My ex & I were best friends but then it blew up

[ArcticFoxRose]

Hi, here's some backstory: dated for 4 yrs & lived together for 3. We were friends first & fell in love. He is 24 & I'm 33, but it worked really well for us while it lasted.

 

Our personalities compliment each other & we always supported & took care of each other. It was a great relationship & friendship & we were planning our lives together. He ended one day by moving out & breaking my heart. He said the relationship had become one of convenience & while he still loved me, he no longer saw a future or in love.

 

For the past 3 months we have been working on being friends, but our attraction to each other kept pulling us back into bed & acting affectionately towards each other. I know I did everything wrong (so did he) because I kept talking about getting back together even though he said he didn't want to right now. He would say maybe in the future & what will be will be. He then started talking to someone else (they fight a lot & have ended it twice & have never committed to one another) and he & I pretty much continued as before her with a few pauses. I am aware I made mistakes & I was stupid & handled it badly.

 

Now I'm just trying to figure out what to do now. They are going to try 1 more time so he ended his friendship with me a couple of days ago (reasons: he felt we couldn't be just friends because of our out of this world chemistry (not exaggerating lol) & she demanded it). Keep in mind this guy was my best friend & greatest love & his loss is a huge hole in my heart & life. Our friendship ending talk was going ok with the promise of being friends in the future until she called & demanded he leave immediately.

 

Side note: she had told him to ghost on me but he refused because he respected me too much. When he tried to leave we hadn't properly said goodbye so I kept getting in the way of his leaving so we could. I was desperately trying to stop my best friend from leaving my life forever and I realized now I should have just stayed calm & handled it gracefully. I didn't react violently or anything just kept getting in the way of his leaving (like an idiot). He got mad of course & told me to never contact him again or come near him & that it was completely over.

 

He knows me incredibly well & knows I'm not crazy but just reacting badly to the situation (well I hope he realizes that). We had so many amazing times together as a couple though after the breakup it was very stressful for us both & we should have taken time apart before attempting a friendship & I need to get over him completely.

 

My question is will he come around again & be friends after he calms down or is this is it? I figure as long as he is trying to make it work with her he definitely won't be friends. He & I both have said we will be best friends for life & that we are supposed to be in each lives forever & that we love each other as friends. The connection we have has always been so strong.

 

What should I do? Should I even care anymore or even want his friendship? Will I ever have my best friend back? Thank you! Sorry for the length!

Edited December 10, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Added paragraphs ~6

[anika99]

really I think you need to accept that it is over and let go of everything including the friendship. He was so young when you met him so it's not surprising that he has changed and now wants to spread his wings. It is unlikely that you will ever bestfriends again because most woman will not accept their man having a close friendship with a woman who is in love with said man. I suspect that a lot of the trouble in your ex's current relationship was being caused by his ongoing contact with you. Sounds like he was cheating on her with you which indicates he has questionable morals and principles. His gf drew her line in the sand and clearly told him it was you or her and he picked her. You shouldn't settle for waiting around for his relationship to fail so that maybe he will choose to grace you with his company again. Gather your pride and self respect and move on.

[ArcticFoxRose]

I'm going to use this time to move on from him & bury that love so we can be friends without the complications. Have you ever met someone who you knew in the deepest part of your soul was suppose to be in your life forever? That is him & he feels the same way. The only reason he put it on pause is because we tried way too soon to be friends & we need time to become platonic & she freaked out after saying it was ok. As to the other woman, they are not committed, just talking, so no cheating. They fight a lot about many things & their relationship does not seem healthy (it's only been happening for 2 months). Her best friend is her ex of 9 years. Just wanted to clear that up lol.

So I'm going to not contact him & try to heal & get to a healthy place. It's been really hard to move on from him, but I think this forced distance will really help. Thank you for your response!

[elaine567]

Being friends with exes only works out well if neither are emotionally invested in the other.

 

You are highly invested in this man, be honest, you do not want a friendship, you want him back.

You are prepared to put up with just about anything to keep him in your life. He has used you as a fwb and still you hang on in there, he now has another woman and still you hang on in there...

People say all sorts of things during relationships that they do not mean so

"He & I both have said we will be best friends for life & that we are supposed to be in each lives forever & that we love each other as friends. The connection we have has always been so strong. "

is all just bunkum and the stuff ex lovers tell each other. YOU are also projecting your "strong feelings" on to him.

Believe me, he has no intentions of being your friend here.

 

YOUR relationship went pear-shaped, he is 24, too young to tie himself down for life, so he wants to go out there and meet other women.

He was no longer happy with you, he saw no future, he was no longer in love, so he broke up and went to find someone he could be happy with.

Why on earth would he want to complicate his life by trying to keep a "friendship" going with you?

Men rarely do "friendships" with women, it is often sadly only about sex which seems to be the case here too.

 

Opposite sex friendships just get in the way of real relationships (as became patently obvious here).

