Catlady321 Posted November 22, 2016 Posted November 22, 2016 (edited) My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year, and are reaching the point where the next step is to move in together. We both own homes about an hour away, and I'd be moving into his. We are about 80% of the way there already, I usually spend 6 nights a week there, and go back once a week to check on my home. He lives near where he grew up and has a very close group of friends in the area as well. Two of this group live 1.5 hours or more away, and come back on the weekends. These are the only two friends in this group without girlfriends/wives, and more often than not at least one of them spends at least one night of the weekend at my boyfriend's house. (since hunting season started 2 months ago they have both spent every weekend at his house) I am more introverted by nature, and he (at least with his group of close friends) is more extroverted and can't get enough of them. I enjoy their company, but tire of them after about 3 hours. I am also a very light sleeper, and have difficulty getting to and staying asleep. For this reason I usually go to bed at a reasonable time (by midnight on the weekends) and they are night owls, sometimes staying up till 3am! (This keeps me up) I've discussed this with my boyfriend and he has made an effort to keep the noise down (I've heard him ask them while I'm in bed upstairs). We also discussed making me a little nook in the bedroom so I could read or watch something other than sports when they are all in the living room. But my sleep is still suffering, and I feel frustrated when I wake up at 8am and have no where to go to go because one friend is sleeping in the living room. I also feel like it significantly takes away from the time we spend together just the two of us, especially time to be intimate! I understand our differences on the introverted/extroverted thing. I do not at all mind the time he spends with his friends. (The rest of them all have homes in the area and he or we visit with them) But when it happens at his house, and these two friends stay over, I feel like I'm not getting the alone time or peace and quiet that I need. For me to be okay with moving in together, I don't think these sleepovers can continue. Am I being unreasonable? It almost feels like an ultimatum, but it's very important to me to have space, be able to get sleep, and also have alone time with my boyfriend! Not to mention, I'd be making some significant changes to my life if I were to move an hour away. We are adults and I just feel too old for sleepovers. Is this a reasonable request? Any advice on how to go about this discussion? Edited November 23, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator paragraphs ~T
VeveCakes Posted November 22, 2016 Posted November 22, 2016 I think it's his house right now so you will have to tolerate it. Why don't you spend those nights at home instead so you can get peace and quiet? This is definitely a discussion that needs to take place prior to moving in. Maybe set some boundaries for when his friends are over. I do think it will be difficult for him though, I have known a lot of guys like this and it's hard for them to let go of their "bros".
Gaeta Posted November 22, 2016 Posted November 22, 2016 Is this only during hunting season or it's all year round? If it's just during hunting season then stay at your home and let them enjoy their season. I am from a family of hunters, my dad and 3 brothers all hunt. My mother had to accept that during October and November she is a hunting widow. She does other things, she travels and visits her sisters, Xmas shop, visit the grand-kids living outside of town etc. She made it work for 50 years like this.
PegNosePete Posted November 22, 2016 Posted November 22, 2016 Am I being unreasonable? Whether we think you're being unreasonable or not is irrelevant. This is how you feel, whether it's reasonable or not. IMO it's a bit strange that you feel you won't get enough together time. You will be spending every evening together. He wants to spend 1 night a week with his mates. Do you feel that is a reasonable request? It's annoying being kept awake at night but your BF seems to by at least attempting to help you out as much as he can.
O'Malley Posted November 22, 2016 Posted November 22, 2016 Is there a reason that your bf doesn't spend time at your home? I wouldn't want an SO's buddies over every weekend either, but your boyfriend is an adult who is set in his ways. You can bring up your concerns about intimacy, privacy without making ultimatums - you like his friends but it would be great for both of you to have more alone time. Before you decide to move in, ask yourself if the significant adjustments you'll have to make are really worth it at this time. If the sleepovers annoy you now, you'll be even more irritated by them when you're living there 24/7. 1
Author Catlady321 Posted November 22, 2016 Author Posted November 22, 2016 I think it's his house right now so you will have to tolerate it. Why don't you spend those nights at home instead so you can get peace and quiet? I did this a couple of times throughout the past two months after not getting any sleep Friday night. When I suggested staying home the entire weekend last weekend he got upset and said that it wasn't a long term solution to our problem. And he's right, it's not. We're trying to live together. But you're right hat he's set in his ways. He'd rather me just be okay with these sleepovers. And believe me, if his bedroom was completely soundproofed, I'd have a lot easier time!
