Emotional cheating

[aileD]

He's had many physical and non-physical "situations" with women. We've lived in four states, and in each one he's done something. We finally moved to a state where we wanted to "retire" (only in our 40s), but a place that we both chose, not due to work or family. This is our place. But, now it's happening again. Am I crazy to make a big deal of his texting. I know some men like attention from women. But when is too much? When is it a big deal?

 

1. No you aren't crazy

 

2. Now is too much

 

3. It's a big deal now

 

 

Listen. Men like attention from women. Hell yeah they do, let's not lie about that. But your husband is SEEKING IT OUT. That's not ok.

 

It's hurting you....that's not ok

 

He's cheated before--that's not ok

 

You've told him how you feel and he dismisses you--that's not ok.

 

 

Hon. be honest. Do you think he really cares about you? As a wife???? Because his behavior is showing the opposite

[Lann13]

Marriage Year 1: Still flirting heavily with other women. We married young, he was 20. But we didn't have a child until he was 28.

Marriage Year 4: We separated because he did emotionally check out. He decided to go on a hunting trip with is buddy instead of spend my 30th birthday with me. I spent it alone in a parking lot after meeting friends for an early dinner. We separated because he just treated me like ****. He became really good friends with a girl on our softball team. Not sure if anything happened between those two because we ended up separating, but I'm sure it did.

Marriage Year 6: The very first time he cheated (that I know of) he actually confessed. I was away on a work trip and when I came back he "couldn't get it up"...guilt. He finally confessed that they had sex in her car.

Marriage Year 10: Second time (that I know of) I saw all the signs. He was out with new friends (new state) and she was always there. I guess fun, new? who knows. I confronted him finally because he was hiding his phone, always gone, out really late and sometimes didn't come home. I left him a note one night on the front door and made sure I wasn't home. I told him to get his **** and get out. Our son was 2 years old at the time. So, he did. I told him that I would be gone the next day so he would have time to move out. Him and one of his friends moved most of his **** out. He told me that he moved in with that friend, but I found out later he was living with her. That lasted one week. He begged me to come back and told me he ended it.

Marriage Year 14 (moved to a new state): Emotional cheating. I caught him talking very provocatively with another woman on XBOX. They would stay up until ALL hours and chat. She lived in Canada. I finally said something and he said he would stop talking to her. I think he did, but he kept her on his friends list. And, if he did continue the relationship online, it was definitely kept underwraps because I didn't hear any more of that talk.

Marriage Year 19: Our Anniversary is in November. We had a great Anniversary that year. But soon after i noticed some differences in him. The whole hiding the phone, talking in the garage, etc. At the time, he was looking for another job. While he was at work, he asked me to send a resume to another company for him. While on the computer, I found LOTS of evidence that he was talking to someone else. This actually was my first panic attack. I thought i was actually having a heart attack. Even after all the times before, this one struck me hard. I thought we had gotten past that. We had gone to counseling, started going to church as a family, he was VERY preachy about God and just religion in general, I thought he had changed. So, it was a huge blow. He had met this girl on a game App. Yep. They got to talking and I guess had been chatting for at least 3 months. I found lots of pics in his email from her. Anyway, I confronted him about it. He said they were in love and he was moving her to the states to be with him because her husband was abusive and she had brain cancer. Found out she really did have brain cancer, but she was also pregnant at the time with her third child. Anyway, long story short, and within two months time, we separated and I filed for divorce. We had a big house and I did most of the work to get us out of it. I even found an apartment for him. All I wanted was to be away from him. Anyway, after all that, he never even brought her to the states and as far as I know, never even talked to her again. Which is SO WEIRD. But, while we were separated, he did pay for a plane ticket (twice) for the Canandian girl from XBOX to come see him for a booty call basically. For the next six months after that separation, I refused to see him. I wouldn't let him come in to get our son when it was his turn, I wouldn't get out of the car when dropping our son off....I just couldn't look at him. But, one day, six months later, I ran into him. And that was that. We met for lunch the next day and everything just fell back into place. Six months after that, he moved in with me and our son and we've been together again since. That was two years ago.

