Author DK_Casus Posted November 25, 2016 Author Posted November 25, 2016 I'm not the one who jokingly or passively asks for the kiss. That's what you do. I read body language So, are you in a happy LTR now, or? I've been in a few that started with similar ways to get the first kiss. I mean, if this was Hollywood and you were really John Wayne - then maybe it would matter how you got your kiss. But in the real world, we're up against the reality of such things not being terribly important to most people.
TheTraveler Posted November 25, 2016 Posted November 25, 2016 So, are you in a happy LTR now, or? I've been in a few that started with similar ways to get the first kiss. I mean, if this was Hollywood and you were really John Wayne - then maybe it would matter how you got your kiss. But in the real world, we're up against the reality of such things not being terribly important to most people. Read your own posts in this thread. You will find your answer
Author DK_Casus Posted November 25, 2016 Author Posted November 25, 2016 Read your own posts in this thread. You will find your answer That's both helpful and insightful - which is clearly your overall intention, so thank you for that 1
Els Posted November 25, 2016 Posted November 25, 2016 I think I would be a nervous wreck if I actually had to 'date' the way some of you guys do, so I completely understand . Going out with a complete stranger and yet with the expectation of things being 'romantic' or 'sexy'... those two just don't mesh in my mind. I've always gotten to know guys as friends first through normal activities, so by the time we started 'dating', there wasn't the nervousness/pressure of it being a stranger anymore. We knew each other. Sure there was still a little bit of nerves at the start, but that makes it more exciting. Is that an option for you? 1
Author DK_Casus Posted November 25, 2016 Author Posted November 25, 2016 I think I would be a nervous wreck if I actually had to 'date' the way some of you guys do, so I completely understand . Going out with a complete stranger and yet with the expectation of things being 'romantic' or 'sexy'... those two just don't mesh in my mind. I've always gotten to know guys as friends first through normal activities, so by the time we started 'dating', there wasn't the nervousness/pressure of it being a stranger anymore. We knew each other. Sure there was still a little bit of nerves, but that makes it more exciting. Is that an option for you? I don't actually expect things to be romantic or sexy - but I would like them to be As for the kiss, as I said, it was more going through the motions for me. I wasn't really attracted to her - but I tend to use the first kiss as a "final" guage for that kind of thing. I mean, if the kiss is good - then good things often follow. It's not deeper than that. But believe me, I would MUCH rather meet a girl under the circumstances you mention. Unfortunately, my social circle is pretty much all male these days. I've had opportunities in the past - but I've either been in a relationship or I've simply not taken advantage of them. I'm only using OLD because it's convenient and available - not because I think it's a great idea. Obviously, I need to get off my ass and be more pro-active. Is there a hot girl available here who's near Denmark?
Sunkissedpatio Posted November 25, 2016 Posted November 25, 2016 (edited) That's both helpful and insightful - which is clearly your overall intention, so thank you for that :lmao: Look based on your interactions here alone I think you'll have absolutely no problem attracting a keeper sooner than later. Your wit alone is pretty hot. For a lot of us women sex starts in the brain, sure we have to totally like what we see but if she is out on a date with you she already likes what she sees, unless these are OLD dates? Getting back into the dating thing is a bit weird especially after a long time of being in a relationship. And the first date jitters are always there. I empathize with you guys because you sure put a lot of effort into pursuing and leaving yourself vulnerable to rejection which can't be easy especially after a break-up. But then it's like you said, if the vibe is there and you are with someone that you feel brings out the best in you it's easy to let loose and be into your own within minutes of being on the date. The problem is when you meet someone from online and they are not what you expected in person and the chemistry just isn't there. They may look like their pics but it just isn't there for whatever reason. Suggestion if you are going on online dates, always talk on the phone first it really does make that first meet way less awkward. You can generally see what your dynamic will be by talking on the phone. The worst is to meet someone that looks good on paper but is as exciting as a piece of wet lettuce (iceberg, none of that field greens good stuff) But if you talk on the phone first at least you'll have a decent enough time because you know the banter is there. I went on like three dates over the last two months with guys I met organically and that was a way better way to get back into the swing of things and now I am taking OLD a little more seriously. Edited November 25, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio
Author DK_Casus Posted November 25, 2016 Author Posted November 25, 2016 :lmao: Look based on your interactions here alone I think you'll have absolutely no problem attracting a keeper sooner than later. Your wit alone is pretty hot. Kind of you to say For a lot of us women sex starts in the brain, sure we have to totally like what we see but if she is out on a date with you she already likes what she sees, unless these are OLD dates? This was OLD - and though I try to take pictures that look like me - they're never quite the same as RL, as we all know. Unlike John Wayne above - I find it very, very hard to read if a girl is attracted to me on a first date through body language alone. Not so much in everyday life - but on a first date - I think we're especially prone to misinterpretation. I've been on a date where the woman claimed to be "in love" with me BEFORE we even met (I found this out later on and we actually became a couple for 2 years) - based on having witnessed text-based interactions with others. Yet, on the actual date, she read - to me - as having no interest whatsoever - and she actually rejected the first kiss. So..... Getting back into the dating thing is a bit weird especially after a long time of being in a relationship. And the first date jitters are always there. I empathize with you guys because you sure put a lot of effort into pursuing and leaving yourself vulnerable to rejection which can't be easy especially after a break-up. But then it's like you said, if the vibe is there and you are with someone that you feel brings out the best in you it's easy to let loose and be into your own within minutes of being on the date. The problem is when you meet someone from online and they are not what you expected in person and the chemistry just isn't there. They may look like their pics but it just isn't there for whatever reason. Suggestion if you are going on online dates, always talk on the phone first it really does make that first meet way less awkward. You can generally see what your dynamic will be by talking on the phone. The worst is to meet someone that looks good on paper but is as exciting as a piece of wet lettuce (iceberg, none of that field greens good stuff) Some good advice, thank you. As for the phone suggestion, I actually thought of that myself after this date. But, ironically, I find talking on the phone with a complete stranger (as a potential romantic mate) even more nerve-racking than meeting them in person for the first time, so I tend to cowardly avoid it. I'm an empathic person and I'm highly reliant on facial expressions and body language for effective communication. Again, because I'm a control-freak. I've done the phone thing many times in the past, but always on their behest. I'm thinking I should man up about this and initiate it in the future. I went on like three dates over the last two months with guys I met organically and that was a way better way to get back into the swing of things and now I am taking OLD a little more seriously. Meaning you have access to guys like that. But you're still here - so it's not like the success rate is that much higher, or?
TheTraveler Posted November 25, 2016 Posted November 25, 2016 I'm an empathic person and I'm highly reliant on facial expressions and body language for effective communication. Again, because I'm a control-freak. No, you are not
Author DK_Casus Posted November 25, 2016 Author Posted November 25, 2016 No, you are not John Wayne strikes again with amazing insight! You're making quite the impression - and it's all based on just wanting to help. Doesn't get any better than that! *kisses*
Sunkissedpatio Posted November 25, 2016 Posted November 25, 2016 This was OLD - and though I try to take pictures that look like me - they're never quite the same as RL, as we all know. Unlike John Wayne above - I find it very, very hard to read if a girl is attracted to me on a first date through body language alone. Not so much in everyday life - but on a first date - I think we're especially prone to misinterpretation Well that's the set back of OLD, it is nerve-wracking on so many levels as opposed to when you meet first where you already established some compatibility, the chemistry is there because you have already interacted. With OLD you have to worry if you will like them, then you have to worry if they will like you, then if they like you but you don't like them and then if you like them and they don't you. Too many variables to build the nerves before that first meet so it's understandable. I've been on a date where the woman claimed to be "in love" with me BEFORE we even met (I found this out later on and we actually became a couple for 2 years) - based on having witnessed text-based interactions with others. Yet, on the actual date, she read - to me - as having no interest whatsoever - and she actually rejected the first kiss. So..... Funny you say that, my ex couldn't have gotten a more mistaken read on me as well after our first date. He thought I was lukewarm meanwhile I was totally vibing with him. He wanted to order dinner, but I was so enthralled with our conversation I declined dinner and just wanted to keep talking to him and we kept ordering wine and the waiter kept asking ready to order? And we kept asking him to come back because we were in the middle of stories etc. And yet he interpreted my not wanting dinner yet as a sign that I wasn't interested. We laughed about this til the last days of being together how he was head over the minute he met me and I "couldn't wait to get away" Sure sure, 4 hours and I don't know how much wine later, "I was dying to get away...":laugh: And I was thinking he was super hard to read until we went home and I got a text from him as soon as I walked in the door, then I knew for sure. It's funny the things we fail to see on those first dates. Ya the phone thing is a must, I hate it too trust me! It is beyond awkward but one date with a man that was so effeminate sounding when I met him cured me of the habit of not talking on the phone first. I'll never forget it, I quaffed that gin and tonic so fast to get out of there I think he thought I was an alcoholic. Meaning you have access to guys like that. But you're still here - so it's not like the success rate is that much higher, or? Well I came here to process and let go of my last relationship which I am still processing... and I've stuck around to pay it forward because many helped me in that time of need. In all fairness the men I met were more than fine, if I am brutally honest I think I am not 100% ready of heart yet but it was fun getting out there and doing my "stretches before I do my circuit training" Meeting guys organically is great but there is still the compatibility issue too, I've been comparing too much to my ex so that's not good, so I'm back to riding it out solo for now.
