Judged her

[onlyafool]

It's been some time since I posted to LS. Last time I was around I was speaking about my relationship with a gal that just didn't work out. And when it came to the point where she was phoning me to break up, I was already there and aware of what was happening. I accepted it and didn't resist. Years later I have numerous texts, FB massages, a 5 page handwritten letter, etc from this girl. All unanswered.

 

I'm with another lady and she's my first relationship, aside from my ex-wife, that has lasted more than a year. That's 41 years of relationships and only 2 that have gone more than 12 months. Not good, but not always my fault. I recognize things early and I cut it off if I see something. Other times, I'm not into it and she cuts me off.

 

In this situation I messed up...sort of. When I say sort of, I mean words were used by me that could be viewed as unforgivable. On the other side of sorta, the situation wouldn't have presented itself had certain things not been done on her end.

 

Let me give you the back story:

 

I met this girl in November '14. I work for an IT company and had to go to one of her offices to do some repairs on some devices. Mind you, I'm actually a project director, so this isn't something I would typically do but I thought since I was capable and available, I'd stop by and help. I met the manager of the office on my visit and she.was.gorgeous. She was a blonde haired blue eyed wonder of the world. I introduced myself, and to her coworkers, made small talk and then got to work. I collected the information I needed and in the meantime she left. I didn't see her again until May '15. We were in LA for a conference and a friend of hers gave her my number. She text me and asked me to meet her and her friends at the hotel bar. I was with my co-workers at the time, eating dinner, but I told her I'd be there soon. We finished dinner and headed back to the hotel and I went to meet her and her friends. She was all over me. We went to the nightclub in the hotel, danced and kissed. Big time kissed. She invited me to her hotel room, but a co-worker of hers was staying in the room too. I had some weed with me, ripped one of those empty pages out of the Bible and smoked some, all 3 of us. She laid down and passed out. I spooned up next to her and laid there for awhile. I got up in the middle of the night. Kissed her on the cheek, pulled the blanket over her roommate in the other bed and left. Nothing happened. I text her the next day and asked her out when we were back in town. She said to find someone in my hometown, which is 40 miles from her. I said ok, take care. Deleted her number and moved on with life.

 

Because of the nature of my work, I was put in contact with her again through email. I won't bore you with details, but she eventually got around to asking me to a bday party for a friend of hers. I agreed and met her there. We hung out, enjoyed ourselves, I met some new people, and at the end of the night I kissed her on the mouth and asked her out again. The unfortunate part is she was leaving for Gulf Shores in the AM and 2 days later I was leaving for Hawaii. That means a text relationship for the next 14 days. Oh well, it worked. We built the tension between us and by the time we got together it was magic. Sex on the first date, wonderful conversation in between. Beautiful soul.

 

Then trouble started up. An ex something or other, she wouldn't call him a boyfriend (they just 'hung out'), was texting her. I asked her about it and she said she doesn't X people out of her life. Said he was a friend, I didn't understand but kept it to myself. See I always keep my exes in the past and I don't really talk about them either. I don't discuss numbers or any of that ****. It's the past and it has no presence in my future. She felt different. But to her credit I believe she was loyal. Or so I thought...

 

Here's why and this is where I'm coming from -

1- At first she said he was nobody, just a friend.

2- Later she said they just hung out. He trimmed her trees.

3- Then she said she hadn't had a boyfriend since her divorce.

4- Said nobody had met her kids before me (bf, etc..).

5- She said she just texted every once in a while.

6- I asked her if she told him she had a boyfriend, but she said no. She assumed he knows because of Facebook or something (this hurt).

7- He DM her on Facebook when I was out of town. He had deleted her number, so as to not 'drunk text' her, but she gave it back. She said she was thinking about him and suggested a drink sometime.

8- I found out he was married on the way home from STL. This came up because she was thinking I was a shady guy, jokingly. I told her I never had a ONS, or took advantage of women or slept with one that was married among other things I hadn't done.

9- She came to my house on a Tuesday, which is unlike her. I'm sure she was worried about how I would feel about the fact she slept with a married man.

10- Thursday night of that same week this same guy text her while we were sitting at the table. I see it. "Hey there" it says. In bed that night I asked her about it and she lied and said he didn't text, straight to my face.

11- This is when I found the DM on her phone. Ashamedly, I snooped.

12- Early that Friday morning I wanted to leave and be over with this relationship.

 

...but I gave her a second chance.

 

But I've been leery of her, both externally and subconsciously. 2 weeks ago I found out that he mounted a TV above her fireplace AND had met her kids. Both of those are innocuous in themselves, but the problem lies in the story she told. Refer to points 3 & 4 above. If you're sleeping with someone, having them do work around your house, meeting you kids. Um, that's a boyfriend. Never mind he was still married at the time, although living in another home. They had a bf and gf relationship, which is fine, but lying about it or not being honest about it with yourself isn't. On top of that, and personally I'd like to know, if he was a bf, what state was she in with him when she was kissing and hooking up with me in LA? Did they sleep with each other after we kissed? How far removed was his dick from her when we started dating in August? Finding out he was more involved in her life caused a reaction, I'm terribly sorry about the words I used during the reaction. I shouldn't have taken this event and the promiscuous sex she had in college and judged her. That was 10000000℅ wrong on my part. Totally and completely. Full stop. But she is holding those words against me. She has gone ice cold. Non commutative, and when talked too it's very brief and awkward. I'm definitely the bad guy in her eyes. That said, the reaction I had is not something I'm sorry about.