Author Catlady321 Posted November 22, 2016 Author Posted November 22, 2016 Is this only during hunting season or it's all year round? If it's just during hunting season then stay at your home and let them enjoy their season. It has been constant with hunting season, but still happened frequently before. I have no issue with being a hunting widow, it's just that if we moved in together that wouldn't be the case, as they hunt at his house.
dumbass2 Posted November 22, 2016 Posted November 22, 2016 So, if you were to move into his house, can you think of a compromise that would work for both of you?
Author Catlady321 Posted November 22, 2016 Author Posted November 22, 2016 IMO it's a bit strange that you feel you won't get enough together time. You will be spending every evening together. He wants to spend 1 night a week with his mates. Do you feel that is a reasonable request? I probably should have been more clear, I feel like we haven't been spending enough time together, not necessarily that we wouldn't be. And it's not at all that I want to keep him from his friends, it's that I'm not getting the alone time (with myself) that I feel I need on this trial-run-living-together. I guess where I'm coming from is that if it's to become my home too, I'd like to have say in how long our guests stay. I'm comfortable with all the life changes I would be making, but I think it should be a two-way street and I'm wondering if this is a reasonable and/or normal place where compromises can and should be made.
LD1990 Posted November 22, 2016 Posted November 22, 2016 If the main issue is your trouble sleeping, can't you just pop in a pair of earplugs? 1
elaine567 Posted November 22, 2016 Posted November 22, 2016 If he is under 25 and has not yet grown up and wants his mates over at the week ends, and once you move in together, he will jettison such bachelor type, macho shenanigans, then fine. However, if your bf is over 25 or especially over 40 then this is a pattern of behaviour that will not be easily changed. He will NOT want to stop this, especially if this is ingrained and seen as normal, ie his father, brothers, uncles, cousins all do the same. This "bachelor" male bonding stuff will be how he chooses to live his life, and you have to decide whether this is how you want to live your life, as basically this is it... He may have a close knit circle living there but what about you? I could be wrong here but do not think the hunting fishing shooting guys are exactly your cup of tea, so whilst at the moment it is sort of interesting to meet new people, long term it will get very boring for you. Even if you do decide to take up hunting/shooting/fishing/drinking in order to have something in common, wives/gfs getting involved is often not really what it is all about... You need to think very carefully about this. I think you should keep that house of yours for a a long while yet, do not make any rash decisions. 3
darkmoon Posted November 22, 2016 Posted November 22, 2016 you have no control over him, do not kid yourself, no guy will put up with that, you should live apart if living with him will annoy you
elaine567 Posted November 22, 2016 Posted November 22, 2016 . And believe me, if his bedroom was completely soundproofed, I'd have a lot easier time! Not necessarily, you will still have his drunken mates all over your home, every weekend - most women would not have much tolerance for that. I know you are not considering marriage yet. but when people get married they vow to "forsake all others" that doesn't just mean sexual partners that also means parents, siblings, old buddies or anyone else that will interfere with the marriage. Your bf needs to realize that if you move in, his old days of seemingly continuous bachelorhood need to be at an end. This will not work out well for you otherwise. If he is not willing to accommodate you and make some changes, then you know where you stand in his list of priorities. 1
GunslingerRoland Posted November 22, 2016 Posted November 22, 2016 This is a lifestyle especially with the hobby that you are going to have to put some serious thought into. Your boyfriend is dedicating a huge percentage of his free time to "guys time". That isn't to say that he should be cutting his friends out of his life. But at some point IMO friendships have to evolve from being mostly about guys time or girls time, to couples time or family time. Obviously he can have a hobby like hunting that doesn't include you, but if that hobby spills over to taking up his whole weekend, it's going to affect your life. Are you guys planning to have kids? 1