Marriage Year 22: We moved to a completely different state, not for family or work, but a place that we both always loved and wanted to buy a home and live out our days. He found a job, that he says he hates. He's always been a driver, so normally alone on the road and his own boss. Home nightly, he likes, and I liked it. But, now he works with mostly all women. He told me one night after work, when he moved to another department, "So & so is my Lead now and she's really texty, so if I get a lot of texts, thats just how she is". So he did warn me. But, 52 texts in one day, to me, is a lot. Texts on a saturday, every hour ON the hour from her and then a response from him back, starting at 9am - 10pm is not appropriate. His response last night, made me feel like I'm the crazy one. Crazy for asking about it since he warned me.

[BuddyX]

So wait, your son is in HS?

 

This is what you do. Give him an ultimatum.

 

A. He stops all affairs. Total transparency. You can check his phone, emails, gps, etc.

 

B. Divorce.

 

Listen. Youre not the bad guy here. He put your health at risk. Time for him to be accountable. You loose all leverage once the kid turns 18. And I'm pretty sure that's what he's looking forward to.

 

But first things first. Gather all evidence and GO see an attorney. Like yesterday. The rest of your life depends on it. As well as your sanity.

[MadJackBird]

Why are you still married to this serial cheater. He sounds like my former wife. She was a serial cheater too.

 

Please for your own dignity get out.

[oldshirt]

Marriage Year 1: Still flirting heavily with other women. We married young, he was 20. But we didn't have a child until he was 28.

Marriage Year 4: We separated because he did emotionally check out. He decided to go on a hunting trip with is buddy instead of spend my 30th birthday with me. I spent it alone in a parking lot after meeting friends for an early dinner. We separated because he just treated me like ****. He became really good friends with a girl on our softball team. Not sure if anything happened between those two because we ended up separating, but I'm sure it did.

Marriage Year 6: The very first time he cheated (that I know of) he actually confessed. I was away on a work trip and when I came back he "couldn't get it up"...guilt. He finally confessed that they had sex in her car.

Marriage Year 10: Second time (that I know of) I saw all the signs. He was out with new friends (new state) and she was always there. I guess fun, new? who knows. I confronted him finally because he was hiding his phone, always gone, out really late and sometimes didn't come home. I left him a note one night on the front door and made sure I wasn't home. I told him to get his **** and get out. Our son was 2 years old at the time. So, he did. I told him that I would be gone the next day so he would have time to move out. Him and one of his friends moved most of his **** out. He told me that he moved in with that friend, but I found out later he was living with her. That lasted one week. He begged me to come back and told me he ended it.

Marriage Year 14 (moved to a new state): Emotional cheating. I caught him talking very provocatively with another woman on XBOX. They would stay up until ALL hours and chat. She lived in Canada. I finally said something and he said he would stop talking to her. I think he did, but he kept her on his friends list. And, if he did continue the relationship online, it was definitely kept underwraps because I didn't hear any more of that talk.

