How I loathe the dating process

[DK_Casus]

So, I'm going out on my first date after being single for 3.5 months.

 

I'm the guy who worries and overthinks these things - despite having had my share of dates in the past. Very few bad ones - and a high success rate in general.

 

It's always the same. 5-10 minutes into the date - and I'm my usual confident self again - and my dates never seem to notice the initial anxiety. I expect this to be no different - or rather, I hope it's going to be no different.

 

Also, I'm the kind of guy who strongly prefers his comfort zone - and I do NOT step out of it very often.

 

So, anything involving this level of having to be "on" is a big deal for me.

 

I know it's ridiculous and I hate how much I build it up in my mind. "Oh-no what if I'm rejected" and bla bla bla.

 

How do YOU handle this crap?

[Grey40]

So, I'm going out on my first date after being single for 3.5 months.

 

I'm the guy who worries and overthinks these things - despite having had my share of dates in the past. Very few bad ones - and a high success rate in general.

 

It's always the same. 5-10 minutes into the date - and I'm my usual confident self again - and my dates never seem to notice the initial anxiety. I expect this to be no different - or rather, I hope it's going to be no different.

 

Also, I'm the kind of guy who strongly prefers his comfort zone - and I do NOT step out of it very often.

 

So, anything involving this level of having to be "on" is a big deal for me.

 

I know it's ridiculous and I hate how much I build it up in my mind. "Oh-no what if I'm rejected" and bla bla bla.

 

How do YOU handle this crap?

 

This is normal, it's always a little nerve wracking especially if you're very attracted to the person. The best thing to do is to not expect anything. Just go and have a good time and try not to worry about anything else. Don't worry what she's thinking, don't worry about what youre saying or feeling or any of that crap. The soul focus is to have a good time--that's it. Once you start thinking about the outcome/end result you start to act unnatural and nervous. Don't worry about making an awesome impression just have fun and you WILL make a good one.

 

There are billions of women on this planet, this girl is just another number in the pile. There are and will be many others. That's gotta be your mindset going in, otherwise you put her on a pedestal and try too hard and mess it all up. The key is don't think at all. Just have fun, be natural.

Edited November 23, 2016 by Grey40

[Superchicken]

I have already commented on what kind of person you portrayed to me on another post.

 

 

You need to understand, its not just you that has these feelings. All guys that want a real connection with their dates, will fear the same things.. Does she think I'm OK looking", "Am I too boring", etc.. Well, at least I think some of these.

 

 

Be yourself, and not confine you personality to your close friends.

This will bite you in the ass later, when you start to get comfortable and open up a little, and then get into trouble or arguments.

As you know, with some of my posts, I express openly, and don't hold back. But, that doesn't mean I don't respect the person (Sorry, cheaters I don't respect).

Be yourself, don't hold back, and enjoy your date.

Because if you hold back on who you are on the date, the other person may not like what you will become later.

 

 

And hey, if you act normal, and she doesn't like you, then, be it.

There's another women around the corner, that will like you for what type of person you are.

 

 

Ted.

[DK_Casus]

Of course you're both right - and I thank you for your input.

 

I'm not a person who can put on an act no matter what I do - and that's not always ideal. But authenticity is definitely not a problem for me

 

I guess I was just looking for a way to soothe my nerves - but I know there's nothing anyone can do or say. It's trivial stuff - and we've all been there

[Superchicken]

Hold on, we ALL put on an act when we first meet our dates.

Come on, your not going to go all "Hey, Wow, Weeee" when your on your first date..

Its more like.. "I better pay for the meals, and drinks", and "****, did I come on too strong", and best, "Why the F**K did I say THAT !".

 

 

Na, we all put on an act. We are all Popes in the Vatican.

However, 2nd and third dates, we tend to unwind a little..

Still we say stupid things.. That's "Guy" nature.

What defines us from the players, is we have remorse and embarrassment on what we say and do. Players don't care at all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you get a little nervous, just yell out "Superchicken Help me".

She may think your weird, but I can guarantee, you'll laugh, like you doing now I bet !.

 

 

I wish you good luck, and be yourself.

Oh, and women love humour, so use it.

 

 

Ted.

[DK_Casus]

Hold on, we ALL put on an act when we first meet our dates.

Come on, your not going to go all "Hey, Wow, Weeee" when your on your first date..

Its more like.. "I better pay for the meals, and drinks", and "****, did I come on too strong", and best, "Why the F**K did I say THAT !".

 

 

Na, we all put on an act. We are all Popes in the Vatican.

However, 2nd and third dates, we tend to unwind a little..

Still we say stupid things.. That's "Guy" nature.

