Men - Understand your role!!

[mtnbiker3000]

Hey ya'll. First time back on this particular forum in quite a while. I want to stress one thing to all of you recently heartbroken...

 

You must understand that your roll in any breakup is paramount. You can claim your ex was x, y and z, or 1, 2 and 3... But until you understand your specific roll and responsibility, you will never heal! But more importantly, you will never grow!! And you simply must grow, or all was for not!

 

There is a definite reason why you are where you are now!! And it usually began decades ago... Now is the time to dig deep and get at the root causes of your behavior. No need to flog yourself, but you must understand yourself and the influences in your life that have led you here!! Then, change can occur. This is the hard part!

 

For men, I suggest this reading:

 

No More. Mr. Nice Guy, by Robert Glover. If your city has a support group based on this material (like Portland, OR), I suggest you attend.

 

And realize, you will get past this in time. You will! Best to learn as much as you can at the same time!!

[Ostepop]

No more mr nice guy.. Sounds like a guide to become a jackass. While that might land you some young girls, it most surely won't help you keep them.

[jamili]

Not all breakups are caused by men being needy/clingy/"beta". There are many other reasons people have ended up here - breakups caused by specific circumstance, trust issues, dumper insecurity, committment issues, attachment disorder, long distance, etc.

Edited November 23, 2016 by jamili

[PegNosePete]

No more mr nice guy.. Sounds like a guide to become a jackass.

Quite the opposite.

 

It is a guide to becoming a confident, outgoing, strong man who treats women with respect and class, without being walked all over.

 

It doesn't help "land you some young girls" (there are plenty of PUA guides for that) but rather helps you forge meaningful and balanced relationships - not only with women but with other men too.

[mtnbiker3000]

^^ Yes. It is guide to better relationships. Period. And much more. It helps men see what has been standing in their way and why they constantly self sabotage.

 

Really only beneficial for those who want to discover some better techniques and strategies for living a successful life. And only helpful if you are willing to commit to the work. Again, a support group is a great additional resource and highly recommended if available...

 

It's about differentiation and integration. But I won't spoil it. LOL!!!

[mtnbiker3000]

Not all breakups are caused by men being needy/clingy/"beta". There are many other reasons people have ended up here - breakups caused by specific circumstance, trust issues, dumper insecurity, committment issues, attachment disorder, long distance, etc.

 

Believe it or not, this is all still tied to... YOU!!!!

[jamili]

Believe it or not, this is all still tied to... YOU!!!!

 

Oh i see, so it's always the man's fault then. It's never the woman. It's impossible for anyone to have deep seeded issues from childhood that could cause the destruction of a relationship... unless it is the man, then yes.

 

I know about this book and the message it sends, and it applies to many, but you simply cannot generalize and assume every single situation boils down to it being the man's fault and that women are always inncocent in any failed relationship.

[sorano]

Oh i see, so it's always the man's fault then. It's never the woman. It's impossible for anyone to have deep seeded issues from childhood that could cause the destruction of a relationship... unless it is the man, then yes.

 

I know about this book and the message it sends, and it applies to many, but you simply cannot generalize and assume every single situation boils down to it being the man's fault and that women are always inncocent in any failed relationship.

 

Its always the man's fault. we are to blame. Never the woman

[elaine567]

Oh i see, so it's always the man's fault then. It's never the woman.

 

That is not what Mtnbiker3000 is saying at all.

He is saying that we all appreciate that everyone's ex is "bad", and that many here go through pages and pages of telling us all just how "bad" the ex is, but for many, they do not question themselves...

"If my ex was really that "bad" then why on earth did I stick around?"

"What is wrong with me that I put up with all that garbage for so long?"

 

Shifting all the blame onto the ex, does not solve any problems going forward, does it?

[Frozensushi]

"If my ex was really that "bad" then why on earth did I stick around?"

"What is wrong with me that I put up with all that garbage for so long?"

 

This is very true. At the time, I wasn't aware I lowered my boundaries with my Ex to the point they were non-existent. In my mind I thought me caving in constantly, taking the blame for everything, never standing up for myself and constantly walking on eggshells was me being a good boyfriend.

 

I see now that I allowed this bad behavior on my Ex's part to continually happen, as well as grow stronger. Not having boundaries and allowing myself to be a doormat is MY FAULT. I can't blame anyone else but myself.

 

My Ex definitely had problems of her own, but if I had strong boundaries in place, was confident in myself, I would have never been in a situation to get hurt.

 

So yeah, if you're a doormat that points fingers when you get walked all over, it's your own fault.

[DarrenB]

I'd rather just consider a breakup 'trial and error' and nothing more.

[jamili]

I know what you guys are saying about the doormat thing. But not every man who got dumped acted like a doormat or allowed their girlfriend to walk all over them. Breakups can happen for many reasons and it doesnt necessarily mean the man acted like a spineless pushover throughout the relationship. Its really over-generalizing.

[mtnbiker3000]

Oh i see, so it's always my fault then. It's never the other person. It's impossible for anyone to have deep seeded issues from childhood that could cause the destruction of a relationship... unless it is me, then yes.

 

With three simple word changes, you see how this quickly becomes a victim mentality that fits any relationship or situation. There is no "fault". It's not a competition. It's about living your life differently and gaining better control of yourself, while dropping trying to control others. Or rather how others can make you feel or not feel.

