noelle303 Posted November 21, 2016 Posted November 21, 2016 Little bit of background: My BF and I used to be co-workers, around 3 years ago. Back then we had a very casual FWB type of thing. Over two years ago I left the company and we lost touch - 7 months ago we reconnected and have been dating since. I'm 26, he's 24. Our relationship has been very slow. I have a full time job and am a single mom to a 5 year old. We stay at each other's places only every other weekend when my daughter is at her dad's and he only ever met her a couple of times in a group setting as a friend. Therefore, we don't really see each other that much, but we absolutely LOVE spending time together when we manage to do so and are extremely compatible personality wise and have great chemistry. We actually are both really fine with how things are and have no plans to change it. I get to focus all my energy on my daughter and my job and he is a very sociable guy that loves to go out with friends. Our relationship doesn't take away much of our time and we enjoy the little time we spend together a lot. If it was up to me, I'd leave it like this forever. However, one day he really wants to get married and have a family. I will never get married or have any more children. We talked about it and he said that it currently doesn't matter and he still wants to be with me for as long as it's working. Nevertheless, my friends warn me that it's a very slippery slope with these things. He might be saying it now, but what if the relationshop continues for years because ''it's working'' and suddenly he starts feeling resentful? What if he simply thinks I'll change my mind in the end? Is there a point in dating if there's an obvious expiration date?
joseb Posted November 21, 2016 Posted November 21, 2016 All relationships have expiration dates. I had a relationship very like yours for almost a year with a woman, and it was great - probably the best relationship I had in a lot of ways. But in this the roles were reversed - after a while she wanted something more, so eventually she did get resentful. He is a guy, and he is very young, so he has plenty of time for marriage and kids down the road, so I'm guessing he is happy enough too with the status quo right now.
Author noelle303 Posted November 21, 2016 Author Posted November 21, 2016 All relationships have expiration dates. I had a relationship very like yours for almost a year with a woman, and it was great - probably the best relationship I had in a lot of ways. But in this the roles were reversed - after a while she wanted something more, so eventually she did get resentful. He is a guy, and he is very young, so he has plenty of time for marriage and kids down the road, so I'm guessing he is happy enough too with the status quo right now. I mean, I don't live in a fantasy world where I think relationships are meant to last forever, but I'm just saying that it gives a little bit of a different perception when you know it's going to end and it's simply a matter of how long. Did she decide to break up with you in the end?
smackie9 Posted November 21, 2016 Posted November 21, 2016 It's only the honeymoon stage of course he's gonna overlook this. Once the infatuation wears off he will snap out of it.
Redhead14 Posted November 21, 2016 Posted November 21, 2016 Well, you're happy with the way things are and could do it forever apparently, but he wants to get married someday, there's gonna be a problem at some point. So the question is, do you want to "drink the poison now" or later. I always advise couples who aren't on the same page in terms of dating goals, they should part company. There are some people in your position who simply feel that it's better to date one really good guy for as long as it lasts, say a year or two, than to date 10 jerks over the course of that same period. He's the one with more to lose, so to speak. He's running the risk of continuing to date you to the point where he feels he wants to marry you, only to be turned down. If he's smart, he would move on now.
inmyownworld Posted November 22, 2016 Posted November 22, 2016 I think at 26, it's likely you could change your mind about marriage and kids (unless you can't have anymore). At your age, if it's working, go with it and stop worrying about expiration dates. 1
Author noelle303 Posted November 22, 2016 Author Posted November 22, 2016 I think at 26, it's likely you could change your mind about marriage and kids (unless you can't have anymore). At your age, if it's working, go with it and stop worrying about expiration dates. I am certain I will not change my mind. And that's precisely the thing I'm worried about, him having this same view. Like the previous poster said, he's the one with a lot to lose here. Once he's ready to get married and have children, he'll basically have to end things with me and start from scratch.
SunnySide0418 Posted November 22, 2016 Posted November 22, 2016 Why are you so set on not getting married and having more kids? You're so young, just curious.
Author noelle303 Posted November 22, 2016 Author Posted November 22, 2016 Why are you so set on not getting married and having more kids? You're so young, just curious. I love the dynamic between me and my daughter as it is, I like focusing completely on her, I love my career and want it to go even further and I love sneaking in a few social moments here and there. I also basically poured my whole life into raising and being there for my child. I will never regret it, but when she grows up I'm looking forward to getting a little more freedom and don't want to start all over again with pumping, feeding, changing diapers, school runs and so on.
DK_Casus Posted November 23, 2016 Posted November 23, 2016 Question isn't really if you want to get married or not - question is that if you DID want to, would you want to with this guy? If not, then you need to communicate that clearly - and underline that it's essentially just physical pleasure and nothing more. Never will be more. Under those conditions, you're not doing anything wrong - and it's not your responsibility to keep him honest with himself. That said, I would never pursue such a relationship if I felt the other part of it wasn't "entirely with it". I can't stand messes like that.
Author noelle303 Posted November 23, 2016 Author Posted November 23, 2016 Question isn't really if you want to get married or not - question is that if you DID want to, would you want to with this guy? If not, then you need to communicate that clearly - and underline that it's essentially just physical pleasure and nothing more. Never will be more. Under those conditions, you're not doing anything wrong - and it's not your responsibility to keep him honest with himself. That said, I would never pursue such a relationship if I felt the other part of it wasn't "entirely with it". I can't stand messes like that. Oh yeah, I absolutely have strong feelings for him, it even surprised me. It's been a while since I felt this way about someone. It's not that I don't want him, I just don't want the lifestyle. I feel like I'm ''with it'' as much as I can and want to be.
inmyownworld Posted November 23, 2016 Posted November 23, 2016 Oh yeah, I absolutely have strong feelings for him, it even surprised me. It's been a while since I felt this way about someone. It's not that I don't want him, I just don't want the lifestyle. I feel like I'm ''with it'' as much as I can and want to be. If it's currently working for you the way it is, I would keep doing it. In my opinion, it's up to each person to decide what is right for them. If it stops working for him, it's his responsibility to get out. You're trying to make a decision for him at this point when who knows what the future holds. You each know what the other wants and it's still working.
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