Gaeta Posted November 22, 2016 Posted November 22, 2016 (edited) It has been constant with hunting season, but still happened frequently before. I have no issue with being a hunting widow, it's just that if we moved in together that wouldn't be the case, as they hunt at his house. I think it's up to him to find a solution for you. It's his house. Is he a handy man? he could sound proof your bedroom or build you a personal room remote from the noise. A garden house? I have a friend who enjoys her alone time so her boyfriend built her a little garden house, it's big like a shed but it's hers and she naps and read there, sun bath. It's all fenced and she grows her roses there. Geez I have just convinced myself I want one ! lol Edited November 22, 2016 by Gaeta 1
Buddhist Posted November 22, 2016 Posted November 22, 2016 It seems to me the simple answer would be for him to build a studio in the backyard for them to stay in, or convert the garage. I don't think every weekend during hunting season is that big of a deal. But yeah couch crashing does need to come to end at some point. Telling you to go live in the bedroom every weekend isn't going to work. Just tell him, you don't want to move in until the situation is sorted. Leave him to do the sorting. 1
Author Catlady321 Posted November 23, 2016 Author Posted November 23, 2016 Thank you everyone for your advice and support. I know it may seem like a no-brainer to some of you, but it's not easy being inside the situation, and I appreciate all the feedback. More than anything I think I needed to be heard by people who wouldn't be offended, though it seems I have offended some of the people who've suggested I'm being controlling. I am not trying to impose my will or control him. It's not as if we have already taken this step and I'm making demands. I'm standing my ground for something I need (my sleep) and something I want (my peace) before any steps are taken. If there is only compromise coming from my end then it seems I do have quite a bit more insight into where I fall on his list of priorities. I too have thought about a creative solution that either takes me or them outside the house for the sleep issue. If this was simply a hunting season thing, I could be okay with that. Unfortunately earplugs will not suffice for the noise level that still remains with the current situation. What I didn't mention is that in the rare times he's gone up to bed before them (after I've already been in bed for a while), they actually have made a real effort to be quiet and I can fall asleep...maybe if that same effort were made for me i'd feel a bit differently about all of this. As far as having kids goes, I'm not sure, we're both undecided. But I do realize that this could not continue as is with children in the picture. 1
Els Posted November 23, 2016 Posted November 23, 2016 (edited) His behaviour is not unreasonable now when he's technically living alone, but if you two were to move in together it really is something that needs to stop. I cannot think of ANY happy cohabitating couple where one of them has their guy/girlfriends crashing on their couch for the night every single week. It's just not something you do if you are living with your partner. A few things that I think you need to do: 1) Stop going over on the nights where his friends are there. Why would you want to go through compromised sleep etc when he's going to be spending most of the time with them anyway? Go do your own thing, meet up with your own friends. 2) Definitely stick to your plans to require these sleepovers to stop if he wants you to move in with him. I think there can be room for compromise in that if he wants to go to his friends' house to indulge in their hobbies a few days a month, fine. Just not every single weekend, and no couch-crashing in your house. You're not an unpaid AirBnB. If he says no, then you need to think about what you want out of this relationship. He might not be ready for a serious live-in LTR yet, so you have to decide if you are okay waiting for him to be ready (do NOT move in before then!), or if you want to cut things off and leave. Edited November 23, 2016 by Elswyth 4
Els Posted November 23, 2016 Posted November 23, 2016 you have no control over him, do not kid yourself, no guy will put up with that, you should live apart if living with him will annoy you Oh come on. Plenty of guys have the good sense to not invite their mates over to crash on their couch every single weekend when they are living with a girlfriend. My SO and I moved in together at 24, and since then there has been a grand total of one occurrence of someone sleeping on our couch, who was a mutual friend who needed a place to stay. It's not exactly rocket science.
