Emotional cheating

[Lann13]

My husband gets texts from a marriedfemale coworker quite often. Usually 10-12 each night after work and all day on the weekends. At least one an hour on the weekends...minimum. I haven't confronted him because I know he'll say they're just friends. But I know my husband loves attention from women. Should I confront him?

[Whatnotagain]

Yes confront him. And read the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

[eye of the storm]

1. Does he insta delete? If he does problem

2. Does he hide his phone and keep it locked and in his possession at all times? If he does problem

3. Will he let you read them? If yes and he doesn't need to prep first (ie delete) then no problem.

 

But that does seem like an a lot of texting from one married person to another.

 

Maybe you and he need to find a way to reconnect. Marriage needs to be worked and maintained. Often we go on auto pilot and neglect the marriage.

[Jersey born raised]

First read "Not Just Friends" you should be able to download it here for free

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends" Table of Contents. If not then here Not Just Friends PDF - Free Ebook Download.

 

Yes this is problem ! But, it is like trying to convince a person who has had just a half to many not to drive. So you read it first. Please keep posting and don't give up. Scan some of the infideity and wayward threads.

 

The most important relationship in a child's life is first the parents relationship with each other!

 

I read a lot of WWs (wayward wife) threads that start out as I wasn't looking and perhaps not consciously but certainly sub-consciously. I posted an itemize list at how an EA occures at work, I will try to find the thread and post it.

[Marc878]

This wreaks of an emotional affair. If they have contact good chance it goes physical.

 

Is he protective of his phone? If he is it's more than a big red flag.

 

Pull up a copy of your phone bill and send it to her husband. No warning just do it. Let them deal with the fallout.

 

Yep, they'll be PO'd but deal with it now or you'll regret it later. Talking to him will do no good at this time.

 

Stop putting up with this BS.

[Lann13]

Very protective of phone. Very defensive. I'm so scared to ask.

[Jersey born raised]

Read the book it will give you some concepts on how to proceed. Then come back here and posts your thoughts for input. Go to an IC/MC on your own with a background in infidelity. But, watch out for rugsweeping.

 

You will remain frozen and in pain (limbo) until you start to develop a plan on to end the infidelity.

[l8estnews]

Very protective of phone. Very defensive. I'm so scared to ask.

 

Well, there's that.

 

Good luck!

[Lann13]

I confronted him. He was pissed off and told me he loved me and I had nothing to worry about because they were just friends. He said if it made me uncomfortable he would stop texting with her. He was really mad because he said it took along time for me to bring it up and he said I should have told him along time ago that it bothered me. I told him that I e been through this before. He fell in love with someone online a few years ago. He said she gave him more attention than I did...never even meeting her in person. So I told him I was seeing the same red flags. He got mad and said I was throwing the past in his face.

[l8estnews]

That changes everything

 

What he is doing with you now is called Gaslighting. (Omg! It's real! Cheaters DO have a pettern!) He'll try to make you the evil one and him, the victim. If he is indeed just friends with her, then why is he so defensive in his phone?

 

And he has history with this kind of thing, falling in love ONLINE (Gosh!) What's stopping him to do the same again SMS-wise?

 

Lann, I dunno what help you can get from here. Obviously, you no longer trust this person, and he is showing all signs for you NOT to trust him. For me, (and I know that you don't like/not ready to have this option) dump this husband of yours. Kick him to the curb. This amount of texting is NOT appropriate for people who are supposed to be married. That kind of attention should be given to YOU and not to another woman, let alone married woman.

 

I hope you find the strength to choose yourself this time. I am sorry that this is happening to you.

[Jersey born raised]

To your husband: what sucks about our pasts is that they will haunt us. Yes we can grow and become better a better person but the past still has part ownership of us. He should have been aware of this and guard his actions from raising the spectra of the past.

 

MC should address issues raised by adultery, issues proceeding adultery and creation of healthy boundaries to prevent relapses. In that order. You both need to work on common boundaries and joint agreements.

 

Good for you standing up for your marriage and yourself instead of allowing limbo to continue and resentment to build.

[Superchicken]

I confronted him. He was pissed off and told me he loved me and I had nothing to worry about because they were just friends. He said if it made me uncomfortable he would stop texting with her. He was really mad because he said it took along time for me to bring it up and he said I should have told him along time ago that it bothered me. I told him that I e been through this before. He fell in love with someone online a few years ago. He said she gave him more attention than I did...never even meeting her in person. So I told him I was seeing the same red flags. He got mad and said I was throwing the past in his face.

