Something's fishy bout the guy I'm dating

[healthyhopes]

You wrote the quote above before the stuff below. So what led you to worry about being a rebound then?

 

 

 

You have a lot riding on this IG post of his ex's that she made on October 3. Are you sure it's your guy she was referring to and not some new guy?

 

 

I guess it's because he just got out of a two year relationship and I was a rebound w the last guy so I'm paranoid. Also they still talk and stuff-- fresh clean out of the breakup

 

I mean it's literally a picture of both of them together, w the caption bout how it's national boyfriend day

[LD1990]

If you want to date him, date him. But don't take it too seriously at this point. You mentioned he lives in a dorm. I take it you two are late teens or early twenties and in college? Another reason not to get too serious, at least not yet.

 

As a general rule, I think it's good to keep it casual when someone is still in contact with an ex.

[elaine567]

A rebound is a person who gets involved with someone who is still emotionally attached to their ex.

 

Dumpees in general tend to rebound, they are so cut up about being dumped they grab the first person who comes along to stop themselves hurting. They slot the new person into the place their beloved occupied, they get far too involved early on and it is only when they come out of the grieving process that they realize the new person is NOT their ex and so they promptly dump him/her.

 

Dumpers in general are a different kettle of fish, they have often thought long and hard before they do the dumping. They have often got over the relationship long before the day of the split. They often know their own mind and have decided it is over for good and they want to date others.

Dumpers in general can quickly move on and never look back. They are no longer emotionally involved with the ex and so their next relationship is often NOT a rebound and it is just a normal relationship with the same risks of failing/succeeding like any other.

 

Of course like so many things in life there are many grey areas and quirks, so it is possible to get dumpees that do not care a damn, and dumpers who are indeed heartbroken.

 

If your gut is screaming that there is something not quite right here, then forget about "rebound" vs "not a rebound" - it is thus a moot point and instead just listen to your gut.

Edited November 22, 2016 by elaine567

[olivetree]

Yes, listen to your gut.

 

I don't think it is ever wise to date someone that just got out of a long term relationship.

 

2 months to get over a 2 year relationship? I highly doubt he has moved on, even as the dumper. The fact that they spend time together tells you he is still holding on.

People break up all the time and drag it out. Break up, make up. Repeat. His bond with her is stronger than it is with you right now. And he is still nurturing that bond by keeping in contact with her.

 

You have a better chance of making it work with him if you let him go and then maybe get together in the future. But obviously don't wait around, just move on.

[Empyrea]

Reading your original post, I would say you're not a rebound. It's important here that he was the dumper, not the dumpee, as well as the fact that he had mentally checked out months before leaving her. So he had probably processed the decision and moved on long before. However, it is more concerning that she's still in his life so soon after the breakup and that he's been kissing other people while dating you..? It sounds like he could be more interested in simply dating around for awhile and might not want another serious relationship, which you should consider. And it's hard to predict how the relationship with the ex will pan out if they haven't even done the obligatory no contact period yet, so it's still somewhere in limbo, where they probably have some of their old habits in place. I wouldn't get invested too quickly just in case, but yeah, in my opinion, not primarily due to the rebound hypothesis.

[healthyhopes]

On monday I texted him asking to hang out, and he said he was busy until late so he couldn't and then asked when I would be next available. I told him either tuesday or the weekend.

 

I spoke to him a little on tuesday (i initiated) and then neither talked to the other wednesday / thursday (which i was a little upset about, but ok). Friday (today) he snapchatted me in the morning, which I replied to. We had a conversation but he stopped replying (sometimes he does this and responds later, other times he's busy and doesn't-- which is new. This time he didn't respond later, he just stopped responding.)

 

He didn't contact me all day and we haven't hung out.

 

i guess it's minor and I wasn't too invested in anything with him but I'm upset. Does it sound like a slow fade to you? I don't want to contact him anymore and I'm tired of constantly being hurt by guys... I guess I shouldn't have talked to someone with so many red flags but I was so excited to finally be with who i thought was a nice guy

[Sweetfish]

On monday I texted him asking to hang out, and he said he was busy until late so he couldn't and then asked when I would be next available. I told him either tuesday or the weekend.