darkmoon Posted November 23, 2016 Posted November 23, 2016 (edited) Oh come on. Plenty of guys have the good sense to not invite their mates over to crash on their couch every single weekend when they are living with a girlfriend. My SO and I moved in together at 24, and since then there has been a grand total of one occurrence of someone sleeping on our couch, who was a mutual friend who needed a place to stay. It's not exactly rocket science. the shaming talk, the implication that he has no sense, would be a red flag for a person with self-respect and this is about OP's boyf and her, not you and your life she should not try to change him, and vice versa, he is what he is Edited November 23, 2016 by darkmoon
PegNosePete Posted November 23, 2016 Posted November 23, 2016 I think it should be a two-way street and I'm wondering if this is a reasonable and/or normal place where compromises can and should be made. Yes it is absolutely normal and reasonable for it to be a two-way street. But what you're suggesting is a one-way street which is your way! Is it not a reasonable compromise that he is allowed one night a week with his buddies? You have him for the other 6.
elaine567 Posted November 23, 2016 Posted November 23, 2016 It is really a compatibility issue. Weekends are special days, where people chill out and where a lot of bonding goes on, free of the responsibilities and the anxieties of the working week. To have every weekend shared with his hunting buddies is a huge ask of any person and will put a huge strain on the relationship too. There are no week end plans to be made if every week end is filled with his buddies. I highly doubt there would be much sympathy for the OP if it were her close friends who were over every week-end, engaging in her hobby and drinking late into the night and couch surfing. I doubt this will work out long term. She will start resenting his friends for being loud and disturbing her peace, crowding her life and her home, and interfering in her relationship, and he will resent her big time if she says she will not put up with his week-end buddies any longer. It is a clash of lifestyles, no-one is right or wrong, but together it just doesn't work, as to make one truly happy, the other will be unhappy. 3
Els Posted November 23, 2016 Posted November 23, 2016 the shaming talk, the implication that he has no sense, would be a red flag for a person with self-respect and this is about OP's boyf and her, not you and your life she should not try to change him, and vice versa, he is what he is My point is that it's perfectly reasonable for her to expect him to compromise on that before agreeing to move in with him, because plenty of guys are capable of doing so (contrary to your statement). Yes, a person with self-respect would not share a home with someone who was having mates crash on their couch on a weekly basis without getting her agreement first. Yes it is absolutely normal and reasonable for it to be a two-way street. But what you're suggesting is a one-way street which is your way! Is it not a reasonable compromise that he is allowed one night a week with his buddies? You have him for the other 6. Isn't the OP's concern about the friends crashing on their couch every weekend? Very different from just spending one night a week with buddies while maintaining the privacy of their home.
GunslingerRoland Posted November 23, 2016 Posted November 23, 2016 she should not try to change him, and vice versa, he is what he is But I don't think expecting someone's lifestyle to be different in a relationship than out of a relationship to be changing someone. Right now they barely get to see each other because of the distance, and his "guy time" monopolizes his time when they are together. Is that going to be better once they are living together? Sure they get to see each other weeknights, but now you get a situation where she has moved an hour from her home, to live with him, and he is still spending the majority of his free time focusing on his friends rather than her.
Gaeta Posted November 23, 2016 Posted November 23, 2016 I probably should have been more clear, I feel like we haven't been spending enough time together, not necessarily that we wouldn't be. And it's not at all that I want to keep him from his friends, it's that I'm not getting the alone time (with myself) that I feel I need on this trial-run-living-together. I guess where I'm coming from is that if it's to become my home too, I'd like to have say in how long our guests stay. I'm comfortable with all the life changes I would be making, but I think it should be a two-way street and I'm wondering if this is a reasonable and/or normal place where compromises can and should be made. OP is more worried about losing the intimacy of her home than her boyfriend spending time with his friends. These friends have homes? It's not always your boyfriend's job to welcome them in his home, it should be shared between friends.
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