healthyhopes Posted November 14, 2016 Posted November 14, 2016 One of the first college parties I went to I spoke to a guy and immediately we traded numbers and got coffee together. We had dinner a couple of times, text about every day, and now are considered "dating" (his own words-- "You know these are dates, right?" haha).I've known him about a month. However, he has recently broken up with his girlfriend of about two years; he broke up with her, and didn't want to be with her anymore. I suppose he fell out of love? He was planning on breaking up with her at the beginning of summer, but due to a bunch of complications this stretched out till the end of summer. He didn't expect her to end up, however, in the same dorm and floor as him. When I spoke to him about this, he says he can't stop caring about her because he isn't that kind of person, but doesn't want to be with her anymore. He never brings her up in conversation unless I bring it up first. Perhaps it's too quick to ask this question, as we are just dating-- aren't boyfriend/girlfriend and may never be; but do you think that I am a rebound? Or does it sound like I am in the clear? I guess I'm just paranoid about getting hurt again, even though I'm not even really invested right now. Red flags I see are how they still remain friends-- Recently, I saw the two of them walking together; they had done homework together. He originally planned on cutting off contact with her, but much prefers her as his friend. However, I suppose this is normal. Another red flag is how we started dating right away after we met, but maybe I just think this is red-flaggy just because most of my older relationships and date-scenarios have stemmed from friendships. When I asked him if it was a rebound he said "no, a rebound would be much faster" I said I didn't know what a rebound would look like, he said he didn't either.
gorf Posted November 14, 2016 Posted November 14, 2016 he says he can't stop caring about her because he isn't that kind of person but do you think that I am a rebound? I guess I'm just paranoid about getting hurt again Red flags I see are how they still remain friends-- Recently, I saw the two of them walking together; they had done homework together. He originally planned on cutting off contact with her, but much prefers her as his friend. However, I suppose this is normal. Another red flag is how we started dating right away after we met, but maybe I just think this is red-flaggy just because most of my older relationships and date-scenarios have stemmed from friendships. When I asked him if it was a rebound he said "no, a rebound would be much faster" I said I didn't know what a rebound would look like, he said he didn't either. He still has feelings for her and yes you are a rebound. You dont want to be hurt again, but you are putting yourself in a situation that will likely bring heart ache. Don't buy the friends thing, especially since he just broke up with her. I mean, come on healthyhopes get real. To answer your question: yes, this is clearly a rebound. 1
Author healthyhopes Posted November 14, 2016 Author Posted November 14, 2016 He still has feelings for her and yes you are a rebound. You dont want to be hurt again, but you are putting yourself in a situation that will likely bring heart ache. Don't buy the friends thing, especially since he just broke up with her. I mean, come on healthyhopes get real. To answer your question: yes, this is clearly a rebound. Can you tell me why you think it is one? Why do you think he doesn't actually want to be friends with her? I am so paranoid about this and I don't want to get hurt again, but in the same vein of things I don't want to be pessimistic. 1
Author healthyhopes Posted November 14, 2016 Author Posted November 14, 2016 He still has feelings for her and yes you are a rebound. You dont want to be hurt again, but you are putting yourself in a situation that will likely bring heart ache. Don't buy the friends thing, especially since he just broke up with her. I mean, come on healthyhopes get real. To answer your question: yes, this is clearly a rebound. Also, if he is telling me the truth, then he wanted to break up with her in the beginning of the summer and ended up breaking up with her at the end of the summer/start of the school year. That would mean at the latest, about September, and it is currently November... 1
gorf Posted November 14, 2016 Posted November 14, 2016 Can you tell me why you think it is one? Why do you think he doesn't actually want to be friends with her? I am so paranoid about this and I don't want to get hurt again, but in the same vein of things I don't want to be pessimistic. Because Ive seen it over and over and over. It usually ends the same way: guy gets back with girl, or guy dates another girl and ends up cheating with girl he never really lost feelings for. Tell me you have never heard this story before He was with her, presumably physical, built a connection beyond friends. How is he somehow going to blot all that out. Especially given the fact that this was recent, very recent. You really think he is keeping her around to be friends? Its important sometimes to drop optimism and look at the facts. If you cant, then you will naively put yourself in the very situation you say you want to avoid 2
