Where Do I Start Getting Back On Track?

[JasonBourne]

Broken up with someone recently, and I feel lost. I've got no idea where to start to give myself some purpose. I'm at university, but that's about it. I don't have any hobbies right now, and I am not sleeping.

 

I want to start working out but I just can't get my mind in gear. I have a couple friends I can talk to but they're not around much. All a bit of a mess, really.

 

Anyone been through this, and got some good ideas of perhaps setting short term goals and how to get started living a new life after a break up?

 

Also really struggling with a bit of loneliness. My closest friend is in a new relationship so they're not around as much, and that's a bit of rubbish timing as this is obviously when I kind of need someone

 

Me and the ex are still talking... Not sure if that's a good idea. She's OK to come and hang out but the last time we did that we slept together and it didn't help. But I admit I'm scared to let go.

 

I'm just struggling to get my thoughts and my life in order

[Kayley]

I'm feeling really really similar right now. Sorry I have no advice but you aren't alone in it.

[Sweetfish]

Can you tell us about the breakup.. what happen and what is your desired out cone.

[theex]

First things first...you have to accept that this is part of the break up. It is normal to feel down and not have energy to do much of anything besides taking care of school and such. It's also normal to want to continuously stay in touch with your ex. However, there comes a point when you have to snap out of it as you realize that it's bordering on unhealthy. If this has been going on for longer than 6 months, I would be worried. If it's been a few weeks, maybe a month, I would try to see a counselor or someone. Not sleeping, lacking energy, losing concentration...all are signs of depression. There's more, but these are signs. Again, we all go through this and it's OK up to a certain point. You really have to assess for yourself whether it's wise or helpful to keep hanging out with the ex. What are you getting out of it? If you're just getting hurt continuously, then it's a good idea to cut her off.

 

Also, think of it this way - she's one person in a world of plenty. Yes, right now she's the most special person to you (or was recently), but know that you're NOT going to feel this way forever. When you do move on, you'll know what I'm talking about. Just take it easy and try doing one new thing a day or push yourself to get out there and hit the gym or do something with friends. Slowly, you'll get yourself back together! Just be kind and patient with yourself.

[fromheart]

Broken up with someone recently, and I feel lost. I've got no idea where to start to give myself some purpose. I'm at university, but that's about it. I don't have any hobbies right now, and I am not sleeping.

 

I want to start working out but I just can't get my mind in gear. I have a couple friends I can talk to but they're not around much. All a bit of a mess, really.

 

Anyone been through this, and got some good ideas of perhaps setting short term goals and how to get started living a new life after a break up?

 

Also really struggling with a bit of loneliness. My closest friend is in a new relationship so they're not around as much, and that's a bit of rubbish timing as this is obviously when I kind of need someone

 

Me and the ex are still talking... Not sure if that's a good idea. She's OK to come and hang out but the last time we did that we slept together and it didn't help. But I admit I'm scared to let go.

 

I'm just struggling to get my thoughts and my life in order

 

 

You know, I'm probably not the only older person who read that and thought, I wish I was back at university and made full use of the fact that I could immerse myself in studying a subject I love, instead of just constant partying

 

Getting yourself into fitness will help a great deal. It puts back the endorphins in your body. Your feeling so bad because your source of endorphins has been another person. Thats not the way to be, it should come from you.

 

Getting up early and building a fitness routine may seem grueling at first, but it becomes habitual to the point you don't feel right without it.

 

Thats a positive addiction, instead of a negative addiction like drink, drugs, or codependency on another human being.

 

There's probably fitness instructors, clubs at your university? I really recommend checking them out.

[dangerous]

Sort yourself out. Get rid of her, if it hurts you.

It will hurt more and longer if you keep her in your life.

Cut ties, and get on with yourself, your work, your friends, new dates.