joseb Posted November 25, 2016 Posted November 25, 2016 A lot of people recommend a phone call beforehand. This is great if you both have a great phone manner. Many people, myself included, just don't come across well on the phone. I've almost blown a couple of early dates by calling. One girl I was actually dating hung up on me thinking I was a prank caller! So for some of us, calling is really not a good idea. I'm with op on this one - I'd actually be nervous calling someone I didn't know. No issues meeting them in person
Author DK_Casus Posted November 25, 2016 Author Posted November 25, 2016 Well that's the set back of OLD, it is nerve-wracking on so many levels as opposed to when you meet first where you already established some compatibility, the chemistry is there because you have already interacted. With OLD you have to worry if you will like them, then you have to worry if they will like you, then if they like you but you don't like them and then if you like them and they don't you. Too many variables to build the nerves before that first meet so it's understandable. On the other hand, I have made good use of it before - because you can actually go more in-depth before meeting people than you usually do when asking someone out IRL that you don't really know. Lots of potential red flags and incompatibilities can be established. However, that does require that the girl is willing to spend a few weeks talking - and it's my experience that a lot of them want to meet up fast, which I think defeats one of the (very) few advantages of OLD. Funny you say that, my ex couldn't have gotten a more mistaken read on me as well after our first date. He thought I was lukewarm meanwhile I was totally vibing with him. He wanted to order dinner, but I was so enthralled with our conversation I declined dinner and just wanted to keep talking to him and we kept ordering wine and the waiter kept asking ready to order? And we kept asking him to come back because we were in the middle of stories etc. And yet he interpreted my not wanting dinner yet as a sign that I wasn't interested. We laughed about this til the last days of being together how he was head over the minute he met me and I "couldn't wait to get away" Sure sure, 4 hours and I don't know how much wine later, "I was dying to get away...":laugh: And I was thinking he was super hard to read until we went home and I got a text from him as soon as I walked in the door, then I knew for sure. It's funny the things we fail to see on those first dates. I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way. That doesn't mean I can't see the advantages of being agressive and simply assume a girl is into me, regardless. I don't buy into the whole psychic deal where you can always read if she wants more than talk - unless it's spelled out. So, I think it's more about simply acting without being terribly invested in whether she likes it or not. That's not me, however - and it would be playing a part that has nothing to do with me. Ya the phone thing is a must, I hate it too trust me! It is beyond awkward but one date with a man that was so effeminate sounding when I met him cured me of the habit of not talking on the phone first. I'll never forget it, I quaffed that gin and tonic so fast to get out of there I think he thought I was an alcoholic. That sounds pretty terrible. But that's why I usually spend more time getting to know the girl before I agree to meet. They're almost always the ones to initiate it, actually. While you can't establish sound of voice or complete chemistry - I find I've been quite lucky overall, and I've had few bad experiences when doing it "my way". Well I came here to process and let go of my last relationship which I am still processing... and I've stuck around to pay it forward because many helped me in that time of need. I didn't mean here as in on Loveshack. More like here without a partner In all fairness the men I met were more than fine, if I am brutally honest I think I am not 100% ready of heart yet but it was fun getting out there and doing my "stretches before I do my circuit training" Meeting guys organically is great but there is still the compatibility issue too, I've been comparing too much to my ex so that's not good, so I'm back to riding it out solo for now. I think it's healthy to "get into practice" even when you're not ready. However, I can't really do that myself. I spent a few months considering dating after becoming single - but I ultimately didn't pursue it seriously. I just wasn't emotionally available. Now I am, though. Doesn't mean the past has left me - but I feel ready to move on and try something new. Also, I've had to shed a few of those nasty post-relationship pounds too
