FWB situation - I need some serious scolding, LS

[DK_Casus]

We did agree on NC as I wrote in another post, after I told him how miserable I feel being in a situation that we are and how badly I need us to let go of each other. He said it has been hard to completely let go of me too. I do truly believe he has enough respect for me to not come back after this. Other times we broke up it was mostly me initiating contact too, while he was suggesting that he stops writing, if I need it.

So I don't really agree it was manipulations, I mean I accepted having this little contact almost without complaining. So I don't feel like a victim. I did want those meetings and held on breadcrumbs.

 

Blocking isn't a permanent thing, and it can be undone.

 

It's just a way to alleviate the temptation when you're in a dark, lonely place.

 

Believe me, I've been there myself.

 

It doesn't really matter who's to blame. It's never really interesting or helpful pointing fingers.

 

What matters is getting you better, right?

 

For that, I'm afraid there's really no other way than going full NC with everything it entails.

 

Unless you think your personality is going to magically change - or you feel entirely sure he's not going to contact you ever again.

 

I honestly doubt that, based on what you've told us.

[Lorenza]

Blocking isn't a permanent thing, and it can be undone.

 

It's just a way to alleviate the temptation when you're in a dark, lonely place.

 

Believe me, I've been there myself.

 

It doesn't really matter who's to blame. It's never really interesting or helpful pointing fingers.

 

What matters is getting you better, right?

 

For that, I'm afraid there's really no other way than going full NC with everything it entails.

 

Unless you think your personality is going to magically change - or you feel entirely sure he's not going to contact you ever again.

 

I honestly doubt that, based on what you've told us.

 

 

Actually, I once blocked him, when I mistakenly thought he cheated on me. But it felt bad. I hate to part with people on bad terms. Even though I thought he cheated, I unblocked the number to wish him well on a surgery he had to go through. There was a chance the surgery would not go well and I didn't want the last contact to be filled with anger.

 

So blocking is not a perfect solution since I would just feel heavy on my heart. I'd rather take a chance to part on nice terms and hope to move on from there.

[DK_Casus]

Actually, I once blocked him, when I mistakenly thought he cheated on me. But it felt bad. I hate to part with people on bad terms. Even though I thought he cheated, I unblocked the number to wish him well on a surgery he had to go through. There was a chance the surgery would not go well and I didn't want the last contact to be filled with anger.

 

So blocking is not a perfect solution since I would just feel heavy on my heart. I'd rather take a chance to part on nice terms and hope to move on from there.

 

I didn't say it was perfect - as nothing ever is.

 

As for what you should do, that's obviously entirely up to you.

 

I'm simply doing what you asked for, which is giving my best advice without sugarcoating it.

 

In my experience, blocking is effective - because then I can't see the profile - and it takes slightly more effort to pursue unhealthy activities in this context. As such, it's better than simply trying to ignore someone you're longing to reach out to.

 

Again, not rocket science.

[Lorenza]

I didn't say it was perfect - as nothing ever is.

 

As for what you should do, that's obviously entirely up to you.

 

I'm simply doing what you asked for, which is giving my best advice without sugarcoating it.

 

In my experience, blocking is effective - because then I can't see the profile - and it takes slightly more effort to pursue unhealthy activities in this context. As such, it's better than simply trying to ignore someone you're longing to reach out to.

 

Again, not rocket science.

 

Well, it's true that seeing each other profile's is hurtful and should be avoided, but the thing is I don't have him on any of the social medias anyway. So I don't see him or when he's online. Not even IG, since it's on private. I unfollowed long time ago, believing that social medias are harmful for relationships.

His phone nr is not saved in my phonebook either.

 

So I think it would be silly to go further than that

[joseb]

No, I'm not gonna block him, that's just silly - he haven't wronged me. I'm platonic friends with one of my exes, since few months ago. Took almost 2 years though. I don't like to pretend that people stop existing, unless they maliciously do me wrong.

Hope he really understood me and won't reach out until lots of time passes.