 

I spoke to him a little on tuesday (i initiated) and then neither talked to the other wednesday / thursday (which i was a little upset about, but ok). Friday (today) he snapchatted me in the morning, which I replied to. We had a conversation but he stopped replying (sometimes he does this and responds later, other times he's busy and doesn't-- which is new. This time he didn't respond later, he just stopped responding.)

 

He didn't contact me all day and we haven't hung out.

 

i guess it's minor and I wasn't too invested in anything with him but I'm upset. Does it sound like a slow fade to you? I don't want to contact him anymore and I'm tired of constantly being hurt by guys... I guess I shouldn't have talked to someone with so many red flags but I was so excited to finally be with who i thought was a nice guy

 

 

Despite what all the other posters say.

 

I warned you were a rebound.

 

Dumper or dumpee

 

Once you leave a relationship and go into another, its simply a transfer of feelings to the next person from the last relationship and they will compare it to the previous relationship. If the grass is not greener or its not like the old relationship. they will fade away slowly and check out. This takes about 2 months.

 

The ex and him still hangout?

Edited December 3, 2016 by Sweetfish

[healthyhopes]

I don't know if they do hang or not.

 

What happened is this: I met him the day before we both left for break, and we just hung out and had a good time. He seemed like he wanted me to like him and his behaviors, actions, and tone of voice all checked out.

When I brought up the fact that I was worried about being a rebound, he assured me that I was not, and that he went on dates with other people that were more rebound in nature. He said : "I am interested in you" and then said "but I am not looking for anything serious" Which I was happy to hear, because we are both very busy, and I don't know him well enough for a relationship anyways. I would want to get to know him more first. Do you think my questioning of him scared him off?

 

And then, everything I mentioned earlier happened.

 

The fact that we didn't hang out yesterday is irredeemable, yes? What I am worried about is that he maybe thought I was the one who should confirm it?

The conversation (basically) went like this:

"Hey, do you want to do homework together today?"

"I want to, but I'm busy until 9"

"That's fine! have fun"

"Are you free anytime later this week?"

"Yes, tomorrow or this weekend"

"Okay, maybe we can hang on friday"

I responded saying that that would be nice.

 

He should have contacted me, right? Or is it not that big of a deal since it wasn't set in stone? Is this rejection? Am I right to be upset? Sometimes my anxiety causes me to blow things out of proportion.... My hunch is that I shouldn't contact him but one of my friends says I should. I don't know. My feelings are I shouldn't initiate any conversation with him anymore from this point, but I'm also worried that perhaps he wanted me to contact him.

[healthyhopes]

On part of me wants to text him and ask: "Did you forget about plans, think I should have contacted you, or are you not interested anymore?" (except, perhaps, less blunt)

And another part of me wants me to just delete the number, seem nonchalant and ok with everything (I did make other plans yesterday and posted evidence on my snapchat story so that he would see that I wasn't waiting ofr him) and not contact him anymore (i am just worried that he genuinely forgot or thought that I should contact him)

[healthyhopes]

I am so embarrassed

I told my friends and made a fool out of myself and he rejected me twice. Him saying "maybe" was rejecting me in a very polite way. Why did he even ask if I was free then??

[winny]

Step back... like step back 10000 miles.

Him saying that he doesn't want anything serious means he views you as a FWB kinda girl at the maximum. And you my friend however seem to like him way too much.

Don't text him. If he texts you ever say - "I am sorry but I don't think you are at the the right place in life to be able to date me. Thanks and good bye."

 

Don't feel rejected and dumped... if fact you can send this text to him now... and dump him control is always with you.

[bachdude]

I agree. Given you recent posts, healthyhopes, I would also suggest pulling the plug. Just based on my experience, I don't see this turning out well for you.

 

 

Why not find a guy who is not a recent dumper or dumpee, is not hanging around his ex, is looking for more than a FWB, doesn't blow you off, etc. Doesn't that sound kind of nice?