gorf Posted November 14, 2016 Posted November 14, 2016 Ill give you a quick perspective on why men (and women) use the friends line with old flings and ex's etc. Cause when things are not working out with you, there the backup is. Ready and waiting, as a 'friend,' who still has feelings for him. If he calls her a 'backup' or a 'girl I still have feelings for' that would scare you off.. right? Of course it would. So he uses the friends line. Its one word to keep you on the hook.. if you buy it. Really think about that He was not friends with her before, so what makes you think they magically will get amnesia to good times and 'not friends' deeper connection feelings. Be real to yourself, nobody will be able to convince you that friends means friends, its up to you to really use your own instinct and react to it. 1
Satu Posted November 14, 2016 Posted November 14, 2016 From my journals: Never begin a new relationship until you've fully moved on from the one before. Also never begin a new relationship with someone who hasn't fully moved on from their one before. By 'moved on,' I mean any necessary grieving done, not preoccupied with the ex, enjoying life, feeling good about yourself, and optimistic about the future. The best way to move on is to decide to be single for a while; not dating, not hooking up, no fwb. 'Get back on the horse' is sound advice, but its best to let the cuts and bruises heal before you do. Take care.
Author healthyhopes Posted November 14, 2016 Author Posted November 14, 2016 From my journals: Never begin a new relationship until you've fully moved on from the one before. Also never begin a new relationship with someone who hasn't fully moved on from their one before. By 'moved on,' I mean any necessary grieving done, not preoccupied with the ex, enjoying life, feeling good about yourself, and optimistic about the future. The best way to move on is to decide to be single for a while; not dating, not hooking up, no fwb. 'Get back on the horse' is sound advice, but its best to let the cuts and bruises heal before you do. Take care. So you also think that he isn't over her? When I ask my friends they think they I am not a rebound, so the opinions on here are very different. But maybe they're just trying to be nice?
gorf Posted November 14, 2016 Posted November 14, 2016 So you also think that he isn't over her? When I ask my friends they think they I am not a rebound, so the opinions on here are very different. But maybe they're just trying to be nice? They are trying to be nice, but they arent being very good friends if they cant tell you straight. Its good that you are getting anonymous advice. If you are hoping to have someone persuade you he is over this girl, then you are only here seeking to hear what you want rather than what you need to hear. If the guy has a child with her, then there will be limited 'limited specific' communication with the woman. But she will not be a friend. She will be his childs mother, a woman he once new. This situation you have with this guy and his ex is entirely different. I hope you see that before you get yourself into a world of hurt. Whether dating a guy a year or a week, if he brings up an old fling or ex and says he is friends: you deep down know what that means, and you feel betrayed and hurt. I get it. But be smart here, nobody is going to be able to convince you unless that is all you want to hear
Author healthyhopes Posted November 22, 2016 Author Posted November 22, 2016 I posted something similar, but this has way more detail Sometime in October, I met a guy at a party. We talked a bit, and then he asked for my number, and later that week we got coffee. We hit it off, talk regularly, and he has made it clear that he likes me. He's very shy around me, and at the end of one or two dates he would say "You don't think I'm weird, right?" and "sorry for my awkwardness". He always makes sure to set up dates and is very respectful. Today, we have been talking all day and he asks many questions. I would honestly assume that he really likes me! However: I know he has broken up with his ex recently; he said he was planning on doing so in the summer, but then his parents planned a huge trip for the both of them and couldn't do it until after. He said he didn't want to hurt her and still cares about her in the way that people generally do, but doesn't want to be with her. He says he still talks to her and hangs out with her sometimes because he wants to be friends with her (they were together 2 years) He tells me the break up was a couple months ago. However: Today is November 21, and we met sometime mid-October. Our first date (I know this because I journal about things and always leave the date at the top of the page) was October 18. Stalking his ex's