Ashm93 Posted November 23, 2016 Posted November 23, 2016 My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years. I am 23, he is 28 Our relationship has been great, the first three years was great, we spent all our time together. He is 5 years older so he should be more mature and ready to settle down. He met some friends about a year ago, they are very immature, still live with parents and all they do is party. They have completely changed my boyfriend. He still takes care of me and does everything for me, he is a great boyfriend but now, his one friend in specific is with us ALL the time. He thirds wheel with us everywhere. My boyfriend and I never go to the movies or out to dinner or any fun activities unless his friend comes with us. I tell him I want to do things with him alone except he tells me I'm controlling his life and that I never "have fun".... What the heck. It makes me very mad and almost like I'm competing with his friend. Help me everyone
dumbass2 Posted November 23, 2016 Posted November 23, 2016 Yep. Very immature. Your not being controlling at all as long as he can still still his friends once in a while, but you are saying his friend goes everywhere with you two and that is not cool in a romantic relationship. Not cool at all. You need to tell him your needs and see if he will compromise. Pick out a couple of date nights. You do need to draw a line here and now or it wont get better. You are truly in the right to do so and if has a problem with then he is not boyfriend material. You should have a serious talk about the future and see what he thinks.
Ami1uwant Posted November 23, 2016 Posted November 23, 2016 He's not gay He may not have had many friends, now he found some friends which is good. There are times he should be able to see his friends snd times you two should be on a date.
DK_Casus Posted November 23, 2016 Posted November 23, 2016 What does "takes care of me" and "does everything for me" mean? 1
scooby-philly Posted November 25, 2016 Posted November 25, 2016 My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years. I am 23, he is 28 Our relationship has been great, What made it great in your eyes? If you can't explain it, then you need to think on this. If you can, it would be helpful to know a the first three years was great, we spent all our time together.You've got to realize that people fall all over the spectrum regarding how much "time" they want together in a relationship. I've seen this issue kill relationships early on and become a problem later on if both people aren't compatible regarding this. Maybe he was infatuated early on? Maybe he didn't have a ton of friends (more on this in a moment) or good friends or maybe his friends weren't good. Regardless, either he was fine with it or....he wasn't and didn't say anything. He is 5 years older so he should be more mature and ready to settle down.People change. That doesn't mean people can't be together over the years, but there's a basic set of rules that apply to a relationship - I call it compatibility, world view, temperament, wants, needs, communication, and personality. His wants/needs may have changed or he could be finally revealing his personality. On the other end, he may also just be going through stuff that has lead him to want a chance in your relationship patterns. Regardless, YOU'VE identified an issue. If you have a problem with the setup, you need to talk to him about it more. If he's still dismissive, you may want to escalate the issue. If he continues to be dismissive, then you've got some big decisions to make. He met some friends about a year ago, they are very immature, still live with parents and all they do is party. They have completely changed my boyfriend. He still takes care of me and does everything for me, he is a great boyfriend but now, his one friend in specific is with us ALL the time.As one poster said....what does this mean? this could be interpreted as you wanting and acting like a spoiled princess. Which, even the nicest guy would grow tired of if it's not a equal relationship. He thirds wheel with us everywhere. My boyfriend and I never go to the movies or out to dinner or any fun activities unless his friend comes with us. I tell him I want to do things with him alone except he tells me I'm controlling his life and that I never "have fun".... What the heck. It makes me very mad and almost like I'm competing with his friend. Help me everyoneAgain, did he not have friends before. Relationships aren't always about being around each other - but being "together", working towards the same shared vision, and relying on each other in good times and in bad. Sounds like - and please post more info to correct any incorrect assumptions we have - it may have been a little unbalanced on one side and now went the opposite way on the spectrum. If you want it to even out, you have to work for it, accept it, or move on from it. Again, the more info you share, the more we can help.
Author Ashm93 Posted November 27, 2016 Author Posted November 27, 2016 (edited) @ DK_CASUS - What I mean by that is he always pays when we go out to eat, he buys me things that I need and want, etc. overall he is a really good boyfriend when he isn't with his friend. His friend is the only issue, he makes him act like a different person and not a good boyfriend. Edited November 27, 2016 by Ashm93
losangelena Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 But what does that have to do with him being possibly gay? 3
stillafool Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 No he isn't gay. He just enjoys his friend company more than yours. IMO 28 is too young for a man to marry and 23 is definitely too young for you to marry. He just wants to have fun. You seem more of a serious person so maybe you two aren't compatible.
Author Ashm93 Posted November 27, 2016 Author Posted November 27, 2016 @ LOSANGELENA - It just seems like he could actually be attracted to his friend. His friendship and the need to be with this his friend all the time is just a little strange to me. I feel like my boyfriend tries to impress him and is always doing what his friend wants over what I want. They talk to each other more than my boyfriend and I talk. They have only known each other for almost a year now so it's not like they are really good friends that've known each other for years.