[JasonBourne]

First things first...you have to accept that this is part of the break up. It is normal to feel down and not have energy to do much of anything besides taking care of school and such. It's also normal to want to continuously stay in touch with your ex. However, there comes a point when you have to snap out of it as you realize that it's bordering on unhealthy. If this has been going on for longer than 6 months, I would be worried. If it's been a few weeks, maybe a month, I would try to see a counselor or someone. Not sleeping, lacking energy, losing concentration...all are signs of depression. There's more, but these are signs. Again, we all go through this and it's OK up to a certain point. You really have to assess for yourself whether it's wise or helpful to keep hanging out with the ex. What are you getting out of it? If you're just getting hurt continuously, then it's a good idea to cut her off.

 

Also, think of it this way - she's one person in a world of plenty. Yes, right now she's the most special person to you (or was recently), but know that you're NOT going to feel this way forever. When you do move on, you'll know what I'm talking about. Just take it easy and try doing one new thing a day or push yourself to get out there and hit the gym or do something with friends. Slowly, you'll get yourself back together! Just be kind and patient with yourself.

 

Hi, thank you for your reply. I have only just seen this so will reply now.

 

Yes, unfortunately we're still in contact daily. This is my fault, I'll admit. I am terrified to let go. I am terrified to feel everything that comes with a break up, but I am also being hurt by her distance whenever we talk. I want to stop talking to her, as I recognise that this is seriously unhealthy. But I have to be honest, I feel 'hooked' and am finding it difficult to stop.

 

I have found out that my closest friend is expecting a baby, today. This has frightened me so much that I have been freaking out, internally (all the while wishing her congratulations and being happy for her) - this has just made me feel even more alone. How are we ever going to chat or hang out when there's a newborn baby on the way?

 

In terms of my personal health - I haven't been sleeping or eating properly. Often I will not sleep at all during the night due to extreme anxiety or just not being tired. I've seen a doctor who has prescribed me some new tablets. I've also spoken to the support team at uni who have offered me counselling; however it isn't until the 10th January. I'm also on the waiting list for counselling with the doctor's - it's a lot of waiting around and I really do feel like I need immediate support.

 

I just don't know who I am, anymore. I feel totally lost and insignificant. This is so scary.

[JasonBourne]

You know, I'm probably not the only older person who read that and thought, I wish I was back at university and made full use of the fact that I could immerse myself in studying a subject I love, instead of just constant partying

 

Getting yourself into fitness will help a great deal. It puts back the endorphins in your body. Your feeling so bad because your source of endorphins has been another person. Thats not the way to be, it should come from you.

 

Getting up early and building a fitness routine may seem grueling at first, but it becomes habitual to the point you don't feel right without it.

 

Thats a positive addiction, instead of a negative addiction like drink, drugs, or codependency on another human being.

 

There's probably fitness instructors, clubs at your university? I really recommend checking them out.

 

Hey - thank you so much for replying I really appreciate it. I'm really into fitness, yes. There are a few clubs at my uni, however they are based at the campus I'm not at so it's a bit difficult getting there sometimes - I've started running and have been a few times since I posted, so that's something, I suppose.

 

In terms of studying, I am really trying my best to get into it but you're right; this should be a perfect distraction. Thank you for reminding me of that, I'm going to try and throw myself into it a bit more instead of sitting around ruminating.

[JasonBourne]

The last time we spoke, she told me that she's happy to be friends and doesn't want me out of her life, etc. I know that these are empty statements designed to make her feel good and OK about hurting me, and I haven't agreed to being anyone's friend. I never understand why people do that. You break up with someone and expect them to be your new best friend? How?

 

Anyway, yeah. She hasn't really said anything horrible to me during this period, but I'm still quite hurt.

 

I know that I have to work on myself, I'm just finding it so difficult to start. And you guys on here are pretty much the only people I can talk to about this, as people around me seem to be drifting away into their own lives, which only makes me feel more lonely

[Satu]

My reply is this poem.

 

Consider giving it to your ex.

 

 

Now love is over

 

To part now and parting now,

Never to meet again;

To have done for ever; I and thou,

With joy, and so with pain.

 

It is too hard, too hard to meet

If we trust love no more;

Those other meetings were too sweet

That went before.

 

And I would have, now love is over,

An end to all, an end:

I cannot, having been your lover,

Stoop to become your friend.