 

You misunderstand the purpose of blocking. It's not a way to get at him. It's a way to allow you to move on properly, without the chance that some breadcrumb message he sends will find you at a weak point and you are back to square one before you know it.

Only really mentally strong people can deal with contact from their exes. For the vast majority, no contact is the best policy.

 

Instead of "hoping he will not contact you" take control of your life and ensure he doesn't. If you feel bad, explain what you are doing beforehand, and that it's not personal.

 

You wish you had the strength to free yourself from your own trap? This is how you do it.

[DK_Casus]

Well, it's true that seeing each other profile's is hurtful and should be avoided, but the thing is I don't have him on any of the social medias anyway. So I don't see him or when he's online. Not even IG, since it's on private. I unfollowed long time ago, believing that social medias are harmful for relationships.

His phone nr is not saved in my phonebook either.

 

So I think it would be silly to go further than that

 

So, what you're saying is that there's nothing preventing him from taking control and EASILY initiating contact once more.

 

Can you honestly say that's smart?

[Lorenza]

So, what you're saying is that there's nothing preventing him from taking control and EASILY initiating contact once more.

 

Can you honestly say that's smart?

 

It's usually me initiating contact after breaking up. So blocking or no blocking, it's my own mind I need to start taking control off. :/

[DK_Casus]

It's usually me initiating contact after breaking up. So blocking or no blocking, it's my own mind I need to start taking control off. :/

 

"Usually" being the key word here.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm trying to figure out what you're thinking here.

 

In your initial post you described a selfish piece of crap human being - but maybe I have different standards.

 

I know - for some people - using others for sex and being all but indifferent when that's not part of the picture is acceptable behavior. That's cold and disgustingly self-serving in my world.

 

To me, it's 100% unacceptable - and nothing good could ever come from having such a person in your life.

 

But that's me, and if you think "honoring" whatever you have with him is done by not blocking him - that's your business.

[Lorenza]

Just a little update.

 

It has been a week of NC by now. He hasn't tried to reach out, besides liking a picture of me and my cat on IG.

I'm missing him, but haven't felt the need to reach out and text him either.

[Lorenza]

He's asking me to meet him again... Why can't he just end everything?? I'm trying to get to know other guys but it's not gonna work if he keeps popping up and stirring the waters.

 

But I'm not gonna give in and meet him this time.

[morrowrd]

You don't need a beating, you don't need advice...you know what you're doing is hurting you, none of us here need to preach to the choir.

 

What I will suggest, is that when someone cannot let go, they might be wanting to avoid the grieving process that goes with loss. And to close a chapter in your life like this, to you it seems less painful to maintain these scraps of attention as opposed to the total closing the door and moving on.

 

You should remember, that there is a scale here. The grams on one side are all the things you are going to deal with by doing an about face, ending this "relationship" and sucking it up and going through the painful grieving process. The grams on the other side of the scale are the consequences of NOT ending things, allowing yourself to be used, strung along, watching your self esteem take hit after hit because whether you will admit it here or even to yourself, the question of "how come I'm not good enough" takes it's toll.

 

The scale will tip one way or another. You are the one living with the results of your choices. None of us here can judge you, only provide feedback, and hopefully advice that helps. My advice is, count the costs of each choice, decide what you're willing to live with, and then choose. Dismiss what other's think, this is your life. Although with that statement, remember you only live once. Don't waste time and valuable year's that you can't get back making regrettable choices.

[Lorenza]

Thanks guys. I have now blocked his number, facebook and Ig.

[umirano]

Thanks guys. I have now blocked his number, facebook and Ig.

 

Excellent.

 

Once you successfully used true NC you won't look back.

[nothingsintheflowerz]

Don't get discouraged; you've got this, girl! Sending you my prayers and best wishes.

[Lorenza]

Don't get discouraged; you've got this, girl! Sending you my prayers and best wishes.

 

Thanks for your kind words <3

[Redhead14]

He's asking me to meet him again... Why can't he just end everything?? I'm trying to get to know other guys but it's not gonna work if he keeps popping up and stirring the waters.