instagram, I see that she posted on October 3rd one of those "NationalBoyfriendDay" posts, and he liked it; so I guess they were together on October 3rd. Furthermore, he said he is very surprised that she ended up in the same dorm as him, on the same floor, but now I'm thinking that earlier in the summer, they picked the dorms together. Two days ago, we .. uh .. fooled around (first time-- didn't let him get very far, and he was very respectful of that; kissing but *very* handsy) and with this new found info I feel kind of unnerved right now. During the hookup, during a break, I asked him: "When did you break up with her?" and without skipping a beat: "a couple months ago" and when was the last time you kissed someone? "A couple weeks ago. But I was drunk" (we weren't dating a couple weeks ago/aren't exclusive so w/e) I am going to hang out with him tomorrow.... a real date (a museum). He is a very nice, gentle-manly person, and I do like him a lot; however, this seems pretty sketchy to me. I am not sure what I would do. The last guy I was with was CLEARLY in a rebound-- and this kid acts completely different. All of his attention is centered squarely onto me. If she is mentioned in conversation, it's because he feels bad about hurting her. Or at least that's the impression that I get. I honestly would have guessed that he really likes me, but this very much complicates things. I just don't understand why he's lying. Furthermore, he isn't insecure and wouldn't want me to appease his ego, and also if he just wanted sex why would he talk to me so much? What should I do now? If I talk to him, he says I am not a rebound and that he broke up with her a couple months ago. And if I bring up her instagram, then I am obviously stalking someone's ex girlfriend on social media.
Author healthyhopes Posted November 22, 2016 Author Posted November 22, 2016 What makes this matter worse is that he's texting me right now! We've been texting all day! I guess saying that he had broken up with her a couple weeks ago would have minimized his chances with me, but what-- am I the first person he ran into after the break up? Why even schedule a date in the first place? It doesn't make any sense
LD1990 Posted November 22, 2016 Posted November 22, 2016 The reaction you're having is the reason why he would lie about this. If he told you he broke up with his girlfriend five days before he met you, he assumes it'll be a big deal with you. So it's easier to say "a couple months ago." That being said, I get the feeling he hasn't really broken things off with his girlfriend. They were together shortly before you two started dating, he still talks to her and hangs out with her, I think he's still with her. I'd say find someone who doesn't have an "ex" that he still sees and talks to regularly. You're just asking for trouble here.
Author healthyhopes Posted November 22, 2016 Author Posted November 22, 2016 Maybe you're right, but it honestly seems like he's broken up with her. Once I was eating food with him and she came up from behind and it was obvious that they were broken up. There are things that he says that don't seem to be lies either. I trust him that they've broken up, but it's still very fishy
Sweetfish Posted November 22, 2016 Posted November 22, 2016 I trust your spidey sense. He is lying to you. Nothing seem clear and concise. Question? Are you ok being a rebound? 1
Author healthyhopes Posted November 22, 2016 Author Posted November 22, 2016 I trust your spidey sense. He is lying to you. Nothing seem clear and concise. Question? Are you ok being a rebound? :/ I knew there had to be a catch No I am not. But I don't know what to do. I can look up those stories about how some "rebounds work out" and how the person who's the dumper is ok with it all and is disconnected from it all... but, I guarantee you, I know exactly what I would tell the person who asked this question... but I already like him. Ugh! my luck is incredible
Sweetfish Posted November 22, 2016 Posted November 22, 2016 :/ I knew there had to be a catch No I am not. But I don't know what to do. I can look up those stories about how some "rebounds work out" and how the person who's the dumper is ok with it all and is disconnected from it all... but, I guarantee you, I know exactly what I would tell the person who asked this question... but I already like him. Ugh! my luck is incredible This is what is possibly going to happen. If the ex goes no contact. In a month or 2 you may start seeing him pull away or act strange. He will start regretting the breaking up. If she finds a boyfriend or another guy. He will start getting "closer" to you. He will be using the relationship to make her jealous.. he may not.. depends on what kind of guy he is. You will get insecure or jealous if the gf hangs around. In every scenario its a bad scenario to be in as he is simply transferring his feelings from the last relationship to the new relationship. So I would proceed with caution and observe like you always do. Why is he breaking up with her?