What defines us from the players, is we have remorse and embarrassment on what we say and do. Players don't care at all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you get a little nervous, just yell out "Superchicken Help me".

She may think your weird, but I can guarantee, you'll laugh, like you doing now I bet !.

 

 

I wish you good luck, and be yourself.

Oh, and women love humour, so use it.

 

 

Ted.

 

Just like we all talk 100% sex on Tinder from the get-go, right?

 

No, I don't put on an act as a human being unless my very survival is at stake.

 

In fact, I often make it a point to underline my weaknesses rather than my strengths.

 

That doesn't mean I saturate the girl in everything bad about me - but I definitely don't pretend or act as something I'm not.

 

It's simply not in my nature.

[Newcitygirl]

So, I'm going out on my first date after being single for 3.5 months.

 

I'm the guy who worries and overthinks these things - despite having had my share of dates in the past. Very few bad ones - and a high success rate in general.

 

It's always the same. 5-10 minutes into the date - and I'm my usual confident self again - and my dates never seem to notice the initial anxiety. I expect this to be no different - or rather, I hope it's going to be no different.

 

Also, I'm the kind of guy who strongly prefers his comfort zone - and I do NOT step out of it very often.

 

So, anything involving this level of having to be "on" is a big deal for me.

 

I know it's ridiculous and I hate how much I build it up in my mind. "Oh-no what if I'm rejected" and bla bla bla.

 

How do YOU handle this crap?

 

 

I gave up on dating. Recently I moved to a new city. He claims he isn't dating because of a recent relationship, yet he still has a dating profile up. I don't buy it. I'm back on my gave up on dating mentality.

[DK_Casus]

FYI follow-up if anyone is interested:

 

Well, the date went ok-ish. She wasn't as attractive as her picture (shocking) - and I didn't really "feel it" - but the talk went well, and she certainly has a brain

 

Time went by fast - and we were at this dinner place 30 minutes past their closing time. Two and a half hours total. I gave her plenty of chances to end the date - but she was the one who seemed to want it to go on.

 

However, at the end, with a good atmosphere - I sort of rhetorically and playfully asked if she wanted a kiss - and she said yes in what I would consider an enthusiastic way. But the kiss was the most unsexy kiss I think I've ever had from a non-family member. Her mouth was closed and it was more like a peck on the lips. I said "we can do better, can't we?". She laughed and invited me for one more kiss - which was possibly even less sexy. I tried getting her to open her mouth in a very careful way - but it clearly wasn't happening.

 

To me, that read as her feeling obligated to kiss - but she clearly wasn't that into it - or maybe she was just very shy. She was sort of shy and reserved during the date at first, too - and she's Christian - which I guess might be a factor.

 

So, I'm sort of left with mixed signals - and I'm not particularly engaged.

 

I texted her a pleasant "thank you for a nice date" message - and I received one in the same tone.

 

My gut tells me it's going end here - unless I make the move, which I probably won't.

 

Anyway, I guess it's good that I'm now back in the game.

[joseb]

Ok, i would never ask a girl for a kiss now. Kiss her or don't.

I remember the last time I did that and totally killing the mood.

 

In this case, it sounds like little/no chemistry anyway, so probably not a biggie.

 

For me, I don't get nervous anymore about a date (well definitely not with someone Im metting from online) as I've really no idea if I'm going to either find them attractive or like them. As you found out, pictures are rarely representative these days.

 

I also don't go in with the mentality that I'm trying to impress them or win them over. So really, there isn't a whole lot to be nervous about.

[Satu]

Of course you're both right - and I thank you for your input.

 

I'm not a person who can put on an act no matter what I do - and that's not always ideal. But *authenticity is definitely not a problem for me

 

I guess I was just looking for a way to soothe my nerves - but I know there's nothing anyone can do or say. It's trivial stuff - and we've all been there

 

*Authenticity is a very big plus.

 

Don't be otherwise.

 

When it comes to calming the nerves, mindfulness and breathing are the way to go.

 

 

Take care.

[DK_Casus]

Ok, i would never ask a girl for a kiss now. Kiss her or don't.

I remember the last time I did that and totally killing the mood.

 

In this case, it sounds like little/no chemistry anyway, so probably not a biggie.

 

For me, I don't get nervous anymore about a date (well definitely not with someone Im metting from online) as I've really no idea if I'm going to either find them attractive or like them. As you found out, pictures are rarely representative these days.

 

I also don't go in with the mentality that I'm trying to impress them or win them over. So really, there isn't a whole lot to be nervous about.

 

As I said, it was more of a rhetorical/playful question - and it wasn't like a puppy hoping for a bone

 

I didn't particularly want to kiss her, I just think it's part of the equation of making sure when you're in doubt.