Marriage Year 19: Our Anniversary is in November. We had a great Anniversary that year. But soon after i noticed some differences in him. The whole hiding the phone, talking in the garage, etc. At the time, he was looking for another job. While he was at work, he asked me to send a resume to another company for him. While on the computer, I found LOTS of evidence that he was talking to someone else. This actually was my first panic attack. I thought i was actually having a heart attack. Even after all the times before, this one struck me hard. I thought we had gotten past that. We had gone to counseling, started going to church as a family, he was VERY preachy about God and just religion in general, I thought he had changed. So, it was a huge blow. He had met this girl on a game App. Yep. They got to talking and I guess had been chatting for at least 3 months. I found lots of pics in his email from her. Anyway, I confronted him about it. He said they were in love and he was moving her to the states to be with him because her husband was abusive and she had brain cancer. Found out she really did have brain cancer, but she was also pregnant at the time with her third child. Anyway, long story short, and within two months time, we separated and I filed for divorce. We had a big house and I did most of the work to get us out of it. I even found an apartment for him. All I wanted was to be away from him. Anyway, after all that, he never even brought her to the states and as far as I know, never even talked to her again. Which is SO WEIRD. But, while we were separated, he did pay for a plane ticket (twice) for the Canandian girl from XBOX to come see him for a booty call basically. For the next six months after that separation, I refused to see him. I wouldn't let him come in to get our son when it was his turn, I wouldn't get out of the car when dropping our son off....I just couldn't look at him. But, one day, six months later, I ran into him. And that was that. We met for lunch the next day and everything just fell back into place. Six months after that, he moved in with me and our son and we've been together again since. That was two years ago.

Marriage Year 22: We moved to a completely different state, not for family or work, but a place that we both always loved and wanted to buy a home and live out our days. He found a job, that he says he hates. He's always been a driver, so normally alone on the road and his own boss. Home nightly, he likes, and I liked it. But, now he works with mostly all women. He told me one night after work, when he moved to another department, "So & so is my Lead now and she's really texty, so if I get a lot of texts, thats just how she is". So he did warn me. But, 52 texts in one day, to me, is a lot. Texts on a saturday, every hour ON the hour from her and then a response from him back, starting at 9am - 10pm is not appropriate. His response last night, made me feel like I'm the crazy one. Crazy for asking about it since he warned me.

 

And why is it you think he is not cheating now and why do you think this behavior will not continue indefinately?

[aileD]

Why are you doing this to your son?

[Lann13]

That's just it. After I confronted him last night, he gave me his phone to look through. He said, "here, look at my phone all you want". But....he erases her texts the minute they come in. It's easy for him to give me that option, when he erases her texts. Our new phone bill comes in on 12/8/16. I'm going to wait until that comes in to see if he really did stop texting with her. I'll be able to see how many texts they've send from today thru Dec 8th. But, I guess he could text her on a free text app and I would never know.

[BuddyX]

That's where you went wrong. You confronted then asked for evidence.

Lay low, gather all evidence. Put on a happy face. Do not make him uncomfortable. Velcro VAR under his car seat. Trust me he'll slip up.

 

But go see an attorney.

[Lann13]

Truthfully I don't think he's cheated (physically) yet. He's does come home right after work each day and he's only with me on the weekends. But, the emotional cheating (all the texting) could eventually lead to lies to cover up a physical affair and that's what I need to stop before it happens. But...is it all in vain. I mean, am I just fooling myself into thinking that it won't happen anyway. Maybe not now, but eventually. And, now that I confronted him, is he going to be resentful that I took away the one thing that he actually had to look forward to (in his mind), which is the attention he's getting from this other woman. Will he now be unhappy all the time?

[Lann13]

What is VAR?

[VeveCakes]

Unfortunately he erases most of her texts before he gets home. My only ammunition is counting how many they each send to each other because it comes up on the phone bill. I haven even shown him what I know about that though because I'm waiting for the next phone bill to come in.

 

I realized the signs of: making me feel crazy for acting like it was a big deal, getting angry, telling me they're just friends, erasing her texts, being protective of his phone, those all point to guilt. He's always been the kind of man that has lots of friends, but male. So why doesn't he text his male friends 100s of texts? It's just her. I have read a few of his texts to her when he forgot to delete. Mostly innocent crap, lots of joking around (which I think is flirting). Once he did indicate that she might make him work on a Saturday OT, and then he said "wink wink", like he actually wanted to work Saturday when all he does is complain about his job. Another time he told her he wished he was Mormon so he could make her his second wife.

 

ughh...he is cheating. Emotional affair. Question is what are you going to do about it now since he won't acknowledge what he is doing.

