Emotional Unstable Led To Breakup?

[scribblehearts]

Hello!

 

I've always been lurking on the forums in hopes to read about a similar post or situation I could relate to, but I guess it's time to finally reach out and get some advice here.

 

I've been with my s/o for 2 years now, and recently an argument caused us both to blow up, and he was the one who called for a break and kicked me out of the house. We've been having issues and arguments pretty occasionally over petty things. His reasoning for wanting to end things is because he thinks that I ask for his full attention 24/7 and that I am so negative, he cannot take anymore drama.

 

I believe I suffer from BPD (and this is me reading about it online, never officially diagnosed). I have very low self confidence, and fears of abandonment and thinking my s/o can potentially cheat on me at any time. I want to be included in the things he does because when I'm not, I feel like there is a possibility for me to lose him. I guess you can say that I need the "reassurance" daily and the slightest things can make me panic and break down. Now, before anyone says "Wow, you are psycho", or "You're super attached", trust me, I've heard it all. I've tried to force myself to think different but most times I feel mentally unstable.

 

He believes I need to work on myself and that he can't see spending his life with the type of person I am. And it just breaks my heart because I did fall in love with this person, and for the past 2 years, he's always been there for me through me trying to become a better person, but I guess a person's tolerance is only so much before they completely give up. The hardest part is that we've lived together for the past 2 years, and he also ended up working at the same company I work for, so we do see each other every day. I don't want him to see me as someone he needs to take care of like a child. I do love him for who he is because of his personality and how I think I undervalued how much he does for me until all these problems hit the ceiling. Like I mentioned, I feel like I am emotionally unstable because even though I truly do value being with him, in the spur of the moment I will start to feel he doesn't care for me.

 

He is very short tempered and gets angry easily and it's hard for me to find "the perfect way" to communicate to him my problems because he thinks I am attacking him. The reason I am asking for advice is because I really want to make this work but I'm not sure a) how and b) if it's even possible. Now, I do understand theres no use in chasing something that's already gone, but I do want to do what I can to mend the situation or have him see that I can be a better girlfriend in his eyes. I could write this post in favor of myself, but I am taking everything he is saying into consideration in what is wrong with me.

 

He has told me that he does not want me at the house anymore and does not want me to be around and wants to move on with his own life, and not with someone else. I asked him how he could just give up the relationship even though just a day before everything was great. I'm stuck in limbo because even though he's expressed these feelings towards me, he still allows me to be his best friend and he has not completely removed me out of his life. My constant anxiety has me thinking about this at all time throughout the day, and I break out into anxiety attacks. I can't talk to him about how I'm feeling because if he sees me break down it pushes him further because he sees it as more drama. At the same time I feel like there's a little hope because he is has not completely removed me. A part of me thinks I am living in a fantasy because he has said what he said, but I want to still believe there is hope in showing him that we can work out. I know it takes two in a relationship, but any advice on how to salvage what I have would be much appreciated.

 

Thank you guys!

[Frozensushi]

Welcome to LoveShack! I'm really sorry to hear about what you are going through. Please understand, the comments below should be taken with a grain of salt.

 

I believe I suffer from BPD (and this is me reading about it online, never officially diagnosed). I have very low self confidence, and fears of abandonment and thinking my s/o can potentially cheat on me at any time. I want to be included in the things he does because when I'm not, I feel like there is a possibility for me to lose him. I guess you can say that I need the "reassurance" daily and the slightest things can make me panic and break down. !

 

I'm pretty sure my Ex has BPD. It was one of the most heartbreaking relationships I ever had to endure. Yes, those traits you mentioned are indeed symptoms of BPD. In my initial breakup thread, a user with BPD replied, let me share it with you:

 

it seems to me that she might have this problem (BPD), cos it's all too familiar....

 

it's not your fault. and it's not her fault exactly. people with bpd want to love and to be loved. at first we're not attached and feel free to demonstrate our happiness. but when they (we:/) start to get attached then everything changes. it's the fear of rejection that kicks in. no matter how much you love a bpd, they'll find it hard to believe. they'll always think that you're about to detach emotionally and physically. and this fear comes out as anger, seemingly out of nowhere.