 

Oh, please say you made up about what he said..

Are you kidding me. He got pissed off at you. This guy has no moral compass.

Holly crap, the rest of his drool doesn't warrant a repeat reposting.

 

 

A previous post said "Well, that's that". Its correct. Your stuffed !.

For no fault of your own, he decides to text other women, so remember this.

 

 

Lady, get up, get dressed, get packed, and get lost for a few days.

Let him see how serious you are. The more you argue with him, the more he knows he can continue. However, leave, and he knows its serious.

 

 

Ted

[Marc878]

"We're just friends" is the biggest lie told. His comments actions don't smell right. Watch his actions. If there is something there it could go underground.

 

Print off the phone bill with all the calls/texts and ask him what would anyone think? Ask to see their texts. That will tell you.

 

An emotional affair is secretive.

[Phoenician]

I confronted him. He was pissed off and told me he loved me and I had nothing to worry about because they were just friends. He said if it made me uncomfortable he would stop texting with her. He was really mad because he said it took along time for me to bring it up and he said I should have told him along time ago that it bothered me. I told him that I e been through this before. He fell in love with someone online a few years ago. He said she gave him more attention than I did...never even meeting her in person. So I told him I was seeing the same red flags. He got mad and said I was throwing the past in his face.

?

 

Do you want to reach a divorce quickly or try to reach a good resolution ?

 

Since this happened before , i believe it will be more difficult to resolve , and next time it will be near impossible ....

 

but before I get stoned by others here on LS , answer please my question .

[Lann13]

Unfortunately he erases most of her texts before he gets home. My only ammunition is counting how many they each send to each other because it comes up on the phone bill. I haven even shown him what I know about that though because I'm waiting for the next phone bill to come in.

 

I realized the signs of: making me feel crazy for acting like it was a big deal, getting angry, telling me they're just friends, erasing her texts, being protective of his phone, those all point to guilt. He's always been the kind of man that has lots of friends, but male. So why doesn't he text his male friends 100s of texts? It's just her. I have read a few of his texts to her when he forgot to delete. Mostly innocent crap, lots of joking around (which I think is flirting). Once he did indicate that she might make him work on a Saturday OT, and then he said "wink wink", like he actually wanted to work Saturday when all he does is complain about his job. Another time he told her he wished he was Mormon so he could make her his second wife.

[BuddyX]

Wow, just wow.

First things first. He will not stop. 90% of the time EA and PA do not stop cold turkey.

 

Here's what you do. Put a VAR in the car. Pay attention to any messaging apps on his phone. But odds are, he'll get a burner phone or create a hidden email.

[Lann13]

I hope you all don't completely hate me, but I can count on both hands how many affairs he's had in 22 years. I know most of their names and where they live and what they look like. But right now I feel stuck. More stuck then I ever have. We just moved to a new state, used most of our savings. I'm losing my job at the end of the year so money is tight but will become tighter here soon. And we have a son. We separated for 6 months the last time this happened in 2014. It was really hard on my son. I'm not sure he can go throw that again. I'm just so tired of going through it as well. I'm disgusted and angry by my husbands actions and lies but somehow still love him.

[Phoenician]

Ok ,

anyway , whatever is your answer let me express myself :

 

IM NOT DEFENDING HIM AT ALL , BUT ANY WRONG STEP YOU DO YOUR MARRIAGE WILL COLLAPSE.

 

let me just tell you from my experience as a male who went through this ....

 

-if you have been married for a short period of time ; throw the towel and get a divorce .

 

otherwise , if you love him and kids are involved and the family is a great thing to you ; you need to understand few things wether you and readers likes it or not , and these are facts , nothing to accuse you or him .

 

-He is checking out , emotionally trying to find an alternative nest .

-Physical Affair took place most probably long ago ...

-he is gazlighting , but ready also to fight back .

-he feels emotionaly hurt , (u might have hurted him , with or without your intention).

 

-he has unmet needs .

-you are ungrateful for anything he does.

 

-you are not happy since marriage , he feels failing to make you happy .

-you use silent treatment on him .