[VeveCakes]

What is VAR?

 

Voice activated recorder.

[aileD]

I'll ask again:

 

Why are you doing this to your son?

[Lann13]

We don't fight or argue in front of our son.

[aileD]

We don't fight or argue in front of our son.

 

You just detailed your relationship of going back and forth, separations, him not seeing your son, divorce papers,no divorce, him living with another woman.

 

Your son sees this. It doesn't matter if you fight in front of him.

 

So why do you put up with this?

 

I want you to open your eyes. By staying in this crap marriage your son is being hurt and he is also learning some negative things about marriage and how to treat women.

[WilyWill]

He's cheating, once again, yes. Why would he ever behave differently. Maybe it's only emotional right now. Maybe the plan is to escalate to physical. But he's cheating, for sure.

 

He says you're throwing the past back in his face? No, you're holding a mirror up to his face and showing him what he is in the present. You need to get tough, not just surrender like you've always done in the past. Surrendering hasn't accomplished anything before, so why would it now?

[JoeSmith357-1]

Not to thread hijack, but for those of you who have been through EA's, after reading the book and confronting your WS, did you give them a copy of the book "not just friends" or some other book and say "read this" if they gaslighted you or denied what they were doing was wrong?

[Marc878]

If he has nothing to hide then all you need to do is a deleted text recovery on his phone. Fonelab, etc will pull the deleted texts. Go online and look it up. Deleted text recovery. He's deleting them for a reason.

 

Most want to believe the lies because not to is unbelievable.

[Mz. Pixie]

What I would suggest is individual counseling for yourself- so that you can figure out why you continue to put up with this?

 

You already know he's cheating- he has in the past- and even if he hadn't- this is unacceptable.

 

Fix you- the problem is not him- although he's a loser- the problem is what is broken in you that allows this.

[olivetree]

This marriage is not worth saving.

 

You don't need to lay low or gather any more proof that he is cheating.

 

He is and he has before.

 

Go live the rest of your life free of this man. He will never stop.

 

And I agree with the above poster, counselling for yourself is a great idea.

 

You need a healthy dose of self-respect.

 

Show your son (and yourself) what a strong woman looks like, and what a relationship shouldn't look like.

[Lann13]

I looked up gaslighting and:

If you identify with these 10 signs, you’re most likely being gaslighted.

1. You are constantly second-guessing yourself.

2. You start to question if you are too sensitive.

3. You often feel confused and have a hard time making simple decisions.

4. You find yourself constantly apologizing.

5. You can’t understand why you’re so unhappy.

6. You often make excuses for your partner’s behavior.

7. You feel like you can’t do anything right.

8. You often feel like you aren’t good enough for others.

9. You have the sense that you used to be a more confident, relaxed and happy person.

10. You withhold*information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain things.

 

Every single one describes everything about me.

[BuddyX]

So what are you going to do about it?

From now till death are you OK living like this?

[LargoLagg]

I looked up gaslighting and:

If you identify with these 10 signs, you’re most likely being gaslighted.

1. You are constantly second-guessing yourself.

2. You start to question if you are too sensitive.

3. You often feel confused and have a hard time making simple decisions.

4. You find yourself constantly apologizing.

5. You can’t understand why you’re so unhappy.

6. You often make excuses for your partner’s behavior.

7. You feel like you can’t do anything right.

8. You often feel like you aren’t good enough for others.

9. You have the sense that you used to be a more confident, relaxed and happy person.

10. You withhold*information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain things.

 

Every single one describes everything about me.

9 out of 10 of those describes my mother and my father has been dead for years. She doesn't have any other love relationship. It's ****ing disturbing that she's like that. Where'd you get that? I'd like to learn more about it. I doubt she's being gaslighted, but maybe I can gain some insight into her. Thanks

[Lann13]

I googled "gas lighting" and it was one of the first articles.