Relationships are difficult enough without at the same time trying to maintain the "besotted you" as a friend.

Leave him alone.

YOU cannot be friends with him, so do not waste another moment of your life thinking about it.

Grieve, heal and move on, is my advice.

[preraph]

I think he should now realize he can't be "just friends" with you and so he either needs to jump all the way back in or get all the way out. No woman he's dating is going to put up with you hanging around demanding his attention, and she shouldn't. You're not trying to be friends. You're trying to get back together after he's told you no.

 

Listen, men will ALWAYS keep coming back for sex, even when coupled up, as long as they can get both women to go along with it. But no one wanting a real relationship would put up with it. Just because he still wants to have sex doesn't mean he's still really into you or that there's any chance he will ever want to marry you. He's already decided you're not the one. If you ever really cared about the man, you should let him go and leave him alone so he can have a happy life.

[Miss Clavel]

Hi, here's some backstory: dated for 4 yrs & lived together for 3. We were friends first & fell in love. He is 24 & I'm 33, but it worked really well for us while it lasted. Our personalities compliment each other & we always supported & took care of each other. It was a great relationship & friendship & we were planning our lives together. He ended one day by moving out & breaking my heart. He said the relationship had become one of convenience & while he still loved me, he no longer saw a future or in love. For the past 3 months we have been working on being friends, but our attraction to each other kept pulling us back into bed & acting affectionately towards each other. I know I did everything wrong (so did he) because I kept talking about getting back together even though he said he didn't want to right now. He would say maybe in the future & what will be will be. He then started talking to someone else (they fight a lot & have ended it twice & have never committed to one another) and he & I pretty much continued as before her with a few pauses. I am aware I made mistakes & I was stupid & handled it badly. Now I'm just trying to figure out what to do now. They are going to try 1 more time so he ended his friendship with me a couple of days ago (reasons: he felt we couldn't be just friends because of our out of this world chemistry (not exaggerating lol) & she demanded it). . What should I do? Should I even care anymore or even want his friendship? Will I ever have my best friend back? Thank you! Sorry for the length!

 

you are in denial. and that's a very painful place because there is no progress. in order to make progress you will have to stop sitting in the ****, get up and move on.

 

it's over. it's so very over. face it. then do what i call, "running the drill".

 

that's when you start to accept it and feel it by doing whatever it takes to start to move on.

 

netflix, ice cream, booze. one night stand.

 

get started. it's the only way to reduce the pain.

 

remember, he doesn't want you. he's told you. he wants someone else.

 

sorry. i'm sure that hurts, seeing it like that. but those are the FACTS.

 

face the facts so you can take back your power.

 

if i were you i wouldn't take him back even if he begged me. he's too young and there is nothing "friendly" about him continuing to have sex with you while looking for someone else. hello?

[ArcticFoxRose]

Thank you. You are right & I'm tired of the rollercoaster. It just sucks. Thanks again.

[ExpatInItaly]

You will need to find a new best friend.

 

It just isn't realistic or appropriate to remain best friends with an ex, particularly when one person is dating someone else. So, you need to be more honest with yourself that you won't be best friends for life. That's not how break-ups work.

 

Take Miss Clavel's advice so you can start accepting the reality that it's over. You very much need a universe of space from him. It doesn't matter what his situation is with his new girlfriend. What matters is that you begin to detach from him and work instead on healing yourself and fostering existing friendships.

 

Exes very rarely remain in our lives forever, and it's a good thing. We'd never be able to move on otherwise.

[Latino4Lyfe]

This is very similar to what my ex tried to do with me a few years back. She broke it off with me for reasons which to this day make no sense whatsoever and a while later tried to friendzone me and call me her "best friend" and BS me all while dating and wasting her time with bad people and giving out breadcrumbs and false hope.

 

The reason I put up with a lot of that while aside being foolish and still in love had a lot to do with guilt as prior to me, she was out of control with just life in general and I noticed similar traits after the break up with her making the same bad decisions even if she denied or made excuses and I didn't want to feel guilty that something were to have happened to her and I could've stopped it.

 

In the end of it all, she took me for granted, abandoned me completely and decided to basically embrace her negative lifestyle at a time when I really needed her and all my friends by my side. The friends were there, she wasn't. Just goes to show who is really there for one another. But soon after, my life began to pick back up and now things have gotten really great. I'm sure my special one won't be too far now .

 

My point to you is, that you are a lot better off with just living your life right now and later on, someone really special will come and treasure you and treat you light-years better than this guy did.

 

One day your "best friend" will open his eyes and look at all the damage he's done and by then it will be too late, you will be long gone and happy .

[ArcticFoxRose]

Thank you guys for your responses. It's been 3 weeks & every day gets easier. Now I'm starting to plan my European trip that I put off because I was with him & his job wouldn't allow for him to go. Nothing stands in my way now!