me. She was actually really nice about it told him to try to work it out with me and gave me some pretty good advice. Whether if she has an alternative motive what he did was a bad thing. He told me he felt pressured to stay in a relationship. I'll admit I always fight hard for my relationship even if it's the wrong one. I wanted so bad to try to make things worse. He told me that if we were good and then going through a rough patch he would try to work things out. But since its been so rollercoaster from the start he can't get past it. I found out from his ex he had some similar traits with her. Hard to talk to and she felt like she had to walk on eggshells. She genuinely asked me if I was happy. So what's my fear. I'm afraid of being alone. And I wonder if my pressuring to have him stay in a relationship made him cheat and is my fault. I'm 29 years old and don't want to date anymore I'm ready for marriage. Any words of inspiration would be great!
Author whatwhit Posted November 23, 2016 Author Posted November 23, 2016 Oh yeah so I forgot to mention he broke up with me. And I'm devastated and I know it's pathetic because he didn't respect me.
Gaeta Posted November 23, 2016 Posted November 23, 2016 I am very sorry for the heartbreak you are going through. I know it feels terrible I think all of us have been there before. Although it feels like it's the end of the world and you'll never find someone else it's not true and that horrible feeling will pass. A break up is not only the end of something it is also a new beginning. A new beginning that will allow you to find someone that is better, more compatible, more in love with you. For now you need to mourn the end of this relationship. Yes it hurts and let it hurt, it's normal it does. Surround yourself with people you love and loves you unconditionally. spend time with your family and friends and let them be a balm on your wounds. Find interest in a new hobby and treat yourself to your favorites. Maybe even look up going on a trip abroad. The feeling of loss will subside and leave all the place for hope again. It's a promise. 2
BluesPower Posted November 23, 2016 Posted November 23, 2016 I get everything that you said and I read the old post. You are just so young even a 29, you have your entire life in front of you. I am going to tell you some stuff a lot of us learned the hard way many years later. You have to become comfortable in your own skin. I know that is not what you want to hear, but it is the truth. Next, you need to be ok being alone because if you don't get there, you will continue to date men like your ex. You want to get to a happy healthy place, comfortable with life, and then find the man that you want to spend the rest of your life with. If you get some therapy and work on yourself, you will be in such a better place to find a mate. Maybe you don't have "forever" at 29 but you have so much life in front of you. Take your time, heal, and move forward the right way... 5
smackie9 Posted November 23, 2016 Posted November 23, 2016 Your fears will come true if you keep in a relationship with him, keep being in a relationship for all the wrong reasons, and if you continue relationships with guys like him. You are digging yourself your own grave as we speak. 2
Gr8fuln2020 Posted November 23, 2016 Posted November 23, 2016 So I'm sure some of you have followed my relationship story. I was in a very toxic relationship and my boyfriend for once confirmed that he did something unfaithful. Tried reaching out to his ex girlfriend who lives in his hometown - he'll be there next month. Told her he's single and asked her if they have a chance of ever getting back together. I found out cause she told me. She was actually really nice about it told him to try to work it out with me and gave me some pretty good advice. Whether if she has an alternative motive what he did was a bad thing. He told me he felt pressured to stay in a relationship. I'll admit I always fight hard for my relationship even if it's the wrong one. I wanted so bad to try to make things worse. He told me that if we were good and then going through a rough patch he would try to work things out. But since its been so rollercoaster from the start he can't get past it. I found out from his ex he had some similar traits with her. Hard to talk to and she felt like she had to walk on eggshells. She genuinely asked me if I was happy. So what's my fear. I'm afraid of being alone. And I wonder if my pressuring to have him stay in a relationship made him cheat and is my fault. I'm 29 years old and don't want to date anymore I'm ready for marriage. Any words of inspiration would be great! Unfortunately, the break-up was for the better. He was never yours to keep. How far along in your relationship did he start contacting his ex? After the troubles, early on? Recently? Doesn't matter. I've known and know ladies like you. You will not find a healthy, happy relationship b/c you value the warm body more than you do the love, kindness, respect you receive from that warm body. You try TOO hard and you probably think yourself a romantic for it. Contrary to the idea of being a romantic, some reciprocity has to occur. If only one person is trying, then it becomes a tragedy. YOU deserve what is good for you. GOOD, not just what is available or willing to stick around.YOU cannot make anyone stay and smothering them typically drives people away who are looking to get-away in the first place. I know all too well having been in a relationship with a gorgeous woman with boundary issues who tried to hold onto to something she lost but wouldn't let go and only succeeded in driving us further apart...worse, my losing respect for her. Believe that you deserve a GOOD man and for the RIGHT reasons. 1