 

in my case, i fluctuate between completely distrusting to completely loving my boyfriend several times a day. i go from feeling like dying to dreaming and looking forward about my (and our) future. BUT I DONT TELL HIM. ANYTHING. he has no idea, 95% of the time. he thinks im busy, or tired or anxious about other stuff. it's toxic enough for me, I wouldnt want to have him deal with this. because after a long time of observing myself i've learnt my lesson; to wait and cool down. i may not be able to stop these fluctuations from happening but i can react in a way that isnt hurtful.

 

now im not implying that you go back with her. hell no. but pls understand that it probably wasn't because of something you did, or because your ex-was cruel and wanted you to be unhappy. it's that damn fear. she needs a good therapist. lots and lots of time with a therapist. she's going to be into a LOT of pain when she realizes what's going on, with her attachment and identity problems. it's better if she's single then.

 

Did any of her words strike a chord with you?

 

The user Downtown, who is the local BPD guru made a post with common BPD traits. It's a good read ----> 18 BPD behaviors

 

Do any of those traits listed sound familiar to you?

 

I don't want him to see me as someone he needs to take care of like a child. I do love him for who he is because of his personality and how I think I undervalued how much he does for me until all these problems hit the ceiling. Like I mentioned, I feel like I am emotionally unstable because even though I truly do value being with him, in the spur of the moment I will start to feel he doesn't care for me.

 

This sounds a lot like idealization/devaluation. For us who've dated a BPDer, this is an all too common occurrence. At least you are able to recognize this might be a problem in your relationship. The one thing you have going for you is your capacity to identify and see certain behaviors as unhealthy. This makes me jump to the conclusion that this isn't a 'worst case scenario'.

 

he's always been there for me through me trying to become a better person, but I guess a person's tolerance is only so much before they completely give up.

 

Being a "caregiver" is not an uncommon trait of the partners of a BPDer. Let me share a quote that Downtown wrote as to why the BPD partner stays in the relationship.

 

Good question, BlueIris. There are several reasons. One is that, by the time a BPDer has started to lose her infatuation and show her behavioral problems, the partner has already fallen in love with a person he is convinced must be his soul mate (due to the mirroring she did). A second reason is that, because BPDers are able to love (albeit immaturely), the abused partner knows to a certainty that this woman must love him. He therefore mistakenly believes that, if he can only figure out what HE must be doing wrong, he can restore her to that wonderful woman he saw at the beginning.

 

A third reason is that BPDers are so emotionally immature that they exhibit the vulnerability and purity of expression that otherwise is only seen in young children. Hence, in many respects, walking away from a BPDer feels as painful as walking away from a vulnerable child you love. Because BPDers typically have the emotional maturity of a four year old, the BPDer relationship largely transforms into a parent/child relationship after the courtship period ends. I say "largely" transforms because, with an unstable person, almost nothing remains constant from month to month.

 

A fourth reason is that the partners choosing to remain longer than 18 months in these BPDer relationships -- i.e., people like me -- generally are excessive caregivers. That is, they will keep trying to help a loved one even when it is to their great detriment to do so -- and even when they are not really helping.

 

A fifth reason is that these partners -- i.e., the excessive caregivers -- are so highly empathetic that they have very low personal boundaries. This means they become so enmeshed with their loved one (the BPDer) that they no longer see where their own problems/responsibilities/feelings stop and those of the BPDer begin. For this reason, and because it is difficult for anyone to see their own role in this toxicity, the quickest way for this partner to see his own problems usually is to first see the BPDer's role in the toxic relationship. Then, by simple subtraction, he can see what he has been doing wrong (e.g., his enabling behavior).