 

It's as if my concerns with the lying have no cause for alarm. Here lately it's almost to the point where she is mad/frustrated at me for making her cut all ties with him. This is my perception based on facts. Baffling. I was led to believe that I was her first relationship post-divorce, but that wasn't true. Simple as that.

 

Anyway, all the stuff above is where I'm coming from. The struggle to call something what it is, is where I'm coming from. The lack of respect for me/us with continued conversation with him and not mention even once that she had a boyfriend is where this is coming from. The fact that we go sometimes weeks without sex is where this is coming from. What's worse, this guy whose she says she's "friends" with for all those years... didn't even know her ****ing birthday, or if he did he didn't acknowledge it. I think that's the saddest thing of all. It was one of the first questions I asked her.

 

Anyway, I don't know what I'm going to do but I need some time to think. I know she thinks she has all the cards right now, but she doesn't unfortunately. She thinks I'm the major mess up in this relationship, but again, she isn't taking into account who has led us here. This is the single biggest topic of argument in our relationship. This is why past relationships should be lightly touched on and then discarded when working in a new relationship. It's too hard to keep things in check once you've opened that box. Not that I even care, I just don't ask. The only reason I know about this guy is because of her best friend telling me and stating that she didn't like the guy and thought it was a bad situation. We have fought and fought, to the point of silence. Things look really bleak and it's sad. I love this girl. I want to marry her. We've been through a lot together. From her colonoscopy to the Dominican, we've done a lot together. To her migraines 20 out 30 days in a month, to the weird mood swings that came with them. I've been there for all of it. Even when her dad, who's in rehab for Parkinson's was laid up, I was there with her. I did those things because I wanted too. I wanted to be there for her.

 

But now I'm wondering, what for? With all I've laid out above, why would *I* stay in this relationship? She might be thinking that she doesn't know how to come back from this, this argument where I judged her because of her past, but little does she know that I'm thinking the same thing.

 

We aren't broken up, but it's not looking good. What do you guys/gals think I should do?

Edited November 23, 2016 by onlyafool

[onlyafool]

I should have said this in the beginning. We have been dating for 15 months, starting in August '15. The situation with the ex came to a head in March '16. I should have left then, dammit, why do I always give people the benefit of the doubt.

[Redhead14]

I should have said this in the beginning. We have been dating for 15 months, starting in August '15. The situation with the ex came to a head in March '16. I should have left then, dammit, why do I always give people the benefit of the doubt.

 

If I have doubts about a person and especially with so much reason . . . I always give MYSELF the benefit of the doubt, not them.

[onlyafool]

If I have doubts about a person and especially with so much reason . . . I always give MYSELF the benefit of the doubt, not them.

 

Yeah, this one hurts. All the damn signs were there and when that situation from 2 weeks ago came up, it cemented a fear I had had, but chose to ignore. I totally screwed up when it came to my reaction. I shouldn't have dredged up the fact that she didn't view sex and relationships the same way I did. That she didn't have a line between platonic relationships and intimate ones. Friends become FWBs and when a relationship comes along, she continues conversing with FWB, while dating the other person. Not a good recipe for success in a relationship. Especially when she doesn't make clear that she has a boyfriend. ****ing High School BS.

[onlyafool]

I'm supposed to spend the next 4 days of the Thanksgiving holiday with her and her kids. My kids are with their mom. We are going to her folks first, then to mine. On Friday night we are going to a family thing. The thing that is sticking in my mind is, she's so cold and distant, can we possibly fake this for the next 4 days? I know for my part, I love her family and her kids. I think I'm going to take the opportunity to say goodbye to them, without them know it. I plan to approach it from the standpoint of really listening to them and when we leave to go to my folks, take great care to say goodbye to each of them. Especially her dad, who's going to be transported from the rehab place for the occasion. I want to give him my best wishes most of all. On Saturday, when her kids go to their dads, that'll be the first time we will have had time to be alone together since this whole mess started 2 weeks ago. We will need to talk. If this relationship isn't worth salvaging in her eyes, then it's time to walk. I need to tell her that the judgmental language I used 2 weeks ago was an undercurrent of a bigger issue. The lie about what this guy was in her life, which is a boyfriend and her unwillingness to tell him she had a boyfriend when she was dating me caused this undercurrent to manifest itself. She is protecting herself right now, and I get that. But things aren't going to get better if this persistent silence and coldness toward me continues. I'm willing to do the work, I'm seeing a therapist, I'm learning, I'm growing, I'm making changes, but if she can't get over this mental hurdle of words said...then it's curtains.