iamafaye Posted July 13, 2005 Posted July 13, 2005 Hi people, I am new here and am desperately seeking some advise, or perhaps just solace as I have a very limited support system. I am a 51 year old female. My first marriage ended when he had an affair. Well, he was going to have an affair so he ended it. I was devastated and handled the entire thing badly. By luck I was involved in an automobile accident and through the treatment program they also sent you to a psychologist. I made tremendous progress and joined a telephone dating service. There I met my second husband. I thought everything was going great and then he turned 50. He was OK for awhile then started to act strangely. The end result was that he had an on line affair that he ultimately consummated when he said he was going on a golf trip. I shall certainly spare you the sordid details, but I hacked into his email account and found evidence of said affair. This happened when I had cancelled a trip. He showed up at my home with her to 'talk'. I called the police and had them removed. Apparently they were to be together while I was away IN MY HOME while I was away!! Strangely enough. although I smashed his guitar and threw his clothes around I have not shed a tear and feel very detached. He is in and out of our house while I am at work and continues to leave me nasty notes that attempt to place the blame on me. My daughter works for the Justice Department and has retained me counsel, apparently a feminist lawyer. They seem to be doing everything while I sit here and do nothing. Am I in shock? I am totally capable of fending for myself, and have an employer that is supportive to my situation. Other than work, I can do nothing else. My laundry is piling up, my garden looks like a weed patch, the dog has not been walked. I did however turn on the dishwasher last night!! I know there is such a thing as a serial cheater, but is there such a thing as a serial victim? Or did I miss something?? If anyone can relate to this and would like to comment I would surely appreciate the time and effort you take. Regards.
Blackfrost Posted July 13, 2005 Posted July 13, 2005 O dear, I feel for your pain. I have a few friends as well, that have just not had the luck of the draw on a couple of ocassions as well. Some men are a**holes and sadly they screw up the lives, and more so, the souls of the people they come in contact with. Unless you were in anyway able to say that you were honestly involved in actions that may have contributed to your bad luck, then you cannot let people like this steal your life passion. I know it's hard to not become jaded and bitter towards the opposite sex when they continuously demean you - but you cannot give up the hope that makes you who you are. I've dealt with some of this in my past, and it took me quite some time to regain faith in the opposite sex - I'm actually suprised that I was able to. I do have one particular friend who has never regained faith in women, and will forever go through life with a certain bitterness that eats at the great person that he is. He will treat women as objects until the end now, because he refuses to ever let himself open up emotionally - for fear of getting crushed again. Now's the time to spend some quality time enjoying who YOU are - this is your life , and if and when the situation arises that you feel safe enough to open your heart to another man, remember what you've learned from your past, but don't let it tarnish your future. -B
RecordProducer Posted July 13, 2005 Posted July 13, 2005 I've been a serial victim of a few things but not of cheating. It could be your "merit". Maybe they needed more sex, affection, understanding and maybe they would just cheat on any woman. In any case there is no need for you to lose your dignity because someone cheated on you. It could be that you're in shock or depressed. You would probably benefit from seeing a therapist. Divorce and separation are very difficult and you're in a delicate period of life. It happened to my mom when she was 49 (she found out that my step-father molested me when I was a child and kicked him out). She has problems with high blood pressure now. So don't lose faith, see a therapist, and preferably hang out with new people, find another man, etc. Now you don't feel like doing anything, but if you just force yourself to be social, you will feel so much better.
Leah Posted July 14, 2005 Posted July 14, 2005 I know there is such a thing as a serial cheater, but is there such a thing as a serial victim? Or did I miss something?? It's certainly a tempting thought Faye !! I think alot of women must be thinking this very same thing because I know that I have wondered this many times about myself. More recently though, since I've been online and chatting alot ... I've come to a conclusion. Our culture doesn't place alot of value on morality. That being the case, there's really no incentive for people to be virtuous ... short of their own volition, that is... and how often do you meet someone so virtuous in a society as decadent as ours has come to be? I know you've been through alot with this man, but fortunately you found him out by surprising him there at your home with this woman. I think you said he's still going into your home and leaving notes blaming everything on you? Well, that's a typical cheater's strategy ... (make it look like it's my partner's fault no matter what i've done... I'll just keep lying until he/she accepts all the BS I'm spouting off !!) Sounds like you've got his number though and keeping this jerk out of your life and cutting off ALL communication is the best thing you could possibly do... then you can move on to make a new life. I would suggest getting to know the next man really thoroughly before you start ANY kind of a new involvement. My method has been to have alot of conversation, one on one, hour on hour for days and weeks, sometimes months and with one man it will be 3 years in Dec !!. If they don't meet my criteria, then I dont pursue anything with them. Top of my list is a communicator... but one advantage, i've found, of engaging in lengthy and ongoing chat is that ultimately, the true self is going to come shining through. If they're lying, they're going to slip. Elements of their personality that you may never see in the normal "dating process" will come out if you spend enough time with them engaged in one on one chat BEFORE meeting them. I'm glad that you have come to a firm, prompt decision about this thing ... because you're certainly using your head and doing the best thing for yourself. Good luck to you !!
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