 

Once the abused partner is able to see that he is not the cause of the BPDer's unhappiness and is incapable of fixing it, he is suddenly freed from the terrible burden of guilt and responsibility that have kept him trapped in the toxic relationship. And once he understands that the toxicity is not something SHE is doing to him but, rather, something they BOTH are doing to each other, he is able to see that his enabling behavior has been harming her, not helping her. At that point, he likely will be able to walk away. This, at least, is my understanding and my experience, BlueIris.

 

This might give you some insight as to why your Ex made the decision to end the relationship. Your Ex might have felt hopeless and decided that it was a lost cause. You're correct, though. It does take two to make a relationship work.

 

I hope you can find some understanding or enlightenment in this post. If you have any more questions please ask. Take care!

[Downtown]

Scribble, I join Frozen in welcoming you to the LoveShack forum. Given that you suspect you have strong traits of a personality disorder, I suggest you see a clinical psychologist to obtain a professional opinion on what you're dealing with. If you do exhibit strong PD traits, you can make some progress on your own by reading. Yet, without professional guidance, you won't get very far in addressing your issues.

 

I believe I suffer from BPD (and this is me reading about it online, never officially diagnosed).

Scribble, BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is something every adult on the planet has to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). Moreover, the BPD traits you've read about do not describe characteristics of a disease but, instead, a set of behavioral symptoms that all humans have. Generally, these traits are primitive ego defenses that are essential to our survival in early childhood -- and continue to be important occasionally throughout adulthood. It is when an adult relies on them too heavily that they become a problem.

 

At issue, then, is not whether you exhibit BPD traits. Of course you do. We all do. Rather, at issue is whether you exhibit those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., whether you are on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met you, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list.

 

Please keep in mind that even normal, healthy people will find themselves -- at least temporarily -- at various points on that BPD spectrum (sometimes being on the high end). During early childhood, for example, we all behave like full-blown BPDers 24/7. And many of us start behaving that way again when our hormones surge for a few years during our teens. This is one reason why psychologists generally are very reluctant to diagnose BPD until a person has reached at least age 18 (your current age).

 

Now, before anyone says "Wow, you are psycho", or "You're super attached", trust me, I've heard it all.

Even if you were exhibiting full-blown BPD symptoms, you would not be "psycho." When a person exhibits psychotic behavior, he has lost touch with physical reality. He may believe, for example, that the TV news anchor is speaking to him personally.

 

In contrast, BPDers (those with strong traits) see physical reality just fine. Their intense feelings distort and color their perceptions of other peoples' intentions and motivations. Importantly, this distortion occurs whenever any adult on the planet experiences intense feelings. The human condition is that our logical judgment flies out the window whenever we experience intense feelings. BPDers experience these distorted views of other folks more frequently and more intensely because they lack the emotional control to avoid intense feelings. BPDers therefore differ from other folks only by degree.

 

I've tried to force myself to think different but most times I feel mentally unstable.

The two primary causes of emotional instability are a strong hormone change (e.g., puberty, pregnancy, PMS, and perimenopause) and drug abuse. If you can rule those two factors out, the two remaining common causes are BPD and bipolar disorder.

 

He is very short tempered and gets angry easily and it's hard for me to find "the perfect way" to communicate to him my problems because he thinks I am attacking him.

Like I said, we all exhibit BPD traits to some degree.

 

I could write this post in favor of myself, but I am taking everything he is saying into consideration in what is wrong with me.

Again, I suggest you speak with a psychologist before jumping to the conclusion that something "is wrong with me." And it is prudent to tell that professional upfront that you suspect you're exhibiting strong BPD traits. The reason is that therapists usually withhold the name of the disorder from high functioning BPDers because telling them almost certainly means they will terminate therapy immediately, which is not in their best interest.

 

This immediate termination occurs because the vast majority of BPDers -- my guess would be roughly 95% -- lack the self awareness to see that they are primarily responsible for the failed relationships in their wake. Because BPDers have very low self esteem, their subconscious minds protect their fragile egos from seeing too much of reality in their close LTRs.