 

 

If he is a good guy in general and this issue came after a long time of what he claimed to be torture for him , If above is not true I will stop posting on this thread ,

 

otherwise if you want to hear a resolution , tell me more about both of you and I will give you an advise that change your life .

[Superchicken]

OK, I need to pick myself up.

W H A T !.

What the hell !. Whhy are you still with him.

I love my Funnel Web spider, but hey, guess what it does when you get too close to it.

 

 

How many times do you need to be bitten. You want more fingers, well here's one for your Spouse (You know which one).

 

 

 

 

 

Get out as soon as you can.

 

 

Ted.

[Phoenician]

I hope you all don't completely hate me, but I can count on both hands how many affairs he's had in 22 years. I know most of their names and where they live and what they look like. But right now I feel stuck. More stuck then I ever have. We just moved to a new state, used most of our savings. I'm losing my job at the end of the year so money is tight but will become tighter here soon. And we have a son. We separated for 6 months the last time this happened in 2014. It was really hard on my son. I'm not sure he can go throw that again. I'm just so tired of going through it as well. I'm disgusted and angry by my husbands actions and lies but somehow still love him.

 

 

Dear Honorable Lady ,

With this , my previous post is not relevant anymore .

 

My apologies .

 

I was building my answer based on the assumption that he had only emotional affair , and that he was faithfull for a long period of time ...

[Lann13]

I went to bed last night, thinking I "was" crazy for bringing it up, for thinking it was a big deal. But when I woke up this morning, I realized that by his getting so angry is a huge red flag. What I expected from an innocent person, was some empathy and understanding on my feelings. But I got none of that. He did at one point very calmly say if it bothered me that much (even though they were just friends), that he would stop. That's when I started second guessing myself, because for a split second he became calm and not angry. Then he got angry again because it took me so long to tell him. But, in my defense, that's just the kind of person I am, and he's known that for 22 years. I don't make a big deal of things right off the bat. I give myself time to think about it to make sure it's a mountain and not a molehill. But, he said that just gives me time to create more crazy non-situations in my head that don't exist.

[Phoenician]

my heart is with you sweet lady , and let me ask you a bit ...

 

What is the main problem with hubby ?

 

did you catch him in previous attempts or he confessed ?

 

what does he say about the reasons ?

 

 

Best

[Lann13]

He's had many physical and non-physical "situations" with women. We've lived in four states, and in each one he's done something. We finally moved to a state where we wanted to "retire" (only in our 40s), but a place that we both chose, not due to work or family. This is our place. But, now it's happening again. Am I crazy to make a big deal of his texting. I know some men like attention from women. But when is too much? When is it a big deal?

[aileD]

Clearly if he's cheated that many times, then neither of you have done the work needed for the marriage to recover from an affair. The fact that he got angry at you for being upset would not have happened had you both really worked on reconciling after the affairs.

 

What you have done is been in false reconciliation for all this time, and have made this the status quo. None of the issues in the marriage or your H that contribute to the affairs has been resolved, therefore he will continue to have affairs .

 

If you love him and want to reconcile, give it a chance but do it right. Individual counseling for both, marriage counseling and if your son is old enough--family counseling.

 

My gut feeling is that he won't agree to this, and since you can't do reconciliation alone, you have two choices:

 

1. Continue to live this way for the rest of your life and teach your son how to treat his future wife

 

2. Cut and run and raise your son to not think cheating is ok.

 

 

I wish you luck

[l8estnews]

This is the problem of being "dependent" with someone emotionally. You think you can't "live" without them, so you will just have to live with the pain and the abuse.

 

This is a very sad life for you AND for your son.

 

I have a friend when I was in my elementary days were his mother left him for the OM. He was devastated by it as well, but now that we are in our mid-20s, whenever we talk about our own drama, he realized he was glad that his mother left his father since he just realized how toxic the situation is.

 

I can't promise you that your son won't be hurt by this separation, just in case. But you are giving him and yourself a chance to have a much healthier well-being and quality of life if you just drop your obviously cheater of a husband.

 

I don't hate you, Lann. I pity you, actually. My mom was also left by my father but the difference between you and her is that she faced her problem, dealt with the pain, but she stood up and went through it. I wasn't left unscathed, but thinking about it now, I am glad it happened sooner than later since my mom is now happy with her new partner.

 

I hope you find a way for you to find a better OPTION B.