 

But I do tend to make sure she wants a kiss, which can be hard to know in some cases.

 

Anyway, I completely agree there's nothing to be nervous about, rationally speaking. Unfortunately, we're not robots, so...

 

I'd say if you're absolutely 100% calm about a date - then there's something wrong, but that's me

 

In any case, my problem is that I'm spectacularly bad at being nervous - because I'm a comfort and control freak.

[Satu]

snip

 

Anyway, I completely agree there's nothing to be nervous about, rationally speaking. Unfortunately, we're not robots, so...

 

I'd say if you're absolutely 100% calm about a date - then there's something wrong, but that's me

 

In any case, my problem is that I'm spectacularly bad at being nervous - because I'm a comfort and control freak.

 

I'm not sure that I would call what you're experiencing nervousness.

 

I feel the same when I go through my checklist before takeoff, but once the wheels leave the runway, I'm 100% fine.

 

I'd call it "anticipatory arousal" if I had to name it.

 

 

Take care.

[DK_Casus]

snip

 

 

I'm not sure that I would call what you're experiencing nervousness.

 

I feel the same when I go through my checklist before takeoff, but once the wheels leave the runway, I'm 100% fine.

 

I'd call it "anticipatory arousal" if I had to name it.

 

 

Take care.

 

Hehe, whatever it is - it's not pleasant for a guy who's used to being in control at all times

 

But I'm thankful that it ends almost immediately upon the date starting. If only I could convince my stomach of that next time

[joseb]

As I said, it was more of a rhetorical/playful question - and it wasn't like a puppy hoping for a bone

 

I didn't particularly want to kiss her, I just think it's part of the equation of making sure when you're in doubt.

 

But I do tend to make sure she wants a kiss, which can be hard to know in some cases.

 

Anyway, I completely agree there's nothing to be nervous about, rationally speaking. Unfortunately, we're not robots, so...

 

I'd say if you're absolutely 100% calm about a date - then there's something wrong, but that's me

 

In any case, my problem is that I'm spectacularly bad at being nervous - because I'm a comfort and control freak.

 

I'd be a bit excited about a date, so I guess not 100% calm. But pit of the stomach sick feeling and not wanting to go (ie nervous)? No. Definitely not.

[DK_Casus]

I'd be a bit excited about a date, so I guess not 100% calm. But pit of the stomach sick feeling and not wanting to go (ie nervous)? No. Definitely not.

 

In that case, I envy you

[morrowrd]

Yeah, the rejection factor is the big one, right along with the other about "discovering" the other person doesn't look at all like their college year profile picture.

 

Handling it for me usually depended on my mood, which many times was connected to how successful I've been (or not). There were times while dating, meeting women was incredibly easy, and then the dry spells. It was during those dry spells I had to pay close attention to how my moods were, which trickled down to my confidence level while on the date. I know I remember going on one date during that dry spell, the woman was amazing, acted really into the conversation and the date, and in my mind I was hoping it was for real but assuming it wasn't. I sometimes wonder if an I-don't-care tude filtered into my communication, or maybe the opposite. After the date she showed absolutely no interest in further communication.

 

I hated the feeling it generated.

[DK_Casus]

Yeah, the rejection factor is the big one, right along with the other about "discovering" the other person doesn't look at all like their college year profile picture.

 

Handling it for me usually depended on my mood, which many times was connected to how successful I've been (or not). There were times while dating, meeting women was incredibly easy, and then the dry spells. It was during those dry spells I had to pay close attention to how my moods were, which trickled down to my confidence level while on the date. I know I remember going on one date during that dry spell, the woman was amazing, acted really into the conversation and the date, and in my mind I was hoping it was for real but assuming it wasn't. I sometimes wonder if an I-don't-care tude filtered into my communication, or maybe the opposite. After the date she showed absolutely no interest in further communication.

 

I hated the feeling it generated.

 

Good points.

 

I definitely think I was more nervous this time than I usually am - without a doubt because it was my first date in a few years.

 

Also, my confidence works in strange ways.

 

As in, I'm always extremely sceptical when it comes to whether women are actually attracted to me - especially in the physical sense. This despite having had a decent amount of success with women, both average and good looking.

 

However, even so - I'm supremely confident in myself in terms of who I am as a person - and I never waver for a second when it comes to the actual interaction. I don't have to think about what to say - and I don't hold back anything.

 

It's like I don't take any rejection to heart to the extent that I doubt myself as a person - I simply acknowledge attraction wasn't there and I'm pissed and miffed about it.