Author healthyhopes Posted November 22, 2016 Author Posted November 22, 2016 This is what is possibly going to happen. If the ex goes no contact. In a month or 2 you may start seeing him pull away or act strange. He will start regretting the breaking up. If she finds a boyfriend or another guy. He will start getting "closer" to you. He will be using the relationship to make her jealous.. he may not.. depends on what kind of guy he is. You will get insecure or jealous if the gf hangs around. In every scenario its a bad scenario to be in as he is simply transferring his feelings from the last relationship to the new relationship. So I would proceed with caution and observe like you always do. Why is he breaking up with her? ugh! I feel so sick reading that. So now what? What do I do? I'm hanging with him tomorrow and am not sure if I can maintain a happy venear! He said he broke up with her because he felt unhappy in the relationship. She worried a lot, relied on him too much, et cetera. He wanted out.
Author healthyhopes Posted November 22, 2016 Author Posted November 22, 2016 my roommate says that perhaps he lost feelings and still dated her for a while... she said the same thing happened to her, where she dated a guy, then lost feelings for him, and had a hard time breaking it off because she felt bad that she would hurt him. She doesn't see it as a big deal at all. On the flip side, my "buddy" here told me he was uncomfortable with PDA which makes me think he's afraid of being seen.... I don't know whether i should let him go or just shove him back into the basket, and make him the least prioritized guy (but for that, I would have to go on dates with many other guys...)
Sweetfish Posted November 22, 2016 Posted November 22, 2016 my roommate says that perhaps he lost feelings and still dated her for a while... she said the same thing happened to her, where she dated a guy, then lost feelings for him, and had a hard time breaking it off because she felt bad that she would hurt him. She doesn't see it as a big deal at all. On the flip side, my "buddy" here told me he was uncomfortable with PDA which makes me think he's afraid of being seen.... I don't know whether i should let him go or just shove him back into the basket, and make him the least prioritized guy (but for that, I would have to go on dates with many other guys...) Your roommate advise.... I would take with a grain of salt. Everyone's story is different and everyone's morals and way they handle feelings is different. I would date him and just observe. I wouldn't go BF/GF yet.
Author healthyhopes Posted November 22, 2016 Author Posted November 22, 2016 Your roommate advise.... I would take with a grain of salt. Everyone's story is different and everyone's morals and way they handle feelings is different. I would date him and just observe. I wouldn't go BF/GF yet. Ok. So I don't leave him? Or is leaving the best option? And if I do observe, what am I looking for? Of course, I don't want to be attached to someone who is going to still have feelings for their ex...
MarkIVSteel Posted November 22, 2016 Posted November 22, 2016 You're obsessing over something that isn't even there. You're manufacturing all these fictional situations in your head causing internal drama.
Author healthyhopes Posted November 22, 2016 Author Posted November 22, 2016 You're obsessing over something that isn't even there. You're manufacturing all these fictional situations in your head causing internal drama. You know, I do tend to overthink. But everyone I've talked to thinks that something is indeed sketchy about this. Where do you see manufacture?