Arieswoman Posted November 23, 2016 Posted November 23, 2016 whatwit, I'm sorry for your predicament. Let's put this one to bed first; And I wonder if my pressuring to have him stay in a relationship made him cheat and is my fault. Never, ever, take responsibility for someone else's cheating. It was NOT your fault. Repeat it was NOT your fault. If your bf was unhappy he had umpteen courses of action open to him - talking to you about it for a start. He chose to cheat - that's all on him. You say that your r/ship was toxic, so, please, be very thankful that you can now get out of it and look for something better. I'm afraid of being alone That's an understandable, very real fear. I've been there. But take it from me, you can be more lonely in an unfulfilling relationship that actually living on your own. You say that your are " ready for marriage" but are you really ready? Why do you want to be married? Do you want a family? Do you want someone to pay the bills? Is it because you don't want to be alone? Maybe these are some questions you could ponder on? 4
eightytwenty Posted November 23, 2016 Posted November 23, 2016 Girl get out of that mess... Once you learn how that deep breathe of freedom is, you won't want to go back to miserable relationships. Break ups are hard, staying with someone that isn't right for you is harder. Might not believe that now, but you will once you get over it. 4
kendahke Posted November 23, 2016 Posted November 23, 2016 (edited) I'll admit I always fight hard for my relationship even if it's the wrong one. Any words of inspiration would be great! Fix this. It is a colossal waste of youth and time dealing with wrong relationships. You're pressuring the wrong man to stay in a relationship with you, this is true, but that is not an excuse for him cheating. He cheated because he wanted to cheat. Period. He could just have easily not cheated, too. The choice presented itself and he went with cheating. That is him telling you that your value to him doesn't rise above the value of the person he had sex with... in fact, it says he raised her value above yours and you were supposed to be his girlfriend. I'm 29 years old and don't want to date anymore I'm ready for marriage. You'd be better served being ready for a relationship which honors your esteem. Marriage to a cheater isn't a coup. Edited November 23, 2016 by kendahke 4
Author whatwhit Posted November 25, 2016 Author Posted November 25, 2016 Is it sad that I expected him to at least say happy thanksgiving to myself? I don't want him back I just wish he felt some sort of remorse. He did apologize and told me I don't deserve this. But that still doesn't feel like enough. I never been cheated on ( at least that I know of ) how do I get passed this? Esp around the holidays?
OatsAndHall Posted November 25, 2016 Posted November 25, 2016 Is it sad that I expected him to at least say happy thanksgiving to myself? I don't want him back I just wish he felt some sort of remorse. He did apologize and told me I don't deserve this. But that still doesn't feel like enough. I never been cheated on ( at least that I know of ) how do I get passed this? Esp around the holidays? The holidays are still rough on me too. I worked on Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas, New Years Ever and New Years Day after my divorce. I spent a little time with my family but I knew the downtime on those days would drive me nuts so I spent them at work. You're not responsible for him cheating on you. Please, do not take blame for it. There is no excuse for infidelity in a relationship and that is all on him. I went through something similar but thankfully I was able to sit back and tell myself that her infidelity showed what kind of person she is and was no way a reflection on who I am.
BaileyB Posted November 26, 2016 Posted November 26, 2016 How do I get passed this? Esp around the holidays? You grieve. You just have to feel the sadness and grieve the loss of the relationship that you hoped you had... The relationship that you thought you had. Do what you can to fill your days with the things you enjoy. Spend time with family and friends. It is not fun, but it's all you can do and this too shall pass. You are so young... True freedom comes from knowing that you don't need another person in your life to be happy. Obviously, it's wonderful to have a partner and you will have that again someday, I'm sure. But know this, it's better to be on your own than in an unhealthy relationship/marriage. Trust me. 2
smackie9 Posted November 26, 2016 Posted November 26, 2016 Holidays are best spent with family and friends....... 1
kendahke Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 Not being alone during the holidays is one of the worst reasons to stay in a dead relationship with someone who cheated on you. 2
elaine567 Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 I'll admit I always fight hard for my relationship even if it's the wrong one. I wanted so bad to try to make things worse. I know this is an autocorrect error, but you inadvertently hit the nail on the head. The others are correct, do not stay and try to make it work with losers because you don't want to be alone. That is a recipe for disaster and the road to a shedload of unhappiness. 3
kvolm2016 Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 Sorry for this pain you are dealing with. And you are right, it seems especially hard during the holidays. Reading your post, it seems like there are some personal issues that might be helped by doing some individual counseling. Are you currently seeing a counselor? If not, is that something you would be open to doing to help you work through some of this?