 

—ARTHUR SYMONS, “After Love.”

 

 

Take care.

[JasonBourne]

My reply is this poem.

 

Consider giving it to your ex.

 

 

Now love is over

 

To part now and parting now,

Never to meet again;

To have done for ever; I and thou,

With joy, and so with pain.

 

It is too hard, too hard to meet

If we trust love no more;

Those other meetings were too sweet

That went before.

 

And I would have, now love is over,

An end to all, an end:

I cannot, having been your lover,

Stoop to become your friend.

 

—ARTHUR SYMONS, “After Love.”

 

 

Take care.

 

Well, that had me almost at tears. Thank you, Satu.

[Satu]

Well, that had me almost at tears. Thank you, Satu.

 

I've read that poem many times, and that last sentence always feels like the drop of the guillotine.

 

 

I have no desire to chastise you for it, but you know yourself that you're making things harder by continuing to see her so often.

 

You're doing it to avoid the pain that will come when you finally let her go.

 

You're not ready for that final letting go yet, and thats ok, but you should try to accept its ultimate necessity.

 

She isn't ready for it either.

 

Eventually you will both move on and be with other people, but a little sweetness will always remain.

 

Here's another poem for you:

 

 

I have laid sorrow to sleep;

Love sleeps.

She who oft made me weep

Now weeps.

 

I loved, and have forgot,

And yet

Love tells me she will not

Forget.

 

She it was bid me go;

Love goes

By what strange ways, ah! no

One knows.

 

Because I cease to weep,

She weeps.

Here by the sea in sleep,

Love sleeps.

 

- Arthur Symons, “Love and sleep."

 

 

You will come out of the other side of this and be happy again.

 

 

Take care.

Edited December 12, 2016 by Satu

[JasonBourne]

I've read that poem many times, and that last sentence always feels like the drop of the guillotine.

 

 

I have no desire to chastise you for it, but you know yourself that you're making things harder by continuing to see her so often.

 

You're doing it to avoid the pain that will come when you finally let her go.

 

You're not ready for that final letting go yet, and thats ok, but you should try to accept its ultimate necessity.

 

She isn't ready for it either.

 

Eventually you will both move on and be with other people, but a little sweetness will always remain.

 

 

You will come out of the other side of this and be happy again.

 

 

Take care.

 

It is all done to avoid the inevitable pain, yes. But it is quite clear that the time to let go is now. I could go on talking to her, but the more I do, the more I realise that all I'm doing is delaying my own healing. And hers.

 

Again thank you for the poems and the replies. It's comforting also to know that what I'm feeling is a) normal and b) not permanent.

[Bloke]

Broken up with someone recently, and I feel lost. I've got no idea where to start to give myself some purpose. I'm at university, but that's about it. I don't have any hobbies right now, and I am not sleeping.

 

I want to start working out but I just can't get my mind in gear. I have a couple friends I can talk to but they're not around much. All a bit of a mess, really.

 

Anyone been through this, and got some good ideas of perhaps setting short term goals and how to get started living a new life after a break up?

 

Also really struggling with a bit of loneliness. My closest friend is in a new relationship so they're not around as much, and that's a bit of rubbish timing as this is obviously when I kind of need someone

 

Me and the ex are still talking... Not sure if that's a good idea. She's OK to come and hang out but the last time we did that we slept together and it didn't help. But I admit I'm scared to let go.

 

I'm just struggling to get my thoughts and my life in order

 

 

I split up with a long time girlfriend 2 years ago, we were in a relationship for almost 3 years. She ended up doing it by text message and had absolutely zero emotions involved in it... and she did it during one of the toughest periods of my life, was in a serious depression.

 

She met another guy at a club who she kind of worked for and that was that. All the lying added up real quick when that happened, and she led me on for almost 4 weeks "as friends" .

 

In short, I was beyond devastated - especially with what I was going through. 6 months in the hospital later, no sleeping or eating. Lost over 40 lbs from not eating. And a year and a half of recovery time and I started to feel better about it. I made her my life, especially since I didn't have one at the time.