 

When attraction IS confirmed, I almost take it for granted and my mind is like "of course she's attracted to me".

 

Not sure how that works, but that's me.

[thecrucible]

I definitely think I was more nervous this time than I usually am - without a doubt because it was my first date in a few years.

 

I know what you mean. It can feel like you're a fish out of water when you're out of the game for too long. I get nervous too. In fact nervousness is good if you can hone it. It also shows that you care. It's definitely preferable to the apathy which I experienced about a year ago. That's so annoying because you're like "why don't I care?" haha. Anyway, it's totally normal to feel like you are.

 

As in, I'm always extremely sceptical when it comes to whether women are actually attracted to me - especially in the physical sense. This despite having had a decent amount of success with women, both average and good looking.

 

haha I'm like this too. It's weird because it's not a low confidence thing, it's just because you think "hey I'm me. I've got no idea if anyone would find me attractive". Are you similar or is that just me?

 

From my point as a woman (thought I don't speak for us all) I tend not to think of men in terms of specific physical characteristics. I'll be looking at the overall picture but really I like guys who give me that protective feeling by being taller or strong or bigger than me in some way or more confident. But it's the overall picture. I'm not deconstructing them if I really feel an attraction. Does that make sense? I certainly would like him to ignore my physical flaws too if he finds me appealing. Once you know you're attracted to a guy (which is usually pretty quickly) you see whether you feel comfortable with him and that takes longer to work out.

 

It's like I don't take any rejection to heart to the extent that I doubt myself as a person - I simply acknowledge attraction wasn't there and I'm pissed and miffed about it.

 

I think that's natural too and sounds like most guys to me to. I think we get it as women too because we feel we have made ourselves vulnerable to a certain degree if we like a guy. The self-awareness you get from something not working out can really hit you and make you feel exposed. Anyway I probably misinterpreted what you said...

[Sunlight72]

As for not feeling nervous before and during the first few minutes of a 1st date OP -

 

if you're meeting at the place, get there early and talk to someone there (bartender, janitor, park ranger, what ever). Then when your date shows up, you're already having a conversation with someone, and it's easy to roll into a hello conversation with your date, or better yet, include her in the conversation you're already having for two minutes before you and your date peel off on your own.

 

You'll be distracted and comfortable talking with who ever you just met so you won't have spare time to be nervous, and you'll appear friendly to your date, like you just make friends with everyone everywhere because you're such a naturally friendly guy. Don't have a fake conversation just to show off, but if you can have a casual, but genuine banter with someone it will take your mind off of meeting your date.

 

I wanted to mention though - the way you describe it, I'd recommend trying something much different for the kiss.

 

a) don't wait until the date is over. Then the kiss becomes a separate thing up for review later.

 

Kiss her on the hand or cheek sometime in the 'middle' of the date. Do it with a glint in your eye and like a little in-joke with her. Quick, smiling, and then get on to something else.

 

If it's important to you to kiss on the lips during your first date, following the above, watch for a friendly opportunity to give her a little kiss when you think there's maybe 20 or 30 minutes left.

 

b) The 'kiss' (on the lips), if it comes on the first date, should be short and friendly. You're really just letting her know you want to kiss her. If you do it with time left on the clock, and she wants to kiss you, then you'll get another chance.

 

BUT - let her give you some body language, etc. to invite you for the next kiss. Don't push it on her. Give her a taste, and then let her decide if she wants more.

 

I don't personally like to kiss after the end of the date. Best case scenario - it's really good, and then you walk away. I prefer a best case scenario where it's really good, and then you get to be more playful and closer for the next half hour / hour and kiss twice more.

 

I also don't have an interest in heavy petting or sex in the first three + dates though, so you could be different.

 

Just some thoughts.

Best Wishes,

Sunlight

[TheTraveler]

So, I'm going out on my first date after being single for 3.5 months.

 

I'm the guy who worries and overthinks these things - despite having had my share of dates in the past. Very few bad ones - and a high success rate in general.

 

It's always the same. 5-10 minutes into the date - and I'm my usual confident self again - and my dates never seem to notice the initial anxiety. I expect this to be no different - or rather, I hope it's going to be no different.

 

Also, I'm the kind of guy who strongly prefers his comfort zone - and I do NOT step out of it very often.

 

So, anything involving this level of having to be "on" is a big deal for me.

 

I know it's ridiculous and I hate how much I build it up in my mind. "Oh-no what if I'm rejected" and bla bla bla.

 

How do YOU handle this crap?

 

I don't have this problem, but what do I recommend?

 

Ask questions and listen. That means shut your mouth and just listen. Good luck!