Author whatwhit Posted November 28, 2016 Author Posted November 28, 2016 I will be having my first appointment today. I am pretty excited about it. This weekend I went out of the city to visit a friends small town -rode her horse. First time I didnt cry all day and feel sick in my stomach. I just wish he would feel some sort of remorse. He did apologize but I don't know it just doesn't seem like enough. I guess nothing will feel like enough besides being able to go in the past and have the whole cheating scenario never happen.
kvolm2016 Posted November 30, 2016 Posted November 30, 2016 Glad to hear that you will be getting some support from a counselor. I hope your initial meeting went well today. What did you think?
TheTraveler Posted November 30, 2016 Posted November 30, 2016 Holidays are best spent with family and friends....... Lol no Holidays are best spent with gf/bf, fiancee, wife/husband
Arieswoman Posted November 30, 2016 Posted November 30, 2016 Holidays are best spent with those people who you love, like, respect and trust, who in turn love, like respect and support you 3
Mkn1010 Posted December 1, 2016 Posted December 1, 2016 I just wanted to reply to give you some encouragement! I was stuck in a bad relationship for a large part of my 20's and I too was cheated on (in fact walked in on him in bed with someone else). I was 28 when I left that relationship and filled with fear about starting over and missing my chance to 'settle down' given I was 'getting old'. Trust me, when you are out for a few more months none of this will matter! You will be so damn relieved, trust me! And silly ideals that used to be important may not even concern you anymore. Your life with get exponentially better just by virtue of the crap relationship being over. You are CLOSER NOW to achieving your dreams as you are now open for the real deal than when you were wasting time within a relationship with someone who is capable of cheating! Next I wanted to say that I used to always want my ex to feel remorse and give me an epic apology, but that was my poor self worth talking! There is NOTHING to be gained by receiving so called 'remorse' from someone who lied/betrayed you. What exactly would that remorse mean (does an apology from a proven liar actually mean anything?) and could you ever even believe the words spoken from him again? It would not be wise to entertain that prospect
Author whatwhit Posted December 1, 2016 Author Posted December 1, 2016 My first therapy session went ok. Not sure if I like her. But I guess it was nice to talk to her about the relationship. She mentioned how him breaking up with me was probably a blessing in deguise because I was never going to do it. Which she is right. I wanted it to work out so bad. But idk I didn't learn anything earth shattering. Struggling with the no contact lately. I haven't reached out nor has he.
BluesPower Posted December 1, 2016 Posted December 1, 2016 Let me help with some of that... You know I am 52 and I just want to say that the therapy thing does not happen over night. I have been up and down with all of my stuff like a yoyo. It usually does not happen like a bolt of lightning, it is like a pot of water starting to boil. It starts to get warm, and warmer , and finally it starts boiling. It is a slow process but it is one that you have to go through in order to get healthy and get your head in the right place. It is better to become self aware now and deal with the issues that you have now at 29 than waiting 10 years and trying to figure out why you are in a bad marriage with 3 kids. If you do the hard work now, you will set yourself up for a much happier life down the road... 2
kendahke Posted December 1, 2016 Posted December 1, 2016 My first therapy session went ok. Not sure if I like her. But I guess it was nice to talk to her about the relationship. She mentioned how him breaking up with me was probably a blessing in deguise because I was never going to do it. Which she is right. I wanted it to work out so bad. But idk I didn't learn anything earth shattering. That's pretty much what you should expect from one session. You two haven't even begun to approach the heavy lift. Struggling with the no contact lately. I haven't reached out nor has he. Stay the course. You are seeing in plain view where you sit on his priority list. Breaking N/C will not move you up to a more desirable position. He can't be arsed to communicate with you... that is where this involvement stands.
kendahke Posted December 1, 2016 Posted December 1, 2016 Let me help with some of that... You know I am 52 and I just want to say that the therapy thing does not happen over night. I have been up and down with all of my stuff like a yoyo. It usually does not happen like a bolt of lightning, it is like a pot of water starting to boil. It starts to get warm, and warmer , and finally it starts boiling. It is a slow process but it is one that you have to go through in order to get healthy and get your head in the right place. It is better to become self aware now and deal with the issues that you have now at 29 than waiting 10 years and trying to figure out why you are in a bad marriage with 3 kids. If you do the hard work now, you will set yourself up for a much happier life down the road... Perfectly put. Whatwhit, read this over and over again. Wise words here. 1
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