 

But I'm not gonna give in and meet him this time.

 

Why can't he just end everything? -- YOU need to end it by blocking his number or not even reading any thing he sends and certainly not responding.

 

And, I hope you don't give in . . . because if you do, you are being your own worst enemy.

[ashy555]

Well done Lorenza,

 

Blocking him was a huge step and takes someone mentally strong to be able to do that.

 

I was in a similar situation at the start of this year. I was seeing someone who I didn't think was relationship material for about 5 months. I just thought.. You're having a heap of fun so why not. I thought I didn't have feelings. I never felt jealous or anxious. I felt free. The I started to think "boy this isn't going to end well. I need to end it now before I hurt myself"

 

In the end he just vanished into thin air. He wanted to come over one night. Never showed and never responded to me. I was crushed and wish I had gotten in earlier. My self esteem copped a beating. It was awful and through no fault of my own. I ended up deleting him off snapchat and facebook for my own mental health. I could see he had met someone else. Who he now seems very happy in a relationship with. The anxiety that got me was horrendous. Some days I couldn't even eat.

 

The thing is, it happens to the best of us. We all make mistakes and we learn from them. You have ended it in a civil matter which you should take comfort in. If you had have kept going he could have ghosted you or met someone else and it would have been soul crushing.

[Els]

Thanks guys. I have now blocked his number, facebook and Ig.

 

Good job! I hope you stick to it.

[Versacehottie]

He's asking me to meet him again... Why can't he just end everything?? I'm trying to get to know other guys but it's not gonna work if he keeps popping up and stirring the waters.

 

But I'm not gonna give in and meet him this time.

 

Glad you blocked him and all that. I think it's what YOU needed to do.

 

I bolded your statement above because it's passive. Why can't YOU just end everything? It's your life and you have control over who you allow into it and who you cut out of it. Change your mentality. Be the director of what happens in your own life. It WILL work if you want it to work. If you are not 100% strong enough to deal with it on your own, use tactics that will help you such as blocking him, as you did. I'd like to think that you are stronger than just a tactic that helps you carry out your current wishes--but if a tactic is what you need to get started that's fine. But basically you need to take an ACTIVE role in what happens to you. i.e. put it this way: if i were in your shoes, and wanted to move on from some guy, I wouldn't NEED him to decide to just end things and leave me alone--I can decide that all on my own, I would and wouldn't need blocking to help me make that decision. I would only block if he was calling and harassing repeatedly. In your case, I think it's fine that you block but at some point you need to have the personal strength to JUST> NOT WANT HIM. Gather strength during this time. You need it now; you will need it in the future. No one should decide but you HOW your life unfolds. So decide. Good luck

[Lorenza]

Why can't he just end everything? -- YOU need to end it by blocking his number or not even reading any thing he sends and certainly not responding.

 

And, I hope you don't give in . . . because if you do, you are being your own worst enemy.

 

Yes, I did that now. But I did let him know it's not personal. It's just something I NEED to do for myself.

 

I keep on trying to find the reasons within myself and understand what made it so hard for me to let go of a bad relationship.

[Lorenza]

Glad you blocked him and all that. I think it's what YOU needed to do.

 

I bolded your statement above because it's passive. Why can't YOU just end everything? It's your life and you have control over who you allow into it and who you cut out of it. Change your mentality. Be the director of what happens in your own life. It WILL work if you want it to work. If you are not 100% strong enough to deal with it on your own, use tactics that will help you such as blocking him, as you did. I'd like to think that you are stronger than just a tactic that helps you carry out your current wishes--but if a tactic is what you need to get started that's fine. But basically you need to take an ACTIVE role in what happens to you. i.e. put it this way: if i were in your shoes, and wanted to move on from some guy, I wouldn't NEED him to decide to just end things and leave me alone--I can decide that all on my own, I would and wouldn't need blocking to help me make that decision. I would only block if he was calling and harassing repeatedly. In your case, I think it's fine that you block but at some point you need to have the personal strength to JUST> NOT WANT HIM. Gather strength during this time. You need it now; you will need it in the future. No one should decide but you HOW your life unfolds. So decide. Good luck

 

So many things has happened since I moved to another country that were out of my control, that I don't feel like I am the one deciding. I know I need to take things into my hands, but I don't feel motivated at all. Don't know where I stand and who I am, maybe that is the reason why I can't let go of things that aren't good for me.