[healthyhopes]

Step back... like step back 10000 miles.

Him saying that he doesn't want anything serious means he views you as a FWB kinda girl at the maximum. And you my friend however seem to like him way too much.

Don't text him. If he texts you ever say - "I am sorry but I don't think you are at the the right place in life to be able to date me. Thanks and good bye."

 

Don't feel rejected and dumped... if fact you can send this text to him now... and dump him control is always with you.

 

ok. I really don't want to be a fwb girl again.

There's no way of this ever becoming serious, right? Even if it did seem that he liked me?

I am thinking of never texting him again, because me dumping him brings a bad taste to my mouth, as if maybe he's just busy, and destroys anything happening in the future, or something.... Am I wrong in saying this?

[elaine567]

People who are interested act interested, even very busy people who are interested act interested. They want to be with you, they reschedule events just so that they can spend time with you, they make time, they don't say things like "I don't want anything serious". That is shorthand for "I want to date and sleep with other people too."

This guy shows little or no interest in you, sorry to say.

Move on.

[winny]

ok. I really don't want to be a fwb girl again.

There's no way of this ever becoming serious, right? Even if it did seem that he liked me?

I am thinking of never texting him again, because me dumping him brings a bad taste to my mouth, as if maybe he's just busy, and destroys anything happening in the future, or something.... Am I wrong in saying this?

 

It's okay to just not text him anymore, but I feel sad that you want to do that in hopes of getting a chance in future.

I used to be like you so I know where you are coming from. But you need to value yourself much more than this and weed out these douchebags super fast so that you make time for a nice guy about whom you don't have to wonder so much. A guy who doesn't keep you hanging. You are already comprising so much and making excuses for him when he doesn't even bother enough to text you back!

Girl, you are high quality, you don't chase after anyone who doesn't treat you the way you deserve. Instead you are sitting here feeling so low for a low quality guy who doesn't know how to manage his personal life. What kind of BF can this guy be to anyone???

I am so sure there would be some super cute guy who is actually looking for a girl like you and you need to make room for him.

[KatZee]

Definitely just slow fade out of this guy's life. Delete his number and don't waste one more second of mental energy on this.

 

Word for Word this was my situation years ago. Met a guy, he was fresh out of a long term relationship, he went on and on how he had wanted to end it for a long time, hadn't been in love with her for a long time, I wasn't a rebound, wanted her as a friend and nothing more.

 

Four months later they were banging behind my back. Everyone knew but me. I found out three years into our relationship.

 

Worst situation I've ever been in. I wish I would have listened to my gut from the beginning worrying about him rebounding and how I felt it was so odd he was adamant she remain in his life as a friend. "Friend." LOL stop.

 

He's not at the place to date you. On to the next. He already blew you off twice you don't have to feel guilty about disappearing.

[healthyhopes]

ok. That made me feel better. It's just hard because I already have expectations and was so excited to have someone who i liked also like me back, and I'll feel rude not answering his texts or something. But if he's going to not text me, I guess it'll be fine...

I guess ideally, he would contact me in the future (me not waiting for him, etc) or something when everything is all settled in his head. Though I doubt that'll happen.

[healthyhopes]

so.... his snapchat story features him in the hospital. Should i ask if he's doing ok and be altruistic (where I'm leaning, as i would ask anyone if they're ok)? or ignore bc he's ghosted me besides that? I mean for all I know, he could have just over-drank on the weekend or something

[healthyhopes]

i sent him some good words.... i can't just not say something to someone who is clearly sick. It'll be the last thing I send though.

[healthyhopes]

he had a severe allergic reaction and something is wrong with his stomach. i am guessing this all happened earlier today or yesterday. so It's probably not an excuse for anything (esp since he could have talked to me at any other time, and was alive and moving about on the day we were supposed to hang) and i bet i'm still being slow faded. I feel much better about things today and so I will let this be the last communication we have (i'm usually not inclined to have contact, this just felt like something i should do) and move on completely.