Cheryl11111111111111 Posted November 22, 2016 Posted November 22, 2016 Love that you have in your head doesn't exist. If you loved the person, you wouldn't need a title. It would be you happy enjoying the company of another person and that is it. If you are looking for a title, you will never find someone who fits that title. Maybe, but it doesn't mean your both 50 and in love. It takes a strong marriage and bond to make a happy ever after happy for a life time. Most people on this planet married, are not happy. They fall out of love. They settle.. I don't think he's the one for you given you are pinning him as the one. The "omg I love you" doesn't last.. Your expectations of him are too high and you need higher expectations from yourself!
Author healthyhopes Posted November 22, 2016 Author Posted November 22, 2016 Love that you have in your head doesn't exist. If you loved the person, you wouldn't need a title. It would be you happy enjoying the company of another person and that is it. If you are looking for a title, you will never find someone who fits that title. Maybe, but it doesn't mean your both 50 and in love. It takes a strong marriage and bond to make a happy ever after happy for a life time. Most people on this planet married, are not happy. They fall out of love. They settle.. I don't think he's the one for you given you are pinning him as the one. The "omg I love you" doesn't last.. Your expectations of him are too high and you need higher expectations from yourself! this isn't a love thing at all, I just met him. I think you posted in the wrong thread
introverted1 Posted November 22, 2016 Posted November 22, 2016 So you also think that he isn't over her? When I ask my friends they think they I am not a rebound, so the opinions on here are very different. But maybe they're just trying to be nice? You wrote the quote above before the stuff below. So what led you to worry about being a rebound then? I posted something similar, but this has way more detail Sometime in October, I met a guy at a party. We talked a bit, and then he asked for my number, and later that week we got coffee. We hit it off, talk regularly, and he has made it clear that he likes me. He's very shy around me, and at the end of one or two dates he would say "You don't think I'm weird, right?" and "sorry for my awkwardness". He always makes sure to set up dates and is very respectful. Today, we have been talking all day and he asks many questions. I would honestly assume that he really likes me! However: I know he has broken up with his ex recently; he said he was planning on doing so in the summer, but then his parents planned a huge trip for the both of them and couldn't do it until after. He said he didn't want to hurt her and still cares about her in the way that people generally do, but doesn't want to be with her. He says he still talks to her and hangs out with her sometimes because he wants to be friends with her (they were together 2 years) He tells me the break up was a couple months ago. However: Today is November 21, and we met sometime mid-October. Our first date (I know this because I journal about things and always leave the date at the top of the page) was October 18. Stalking his ex's instagram, I see that she posted on October 3rd one of those "NationalBoyfriendDay" posts, and he liked it; so I guess they were together on October 3rd. Furthermore, he said he is very surprised that she ended up in the same dorm as him, on the same floor, but now I'm thinking that earlier in the summer, they picked the dorms together. Two days ago, we .. uh .. fooled around (first time-- didn't let him get very far, and he was very respectful of that; kissing but *very* handsy) and with this new found info I feel kind of unnerved right now. During the hookup, during a break, I asked him: "When did you break up with her?" and without skipping a beat: "a couple months ago" and when was the last time you kissed someone? "A couple weeks ago. But I was drunk" (we weren't dating a couple weeks ago/aren't exclusive so w/e) I am going to hang out with him tomorrow.... a real date (a museum). He is a very nice, gentle-manly person, and I do like him a lot; however, this seems pretty sketchy to me. I am not sure what I would do. The last guy I was with was CLEARLY in a rebound-- and this kid acts completely different. All of his attention is centered squarely onto me. If she is mentioned in conversation, it's because he feels bad about hurting her. Or at least that's the impression that I get. I honestly would have guessed that he really likes me, but this very much complicates things. I just don't understand why he's lying. Furthermore, he isn't insecure and wouldn't want me to appease his ego, and also if he just wanted sex why would he talk to me so much? What should I do now? If I talk to him, he says I am not a rebound and that he broke up with her a couple months ago. And if I bring up her instagram, then I am obviously stalking someone's ex girlfriend on social media. You have a lot riding on this IG post of his ex's that she made on October 3. Are you sure it's your guy she was referring to and not some new guy?
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