 

Moral of the story is, don't create her to be something she's not. Your putting her on a peddle stool, and revolving a significant portion of your energy around a decision she has made.

 

My advice, cut off all contact. Become more Alpha in the way you conduct yourself. Hit the gym daily, and I mean focus all of your energy and frustration in there for 2 hours each day. I'm going through a breakup right now, and this is helping immensely.

 

I'm not even thinking of other woman or relationships. It's Goals/Gym to ease the mind.

 

All the stars will align - just keep focused on your goals. If you don't have any, make some.

[Been]

I felt the exact same way As you. Couldn't think straight. Couldn't seem to get anything right. Wasn't eating correctly. Must have analyzed the situation a million times in my head-what if I had done this,why didn't I see certain things etc.

And when I went out in public I felt even worse. Felt like I was naked.

Then one day I came up with a plan. I would just go to the gym for 60 days. Everyday. If I wasn't At work I was in the gym.

First couple of times In the gym I felt lost. Gradually I forced myself to workout.

For hours. And I felt better. I set goals. For example: One day I decided to do 100 total pull ups by the time I left the gym. Then I set a goal to deadlift 250lbs.

And I kept reaching my goals. I felt and looked good. And from working out so hard I didn't think about my break up as much-I was too into achieving my goals.

First thing you have to do is STOP talking/hanging out with her. Just one day block her on your phone. Don't bother telling her. Just DO IT.

She is a drug to you and you need to kick the habit.

[BAcK]

Start by taking out some time to grieve. Accept the fact that the relationship is over and be ready to cope with the lingering feelings.

Once you accept that it's over, everything that follows will be positive. We often take breakups as the worst thing that can happen to us but it is not so. Life is full of struggle and a break up is just another hurdle.

Either you let time heal you which will happen for sure or you heal yourself. This is the best experience. You will grow as a person. Work on yourself. Prioritise yourself and your dreams.

Take it like an opportunity to be free and do as you please but in the right way. Not everything you lose is a loss.

And as far as possible, avoid meeting up with her or contacting her. You know that this will lead nowhere. So why tread a path with a dead end. Goodluck.

[fromheart]

Hey - thank you so much for replying I really appreciate it. I'm really into fitness, yes. There are a few clubs at my uni, however they are based at the campus I'm not at so it's a bit difficult getting there sometimes - I've started running and have been a few times since I posted, so that's something, I suppose.

 

In terms of studying, I am really trying my best to get into it but you're right; this should be a perfect distraction. Thank you for reminding me of that, I'm going to try and throw myself into it a bit more instead of sitting around ruminating.

 

Just to remind you also, at university you're surrounded by a lot of young women.

 

If you're not ready to date yet that's understandable, but by all means enjoy the scenery, you'll find it takes your mind off things pretty quickly

[JasonBourne]

Hey everyone,

 

Thanks so much for all the advice given to me last night. It really helped me to see that what I was doing wasn't healthy and that I was, in effect, wasting my own time.

 

I haven't contacted her today. I had a message from her in the morning apologising for falling asleep the previous night, but I didn't reply. Today was the first day we haven't really spoken. Well, haven't spoken at all. It felt strange, but I have been studying all day so maybe I haven't thought about it too much.

 

I signed up to an online dating site (I don't intend to meet anyone, it is merely a psychological, remind-me-that-there-are-other-women-alive type deal). Haven't spoken to anyone yet, though.

 

In fact yesterday she told me she was over me, and didn't have any feelings for me anymore. Who knows if that's true. She's said something very similar before, and then retracted it. I don't know if you can really get over someone in a couple of weeks, tbh. As much as I'd like to dissect that, I think I just have to force myself to move on.

[whatdeww18]

I am a big advocate for do what you think is right. Luckily, for me I have two other friends going through break ups alongside me. However, I have noticed what I did has helped me heal much faster than my friends.

 

Although having your ex to talk to is nice and comforting and got me butterflies when he texted, it really does not help. As hard as it sounds, and may be hard for your ex, you have to give each other space. This is for both of you to heal and get your emotions in check. Politely, just let your ex know that keeping in contact will delay being friends later, and is not helping your healing process. You will contact her when you get things sorted out. But staying friends is too difficult as you feel the connection you have is much stronger, thus, you have to end the contact.