Author Ashm93 Posted November 27, 2016 Author Posted November 27, 2016 @ STILLAFOOL - I know that we are too young to marry, I meant in the next few years. My boyfriend was very different before he met this friend. In specific. He was very mature.
Author Ashm93 Posted November 27, 2016 Author Posted November 27, 2016 @SCOOBY PHILLY - In my eyes our relationship was great because we always got along, always had the same interests, we never argued, we loved spending time together, we were always happy. I know we both enjoyed spending a lot of time together. But yes, he did not have a lot of friends. I did have a lot but I lost a few of my close friends for him due to how much time he wanted to spend with me. So now I do not have as many friends but he is starting to have a lot. I try to become friends with his friends but they are just not the people I would usually become friends with. They aren't the type my boyfriend would either and I think that is why he is trying to change himself for them. I try to talk to him but he keeps saying he does not see an issue and that he likes to be with his friends and again that I control his life. What I meant by he takes care of me and does everything for me is that he always pays when we go out to eat, he buys me things that I need and want, etc. even though I offer and tell him that I can pay for it. Him and I both have decent money. I give him just as much so i don't think that is the problem. I don't mind him having friends at all,and I would like his friends if they were a good influence on him. But they are all 27-30 years old and they still all live at home with no job and all they do is party and smoke w**d and try to get him to, too. And he mainly blames it all on me saying I'm controlling, that he's allowed to have friends, that I'm "no fun", etc.
elaine567 Posted November 27, 2016 Posted November 27, 2016 Truth is that you are moving apart. He no longer wants to do the stuff you do. Whilst you were slowly moving towards a serious relationship and marriage in the future, he is reliving his youth, partying and smoking weed and in effect telling you he doesn't want to settle down with you. He has essentially demoted you to buddy status and you now both hang about with his new found mate/mates. YOU are too young to waste your time here. This is not what you signed up for, so go find another bf. Relationships should be easy and fun, this is obviously no fun for you. 3
thecrucible Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 I don't mind him having friends at all,and I would like his friends if they were a good influence on him. But they are all 27-30 years old and they still all live at home with no job and all they do is party and smoke w**d and try to get him to, too. And he mainly blames it all on me saying I'm controlling, that he's allowed to have friends, that I'm "no fun", etc. OP, what you mention here makes him sound pretty immature. It sounds like he isn't the type to settle down at this stage in his life. I mean the weed use and constant party lifestyle of his friends would put me off too. It's not like I don't want to have fun either, I would just worry about what effect it would have on him and our relationship. When people really want to settle down, I think they get bored of that kind of lifestyle. If he really wants to settle down, he would feel that he couldn't identify with those friends any more and he would find others (unless it's hard to make new ones in his line of work). OP, I can totally see where you are coming from here.
Author Ashm93 Posted November 28, 2016 Author Posted November 28, 2016 @ ELAINE567 and @THECRUCIBLE Thank you so much for the replies and help. <3
Author Ashm93 Posted November 28, 2016 Author Posted November 28, 2016 And thank you everyone else for the replies too. I really appreciate it. <3
Sunkissedpatio Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 Sounds more like bro-mance than anything else. And it sounds like he is more into partying than doing the domesticated g/f b/f stuff. He likely loves you and still enjoys having regular sex with his girl but is into hanging with friends and partying more, especially if this is a new friend and he didn't have a lot of friends before.
TheTraveler Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 I'm surprised nobody mentioned your boyfriend is envious of this guy in a follower type of sense. Like, he feels so cool hanging around this other one and can't get enough of him. Think about that for a minute. Is that the type of guy you want?
GravityMan Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 I seriously doubt that a normal, emotionally healthy/happy adult guy...whether he's taken or single...spends THAT much time with another person (especially a guy) in a non-romantic sense. Even if the other guy is a very close friend. So something is likely not right with your boyfriend's state of mind. It's hard to say whether he's gay/bi or not. But it does seem plausible that your BF had something emotionally "missing" in his life, and his friend is filling the void in a way that makes your BF happy. Adult people like this are often immature for their age...they miss the earlier phase of their lives where they were more carefree and having lots of fun. I don't think your BF is truly ready to settle down a bit and I doubt he's truly ready for a serious relationship. I'm getting an "overcompensating" vibe and a "gotta make up for lost time" vibe from your BF. Also, mature people with a bit of wisdom know that the company they keep matters. Therefore they minimize the number of immature or otherwise problematic people in their social circle. On a side note, this kind of situation is one reason why many people view it as a serious red flag if a guy (or woman), especially one in his late teens, 20s or 30s...doesn't have any good friends or much of a social life. It's often a symptom of current and/or upcoming deeper troubling issues.
fenix Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 @ DK_CASUS - What I mean by that is he always pays when we go out to eat, he buys me things that I need and want, etc. overall he is a really good boyfriend when he isn't with his friend. His friend is the only issue, he makes him act like a different person and not a good boyfriend. Ok so being a good friend = paying for food and buying things? :eek: 1
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