Sunkissedpatio Posted November 25, 2016 Posted November 25, 2016 A lot of people recommend a phone call beforehand. This is great if you both have a great phone manner. Many people, myself included, just don't come across well on the phone. I've almost blown a couple of early dates by calling. One girl I was actually dating hung up on me thinking I was a prank caller! So for some of us, calling is really not a good idea. I'm with op on this one - I'd actually be nervous calling someone I didn't know. No issues meeting them in person Im sorry that really made me laugh Joseb! I can totally empathize with that though. It is super awkward to talk on the phone with a stranger. Even if you are totally outgoing. But with your Australian accent an all you'd think you have it in the bag? Though I suppose that would only work if you are talking to non-Aussies... On the other hand, I have made good use of it before - because you can actually go more in-depth before meeting people than you usually do when asking someone out IRL that you don't really know. Lots of potential red flags and incompatibilities can be established. However, that does require that the girl is willing to spend a few weeks talking - and it's my experience that a lot of them want to meet up fast, which I think defeats one of the (very) few advantages of OLD. Very true, it's a fine line between spending too much time building expectations that could come crumbling down in an instant when you meet vs not using the medium as an advantage to get some of those red flags out of the way. I find it way worse when someone wants to rush from hello to let's meet than spending a little longer than you'd like talking back and forth. I don't buy into the whole psychic deal where you can always read if she wants more than talk - unless it's spelled out. So, I think it's more about simply acting without being terribly invested in whether she likes it or not. True it's hard to tell sometimes. I don't understand why you forced the kiss with this girl if you were only mildly interested though? Sometimes a kiss on the first date, unless there is a lot of obvious chemistry happening, can really backfire because not enough rapport and sexual chemistry has been built yet... I think it's healthy to "get into practice" even when you're not ready. Ya i have been trying that out for size and I really REALLY think it isn't me. Never been one to jump into dating when I finish a relationship and I thought maybe I could try to do it differently this time around, but no...no use...old dog new tricks and all that nonsense...
Author DK_Casus Posted November 25, 2016 Author Posted November 25, 2016 Very true, it's a fine line between spending too much time building expectations that could come crumbling down in an instant when you meet vs not using the medium as an advantage to get some of those red flags out of the way. I find it way worse when someone wants to rush from hello to let's meet than spending a little longer than you'd like talking back and forth. I would be lying if I said I never had any expectations - but I'm actually really good at not investing too much until the actual meeting. The vinegar of possible rejection is never great - but I would never assume anything at all - no matter how great the conversations have been. That's why I'm completely baffled by the girls I've met who've seemed almost determined before the first meet. If you're going to try some OLD - I highly recommend giving it a little more time. I don't understand why you forced the kiss with this girl if you were only mildly interested though? Sometimes a kiss on the first date, unless there is a lot of obvious chemistry happening, can really backfire because not enough rapport and sexual chemistry has been built yet... I wouldn't call it forced It was a situation where I could have just kissed her - but I chose to be certain and made the question a light thing to avoid making her awkward in case she didn't want one - which is why I asked in a playful manner. I mean, the time from the question to the kiss was probably around 1.5 seconds. As for why, I think that was more about me trying to keep my options open. I didn't personally feel much at all - and I couldn't read her - so the kiss was a way to make sure, which is what I like to be. Maybe it was selfish - because ultimately I admit I enjoy the validation of being able to turn women on. Kissing is one of the things I know how to do I like to tease and play a lot even during the first kiss, but in this case, she just didn't want to go that way - and so I must admit defeat! As you said, I also think sex is ultimately about our minds. This is where my need for control and my somewhat dominating nature comes to my aid. But, alas, doesn't always work.... Ya i have been trying that out for size and I really REALLY think it isn't me. Never been one to jump into dating when I finish a relationship and I thought maybe I could try to do it differently this time around, but no...no use...old dog new tricks and all that nonsense... Some things just aren't in our nature
joseb Posted November 25, 2016 Posted November 25, 2016 Im sorry that really made me laugh Joseb! I can totally empathize with that though. It is super awkward to talk on the phone with a stranger. Even if you are totally outgoing. But with your Australian accent an all you'd think you have it in the bag? Though I suppose that would only work if you are talking to non-Aussies... I'm actually Irish, accent is fine with people in person The girl wasn't even a stranger, we had been with each other a few times. It's ok, she and I had a laugh about it when we met up again, and agreed text only or face to face anymore. She just couldn't believe how different I sounded. She is also not a native english speaker so makes it even worse.