 

Now that you have some alone time, mixed with some friends, you begin to sort out your emotions. I think it is imperative to have friends that will listen to you and give you the support you need. However, and ultimately, the healing comes from you and only you. You have to allow yourself to feel the sad emotions. Let yourself, if circumstances, exams, and life allows, to let yourself sulk for a couple days. Really get that sadness out. That way, when the sad pang that will come swinging back later, hurts that much less. When you feel frustrated, go out for a run and use anger as your fuel to push yourself to run as far and fast as you can. I am a firm believer of utilizing your emotions in the moment. I believe in doing that you can express them and complete something short term as well, such as working out.

 

Again, this depends on the person. I am still unable to set short term goals and complete them with my state of emotions 3 weeks after the break up. Instead, I use my emotions and do what I feel. I still get sad and I find that I can watch a show, sulk, be lazy, and eat all at the same time. But each time it becomes that much easier and shorter to handle the sadness. The anger/frustration went away last week, but I still keep up running and keeping my body fit. Now that my emotions are clearer, I see myself setting goals academically and career-wise. Hope this helps and wishing you the best healing process

 

P.S. just read your latest comment. This is why no contact is immensely important for YOUR healing. What she feels and does, is part of her healing and dealing with HER emotions. That, in no way, does anything for you in terms of healing. Yes, maybe knowing she doesn't feel love for you anymore will help you to move on. Does it? I personally don't think it does, it only makes you feel like your self-worth just dropped. NAH BRAH, keep your head high, you sound like an intelligent guy, and have a lot going for you. Remind yourself of that. Show yourself that through getting them straight A's alright? Believing in you!

 

-WhatDEWWWWW

Edited December 12, 2016 by whatdeww18

[JasonBourne]

Hi guys.

 

I don't know if I stated before, but the ex is holding a laptop of mine. She lives two hours away (for me, by bus/train) and an hour by car - Anytime it was mentioned, she'd say she'd bring it down for me "after Christmas". Yesterday, I gritted my teeth and messaged her, asking her to send it ASAP. She refuses to send it, claiming that she doesn't believe I will reimburse her for the P&P. Which is a totally unfounded thing to think.

 

Anyway, I was met with "I don't want to do this with you over Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day".

 

I replied that I don't appreciate being spoken down to, and that I'd like a bit of respect as I'm not inferior to her.

 

She then kept repeating the word "ok' to anything I said, until my messages ("we need to arrange when I can get my property back") stopped going through. I realised I'd been blocked. When I got home I tried to call her, and she has changed her number.

 

I must reiterate that I did not say anything abusive, insulting or whatever. I want my property back so I can move on fully, and I was trying to pinpoint her to an actual date.

 

I am now feeling like ****, and have unwound all the positive progress I've made. By her changing her number, I feel incredibly anxious and low - I have abandonment issues caused by the sudden loss of a parent and this really isn't helping. I don't know what to do now as she hasn't responded to my email and i don't think it's fair of her to do this. She could have returned this to me first and then said "I don't think we should continue to talk, I'm changin my number", not change it while things are like this.

 

I don't know her new address, so I can't just turn up and get it.

 

Why would someone do something like this? I think it's an unnecessarily mean and immature thing to have done.

[JasonBourne]

I'm also really upset that she's changed her number. It is making me feel incredibly anxious, low, insignificant, and scared. I absolutely hate people cutting me out of their lives. It is a feeling I have never grown used to.

[Ilovepizzalady]

I completely understand your abandonment thing as I too lost a parent at 13.

 

However, realize that she will most likely not cut you out forever. My ex did this too and he did come back and apologize and throw breadcrumbs and things, and I don't expect him to contact me but I don't think he is "gone for good" as at least a friend.