[DK_Casus]

haha I'm like this too. It's weird because it's not a low confidence thing, it's just because you think "hey I'm me. I've got no idea if anyone would find me attractive". Are you similar or is that just me?

 

It sounds a lot like what I'm going through when that happens. It's more like a complete absence of confidence than low confidence - if that makes sense.

 

I mean, why would I assume that a woman likes how I look? To me, that's so subjective and since I'm not a universally beautiful person like, say, a 10 - then it's simply a matter of her personal preferences.

 

Even with a 10 - I find that some women aren't automatically attracted - or maybe they don't let themselves be for one reason or another.

 

Also, as a man, I'm not very attracted to what other people often consider a 10. For instance, and this is true, I do NOT find the "model type" particularly attractive. I can appreciate the aesthetic to a degree - but I'm much more attracted to women who're naturally curvy and with a less cold disposition. Note that I mean curvy as in nice breasts/hips/buttocks - not very overweight.

 

Overall, the enumeration system is pretty flawed

 

From my point as a woman (thought I don't speak for us all) I tend not to think of men in terms of specific physical characteristics. I'll be looking at the overall picture but really I like guys who give me that protective feeling by being taller or strong or bigger than me in some way or more confident. But it's the overall picture. I'm not deconstructing them if I really feel an attraction. Does that make sense? I certainly would like him to ignore my physical flaws too if he finds me appealing. Once you know you're attracted to a guy (which is usually pretty quickly) you see whether you feel comfortable with him and that takes longer to work out.

 

Yeah, that makes sense. But for me, it's different.

 

I know if I'm physically attracted almost instantly. Well, I certainly know it if I'm VERY physically attracted.

 

In terms of "emotional" or "cerebral" attraction - it can take a while, and that's much more vague and hard to define.

 

I tend to be attracted to warmth and an inclusive spirit. People who don't overcomplicate the process and, through their open nature, trust me to treat them with decency and respect.

 

Since I'm big on authenticity and integrity - I find it unusually annoying to be mistrusted or treated with too much scepticism. Thankfully, that's rare, but there are women who're like that with everyone they meet.

 

They can be the most beautiful and wonderful people underneath that distant and mistrusting exterior - but I'm definitely NOT the man to "rescue" them and change their minds, because I respond very negatively to it.

 

I think that's natural too and sounds like most guys to me to. I think we get it as women too because we feel we have made ourselves vulnerable to a certain degree if we like a guy. The self-awareness you get from something not working out can really hit you and make you feel exposed. Anyway I probably misinterpreted what you said...

 

I don't think so, you seem to have the right of it.

 

I think I'm more vulnerable than most - and I think it can hit me harder, because I'm such a control-freak. It's not so much an ego thing as it's about not being used to let other people affect me on such a level.

 

My ego is what I would consider to be very solid - and it's never deeply affected by rejection.

 

But being hurt by others - which is very possible in such a vulnerable position - is simply not what I'm used to, as I'm a very emotionally guarded person.

 

So, it's more of a shock - and I don't often expose myself to that possibility.

[TheTraveler]

As I said, it was more of a rhetorical/playful question - and it wasn't like a puppy hoping for a bone

 

I didn't particularly want to kiss her, I just think it's part of the equation of making sure when you're in doubt.

 

But I do tend to make sure she wants a kiss, which can be hard to know in some cases.

 

Anyway, I completely agree there's nothing to be nervous about, rationally speaking. Unfortunately, we're not robots, so...

 

I'd say if you're absolutely 100% calm about a date - then there's something wrong, but that's me

 

In any case, my problem is that I'm spectacularly bad at being nervous - because I'm a comfort and control freak.

 

All right, the date already happened. It doesn't matter how you asked for the kiss or if it came up jokingly. That's weak sauce

[TheTraveler]

 

I wanted to mention though - the way you describe it, I'd recommend trying something much different for the kiss.

 

a) don't wait until the date is over. Then the kiss becomes a separate thing up for review later.

 

Kiss her on the hand or cheek sometime in the 'middle' of the date. Do it with a glint in your eye and like a little in-joke with her. Quick, smiling, and then get on to something else.

 

Definitely agree on don't waiting for the end of the date to kiss.

 

Definitely don't agree with kissing a hand or cheek during it. What is this? lol

[DK_Casus]

All right, the date already happened. It doesn't matter how you asked for the kiss or if it came up jokingly. That's weak sauce

 

Sounds like an opinion based on a principle.

 

Principles make you stupid.

[TheTraveler]

Sounds like an opinion based on a principle.

 

Principles make you stupid.

 

I'm not the one who jokingly or passively asks for the kiss. That's what you do.

 

I read body language