 

Hence, if you believe you exhibit a strong pattern of most BPD traits, it is important to let the therapist know that you are open to seeing such traits and are concerned about them. In that way, he likely will be more candid with you if he ever decides that you have strong and persistent BPD traits. If you really do exhibit such traits, you have an amazing level of self awareness that bodes well on your chances for doing very well in therapy.

 

If you would like to read more about these traits, you will find the list of 9 defining traits (i.e., those appearing in the APA's diagnostic manual) at NIMH List of BPD Symptoms. Based on that list, I provide a list of real-world examples at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest that -- while you're looking for a good psychologist -- you read the book, Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified: An Essential Guide for Understanding and Living with BPD.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your own issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- and may help you decide whether it would be prudent to spend money seeking a professional opinion.

 

If it turns out that you really do exhibit BPD traits that are stronger than average, you will be able to take advantage of the excellent treatment programs available in nearly all major cities. Programs like DBT and CBT can teach you how to better regulate your own emotions, thereby reducing the intense feelings that distort your perceptions of other peoples' intentions and motivations. Meanwhile, if you have any questions about the posts I cited above, I would be glad to join Frozen in discussing them with you. Take care, Scribble.

Edited November 23, 2016 by Downtown

[scribblehearts]

Welcome to LoveShack! I'm really sorry to hear about what you are going through. Please understand, the comments below should be taken with a grain of salt.

 

Hey Frozen!

 

Thank you for the warm welcome and thank you for your response. I went through your past thread and everything in there that you used to describe your ex was pretty spot on for me. A lot of the things that you mentioned it was almost like I could flash back on a memory of myself. It does make me a bit sad because I am aware of my behavior and personality when I look back, but in the moment I don't realize it, and I guess when I tell myself to change to keep my relationship going - it seems like it's too late now.

 

I don't know why or how to overcome these feelings and that is the toughest part. I loved reading your side of the story in your thread because it makes me feel like that is probably how my (ex)bf felt.

 

I would get mad at him if he told me something later on (eg. going out with friends, or even as something as simple as getting food without letting me know), and I would start to think he was hiding something from me. I understand the fact that I cannot control my s/o but what goes through my head is "if he does love me, why can't he include me", and I am sure it is exhausting for him as it is for me.

 

A recent example I can think of was, I tried to detach myself from him and decided to do things on my own for one night. I told him that I would stay at home and clean the house and get some rest. I had spent all day forcing myself to be happy and to not bug him though texts. It took SO much in me to not get upset over the pictures of other women he was liking on Instagram. It completely irritates me because I feel like those other women are better than I am and that he will cheat on me. I ignored it for the night, and I decided to give him a call at the end of the night before bed. He was honest with me and told me that he was at a dive bar with some friends. He knew that I didn't like that dive bar because previously when we had went together, there were a bunch of ladies there that I was completely disgusted by - very touchy, flirty, half naked, etc. Before he could say anything else, I was already angered asking him why he was there, why he would even think to go there knowing that I didn't like the place, and his only answer was he was catching up with his friends and trying to have a good time and that he would be home soon and hung up. I immediately got super emotional, angry, texted him that I hated that place and asked for him to leave, and no response, out of anger, I told him that I would wait for him outside the bar if that was the case, and he called me saying that I was brining drama into his life and he wanted to just have a good night and I ruined it. From an onlookers point of view, yes, I should have let him have a good time, but in my head it still angers me and I don't see any reason why he would have chose the dive bar knowing how I felt.

 

Social media was also a major killer in our relationship. Like I mentioned above, I would go absolutely livid if he liked any other woman's pictures or talked to them. Obviously he won't tell me "hey, I just sent a picture to so and so", or "I just liked a picture of this girl, check it out", etc. and I always find out later through surfing through social media channels. I know myself that the women he was sending pictures to are not mutual/familiar friends, and they look like random girls that are on Instagram and what comes to mind is he is on a hookup/dating site "fishing" around for women who he thinks are attractive and wants to flirt with. This may or may not be the case, but I don't see any reason to add these individuals and to be sending them pictures. I asked him to please delete those people, and that only SINGLE men would do something of that nature but to be dating and doing that breaks my heart. His reasoning is that he is not trying to cheat on me, he is just wanting to "make new friends" - by chatting but not trying to be in a relationship with them.