 

As for the laptop, one possibility is she may have realized you do not "need" it as if you were not broken up you wouldn't have asked for it back, so she sees it as a bit of a power play? She is somewhat still in the relationship dynamic and doesn't want to be told what to do. So, I would wait a bit (weeks) and see if she comes back to you about the laptop. If worse comes to worst and you need it back you could always arrange a friend to contact her to get it once emotions have cooled down which could take a month or two.

 

I can't get over being completely abandoned by my ex either. I put so much trust in him and it is absolutely unthinkable that he could just leave and be ok with it. But that's how it is, and they have changed into people that we don't know anymore. This is not the love you knew this is a new person.

 

These are all my opinions when reading your post. I am so sorry you are hurting. I am hurting still and we all know it is the worst feeling in the world. It will get better in drips and drabs until you have whole days where are you "ok". And you know what? Humans are built to connect to more than one person. It may not feel like it now, but you will find someone who attends to your needs in a much better way one day and you will love them. It will happen but time heals.

[JasonBourne]

I completely understand your abandonment thing as I too lost a parent at 13.

 

However, realize that she will most likely not cut you out forever. My ex did this too and he did come back and apologize and throw breadcrumbs and things, and I don't expect him to contact me but I don't think he is "gone for good" as at least a friend.

 

As for the laptop, one possibility is she may have realized you do not "need" it as if you were not broken up you wouldn't have asked for it back, so she sees it as a bit of a power play? She is somewhat still in the relationship dynamic and doesn't want to be told what to do. So, I would wait a bit (weeks) and see if she comes back to you about the laptop. If worse comes to worst and you need it back you could always arrange a friend to contact her to get it once emotions have cooled down which could take a month or two.

 

I can't get over being completely abandoned by my ex either. I put so much trust in him and it is absolutely unthinkable that he could just leave and be ok with it. But that's how it is, and they have changed into people that we don't know anymore. This is not the love you knew this is a new person.

 

These are all my opinions when reading your post. I am so sorry you are hurting. I am hurting still and we all know it is the worst feeling in the world. It will get better in drips and drabs until you have whole days where are you "ok". And you know what? Humans are built to connect to more than one person. It may not feel like it now, but you will find someone who attends to your needs in a much better way one day and you will love them. It will happen but time heals.

 

Thank you so much for your reply, I really really do appreciate it as I feel incredibly alone, right now. In my rational mind, I know that she will probably return in some capacity. It was just such a shock to find out that she'd changed her number without any kind of warning.

 

I'm glad someone else can understand the fear of abandonment (I'm sorry for your loss, by the way) - it is horrible, and something which is difficult to control and manage. Thank you for the suggestion of waiting a few weeks. I will do this. Not for her but for me. I need some time to cool down and to stop being upset.

 

The laptop; yes, I believe it's a power thing. If it was a book, or a pair of shoes or whatever, I wouldn't care. But the fact that it's a valuable piece of equipment makes a difference; regardless of how she feels, it isn't right to do this. I feel like it's a punishment, of some sort. She often punished me (with silence, blocking, break ups) for making her lose her temper or for irritating her. I messaged her sister to find out what happened after I found out she'd changed her number; I know she will use that against me. That sentence alone is not right, is it? Someone shouldn't be doing that to another person.

 

You're right about them being a different person. It is almost like the person you've been with has passed away, and this is someone replacing them. I'm sorry your ex left you. It's a horrid feeling. I believe that heartbreak and grief are the two worst emotions anyone can ever experience.

 

I hope that you also find days where you feel OK and that things start to look up. It's comforting to know that we have each other, albeit on a forum. I feel much more calmer now that I've spoken to you (in a way!) - thank you.

[Ilovepizzalady]

I have been keeping myself super busy and tonight I just am plain exhausted. So I stayed home tonight but I am lonely, but I guess not lonely enough to go out in to the world feeling this tired. The first month or two I forced myself to go do things and unable to enjoy them. But 4 months along I do have periods of enjoyment but still obviously an ache inside.

 

All the feelings you are experiencing are completely normal in a breakup. Your body and mind are going through physical withdrawal symptoms.

 

I am hoping for closure on day myself.

[Marc878]

Do you get who she is now?

 

Maybe that'll help