Sunkissedpatio Posted November 26, 2016 Posted November 26, 2016 I would be lying if I said I never had any expectations - but I'm actually really good at not investing too much until the actual meeting. Ya that's key. Still when you really connect with someone prior to meeting them you really hope you will like them and then you really hope they will like you. that's the anxiety part, it's excitement, fear of the unknown and anxiety all rolled into one. I wouldn't call it forced It was a situation where I could have just kissed her - but I chose to be certain and made the question a light thing to avoid making her awkward in case she didn't want one - which is why I asked in a playful manner. I mean, the time from the question to the kiss was probably around 1.5 seconds. As for why, I think that was more about me trying to keep my options open. I didn't personally feel much at all - and I couldn't read her - so the kiss was a way to make sure, which is what I like to be. That makes sense! I wasn't inferring that because you asked for the kiss it was forced, I think asking for a kiss sometimes can really work even better than just going in for it since that can prove to be quite awkward if you aren't ready for it. I meant since you said you were lukewarm in terms of interest why bother going for the effort of the kiss. But your explanation made sense. I'm actually Irish, accent is fine with people in person Ooooh even better! I was originally going to say "it's your silly Aussie accent" but didn't want to offend you. Uk accents are definitely better.
OatsAndHall Posted November 26, 2016 Posted November 26, 2016 Here's how I approach dates: 1. I walk in not worrying about how things will go. I am there enjoy myself first and foremost, meet someone and see if there's any kind of connection. I'm not there to sell myself to them. I'm going to be myself and if they like it, they like it. If they don't, they don't. 2. I do my best to exude confidence without coming across as arrogant. There's a lot that goes into this; eye contact, tone of voice, body language, handling topics of conversation etc.. But, most of it gets back to my attitude in #1. 3. I focus on trying to make her laugh as much as possible. Nothing brings the tension down on a first date like getting a chuckle out of a woman and doing so consistently. I have a dry, sarcastic sense of humor so I have had to refine this a bit. 4. I try to pick up on things that she is interested in and run with them in a conversation. I'll ask her questions about her interests if I'm not familiar with them and will toss in my own experiences if I am. I pay very close attention to what she is saying and keep the conversation flowing throughout the entire date. Hell, I chatted with a woman about how the vampire from Twilight is basically a pedophile for an hour and a half. Completely and totally random bullchit but we had fun with it. 5. I avoid the "compatibility" or "relationship" talks as much as possible. Nothing kills he vibe of those first few dates for me quicker than getting too deep. If the "what are you looking for" question comes up, I head it off with a simple, honest answer. "I'm just looking for someone who is open, honest, communicates with me and can enjoy my company and vice versa". Nothing more, nothing less. I recently had a date where everything was going GREAT until she started questioning me about my "deal breakers" and "compatibility issues" in a relationship. We were just having a great discussion about a few movies we liked, where quoted various lines, laughed and really loosened up. Then she starts asking me what I think about having friends of the opposite sex and if I've ever been cheated on. It totally ****ed up the rest of the date. 6. I always dress casually for the first few dates. Jeans and a button up, collared shirt. I have a nice leather jacket but I wear my Carhartt denim jacket if it's cold out on the first few dates. That may sound odd to some people but it's made dates far more comfortable and casual. This is assuming that we haven't agreed upon a fancy restaurant for a first date. Then it's khakis, the leather jacket and a sweater 6. I try to schedule dates early in the evening to leave us time to go do something else or just hang out and chat if it's going well. I will ask a woman if she wants to go see a movie she's into that kind of thing and the date is clicking along. What can I say, the "movie-move" is fun and it's nice to have a little physical affection. I do generally end up kissing a woman on the first date. Not a make out session: just a peck. 7. I NEVER sleep with a woman on the first date and tend to avoid going to bed together until we have three to four dates under our belts. I get emotionally attached to the women I sleep with, it clouds my judgement and I miss red flags as we go along.. I also tend to avoid going out for drinks on those first few dates as I have found that a little bit of booze can screw up this rule in a hurry.
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