 

I hate feeling this way and I can't help but blame myself and I feel like a broken person because I'm all over the place emotionally. With all the symptoms I go through, and ultimately being insecure and having that fear of him leaving me/finding someone better killed this relationship. Granted, he never CHEATED on me, but it was just the little things that would happen daily would cause me to believe that. He got food without me? He might have taken a girl out on a date. He went drinking? He must have hooked up with a girl while he was drunk. He messages girls on social media? He wants to meet up with them and pursue them. On some days, even just me sitting at my desk at work makes me feel like he is secretly chatting away with someone else. If it's not about cheating, I feel like I am unwanted because he doesn't want to spend time with me.

 

The more I talk about it, I feel like the more crazy I sound. I don't want to be a controlling, crazy, girlfriend. But I don't know how to simply just change. My friends that I reach out to tend to side with me and they simply say "If he can't seem to stay loyal to you, you should leave! He's obviously into other women". And I just keep beating myself down more and have even LOWER confidence because then I feel like if I was good enough, good looking enough, then he wouldn't have done those things.

 

I just feel like I am stuck between my imagination and reality..

[Frozensushi]

I would get mad at him if he told me something later on (eg. going out with friends, or even as something as simple as getting food without letting me know), and I would start to think he was hiding something from me. I understand the fact that I cannot control my s/o but what goes through my head is "if he does love me, why can't he include me", and I am sure it is exhausting for him as it is for me.

 

Thank you for your reply! I'm glad my story helped you seeing it from the other side. The difference between myself and your Ex is that I went out of my way to please my BPD Ex. When she told me to stop hanging out in bars or with certain people, I complied. Her needs suddenly consumed my life and my needs took a back seat. Still, even though I did what she asked, my Ex would then turn her attention elsewhere and find something new to get upset about.

 

"if he does love me, why can't he include me". This is something I experienced on a frequent basis with my Ex. She always wanted to know what I was doing during the days we weren't together. She continually accused me of things that never happened. If I couldn't give her a minute by minute replay of my day, or I forgot to mention something, she would get angry and call me a liar. She thought I was seeing other women behind her back and yeah, the Facebook thing was an issue. Even though I tried to make her happy, there was always "something". It slowly began to eat away at my sanity.

 

I'm a good guy, I say that without ego. I tried my very best to love and understand her. I did everything I could, but it was never good enough. In the end, she truly thought she was the one who fought tooth and nail for the relationship to succeed. I understand now why she felt that way, because, in her mind, the reality she created was in fact, the only truth and I was indeed the uncaring, hurtful person she had suspected me to be all along.

 

I admire your self-introspection. At least you own your feelings and realize that your feelings of paranoia, constant anxiety, and major self-doubt aren't normal. That's a major first step to improving not only your life but your relationships with people. My Ex never took responsibility for any failures/problems in her or life or bad choices she's made. It was always me, someone else or the world. I wish my Ex could have had the self-awareness that you do. At least you can admit there's a problem and not just point the finger everywhere else but inward.

 

I think Downtown's suggestion about seeing a clinical psychologist is the next step. I feel really bad for you and it breaks my heart knowing this horrible disorder affects so many people. I can't imagine what it's like for you. All I can tell you is that there is help out there and it's up to you to seek it out.

 

My Ex thought my intentions were to hurt her, this broke my heart. I would give anything to see her get the help she needs to live a happy, healthy life. I want her to feel joy, find someone she can love unconditionally and get married to. That was her dream, but unfortunately, her demons will never allow this to happen.

 

I know you can be happy too. I just don't think you can attain it simply by reading a few self-help books or insight off the internet. You are not crazy, but you are not in control of your emotions either. I'm so sorry you have to deal with these issues in your life. I'm so glad you found this forum and asked for some advice. <3

Edited November 23, 2016 by Frozensushi