[Versacehottie]

So many things has happened since I moved to another country that were out of my control, that I don't feel like I am the one deciding. I know I need to take things into my hands, but I don't feel motivated at all. Don't know where I stand and who I am, maybe that is the reason why I can't let go of things that aren't good for me.

 

I can sympathize with your troubles. It's hard to be in a new country. Maybe rather than focus on how hard it's been and feeling like you have no self worth, you should see yourself as the strong person who made it to a new country and making a life there. Actually not everyone can do that. It takes strength and courage to move to a different country--let that motivate you. I am worried though when you said the statement I bolded in your previous post and additional explanation here that you are falling into a victim mentality. You have to make sure that this doesn't happen to you. It's bad for ALL of life. Basically you have free will. Accept that you are lonely which may have been the reason you were susceptible to him trying to be in your life on his terms and you allowed it. I think if you come to terms with admitting you are lonely and sit with that for a little bit, you can let go of the hold this person has over you. Needless to say, however you go about it, it is YOUR choice. Try to switch into problem solving mode, rather than stay in feeling mode. Like you did with blocking him. That's problem-solving and action rather than staying in feelings mode, "poor me", "I have no control", "i am worthless".

 

I mean, didn't you feel stronger, more certain once you blocked? That is because you TOOK control, stopped playing the victim, and little by little that will give you the worth you need to find for yourself. Do more decisions like that. good luck

[Redhead14]

So many things has happened since I moved to another country that were out of my control, that I don't feel like I am the one deciding. I know I need to take things into my hands, but I don't feel motivated at all. Don't know where I stand and who I am, maybe that is the reason why I can't let go of things that aren't good for me.

 

maybe that is the reason why I can't let go of things that aren't good for me -- people who are not strong emotionally, will cling to negative things in their life. They become comfortable with the uncomfortable because they feel that's what they deserve on some level. This is the reason that women who are in abusive relationships don't leave. They feel as though they deserve the abuse and they've become accustomed to it. They stay because at least they know what they have and are afraid of the unknown, so it's easier to stay than leave.

[Lorenza]

maybe that is the reason why I can't let go of things that aren't good for me -- people who are not strong emotionally, will cling to negative things in their life. They become comfortable with the uncomfortable because they feel that's what they deserve on some level. This is the reason that women who are in abusive relationships don't leave. They feel as though they deserve the abuse and they've become accustomed to it. They stay because at least they know what they have and are afraid of the unknown, so it's easier to stay than leave.

 

Yes, that's also true.

 

It's not like I walk around thinking "I deserve unhappiness, I deserve to be treated rather poorly", but unhappiness is definitely a familiar feeling in my life. Probably I accept it unconsciously. And, like Versacehottie wrote, I'm stuck within a victim mentality. I don't really know how to be a winner. Keep hearing from my mother how poor, unhappy and worth pity I am. She always cries and says things like "Children of my cousins all have great lives, but not my daughter, not my poor little daughter. I'm cursed and my daughter is cursed too".

 

Eh, I wish I could just start over.

[OatsAndHall]

I won't judge anyone that gets involved in a FWB situation but people need to understand that it comes with baggage. Two people can lay out all of the rules they want but emotions really can't be governed by those rules. I ran into this situation about a month ago. I went on a few incredible dates with a woman that was very physically attracted to. She decided that she wasn't ready for those kinds of emotions but wanted to be FWB. I was tempted but I knew that I couldn't handle it in the long run. I knew that I'd become more emotionally attached to her initially, grow frustrated that we didn't have a relationship and my libido would crash after a few rounds. Or, it'd probably turn into a weird on again/off again relationship as we'd both develop more emotion for each other and then one of us would call it off.