 

And I’m not talking about doormats at all. Again, that requires someone else’s thoughts/words/actions to work. Let me clarify: Are you a doormat? Only you know the answer to that. And if someone says you are or treats you like one, only you can allow that to affect you. Seriously. Think about it. That’s why this stuff is so important to people who are analyzing a recent breakup. There is potential for tremendous long-term growth if mined correctly.

 

And the only reason I suggest it for men specifically is because Dr Glover writes it from a man’s perspective and is generally speaking towards other men. Truthfully, most of us could benefit from habitual introspection. Male or female.

[Sweetfish]

Believe it or not, this is all still tied to... YOU!!!!

 

 

Negative...

 

Somethings things are simply out of your control. The relationship i had seemed pretty prefect.. what I mean is the typical relationship that would transpire to marriage and kids.. however, knowing human nature, there were forces I knew I could not control. I foresaw things that I knew would present them selves and would challenge the relationship. To my gf at the time she was still in lala land and figured we were inseparable.

 

Eventually, I had to pause the relationship.. everything i foresaw was unraveling to the 'T' it was the hardest thing I ever did... this eventually lead to the demise of the relationship. I can be considered a dumper and dumpee. That is a position no one wants to be as its double the pain.

 

But as a man you have to realize the environment, the person your with, their perception, how they cope with stress, outside influences will and can work against you.

 

As a man, sometimes you can't simply just be your self and hope your relationship will stay together. During a relationship you have to balance improving your self, maintaining a relationship, and support your self fiscally, mentally, and your health. There will always be another guy, group of ppl, or ideas that can spark attraction in your gf.

 

 

As a man your number one priority is you. You can always lose a significant other no matter how great you are and how great you values are.. specially since there is an abundance of men or ppl who can elicit new and exciting things you may not have offered in her life.

 

If you just got dumped and now your going to the gym? Now your hanging out with family? Getting a better job? Shame on you. So if she comes back will you stop? You should have already been doing this in the relationship and even this may not prevent your shortcomings.

 

What you can do is simply be the best boyfriend and/or husband in the relationship. Do not put her on a pedestal, but treat her like a princess as long as she treat you like a prince. Be the man you were when you met her. Communicate with her and set boundaries. DO NOT GET LAZY.

 

If and when the times comes when she wants to walk or find another man. LET HER DO SO.

 

And continue being that great guy you were. It will hurt and it may suck. But it's the only way you can truly come to terms that you were not the problem. Too many guys blame them selves... but blame your self if you truly screwed up and then fix those problems if you chose so for you and you only.

 

Stop the whole fighting for love..

Stop the begging...

The whole I'll change rotine...

The should I text her after x amount of days or months.

 

Let her walk... if she truly loves you. She'll be back.

That's the ONLY it should be!

 

If she does come back, only respond if she shows TRUE REGRET. If not, do not respond! This is the only love you deserve. You will know what it is! It will usually be a letter a long msg or email saying she screwed up and even this is not good enough... but enough for you to respond.

 

Be a man.. let her walk and know she is walking away from the BEST.

[jamili]

Negative...

 

Somethings things are simply out of your control. The relationship i had seemed pretty prefect.. what I mean is the typical relationship that would transpire to marriage and kids.. however, knowing human nature, there were forces I knew I could not control. I foresaw things that I knew would present them selves and would challenge the relationship. To my gf at the time she was still in lala land and figured we were inseparable.

 

Eventually, I had to pause the relationship.. everything i foresaw was unraveling to the 'T' it was the hardest thing I ever did... this eventually lead to the demise of the relationship. I can be considered a dumper and dumpee. That is a position no one wants to be as its double the pain.

 

But as a man you have to realize the environment, the person your with, their perception, how they cope with stress, outside influences will and can work against you.

 

As a man, sometimes you can't simply just be your self and hope your relationship will stay together. During a relationship you have to balance improving your self, maintaining a relationship, and support your self fiscally, mentally, and your health. There will always be another guy, group of ppl, or ideas that can spark attraction in your gf.

 

 

As a man your number one priority is you. You can always lose a significant other no matter how great you are and how great you values are.. specially since there is an abundance of men or ppl who can elicit new and exciting things you may not have offered in her life.

 

If you just got dumped and now your going to the gym? Now your hanging out with family? Getting a better job? Shame on you. So if she comes back will you stop? You should have already been doing this in the relationship and even this may not prevent your shortcomings.

 

What you can do is simply be the best boyfriend and/or husband in the relationship. Do not put her on a pedestal, but treat her like a princess as long as she treat you like a prince. Be the man you were when you met her. Communicate with her and set boundaries. DO NOT GET LAZY.

 

If and when the times comes when she wants to walk or find another man. LET HER DO SO.

 

And continue being that great guy you were. It will hurt and it may suck. But it's the only way you can truly come to terms that you were not the problem. Too many guys blame them selves... but blame your self if you truly screwed up and then fix those problems if you chose so for you and you only.

 

Stop the whole fighting for love..

Stop the begging...

The whole I'll change rotine...

The should I text her after x amount of days or months.

 

Let her walk... if she truly loves you. She'll be back.

That's the ONLY it should be!

 

If she does come back, only respond if she shows TRUE REGRET. If not, do not respond! This is the only love you deserve. You will know what it is! It will usually be a letter a long msg or email saying she screwed up and even this is not good enough... but enough for you to respond.

 

Be a man.. let her walk and know she is walking away from the BEST.

 

This right here is 100% what I agree with! Amen to this.